I want to get married but can't because I would lose my SSI.

[Xantippe]

So here you go advising her to seek more government assistance. Hey, when are people going to start being responsible for themselves and why are these two people having children if they are not able to financially take care of them? Not to mention the fact that they are also not married. The OP says she is a Catholic, does she not know that the Church is against this sort of thing? It is distressing that most of the respondents here seem to have no problem with the lifestyle of these two people.

The OP and her boyfriend have a CHILD, not CHILDREN. One child is not “children.”

Furthermore, she would obviously like to get married.

 

[Allegra]

I think the OP is looking at this from an unhelpful angle. She seems to be asking the question, should we get married or should we live together as husband and wife without the benefit of marriage? She seems to assume that it’s either one or the other between those options. First of all, we all know that having extra-marital sexual relations is sinful, so that option ought to be taken off the table completely. So, what are her reasonable options? She can marry the man and hope that things don’t go to heck in a handbasket. There’s nothing morally wrong with this choice but it probably isn’t the most prudent. She can work with her boyfriend, their families, their counselors, and the priest to identify and assemble all their available resources and attempt to come up with a long-term plan that will enable them to reach a goal of living securely as a married couple with a child and work toward that goal so that they can get married in the near future. Or, she can determine that due to the nature of her disability, she is not currently in a position to plan for marital life and her primary focus should be to work on co-parenting this child.

I think going to a priest for advice is an excellent idea, not because the priest is going to find some sort of moral loophole in natural law, but because a priest would be able to talk to them and find out enough details about the situation in order to guide them to a realistic and moral solution to their problem.

 

[Xantippe]

I think the OP is looking at this from an unhelpful angle. She seems to be asking the question, should we get married or should we live together as husband and wife without the benefit of marriage? She seems to assume that it’s either one or the other between those options. First of all, we all know that having extra-marital sexual relations is sinful, so that option ought to be taken off the table completely. So, what are her reasonable options? She can marry the man and hope that things don’t go to heck in a handbasket. There’s nothing morally wrong with this choice but it probably isn’t the most prudent. She can work with her boyfriend, their families, their counselors, and the priest to identify and assemble all their available resources and attempt to come up with a long-term plan that will enable them to reach a goal of living securely as a married couple with a child and work toward that goal so that they can get married in the near future. Or, she can determine that due to the nature of her disability, she is not currently in a position to plan for marital life and her primary focus should be to work on co-parenting this child.

I think going to a priest for advice is an excellent idea, not because the priest is going to find some sort of moral loophole in natural law, but because a priest would be able to talk to them and find out enough details about the situation in order to guide them to a realistic and moral solution to their problem.

Right.

For instance, it might be that a successful marriage is unlikely for the couple, for whatever reason.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

So here you go advising her to seek more government assistance. Hey, when are people going to start being responsible for themselves and why are these two people having children if they are not able to financially take care of them? Not to mention the fact that they are also not married. The OP says she is a Catholic, does she not know that the Church is against this sort of thing? It is distressing that most of the respondents here seem to have no problem with the lifestyle of these two people.

I must admit that sometimes I have the sentiments you express. But Holly is a longtime poster who has publicly struggled with her faith and her pregnancy. I don’t recall the details of her struggles but they were there. So now, the situation is what it is. She doesn’t need to be berated or told what sins she has.
If you looked at me, you would see a strong catholic family with 5 kids, and completely obedient to the church. It wasn’t always that way…

We should remember that.
I’m not a fan of mercy without justice. Nor am I a fan of taking charity to stupidity. But I am someone who thinks you catch more flies with honey rather than vinegar…

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

I think the OP is looking at this from an unhelpful angle. She seems to be asking the question, should we get married or should we live together as husband and wife without the benefit of marriage? She seems to assume that it’s either one or the other between those options. First of all, we all know that having extra-marital sexual relations is sinful, so that option ought to be taken off the table completely. So, what are her reasonable options? She can marry the man and hope that things don’t go to heck in a handbasket. There’s nothing morally wrong with this choice but it probably isn’t the most prudent. She can work with her boyfriend, their families, their counselors, and the priest to identify and assemble all their available resources and attempt to come up with a long-term plan that will enable them to reach a goal of living securely as a married couple with a child and work toward that goal so that they can get married in the near future. Or, she can determine that due to the nature of her disability, she is not currently in a position to plan for marital life and her primary focus should be to work on co-parenting this child.

I think going to a priest for advice is an excellent idea, not because the priest is going to find some sort of moral loophole in natural law, but because a priest would be able to talk to them and find out enough details about the situation in order to guide them to a realistic and moral solution to their problem.

This post was perfectly spot on!

 

[guanophore]

To organise your life around eligibility for state handouts is odd to say the least

People who have not lived in poverty may think this is odd, but for persons who rely on benefits to meet the most basic necessities of life such as food, shelter, clothing, medical care, etc. it is a way of life. Every decision needs to be made in the light of what meager resources are available.

 

[Arizona_Fat_Gir]

I remember taking in my aunt because she needed a place to stay. She was getting about $600 a month in SSI benefits, plus she was on Medicaid.

She could never live on her own because rent alone would gobble up most of her monthly allotment. I am wondering if getting married would be such a hard thing since losing that money probably wouldn’t cause too big of a hardship, or would it?

When Aunt lived with us, my husband and I were just getting by, but having her stay with us would not have been too hard on us financially except for the Medicaid. She definitely would have needed Medicaid to have access to health care.

I don’t know what SSI offers now. This was fifteen years ago that she received $600 a month. They did not penalize her for staying with my husband and me. Of course, that is different because whatever income we got did not count in with hers. Getting married is a different story, however; and whatever money that comes in is considered joint income.

Sometimes it is necessary to take a good, hard look at this before you do it. Many times finances can be impossible to deal with and staying single is the way to go.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

I remember taking in my aunt because she needed a place to stay. She was getting about $600 a month in SSI benefits, plus she was on Medicaid.

She could never live on her own because rent alone would gobble up most of her monthly allotment. I am wondering if getting married would be such a hard thing since losing that money probably wouldn’t cause too big of a hardship, or would it?

When Aunt lived with us, my husband and I were just getting by, but having her stay with us would not have been too hard on us financially except for the Medicaid. She definitely would have needed Medicaid to have access to health care.

I don’t know what SSI offers now. This was fifteen years ago that she received $600 a month. They did not penalize her for staying with my husband and me. Of course, that is different because whatever income we got did not count in with hers. Getting married is a different story, however; and whatever money that comes in is considered joint income.

Sometimes it is necessary to take a good, hard look at this before you do it. Many times finances can be impossible to deal with and staying single is the way to go.

You are aware there is a child involved right?

 

[Sarcelle]

Actually, given that the OP and her boyfriend have multiple disabilities that are likely to be lifelong and may require professional care for both of them at some point, “the Church” (i.e. their pastor) might guide them towards reconsidering marriage.

Their pastor might suggest that each of them should consider co-parenting as single adults who refrain from romantic relationships altogether. If they are in such straights as to preclude marriage, it may be best they not marry at all.

Not everyone is suited to marriage, for any number of reasons.

Most sensible answer.

To many of us in this forum, this may be an case study or an academic exercise as it does not affect us personally but to the OP, this is her life. For those recommending that she should get married and forego the necessary SSI income, how many will be willing to support her and her husband when they are unable to work due to disability?

 

[Lost_Sheep]

So the question is do you wish to be one with your child’s father, or the government?

Honestly, how is this a question. You are basing marriage on money?

That’s a very easy thing to say when it isn’t your problem.

 

[Adonia]

The OP and her boyfriend have a CHILD, not CHILDREN. One child is not “children.”

Furthermore, she would obviously like to get married.

Well then, she should get married. But of course the government money they both get for free seems to be more important than doing the right thing. It all comes down to cold, hard cash - right?

 

[Xantippe]

Well then, she should get married. But of course the government money they both get for free seems to be more important than doing the right thing. It all comes down to cold, hard cash - right?

Well, it often does.

Also you’re kind of begging the question by using the term “doing the right thing.” It isn’t transparently clear what “the right thing” is in this situation. For instance, part of “doing the right thing” is going to involve taking adequate care of her child and making sure that her child has the best relationship possible with the child’s father.

Like other posters, I encourage the OP to continue researching and not to do anything irreparable without doing a lot of research beforehand.

 

[Lost_Sheep]

Well then, she should get married. But of course the government money they both get for free seems to be more important than doing the right thing. It all comes down to cold, hard cash - right?

No, it comes down to fiscal survival. Sadly, a valid marriage isn’t going to pay the rent, or the bills, or put food on the table.

 

[Mary_Gail_36]

So here you go advising her to seek more government assistance. Hey, when are people going to start being responsible for themselves and why are these two people having children if they are not able to financially take care of them? Not to mention the fact that they are also not married. The OP says she is a Catholic, does she not know that the Church is against this sort of thing? It is distressing that most of the respondents here seem to have no problem with the lifestyle of these two people.

1. people commit sins, some are visible to all some are not visible. Holly has a baby. If you look at her other posts, she is also going to Mass and trying hard. Her baby is a little baby, and he hasn’t done anything wrong. I am not going to judge her.
2. Many people receive government assistance, often it’s temporary.

Almost 2 years ago tragedy struck my family where my oldest son almost died. Yes our parish pulled together and were generous beyond anything I could fathom. I’m so humbled.

BUT, even though we were insured, his hospitalization coverage from our insurance was capped at 2 months for his rehab hospital. My son then applied for medicare.

I’ve paid taxes from the time I was a teen until now that I am married, and I file jointly with my husband. I am sure that by the time DH and I retire, we’ll have paid back our “freebie” many times over.

 

[bitterhope]

1. people commit sins, some are visible to all some are not visible. Holly has a baby. If you look at her other posts, she is also going to Mass and trying hard. Her baby is a little baby, and he hasn’t done anything wrong. I am not going to judge her.
2. Many people receive government assistance, often it’s temporary.

Almost 2 years ago tragedy struck my family where my oldest son almost died. Yes our parish pulled together and were generous beyond anything I could fathom. I’m so humbled.

BUT, even though we were insured, his hospitalization coverage from our insurance was capped at 2 months for his rehab hospital. My son then applied for medicare.

I’ve paid taxes from the time I was a teen until now that I am married, and I file jointly with my husband. I am sure that by the time DH and I retire, we’ll have paid back our “freebie” many times over.

The insurance is why my husband stays active duty. It is by far the best insurance. Without it we wouldn’t make it. We found that out when he left the Army for a little bit. It just isn’t worth it at all for our family. We are willing to sacrifice a lot in order to provide for our family.

I see no problem with people receiving government benefits when needed. A large percentage of our military qualifies and many receive them. It’s not something to be ashamed of. A lot of working, tax paying families have or do receive them.

We were not able to during the hardest part of our marriage due to immigration restrictions. We still qualify and I wouldn’t hesitate to apply if the need arises again in the future. We really needed help and my kids didn’t suffer mainly because I was nursing 3 of them still (and pregnant) but my health took a big hit. I’ve never fully recovered. We survived. If it ever happened again, now that my husband is a citizen, we most definetely would apply and accept whatever we qualify for.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

That’s a very easy thing to say when it isn’t your problem.

Yeah those of us no argue for the moral option never have had to struggle.

This is the daytime tv equivalent of
“You don’t know me! You don’t know me!”

 

[As_for_my_House]

The Church would say to get married and lose your benefits.

I would say in that case to live together. People who have never lived hand-to-mouth might not understand what they are asking you to do by giving up your benefits. Unfortunately, the system is set up in such a way as to put one at a severe disadvantage by marrying at times.

I think I know a little bit about what you’re going through. If I ever marry my boyfriend, he will lose his health benefits. He has a disability, and I’d hate to do that to him. It would require a lot of thought and consideration.

I am sorry about your situation.

The Church would listen to the particulars of the situation and help find solutions. The Church has both Wisdom and Compassion. The Church would steer this couple to a solution that would not cause their spiritual separation from Her or cause separation of the couple who are willing and able to join together in holy marriage.

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. 1 Corinthians 13 :1

 

[Holly3278]

If I understand correctly, Holly has a baby but I don’t think she and her boyfriend are living together.

Her problem is she’s worried that she won’t be able to afford to get married.

Holly, you would probably need to take into consideration that your family would consist of three people, you, your boyfriend and baby. So perhaps the baby would qualify for some assistance (WIC or medicare)

I am not familiar with these programs, but I think 1ke had good advice. Speak to your
benefits specialist.

I’ll keep you in my prayers Holly.

You are right, we are not living together.

I surprised to learn that merely living together doesn’t result in the forfeiture of the benefit. It certainly would in the UK

It would result in forfeiture or a reducing of benefits.

This thread is a perfect example of how little most Americans (possibly people in general) understand the struggles of the very poor. Apparently many don’t care either.

I know it’s hard, Holly, and I know it is scary. I’ve raised all my children below the line of poverty. Just as I was raised. And my husband. I encourage you to find a way to make marriage work. It will be hard but it can be done. Begin by talking to a caseworker at Catholic Charities. They can lead you to resources available in your area. Talk also to St. Vincent DePaul society if there is one near you. Pregnancy crisis centers sometimes also have help available for post natal clients. If marriage is what you desire, there is help to make it happen.

Thank you and David for bringing Colton into this world. Talking to your priest may be beneficial. He has access to lists of diocesan programs in place that may be able to provide assistance. God bless you and your family. I’ll pray for you

Thank you. I appreciate this. I don’t appreciate the replies which have been quite rude. This isn’t just about money, it’s about surviving. If I lose my benefits, we won’t have the money to put a roof over our heads or food in our mouths.

The Church would say to get married and lose your benefits.

I would say in that case to live together. People who have never lived hand-to-mouth might not understand what they are asking you to do by giving up your benefits. Unfortunately, the system is set up in such a way as to put one at a severe disadvantage by marrying at times.

I think I know a little bit about what you’re going through. If I ever marry my boyfriend, he will lose his health benefits. He has a disability, and I’d hate to do that to him. It would require a lot of thought and consideration.

I am sorry about your situation.

The thing is, we can’t get married without losing the ability to survive. We are not going to get married only to end up homeless.

I’m a little surprised at the way some posters are choosing to speak to the OP. She’s concerned about her ability to feed her child and keep a roof over their heads. From the sounds of it, she isn’t weighing the idea of marriage against a 6 week European vacation.

It’s a sad predicament, and it’s one that many vulnerable Americans often find themselves in. Single parents, elderly people, and disabled people often have to choose between their benefits and marriage.

I know what I would do, and it’s what most people do in these situations. But I don’t believe that living together is wrong. Because the OP does, the only thing I can think of is to find a way to make a little cash under the table. Freelance SEO work, babysitting, selling handmade blankets or dolls, etc.

Some of the people who have replied have been rude and I don’t appreciate it.

Canon law 1071.2 and Canons 1130-1133 apply.

The bishop would have to grant permission for a priest or deacon to conduct a secret marriage. It is rarely done. I don’t know of any documented cases where it has been done., but of course they are secret.

There are four pages dedicated to this topic in the New Commentary for the code of canon law. It seems to imply that this is rare, and doing this for benefits reasons could be fraud and open the bishop and priest to prosecution.

See here for an explanation:

wdtprs.com/blog/2014/01/ask-father-secret-marriage-to-avoid-government/

Even if a secret marriage were granted, we would have to live together and once that is reported to the government, I would lose my benefits and we’d be in the same situation as if we had married with a marriage license and the government recognized the marriage.

 

[Mary_Gail_36]

You are right, we are not living together.

It would result in forfeiture or a reducing of benefits.

Thank you. I appreciate this. I don’t appreciate the replies which have been quite rude. This isn’t just about money, it’s about surviving. If I lose my benefits, we won’t have the money to put a roof over our heads or food in our mouths.

The thing is, we can’t get married without losing the ability to survive. We are not going to get married only to end up homeless.

Some of the people who have replied have been rude and I don’t appreciate it.

Even if a secret marriage were granted, we would have to live together and once that is reported to the government, I would lose my benefits and we’d be in the same situation as if we had married with a marriage license and the government recognized the marriage.

Holly, I have you in my prayers. ((((hugs))))

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

I refuse to believe that the choice is get married and starve or not get married. Not in this country. Nope. There are soooooo many programs for the op. We are not talking a lot of money here.
The op is in southern Indiana, which excuse me for saying, is incredibly poor and depressed.
And it may be hard to locate or find services to prevent “homelessness”. But the programs are there. A huge number of people in Indiana and all over the country are economically depressed. From WIC, to foodstamps, to housing, school lunch and childcare programs there are programs. Probably even more than are open to the average person because there are disabilities involved. The op may need help finding the programs and I am no social worker but we are taking the situation to an extreme by saying it is about starvation…

Sometimes it might be hard to break free of a program or security and find something else. But it exists. The advice should be to talk to a social worker more than a priest.
And before someone says " I already did that" one might have to be more proactive and forceful.

Or are we talking about a situation where two people cannot feed themselves, where neither can possibly work, and yet somehow care for a child which is harder than most jobs.

Now part of it might be the culture and geography of the op’s residence. Vincennes is an incredibly poor area. Evansville is a bright spot in that area. If the op is in the Evansville area then there should be some good resources to investigate and educate herself about.