I want to get married but can't because I would lose my SSI.

[maryjk]

If we could get married without having to have the government recognize the marriage then that would work but that is illegal. Besides that, we would live together after getting married and again, our combined incomes would be counted and I would lose most, if not all, of my SSI check.

Is there anyone that can help? With where to live? Or with monetary help for food?

Arizona Fat Gir mentioned that her aunt lived with her family. Is there anyone that can take you in?

And yes, I know there is a child involved. (For those that don’t know, we have a young woman and child living with us.And no they are not related to us.)

In addition, you might want to find a women’s center that provides pro-life options. Our resident has done that and she has received a lot of help with clothes, baby food and even parenting classes.

Also, if your child qualifies for Medicaid, then he qualifies for WIC. If not, see if he does qualify. I agree with Hoosier Daddy, there are many programs out there. You just have to find them. And a social worker can help.

 

[guanophore]

So here you go advising her to seek more government assistance. Hey, when are people going to start being responsible for themselves and why are these two people having children if they are not able to financially take care of them? Not to mention the fact that they are also not married. The OP says she is a Catholic, does she not know that the Church is against this sort of thing? It is distressing that most of the respondents here seem to have no problem with the lifestyle of these two people.

Your question is valid, there are many people that make irresponsible decisions and have children when they are not able to care for them. There are even people who are abusing the public by taking government benefits when they can work and live a different lifestyle (that does not include using drugs, for example).

This is not a matter of having a problem with the lifestyle. It is a pastoral problem of how to deal with the situation that currently exists, which is less than ideal. Many of us know Holly from previous posts, and finding fault with things that have happened in the past is not going to help her to make a better decision currently. It is what it is, and she is struggling to make it better.

It is not correct for you to assume that the posters on the thread are not dismayed by the situation. Our dismay, however, will not solve the problem.

 

[thequeen]

I refuse to believe that the choice is get married and starve or not get married. Not in this country. Nope. There are soooooo many programs for the op. We are not talking a lot of money here.
The op is in southern Indiana, which excuse me for saying, is incredibly poor and depressed.
And it may be hard to locate or find services to prevent “homelessness”. But the programs are there. A huge number of people in Indiana and all over the country are economically depressed. From WIC, to foodstamps, to housing, school lunch and childcare programs there are programs. Probably even more than are open to the average person because there are disabilities involved. The op may need help finding the programs and I am no social worker but we are taking the situation to an extreme by saying it is about starvation…

Sometimes it might be hard to break free of a program or security and find something else. But it exists. The advice should be to talk to a social worker more than a priest.
And before someone says " I already did that" one might have to be more proactive and forceful.

Or are we talking about a situation where two people cannot feed themselves, where neither can possibly work, and yet somehow care for a child which is harder than most jobs.

Now part of it might be the culture and geography of the op’s residence. Vincennes is an incredibly poor area. Evansville is a bright spot in that area. If the op is in the Evansville area then there should be some good resources to investigate and educate herself about.

I totally understand Hoosierdaddy I grew up in Vincennes and my family was very poor when I was a child.

 

[thequeen]

I refuse to believe that the choice is get married and starve or not get married. Not in this country. Nope. There are soooooo many programs for the op. We are not talking a lot of money here.
The op is in southern Indiana, which excuse me for saying, is incredibly poor and depressed.
And it may be hard to locate or find services to prevent “homelessness”. But the programs are there. A huge number of people in Indiana and all over the country are economically depressed. From WIC, to foodstamps, to housing, school lunch and childcare programs there are programs. Probably even more than are open to the average person because there are disabilities involved. The op may need help finding the programs and I am no social worker but we are taking the situation to an extreme by saying it is about starvation…

Sometimes it might be hard to break free of a program or security and find something else. But it exists. The advice should be to talk to a social worker more than a priest.
And before someone says " I already did that" one might have to be more proactive and forceful.

Or are we talking about a situation where two people cannot feed themselves, where neither can possibly work, and yet somehow care for a child which is harder than most jobs.

Now part of it might be the culture and geography of the op’s residence. Vincennes is an incredibly poor area. Evansville is a bright spot in that area. If the op is in the Evansville area then there should be some good resources to investigate and educate herself about.

I totally understand Hoosierdaddy I grew up in Vincennes and my family was very poor when I was a child. and I grew up the north end the poorest area of the town.

 

[Holly3278]

Well then, she should get married. But of course the government money they both get for free seems to be more important than doing the right thing. It all comes down to cold, hard cash - right?

Adonia, I don’t think you understand the situation. This “free money” is necessary for our survival. I am not able to work and therefore, need this “free money”. And no, money is not more important than doing the right thing but would you rather us get married and live together only to lose our home and have to live on the streets and struggle to live hand to mouth? I ask because that is exactly what happened if we did get married and lived together. I would lose most of my SSI, if not all of it, which would result in us not having the ability to pay rent and we also wouldn’t have enough money for food, diapers, and other necessities. I sincerely hope you understand my situation better now that I have explained it to you because you really came across quite rude in your post.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

I totally understand Hoosierdaddy I grew up in Vincennes and my family was very poor when I was a child. and I grew up the north end the poorest area of the town.

I did not like like living in Indiana. I have been to Vincennes a few times. It has one of the oldest churches from one of the first diocese in the us. Just a tad further north I’m sure you know is st Mary’s of the woods. Where the body of st theadora guerrin is.
One thing that shocked me ( keep in mind I’m a northwest western kind of guy) was the sheer poverty of the area. And it has gotten worse recently. Like within the last decade. The heart of America is dying…

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

Adonia, I don’t think you understand the situation. This “free money” is necessary for our survival. I am not able to work and therefore, need this “free money”. And no, money is not more important than doing the right thing but would you rather us get married and live together only to lose our home and have to live on the streets and struggle to live hand to mouth? I ask because that is exactly what happened if we did get married and lived together. I would lose most of my SSI, if not all of it, which would result in us not having the ability to pay rent and we also wouldn’t have enough money for food, diapers, and other necessities. I sincerely hope you understand my situation better now that I have explained it to you because you really came across quite rude in your post.

No, that is not what would happen. You need to educate yourself about the options. Please seek help.

 

[DarkLight]

Do you have a local St. Vincent society? Often they have people who can help you navigate what aid may be available, both public and private. I would definitely give them a call - it sounds like the first thing you need is someone who can sit down with you and put together a comprehensive plan of what is available.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

Here are the ssi amounts.
ssa.gov/oact/cola/SSI.html

At most we are talking 733 a month. With eligibility for a spouse. Being more than the op is currently getting. Could her husband to be qualify? Or could he earn more than 700 a month?

 

[Holly3278]

No, that is not what would happen. You need to educate yourself about the options. Please seek help.

I have already educated myself. I’ve done a lot of thinking and researching about the issue and the fact is, I would lose most of my SSI which would leave us with an extremely limited income and an inability to pay rent and still afford food.

 

[YADA]

Adonia, I don’t think you understand the situation. This “free money” is necessary for our survival. I am not able to work and therefore, need this “free money”. And no, money is not more important than doing the right thing but would you rather us get married and live together only to lose our home and have to live on the streets and struggle to live hand to mouth? I ask because that is exactly what happened if we did get married and lived together. I would lose most of my SSI, if not all of it, which would result in us not having the ability to pay rent and we also wouldn’t have enough money for food, diapers, and other necessities. I sincerely hope you understand my situation better now that I have explained it to you because you really came across quite rude in your post.

The two of you are currently maintaining two households - that has to be more expensive than one single residence. You have a computer and internet access at home or are able to get to a library or other place to access internet - both options require effort - financial and or physical. Both you and your baby’s father need to review your situation and finances especially if you want to become one household. Keep the cheaper rent, eliminate TV, internet, etc … I have been there … a two bedroom duplex, no furniture, no TV, no cable or internet [of course it wasn’t invented] … no phone either, 3 kids - single parent … life is not always easy …

As others have noted - there is assistance … its available for utilities, food [both SNAP and private food banks], your parish …

AND CONSIDER - Will you never be able to work at any position - ever? … I know many people who might be considered disabled [some severely - even a quadriplegic] who are gainfully employed and not on disability. It may not be easy - but they are inspirational and hard workers. A person who is physically capable of maintaining a house, marital relationships including bearing and rearing a child, obvious computer access and the skills necessary to type and who thus is English and computer iterate should be able to return to the work force at some time. you said your baby’s father works some now - the goal should be to return to gainful employment.

If you are never going to be able to be employed - then consider the possibility that you should not marry. You definitely should not be intimate until you have a plan that is both financially workable and within the law.

I hope and pray that your and your baby’s father’s health will recover in order that you will be able to financially care for each other but if that is not the case - you will need to make hard decisions moving forward because you made the decision to bring a child into the world - your desires for marriage now have to be placed second to the needs of that child. We do not have a right to marry.

It is sad - but we - myself included - often act before we think … and we live with the consequences … but compounding poor decisions with more poor decisions - is not the solution … that is not being rude, that is not being harsh, that is just speaking the truth. Sometimes the solution to being stuck in a hole is to stop digging … I will pray for you and your baby Holly. I pray for your healing - spiritual, physical and emotional and that you find good counsel and assistance to help you gain control of your life.

 

[oldgraymare2]

I have already educated myself. I’ve done a lot of thinking and researching about the issue and the fact is, I would lose most of my SSI which would leave us with an extremely limited income and an inability to pay rent and still afford food.

My dear,

The reasons that some of us are telling you to go and talk to your pastor/priest are because he knows the parish and community resources in your area that can help you and your baby and husband-to-be.

As I mentioned, there is tax information out there too, that I feel that needs to be explored for you too, that can benefit you as a married couple.

If I were you, I would be exploring this information, to see what is out there to help you.

 

[guanophore]

I refuse to believe that the choice is get married and starve or not get married.  Not in this country.  Nope.  There are soooooo many programs for the op.  We are not talking a lot of money here.

The op is in southern Indiana, which excuse me for saying, is incredibly poor and depressed.
And it may be hard to locate or find services to prevent “homelessness”. But the programs are there. A huge number of people in Indiana and all over the country are economically depressed. From WIC, to foodstamps, to housing, school lunch and childcare programs there are programs. Probably even more than are open to the average person because there are disabilities involved. The op may need help finding the programs and I am no social worker but we are taking the situation to an extreme by saying it is about starvation…

It seems almost impossible for many people who have never experienced this level of poverty to believe that such choices are real. If you have never been a social worker, you may not realize that there are very few resources. Holly is in the best position she can be now, as a single mother on disability. She and her child both qualify for health care, have better chances for housing, and food assistance. it is not uncommon for people in this circumstance to have to choose between eating or getting their medications.

Sometimes it might be hard to break free of a program or security and find something else. But it exists. The advice should be to talk to a social worker more than a priest.
And before someone says " I already did that" one might have to be more proactive and forceful.

It will not hurt to talk to both, but Holly knows her situation already. She knows if she gets married she will materially have losses.

Or are we talking about a situation where two people cannot feed themselves, where neither can possibly work, and yet somehow care for a child which is harder than most jobs.

Many people who are too disabled to hold down full time employment can still raise a child or accomplish other tasks. Some are able to work part time. The assumption when they are placed on disabiity benefits is that they are unable to feed themselves.

 

[guanophore]

No, that is not what would happen. You need to educate yourself about the options. Please seek help.

SSI benefits REQUIRE financial need criteria. If the recipient or their spouse are over the income standard by only $1.00 she will be denied benefits. Without the benefits, she will lose medical coverage as well.

Here are the ssi amounts.
ssa.gov/oact/cola/SSI.html

At most we are talking 733 a month. With eligibility for a spouse. Being more than the op is currently getting. Could her husband to be qualify? Or could he earn more than 700 a month?

I am afraid you lost me here.

The two of you are currently maintaining two households -

Is this the case?

As others have noted - there is assistance … its available for utilities, food [both SNAP and private food banks], your parish …

These programs/services are intended to be temporary. She would need an ongoing plan that would continue for years.

the goal should be to return to gainful employment.

Yes, but mental illnesses are much more fickle and unpredictable than many physical conditions. Often one has good days where they could work, then the next when they cannot, or a series of days off and on.

If you are never going to be able to be employed - then consider the possibility that you should not marry. You definitely should not be intimate until you have a plan that is both financially workable and within the law.

Isn’t this a little like closing the barn door after the horses are gone?

 

[Listener]

What if you got married but didn’t move in with each other, and then you got a divorce a few months later? Keep your stuff at your place and his stuff at his place. You could spend a lot of time staying overnight at his place, and he could spend a lot of time staying overnight at your place. After your divorce, the Church would still consider you married.

Maybe this would also be considered as fraud…it’s just a crazy idea. Are there any lawyers out there who have any creative ideas about this situation?

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

What if you got married but didn’t move in with each other, and then you got a divorce a few months later? Keep your stuff at your place and his stuff at his place. You could spend a lot of time staying overnight at his place, and he could spend a lot of time staying overnight at your place. After your divorce, the Church would still consider you married.

Maybe this would also be considered as fraud…it’s just a crazy idea. Are there any lawyers out there who have any creative ideas about this situation?

Yeah, the creative ideas are to find programs that will help the op or have her husband earn 733 dollars a month…
This isn’t as hard as people are making it out to be.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

Holly, what is the issue you are struggling with?
faq.ssa.gov/link/portal/34011/34019/Article/3781/If-I-get-married-will-it-affect-my-benefits

 

[YADA]

…Is this the case?

I am taking her at her word … She said they were not living together - that presumes they are living in two separate domiciles - thus two places …which has to be more expensive than if they lived under one roof…

These programs/services are intended to be temporary. She would need an ongoing plan that would continue for years.

They may be meant to be temporary - but we do have generational welfare dependency in this country … and why the SNAP program does have some limits - things like head start and the free lunch program do not … nor do food banks … I have volunteered in many - we give out food to any and all who come

Yes, but mental illnesses are much more fickle and unpredictable than many physical conditions. Often one has good days where they could work, then the next when they cannot, or a series of days off and on.

which may be a good reason to not marry … a person who cannot take care of themselves should not expect others to take on the burden of caring for increasing family members that would follow

Isn’t this a little like closing the barn door after the horses are gone?

Making the mistake of engaging in pre-marital sexual activity that resulted in a child does not mean they should continue to engage in that activity and bring more children they can ill afford into the world … nor is it a reason to marry …especially since you believe her [and or her baby’s father] are mentally disabled … that is all the more reason to counsel against continuing down this road.

She “wants” to get married is not equivalent to "must’ get married nor even to “should” get married. This couple is ill prepared for life individually - she needs government provided financial support for those in financial need - she is dependent on that per her own post … if that is true … and she knows she can only eat and feed her child by remaining single … she should put the child ahead of her own desire … maybe by practicing that act of maturity her mental/physical health may improve … and she will find out she can return to work … maybe even wants to…

When one is stuck in a hole … the best advice is to stop digging

 

[YADA]

What if you got married but didn’t move in with each other, and then you got a divorce a few months later? Keep your stuff at your place and his stuff at his place. You could spend a lot of time staying overnight at his place, and he could spend a lot of time staying overnight at your place. After your divorce, the Church would still consider you married.

Maybe this would also be considered as fraud…it’s just a crazy idea. Are there any lawyers out there who have any creative ideas about this situation?

Yes - it would be a fraud - morally

And why would maintaining two houses be more cost effective than one? … Divorces cost money - even self filed cheap ones … Living a lie for the child they have … how is that a positive? …Would getting married mean that soon there would be two children, three?

Maybe they should not get married - at least until they have recovered health enough to survive within the social services available without gaming the system.

I totally support helping people who need help … but there are rules in place so that money is spent on those who need the assistance - the funding is not unlimited … whenever you assist people in violating the rules - bending and breaking the rules - look away when fraud is happening - you are assisting in stealing from those who need it …

 

[YADA]

ssa.gov/disabilityresearch/wi/pass.htm

Holly -

Here is the program to help you and your baby’s father gain independence:

What is a PASS?
•It is an SSI provision to help individuals with disabilities return to work.
•If you receive SSI or could qualify for SSI after setting aside income or resources so you can pursue a work goal, you could benefit from a PASS.

There is more than just subsistence support -

Praying for you