I want to get married but can't because I would lose my SSI.

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bitterhope said:
One gigantically huge reason for talking to the priest is that he may (priests often do) know of local organizations that are able to step in to help out if/when benefits are lost. They also usually have lists of diocesan programs that this family may qualify for, they may know parishioners that are seeking to help individuals, local businesses, even sometimes lawyers able to help advocate and navigate the system for them. Priests have access to much information. They are also good at counseling and giving the spiritual support needed to struggling families.

This is kind of a scary post for me to type because it opens my family up to a lot of criticism that I’m not sure I’m able to deal with at the moment. Trying to trust this is going to be helpful for someone else and therefore worth it. Maybe that’s why the desire to write this has been placed in my heart. There was a time when my husband and I ran into an even tighter spot than normal for us. We were running out of food before the month was over. Our kids never realized this because they ate even when we didn’t, and they were all very young still. Out of embarrassment we didn’t want anyone to know, but t really got me down. I finally spoke to my priest. I didn’t ask for help, I just asked him to pray for me to have the strength to persevere. Two days later, the Knights of Columbus came with food basket number one. Two weeks later, another basket. Two weeks later, another basket. Another parishioner donated grocery gift cards to add fresh produce and meats. In the end, we had received 10 food baskets and $500 worth of grocery gift cards. No one would tell me who was behind the donations. They were simply wanting to help a family that truly needed it and would not waste it. Through their generosity and love, our family made it through a very rough year and ended up able to put enough money aside for the first time ever to buy new shoes for all 5 of our little ones plus a stuffed toy for our soon to be born #6. No one would let us repay in any way the debt we owed. They told us to repay it by helping another family if possible in the future, but by simply continuing to raise our children to be good and generous people is more than enough payment.

There are many good people sitting quietly in the shadows waiting to step up when a need arises. These people usually make this desire known to their priests but want no one else to know that they are doing it. They don’t want the glory but want the glory to go to God alone. This is why I really think she should speak to her priest. Life never really gets easier although situations can swing from impossible to possible if the right resources are tapped into. there are always ways to make family work if people are willing to work at it.

PS-- I agree with you 100% about the church and marriage.
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Thats so beautiful… Praise God.
 
Holly3278 said:
Hey everyone. I am looking for any (name removed by moderator)ut or advice that anyone can offer. Anyway, I am on SSI which is the acronym for Supplemental Security Income. It is given to disabled people who have a financial need for it and it is not based on work history like SSDI is. SSDI is Social Security Disability Insurance program and is given to people who are disabled and have enough work credits. To put it simply, I didn’t work enough to qualify for SSDI and I only qualified for SSI. I can’t work anymore because of my disabilities and therefore have no chance of ever getting SSDI.

Anyway, I want to marry my boyfriend who is also the father of my child, Colton. My boyfriend’s name is David. I can’t get married to him because he makes too much money and his combined income with mine would mean that I would lose most of my SSI check and then we would not have enough money to take care of each other and our child. He has SSDI (which he is losing soon) and he also works a certain amount of allowable hours per week. He has to do this in order to be able to pay all the bills. Soon, he will simply be working only and he will likely be working full time if he can handle it.

So anyway, we can’t get married to each other because our combined incomes would result in me losing most of my income which would put David and I in a precarious financial situation.

So what advice do you have for us? We want to get married but the only way we could do that is if I lose my SSI and if I lose my SSI then we will be in a precarious financial situation. So to put it simply, we see no way that we can get married.

If we could get married without having to have the government recognize the marriage then that would work but that is illegal. Besides that, we would live together after getting married and again, our combined incomes would be counted and I would lose most, if not all, of my SSI check.
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Sorry you have been getting some extremely insensitive replies. That should be expected the majority of the time on these forums. I have no advice to offer as I have never even been close to your predicament and the only assistance I have ever gotten has been unemployment for maybe 8 or 9 weeks in the 15 years I have been part of the work force in one way or another.

That is very tough. I am a HUGE romantic and I can imagine myself saying that I would marry if I was truly in love no matter what, but this is not the movies. This is reality so I know it is not as easy as that. Not to mention a baby is involved. Maybe that will be your ultimate decision though, maybe not, I do not know you so I cant say. I just wanted to say that prayers have been said for you and I hope you find a solution to your problem. God bless.
 
Holly,

God knows what you, your child and the baby’s father need better that you can know youselves. The hard truth may be that what He thinks and has planned for you is different than what you want.

I am also disabled. My husband divorced me immediatly after I was diagnosed with a degenerative disease, so I became a single mother of a baby in diapers in an abrupt fashion. Financially, things were quite ugly for a while. I was even contemptating suicide because it seemed like the best way to assure a financial future for my child. God had different plans for me.

Today, I am still disabled. Medical science still has no cure for me. But my baby is in college. The tribunals in both my diocese and the archdiocese concur that my marriage to my child’s father was null. I am married to my high school sweetheart who is the love of my life. He is a man who loves me and my daughter 2nd only to loving God. I can’t hold a job but I can be useful. I volunteer with St Vincent de Paul and am a substitute catechism teacher. This is NOT the life or career path I had planned for myself. It is so much better than anything I could have imagined. To get here, I had to be completely broken physically, emotionally, financially and spiritually. Why? Because I have a really hard head. I wanted my version of the American dream and nothing would deter me from my path. It would have been a lot easier on me in the long run had I been willing to do His will right from the start.

Along the way, I found that it was easiest for me to hear God’s voice while in prayer at Eurcharistic adoration. I encourage you to go to adoration at your parish and have an inward conversation with God about your situation. Ask Him to guide you in doing His will. He loves you and wants what is best for all three of you regardless of whether or not you agree with His plan for accomplishing that. You can trust that He will give you the signs you’ll need to follow if you are open to seeing them and are willing to trade your desires and plans for the desire to do His will.

Peace,

B
 
Let me throw this idea out. I’m no lawyer and I don’t know how the laws work exactly but maybe someone smarter than me knows more. Can Holly still receive her benefits if she is married but legally separated?

What I’m getting at is this: She and her child’s father get married so everything is “kosher” with the Church. Then she files in court for a legal separation from her husband. They would still be married in the eyes of the Church (and not in a state of sin), but in the eyes of the law they would be separated (yet not divorced) and she could still receive her benefits (assuming the law would allow a legally separated single mother to receive them.)

Just a thought. 🤷
 
Lost_Sheep said:
Let me throw this idea out. I’m no lawyer and I don’t know how the laws work exactly but maybe someone smarter than me knows more. Can Holly still receive her benefits if she is married but legally separated?

What I’m getting at is this: She and her child’s father get married so everything is “kosher” with the Church. Then she files in court for a legal separation from her husband. They would still be married in the eyes of the Church (and not in a state of sin), but in the eyes of the law they would be separated (yet not divorced) and she could still receive her benefits (assuming the law would allow a legally separated single mother to receive them.)

Just a thought. 🤷
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And how does this help exactly … they obviously had this child without benefit of marriage - marrying now changed nothing … marriage followed by separation does not change the fact that they would still be living separate lives … they would not be a “family” and marriage and legal separations costs money - which is what they say they have not enough of … so you are spending money for the appearance of making a church sanctioned marriage that is not really a marriage at all … they would still be maintain two residences which costs more than one …

How about encouraging them to reach the point where they don’t have to be locked into one and only one safety net … SSI … SSI has a program to assist people to return to employment … she says the baby’s father works some … hopefully he will work more and more …

If they cannot support themselves as a family unit - they should concentrate on caring for the child and not entering into a marriage where even more children could result … because that would be an additional financial strain …people can live without getting married … marriage seems to be what they want now … but obviously it has not been the most important aspect of their life up to now …

And gaming the system steals funds from others who need it …if everyone games the system the system will fail and no one will get this type pf assistance …
 
Because of some posts in this thread, I have been thinking and you know, I have been living in sin. I am going to go to Confession today and try my best not to sin again. I am sorry that I have been a scandal to those of you who have been scandalized by my actions. Please forgive me.
 
Holly3278 said:
Because of some posts in this thread, I have been thinking and you know, I have been living in sin. I am going to go to Confession today and try my best not to sin again. I am sorry that I have been a scandal to those of you who have been scandalized by my actions. Please forgive me.
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Bless your heart, Holly, for caring, and striving to climb the steep and narrow path.
 
Holly, I grew up very poor. I know what it’s like to need help. I am still having trouble finding a job. I’d refrain from getting married if I were in your situation. Just remember that God loves you. Had I the money, I’d help you myself. God bless you. Some folks consider me disabled, but I do not get any money for it. For two very good reasons 1) I am perfectly capable of working 2) other people need it more.
I really hate it when people assume that those on government assistance are on it because they are lazy. There are certainly people that take advantage of the system, but I feel like not enough people can see there are those that legitimately need help. I am going to Mass before too long, I’ll be sure to say a prayer for you. God loves you.
 
adamhovey1988 said:
Holly, I grew up very poor. I know what it’s like to need help. I am still having trouble finding a job. I’d refrain from getting married if I were in your situation. Just remember that God loves you. Had I the money, I’d help you myself. God bless you. Some folks consider me disabled, but I do not get any money for it. For two very good reasons 1) I am perfectly capable of working 2) other people need it more.
I really hate it when people assume that those on government assistance are on it because they are lazy. There are certainly people that take advantage of the system, but I feel like not enough people can see there are those that legitimately need help. I am going to Mass before too long, I’ll be sure to say a prayer for you. God loves you.
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May God bess you, adam.
 
Adonia said:
Well then, she should get married. But of course the government money they both get for free seems to be more important than doing the right thing. It all comes down to cold, hard cash - right?
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You know the OP and her BF could have chosen to abort their baby to make life easier. I think someone mentioned this earlier. Shouldn’t they be applauded for that? Can we be merciful in this Year of Mercy?
 
Adonia said:
Well then, she should get married. But of course the government money they both get for free seems to be more important than doing the right thing. It all comes down to cold, hard cash - right?
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This comes across as resentful. Poverty, the condition in which one must be to qualify for benefits has very little freedom. In fact, it has a lot more slavery. People in poverty rarely experience what it is to get anything “free”. There are some people above the line to qualify that give up the rest of their posessions and assets just to be able to get the medical coverage. I think it is hard for people who have never struggled with poverty to understand it.

In this year of Mercy, maybe it would be spiritually deepening to fast from affluence?
 
Lost_Sheep said:
From what I can see, Holly and her BF need it. You do what you gotta do to survive.
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We do not have a full and complete picture of Holly’s situation nor her baby’s fathers situation …

All we have is the cryptic information that Holly provided …

She is currently unable to work and is on SSI,

She has had a baby and is a single parent.

She does not live with the baby’s father

The father is also disabled [SSD] but works some

They want to get married but doing so would cause one or both to loose some of their SSI/SSD

We do not know the income from work and assistance they receive nor the amounts of any additional assistance they are also receiving at this time. We do not know the permanency of their disabilities. We do not know the rent they pay for two households or if they are in housing that is owned. We do not know what their respective families can offer in assistance. We do not know if they are paying for internet access in their home and own the computer upon which Holly posts here. She has never said what the savings would be for the combining of the two in rent and utilities … but there would be savings.

We do know that when you seek assistance for which you apply that means you agree to the rules and regulations associated with the program … which means abiding by the rules - you don’t get to change the rules because somehow your situation makes you more special than others or because you suddenly decide you want to get married but not accept financial responsibility for that household …

I never said Holly did not need the assistance nor that she should give up that assistance … Marriage does not seem to be the most appropriate option for her at this time based upon her dependency on the SSI … marriage and the possibility of bringing additional children into this situation [which could very possibly result in their getting married] is definitely not the appropriate action for this couple to take. They need to delay self gratification and desires and do what is responsible.

Those encouraging her to defraud the system by circumventing the household income limits are not giving her good advice … its not good for the safety net system to encourage people to cheat as that could and would bankrupt the system for those that depend on it AND follow the rules. Nor is it good to encourage people to be dishonest … the means do not justify the ends.

If you do not like the rules - work to change them …but do not perpetrate a fraud.
 
Holly3278 said:
Because of some posts in this thread, I have been thinking and you know, I have been living in sin. I am going to go to Confession today and try my best not to sin again. I am sorry that I have been a scandal to those of you who have been scandalized by my actions. Please forgive me.
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God bless you Holly. I know you have many struggles, and people here may be quick to give replies without fully understanding the situation. Talk to your pastor about your desire to marry and a benefits counselor about your social service needs.
 
1ke said:
God bless you Holly. I know you have many struggles, and people here may be quick to give replies without fully understanding the situation. Talk to your pastor about your desire to marry and a benefits counselor about your social service needs.
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Listen to this lady. She’s smart.

In all seriousness, there’s more here than can really be dealt with on the internet. Sometimes the rules for benefits don’t make sense, or don’t work right, but there are people you can reach out to to get a better idea of your options.
 
ClearWater said:
The Church would say to get married and lose your benefits.

**I would say in that case to live together. ** People who have never lived hand-to-mouth might not understand what they are asking you to do by giving up your benefits. Unfortunately, the system is set up in such a way as to put one at a severe disadvantage by marrying at times.

I think I know a little bit about what you’re going through. If I ever marry my boyfriend, he will lose his health benefits. He has a disability, and I’d hate to do that to him. It would require a lot of thought and consideration.

I am sorry about your situation.
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I never said to marry.
 
Holly3278 said:
Hey everyone. I am looking for any (name removed by moderator)ut or advice that anyone can offer. Anyway, I am on SSI which is the acronym for Supplemental Security Income. It is given to disabled people who have a financial need for it and it is not based on work history like SSDI is. SSDI is Social Security Disability Insurance program and is given to people who are disabled and have enough work credits. To put it simply, I didn’t work enough to qualify for SSDI and I only qualified for SSI. I can’t work anymore because of my disabilities and therefore have no chance of ever getting SSDI.

Anyway, I want to marry my boyfriend who is also the father of my child, Colton. My boyfriend’s name is David. I can’t get married to him because he makes too much money and his combined income with mine would mean that I would lose most of my SSI check and then we would not have enough money to take care of each other and our child. He has SSDI (which he is losing soon) and he also works a certain amount of allowable hours per week. He has to do this in order to be able to pay all the bills. Soon, he will simply be working only and he will likely be working full time if he can handle it.

So anyway, we can’t get married to each other because our combined incomes would result in me losing most of my income which would put David and I in a precarious financial situation.

So what advice do you have for us? We want to get married but the only way we could do that is if I lose my SSI and if I lose my SSI then we will be in a precarious financial situation. So to put it simply, we see no way that we can get married.

If we could get married without having to have the government recognize the marriage then that would work but that is illegal. Besides that, we would live together after getting married and again, our combined incomes would be counted and I would lose most, if not all, of my SSI check.
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You explain your situation which ,unfortunately, is many many peoples situation. And a sad one. prayers for you, your family and many the many others.
 
1990Domer said:
You know the OP and her BF could have chosen to abort their baby to make life easier. I think someone mentioned this earlier. Shouldn’t they be applauded for that? Can we be merciful in this Year of Mercy?
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I get what you are saying, but at the same time do I deserve applause for the fact that I was a drug addict for 5 years and I have been clean for 7 years now? Do I get applause for the fact that I was doped out for extended amounts of times and carrying weapons and I never killed anyone? NO! I am not supposed to take drugs anyways. I am not supposed to kill anyone anyways. You do not get applause for something you should have done (or not done) anyways. Nobody does. And I am not talking about the OP only, I mean everyone. Myself included.
 
ClearWater said:
I never said to marry.
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When we start justifying co-habitation because it is more convenient, how do we not then begin to also justify abortion though? It starts a bad cycle if we are looking at co-habitation, abortion, contraception, from a lens of Faith and Catholic Christian values. Of course, if one is not looking at it through that lens, all kinds of things are no longer immoral or at least justifiable. But Holly just said she wants to try to do right. So, co habitation would be out of the question.
 
Lost_Sheep said:
From what I can see, Holly and her BF need it. You do what you gotta do to survive.
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That does not make it right though. How many people lie cheat and steal and justify it by saying “I gotta do what I gotta do to survive”? Besides, what you say is not true. They can not get married and NOT cheat the system. Sad choice, but a choice none the less.
 
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