Invited to same-sex wedding, wwyd?

[BlueEyedLady]

Please, go and talk to your priest. I have a feeling that he will say you should go ahead and send the gift. But even if he doesn’t, you already know that there will be consequences from not sending a gift.

It would have been nice if she and her friend had stated on the invitation, “No gifts please!” If they are both adults and have their own households, it’s not exactly like a young (heterosexual) couple starting out in life, after all.

It’s actually rude to say “No gifts please” for two reasons: 1. Some people take that to mean you are asking for cash instead, and 2. In doing so you’re presuming that your guests wanted to get you gifts and would have done so, and it’s rude to assume that.

The best you can do is not register and accept what does or does not come.

 

[Bookcat]

Not sending a gift would be rude and probably hurt her feelings, but does sending one say we approve of the “marriage?” What can I say in the card? I was thinking something like “Wishing you both the very best” or “Sending our love.” Obviously she and my husband do not discuss his views on same-sex marriage. She knows we are Catholics, but that’s it. The wedding is actually out of state so, she probably thinks that’s why we can’t attend.

Help!

Truth and Love must be together. We cannot approve of that which is gravely disordered. So no I would not send any gift or card either.

It is difficult to advise how one can practically let her know your affection personally without in anyway showing approval - one certainly cannot show any approval or praise for the event or the relationship.

It may be that if one does not respond at all but simply continue the personal friendship she will - “get the message”.

As Christians - we must bear the difficulties that come with being countercultural and even try as we may – we may not be able to avoid all “offenses” that are “taken” by those who choose differently.

See the Catechism of the Catholic Church:

1868 Sin is a personal act. Moreover, we have a responsibility for the sins committed by others when we cooperate in them:

• by participating directly and voluntarily in them;
• by ordering, advising, praising, or approving them;
• by not disclosing or not hindering them when we have an obligation to do so;
• by protecting evil-doers.

scborromeo.org/ccc/p3s1c1a8.htm#V

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Giving a religious relic? Yeah, that would be out of place, weird, and self righteous.

Only addressing your friend on the card? I don’t see why/how this is self righteous. Homosexual activity is against our religious beliefs, and we cannot acknowledge this type of union as a marriage. Expecting us to do so would be intolerant and unfair.

That’s why I would prefer an honest, upfront discussion rather than a deliberate and blatant snub to my new wife and our marriage. If you’re too much of a coward to do that but are just brave enough to send a card that’s only purpose is to make the point that you were too afraid to say, I wouldn’t want to continue the friendship.

 

[Bookcat]

Not sending a gift would be rude and probably hurt her feelings, but does sending one say we approve of the “marriage?” What can I say in the card? I was thinking something like “Wishing you both the very best” or “Sending our love.” Obviously she and my husband do not discuss his views on same-sex marriage. She knows we are Catholics, but that’s it. The wedding is actually out of state so, she probably thinks that’s why we can’t attend.

Help!

Truth and Love must be together. We cannot approve of that which is gravely disordered. So no I would not send any gift or card either.

It is difficult to advise how one can practically let her know your affection personally without in anyway showing approval - one certainly cannot show any approval or praise for the event or the relationship.

It may be that if one does not respond at all but simply continue the personal friendship she will - “get the message”.

As Christians - we must bear the difficulties that come with being countercultural and even try as we may – we may not be able to avoid all “offenses” that are “taken” by those who choose differently. Though of course let us bring truth with gentleness and respect of persons.

See the Catechism of the Catholic Church:

1868 Sin is a personal act. Moreover, we have a responsibility for the sins committed by others when we cooperate in them:

• by participating directly and voluntarily in them;
• by ordering, advising, praising, or approving them;
• by not disclosing or not hindering them when we have an obligation to do so;
• by protecting evil-doers.

scborromeo.org/ccc/p3s1c1a8.htm#V

 

[Joe_5859]

Be honest with them. Truth and charity.

One can not approve of that which is objectively gravely disordered – and yet still maintain a friendship with another.

If I friend of mine held that marrying the opposite sex was wrong for they held that having anymore children was wrong. And so they did not come to my wedding - while I would not agree with them --if they are my friend I will know them and know that is what they hold.

Okay.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

It’s actually rude to say “No gifts please” for two reasons: 1. Some people take that to mean you are asking for cash instead, and 2. In doing so you’re presuming that your guests wanted to get you gifts and would have done so, and it’s rude to assume that.

The best you can do is not register and accept what does or does not come.

Okay, okay, Miss Manners…

In an extra enclosure…

“Since Jane and I have shared a household for many years, we request only the pleasure of your company at our wedding.”

Or something like that.

 

[Fairwinds]

Okay.

and know, take pride in, bask in the warm glow of righteousness that ending a friendship was the Right Thing To Do. regrettable, but you had no Choice.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Okay, okay, Miss Manners…

In an extra enclosure…

“Since Jane and I have shared a household for many years, we request only the pleasure of your company at our wedding.”

Or something like that.

Every Sunday for the first 16 years of my life my grandmother would hand me all of the Miss Manners and Dear Abby columns that she saved throughout the week.

And that’s why I’m such a charmer these days.

 

[Debora123]

That’s why I would prefer an honest, upfront discussion rather than a deliberate and blatant snub to my new wife and our marriage. If you’re too much of a coward to do that but are just brave enough to send a card that’s only purpose is to make the point that you were too afraid to say, I wouldn’t want to continue the friendship.

Wow, you’re taking this completely the wrong way. I’m not the type of person to be self righteous or to snub anyone. Ever.
I was simply offering an option where you can still show the person that you love and care about them, without having to compromise your beliefs.

With that being said, my first advice to JM WAS to start off the note saying “I cannot attend due to my religious convictions…” but JM wouldn’t feel comfortable with that so I gave her my advice accordingly.

 

[JackieMom]

What does your husband want to do? It’s his co-worker.

If it were mine, he’d send a gift.

He said he thinks we should buy something nice and send it, since nothing we do will change the course this relationship will take. It’s not as though us not sending something is going to open their eyes to the Catholic Church’s laws (they are Episcopalian) and cause a total conversion. He thinks it will just hurt their feelings.

He says, “The truth is that I do wish them well in spite of this choice so why not send a gift saying I wish them well?”

 

[Thomas_Jennings]

Your missing various pages it seems. Paul is very serious about such. It is very seriously wrong.

But Paul (great though he was) was not Jesus. He was, after all, human.The deciples themselves made a few errors here and there as Jesus himself often pointed out. If you grew up roughly 2000 years ago in that area, ‘gay rights’ didn’t exist as a concept. Even a hundred years ago, there was little awareness about homosexuality. These days a man like Oscar Wilde can be seen to be gay a mile off!- Then it took a full court case to extablish the fact. Often people with, in reality, unconventional sexuality, were refferred to as ‘confirmed bachelours’ and were thought as such!
Sorry if there are any spelling mistakes- I sort of dashed this off!

 

[JackieMom]

Okay, okay, Miss Manners…

In an extra enclosure…

“Since Jane and I have shared a household for many years, we request only the pleasure of your company at our wedding.”

Or something like that.

They have not shared a household But they do each have establised homes that I guess will be combined. I think the partner is retiring which is why a “wedding” is now happening. They did not register, though. At least not anywhere that I can find.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Wow, you’re taking this completely the wrong way. I’m not the type of person to be self righteous or to snub anyone. Ever.
I was simply offering an option where you can still show the person that you love and care about them, without having to compromise your beliefs.

With that being said, my first advice to JM WAS to start off the note saying “I cannot attend due to my religious convictions…” but JM wouldn’t feel comfortable with that so I gave her my advice accordingly.

Sending a card to someone who is newly married (whether you believe it’s really a marriage or not) that is only addressed to one partner is not going to be seen as anything other than an insult. Especially if the card is careful not to say “congratulations”.

And chances are that after all these years JM and her husband know their friend’s partner, so that’s an extra snub.

There was an ‘I Love Lucy’ episode where Ricky was offended that Lucy’s mom wrote a letter addressed only to her and with the last name McGuillicuddy. Kind of the same concept.

 

[Bookcat]

But Paul (great though he was) was not Jesus. He was, after all, human.

Paul was an Apostle and it is the Inspired Word of God…

This will take the thread off topic. So we will cease this here.

 

[Debora123]

If you’re too much of a coward to do that but are just brave enough to send a card that’s only purpose is to make the point that you were too afraid to say, I wouldn’t want to continue the friendship.

Isn’t this a little harsh? So if you had a friend who couldn’t accept something you did due to religious beliefs but didn’t want to tell you for fear of insulting you and instead took a more gentle approach, you’d dump them? Where’s the tolerance for their faith?

 

[Debora123]

Sending a card to someone who is newly married (whether you believe it’s really a marriage or not) that is only addressed to one partner is not going to be seen as anything other than an insult. Especially if the card is careful not to say “congratulations”.

And chances are that after all these years JM and her husband know their friend’s partner, so that’s an extra snub.

There was an ‘I Love Lucy’ episode where Ricky was offended that Lucy’s mom wrote a letter addressed only to her and with the last name McGuillicuddy. Kind of the same concept.

So your advice would be not to send a card/gift at all and just tell them what’s up? Because acknowledging their event as a wedding is not something we can do.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Isn’t this a little harsh? So if you had a friend who couldn’t accept something you did due to religious beliefs but didn’t want to tell you for fear of insulting you and instead took a more gentle approach, you’d dump them? Where’s the tolerance for their faith?

I could tolerate their faith. But if that’s how little they thought of me after all those years of friendship (JM made this woman sound like an amazingly good friend) that they couldn’t even have an honest conversation with me then no, I would see no reason to continue that friendship.

Even as a straight woman if a week after my wedding if I got a card from a friend addressed only to me saying that she was thinking of me I would assume that it was in regards to my marriage and that she was trying to tell me that in case her absence was misunderstood as just not being able to attend, here’s written confirmation that she did not approve of my wedding or even respect my husband’s place in my life, and that she couldn’t move on without explicitly rubbing her disapproval in my face. I would probably look over at him and decide that he means way more to me than she does and that she can continue her life without me.

 

[KendraDZ1902]

Ok, I definitely know that SSM and interracial marriage are totally different, but you wouldn’t think that where I grew up.

I married outside of my race. There are and were TONS of my family that didn’t approve. A lot of them went to my bridal shower and gave me gifts, but didn’t show up to my wedding. I think if I didn’t approve of a marriage, I would do the same thing. I would go to the shower or send a gift and not show up to the wedding.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

So your advice would be not to send a card/gift at all and just tell them what’s up? Because acknowledging their event as a wedding is not something we can do.

As I said earlier, yes. Just pull her aside and explain. Far more respectful then sending a card that’s only purpose is to make it clear that you don’t support what is the happiest time in their life. What a horrible thing to send to a friend. Imagine getting a card thinking its a happy congratulations only to realize that it’s an ulterior motive card.

 

[ThyKingdomCome]

I would be pretty bewildered if a coworker that I was close to and would call enough of a friend to invite to my wedding behaved like that.

The passive-aggressive behavior of only addressing the card to one person is a pretty serious dig. Frankly I would rather this friend just pull me aside and say “I think very highly of you and value the relationship my wife and I have had with you over the years, and I hope that we continue to be close for a long time. I am sorry that I have to say this though but I really don’t know how to navigate your wedding. My religion prohibits me from celebrating a homosexual marriage, but of course my wife and I want nothing more than for you to be happy. I’m sorry if I seem a little awkward about this, but I’m just so torn and trying to walk the line between following my faith and being as good to you as you have been to me and my family”. I would find the honesty refreshing and be happy that he respected me enough to be upfront instead of passive aggressive.

But the idea of giving them a religious gift or giving them a card only addressed to one smacks of self-righteousness.

I (mostly) agree with this. I am definitely in the “tell it to them straight” camp and try to do that in most areas of my life. I can see how this would be sticky, because if the boss is not a reasonable and understanding person, it could cause trouble at work. It is unfortunate though, that over the years, someone who has become like a good friend, doesn’t really know you well enough to even have an inkling about your convictions. I see there being 3 options:

1-doing what Blue Eyed Girl suggests. Only, I would replace “I want nothing more than for you to be happy” with “I hope for nothing but the best for you” - small distinction, but more theologically accurate, as she might experience plenty of happiness as a result of her current situation. And then I would make a point to show her kindness in another way, so that it is clear that you do value the friendship.

2-Don’t send a gift, and look for an opportunity to show kindness in another way. Is her birthday coming up? Do you normally acknowledge her birthdays? Is there a different occasion that you can do something kind for her or give her something? Just to show her that you are not abandoning the friendship.

3-If you feel like the security of your job depends on you not being fully honest, and if you have spoken to a priest and he has given you the go ahead, send a modest gift that is not particularly “wedding-ish” (not something for the bedroom, not couple things). And as others have suggested, have the card be honest - ie. “wishing all the best for you.”

I would be least comfortable with #3, but I would think that a trusted priest can be a better judge of the appropriateness of that than I could.