Is it okay to ghost your parents?

[christismylord]

Matthew 5:22 “But I tell you that anyone who is angry with a brother or sister will be subject to judgment. Again, anyone who says to a brother or sister, ‘Raca,’ is answerable to the court. And anyone who says, ‘You fool!’ will be in danger of the fire of hell.”

I understand you may be bitter with them for not introducing you to a solid foundation of faith…my parents didn’t really either, but God steps in and saves His own despite any situation. He may want to use you to reintroduce them to Himself. We must forgive.

(Matthew 6:15) “But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.”

(Matthew 5:3-10) Beatitudes

Blessed are the poor in spirit,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Blessed are they who mourn,
for they shall be comforted.

Blessed are the meek,
for they shall inherit the earth.

Blessed are they who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
for they shall be satisfied.

Blessed are the merciful,
for they shall obtain mercy.

Blessed are the pure of heart,
for they shall see God.

Blessed are the peacemakers,
for they shall be called children of God.

Blessed are they who are persecuted for the sake of righteousness,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven."

So, be merciful to your parents and guide them back into saving grace and faith. And be a peacemaker. As Jesus says, in (John 13:34-35)

“A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”

Let’s all act like His disciples

 

[redbetta]

They just refuse to admit they are in the wrong.

It is, unfortunately, extremely uncommon for parents to admit they are wrong to their children even when they screwed up very badly. Your parents are not uniquely terrible in that regard.

 

[puer.dei]

Also, I’m unaware of the beatitudes. Could you inform me on what those are please?

Seriously? You’ve never read the Gospels, but it’s your parents who are “phony Christians?”
Never mind. I will pray for your parents.

 

[Riman643]

Do you think they did that maliciously?

No.

Do you think maybe they just weren’t well catechized themselves?

Probably. They did marriage prep through the Church though. They should have had an understanding of their vows.

Maybe they find your sudden new religious sensibility bewildering and dont know what to do when you start quoting church documents at them.

Well maybe. They look like deer in the headlights and then get defensive. I mean if someone points out something of the catechism about something I’m wrong about I thank them and look and analyze it myself. They don’t do that. They try and justify everything they believe/do.

I get the sense you want to blame your parents for the sins you commit as an adult. Be more understanding of them. I’m sure you haven’t been a perfect son either.

Since I reconverted I take all the blame of sin on myself, and really all sins I’ve committed. I just want them to tell me they didn’t live up to their vows and to apologize for leaving a Jesus-shaped hole in my life. It would have been one thing had they belonged to a different faith or were never religious. But the fact that I was there and receiving the Sacraments but then stopped taking our family because we were busy with “sports” is appalling and I want an apology for that.

 

[Riman643]

Seriously? You’ve never read the Gospels, but it’s your parents who are “phony Christians?”
Never mind. I will pray for your parents.

That is completely uncalled for. I knew what they are I just didn’t realize they were called the beatitudes. I, unlike my parents, will actually ask when I don’t know something and listen when I am wrong.

 

[JulianN]

I, unlike my parents, will actually ask when I don’t know something and listen when I am wrong.

That is excellent news and a great first step. Please listen to all the posters here who are telling you how very wrong you are about this situation. I suggest talking about this to a priest – and show him this thread.

 

[Fauken]

I just want them to tell me they didn’t live up to their vows and to apologize for leaving a Jesus-shaped hole in my life.

You’ll get no such thing if you ghost them. If you do that, you’ll convince them that being lukewarm about Catholicism was the right thing to do. They’ll have no interest in a religion that, in their eyes, encourages its members to shun their parents for their faults and calls it piety. What do you think will interest them more? Seeing you happy with your faith, or blocking the very people who raised you for decades and love you because of their imperfections?

I, unlike my parents, will actually ask when I don’t know something and listen when I am wrong.

I take it then you’ve taken note that every person who has responded to this thread has told you that ghosting them would be a mistake and un-Christian like, yes?

 

[Irishmom2]

I just want them to tell me they didn’t live up to their vows and to apologize for leaving a Jesus-shaped hole in my life.

It is not your place to judge your parents or anyone else. They answer or apologize to God, not to you.
I know you said you take all the blame for sin yourself, but you really aren’t if you keep beating up your parents in this thread.

You lay all of the blame on your parents, and none on yourself for what you didn’t grow up learning. There are thirteen year olds on CAF trying to learn more about Catholicism, there are 15 year olds on here with atheist parents trying to convert. You have excused yourself so easily from any responsibility of knowing your faith at an earlier age. What were you doing at that age to grow your faith?

If your parents looked surprised at your allegations or defensive, yes, maybe they didn’t know better. Maybe when you are older and have more time in as a revert you will realize that perhaps your parents really did do the best they knew how to do. And people can only do what they know how to do.

I pray that God will soften your heart.

 

[puer.dei]

That is completely uncalled for.

Unlike calling your parents “phony” and “stupid,” while taking advantage of them financially?

 

[redbetta]

I take it then you’ve taken note that every person who has responded to this thread has told you that ghosting them would be a mistake and un-Christian like, yes?

I, personally, think people are being too harsh on the OP. While I don’t agree with completely cutting off contact, we do not know what his parents are like and I am not going to pounce on him for wanting to distance himself from them. The distance can possibly do both parties some good.

 

[Bruised_Reed]

OP, I have a hard time believing you really want your parents to be or become devout Catholics because ghosting them is a bad witness. That isn’t authentic Catholicism. You will drive them and anyone who becomes aware of this farther away from Catholicism or Christianity.

There are religions and cults who make the adherents ghost family and friends who don’t conform. It destroys families and no one who hears of this thinks, yeah, I want to a part of that group. Please consider this.

Your self-righteousness is distorting how you are viewing everything. Please think about that before you do something that won’t be easily be undone. I don’t think you really see the bigger picture here.

 

[JulianN]

While I don’t agree with completely cutting off contact, we do not know what his parents are like

We don’t – but even his own description of them doesn’t paint them in a particularly unfavorable light. His behavior, however, even by his own description, is otherwise.

I’m willing to bet that several of the posters here are parents themselves, who have had the experience of adult children who think they know it all. Or who’ve had to forgive really negative behavior of their children’s – without resorting to ghosting.

Would you feel the same way about this situation if the younger person had drifted away from the Church, and the parents’ response was to ghost them – not inviting them to family gatherings and holidays?

 

[frarmandofm]

OP:

I encourage you to put all of your grievances in writing and present them to your parents.

Along with a note that you will be moving out of their home and accepting no financial support from them, effective immediately. I know you have said you intend to repay them, but if you feel that they have been such horrible parents, why do you feel it’s acceptable to use them as a loan company?

Be an adult. Get your own place. Take out loans if you need to. But don’t rip them apart online and then use their money (even if it is a “loan”).

 

[Lou2U]

What strikes me is your thinking that your parents took you away from Catholicism deliberately, with the intent of ruining your life and making you suffer.

failed as parents to raise their children in the faith

they were a terrible influence on me taking me out of the faith as a child.

They have no interest in fulfilling their duties as Catholics

I feel betrayed that they took me away from the faith at a young age.

I feel betrayed that they took me away from the faith at a young age. I feel not being in the faith led to a lot of issues in my teens early 20s. If they weren’t Catholic maybe I wouldn’t feel this way. But these are people who took vows to raise their children in the faith and they flat out didn’t. I forgive them for being terrible parents.

failed as parents to raise me and my siblings in the faith.

Isn’t breaking a vow in marriage and keeping your kids from the faith appalling? Maybe my attitude isn’t the best but isn’t keeping their kids from God and having a foundation in the faith among the worst things Catholic parents could do.

They did marriage prep through the Church though. They should have had an understanding of their vows.

But the fact that I was there and receiving the Sacraments but then stopped taking our family because we were busy with “sports” is appalling and I want an apology for that.

I, unlike my parents, will actually ask when I don’t know something and listen when I am wrong.

Perhaps consider: they did mean their vows. They did mean their promises when you were baptized, when they took you to Mass, etc. And then perhaps they had doubts, perhaps they were tempted by more worldly things such as sports. In short: perhaps they were sinners, as Catholicism teaches every person to be.

And consider now. You admit that you aren’t gracious to them. Your anger here comes through so strongly I find it hard to believe they haven’t picked up on it too. So when you go to them, with your zeal and your anger and your indignation, they get defensive and angry back. They are not perfect; nor are you.

We had a user here on CAF who used to go into what he termed “combat mode” whenever he disagreed with his parents over faith. Guess what “combat mode” did? It caused pride, anger, upset. Everyone entrenched themselves into their positions. Guess what “combat mode” didn’t do? Soften hearts, create understanding, encourage listening.

These are your parents. You don’t need to go to them with sources or arguments. Sit down with them, adult to adult. And talk to them, have a conversation. If you show willing to listen to them, they will show willing to listen to you. And that way maybe you will get the acknowledgements you’re looking for.

 

[Irishmom2]

You are right. We only know what the OP has told us.

Distance will come naturally as one grows up and moves on with their adult life, wouldn’t you agree? Yes, no need for ghosting. Leaving home and living one’s own life is all that is necessary. It should not be with expectations of our parents apologizing for what we see as their failures.

We need to fix our own lives, no one else can do that for us.

 

[redbetta]

I’m willing to bet that several of the posters here are parents themselves, who have had the experience of adult children who think they know it all. Or who’ve had to forgive really negative behavior of their children’s – without resorting to ghosting.

A lot of parents themselves could use some more humility. Why is it always the kids that get called know-it-alls?

 

[JulianN]

A lot of parents themselves could use some more humility. Why is it always the kids that get called know-it-alls?

Well, in this case, it is indeed the kid who is saying he knows it all. And if a parent suggested ‘ghosting’ a child simply for disagreeing with them, you’d better believe I’d have the same response.

 

[redbetta]

Depends on what the failure is. If my parents hurt me in a really bad way, I would definitely make an apology a condition for having a relationship again. Otherwise, how can I be sure they won’t keep hurting me again? Not to mention, I would gain a massive amount of respect for my parents due to how rare it is for an older person to have the humility and self-awareness to someone younger than them.

Personally, I don’t respect my mother because she has never apologized for a thing in her life. I love her and we have had good moments, but I do not find her to be someone I can respect.

 

[Irishmom2]

I get what you are saying. But you actually are acting as an adult in how you are responding. You are not ghosting your mother despite her failures.

 

[redbetta]

Well, in this case, it is indeed the kid who is saying he knows it all.

Where has the OP stated he knows-it-all? A know-it-all wouldn’t admit he does not know what the beatitudes are called.

I think he could have used better wording, but he does not strike me as someone that arrogant.