Is the silent treatment acceptable? (Womanly opinions welcome...I can't really read women's minds)

[Jay53]

What a coincidence, I see her tonight.

However, I find it extremely unlikely that I’ll be able to talk to her.

Please keep us posted. I keep checking in here to see if you’ve talked to her yet!! (It’s like waiting for the next episode!!! )

 

[Pro-Life_Teen]

What a coincidence, I see her tonight.

However, I find it extremely unlikely that I’ll be able to talk to her.

Whyever not?

And if you can’t talk tonight- call her. Send an email, text asking to meet up.

My last post was harsh, as I stated even in it. Because I find this tale just too confusing. It’s weeks, if not months, since you decided you loved her. Why not ask her out that evening? Or this evening?

From the time my boyfriend mentioned that he liked me, to when I accepted being his girlfriend, was about two months. I was 16, skittish, unsure- we had met online after all. And we’re long distance for the past looks at sig 2 years and nine months. I have seen him 12 days during all this time. The British accent only makes up for so much. I can barely describe how frustrating it is to be in love with someone you plan to marry as soon as school is over, and not be able to remember their height, or how their hand feels.

So when I see couples who actually live in the same area jumping through all these hoops, it just seems like wasting time. You could be together, learning about each other, planning- courtship is more than a few weeks. You can’t marry her now, but maybe in two years, or three? During whichtime, I think, you should be able to see her for more than 30 seconds on occasion. Or be invited, and then not allowed, to come to dinner.

 

[dakotagirl]

Hey Belgarion,
I feel for you. What if you just shot her an email/letter/phone call/message/face to face chat tomorrow? I adore men who take care of business, and I bet she does, too . Besides, you have gazillions of people on your side, and we will help you chill down, I am sure.

 

[Belgarion]

Please keep us posted. I keep checking in here to see if you’ve talked to her yet!! (It’s like waiting for the next episode!!! )

Glad that my anguish is entertaining at least

Hey Belgarion,
I feel for you. What if you just shot her an email/letter/phone call/message/face to face chat tomorrow? I adore men who take care of business, and I bet she does, too . Besides, you have gazillions of people on your side, and we will help you chill down, I am sure.

Whyever not?

And if you can’t talk tonight- call her. Send an email, text asking to meet up.

What both of you suggest is irritatingly impossible.

She wouldn’t be allowed to talk on the phone with me, she doesn’t have email, or IM. She wouldn’t be able to just leave to meet up with me. How annoying…

But yeah, I didn’t see her today, actually. She apparently had some other business to attend to with her family, and so they didn’t come.

I WANT to get down to it, and take care of business…but as I said, I’m afraid of what might happen, and what might not happen. Or maybe I just don’t know what to do. I’m very confused ATM
[Pro-Life_Teen]
My last post was harsh, as I stated even in it. Because I find this tale just too confusing. It’s weeks, if not months, since you decided you loved her. Why not ask her out that evening? Or this evening?

Because the answer would be “No”
Or the way I heard it from HER, the answer would be “Let me talk to my dad.”
:banghead:

From the time my boyfriend mentioned that he liked me, to when I accepted being his girlfriend, was about two months. I was 16, skittish, unsure- we had met online after all. And we’re long distance for the past looks at sig 2 years and nine months. I have seen him 12 days during all this time. The British accent only makes up for so much. I can barely describe how frustrating it is to be in love with someone you plan to marry as soon as school is over, and not be able to remember their height, or how their hand feels.

Try not knowing at all

So when I see couples who actually live in the same area jumping through all these hoops, it just seems like wasting time. You could be together, learning about each other, planning- courtship is more than a few weeks. You can’t marry her now, but maybe in two years, or three? During whichtime, I think, you should be able to see her for more than 30 seconds on occasion. Or be invited, and then not allowed, to come to dinner.

Yeah, I agree. But my agreeing doesn’t suddenly change reality.
This is a ****** situation. No doubt.
This is a young woman that has such an AMAZING personality, and is perfect in nearly EVERY way…save for this. But as I said, its pretty minimal for her, since she has no choice (I’m not going to get into detail about it on the forum. )

I’m sorry if my mood is coming through into my writing. I’m very frustrated and tired.
And I feel like I’m going insane.

 

[Pro-Life_Teen]

What both of you suggest is irritatingly impossible.

She wouldn’t be allowed to talk on the phone with me, she doesn’t have email, or IM. She wouldn’t be able to just leave to meet up with me. How annoying…

That does seem very controlling. And email? Most college require email- either for information, or as a means of contact. No phone is very prisoner-ish.

I WANT to get down to it, and take care of business…but as I said, I’m afraid of what might happen, and what might not happen. Or maybe I just don’t know what to do. I’m very confused ATM

Sometimes you have to take a risk. Assessing a situation before you go in it smart too, but somehow I think you know every possible outcome by now.

Because the answer would be “No”
Or the way I heard it from HER, the answer would be “Let me talk to my dad.”
:banghead:

Again, she’s 20. Even immature 20 year olds don’t need constant permission. This does all seem quite controlling.

Try not knowing at all

First 17 months, never saw him in person. When I did, it was two and a half days. A year later I got to go to London for over a week. You know her as a friend, so I presume you know her height.

Yeah, I agree. But my agreeing doesn’t suddenly change reality.
This is a ****** situation. No doubt.
This is a young woman that has such an AMAZING personality, and is perfect in nearly EVERY way…save for this. But as I said, its pretty minimal for her, since she has no choice (I’m not going to get into detail about it on the forum. )

Being controlled to this point is important. And not minimal. You say her older siblings are married? You tell us they aren’t being controlled, but it’s possible they are. This kinda thing is deeply affecting. If she has to ask her dad over this kinda thing now, she may continue into marriage. Other people have pointed this out- such a deep control doesn’t break.

I’m sorry if my mood is coming through into my writing. I’m very frustrated and tired.
And I feel like I’m going insane.

It is. But don’t apologize. Mine is too- this is an emotional topic.

Every paragraph screams controlled, or prisoner, or something like that. Unless a better explanation can be given, I’m left thinking her father may have a massive influence on her life in a negative way. And jerking you around like this isn’t normal. Even for a dad who wants to protect his daughter.

 

[Belgarion]

That does seem very controlling. And email? Most college require email- either for information, or as a means of contact. No phone is very prisoner-ish.

No kidding.
She doesn’t go to college, so she doesn’t need email. Besides, Email and IM is how the latest marriage got on track. You’d expect the parents to learn a lesson from that, don’t you?

Sometimes you have to take a risk. Assessing a situation before you go in it smart too, but somehow I think you know every possible outcome by now.

EVERY possible outcome. I never saw the movie Next, but apparently he can see the future and know every outcome from a situation. That’s me, only without the psychic powers.
Right now, I’m scared of the risks.

Again, she’s 20. Even immature 20 year olds don’t need constant permission. This does all seem quite controlling.

Again, no kidding!
But what I I do about it?

First 17 months, never saw him in person. When I did, it was two and a half days. A year later I got to go to London for over a week. You know her as a friend, so I presume you know her height.

you got me beat there, I guess.
(She’s my height actually…Which is awesome. I’ve always liked (As in, was infatuated with) short girls, but I always wished they were my height…)

Being controlled to this point is important. And not minimal. You say her older siblings are married? You tell us they aren’t being controlled, but it’s possible they are. This kinda thing is deeply affecting. If she has to ask her dad over this kinda thing now, she may continue into marriage. Other people have pointed this out- such a deep control doesn’t break.

Well, I suppose if I asked them “Are you being controlled” it wouldn’t help…
But I suppose its an issue enough to ask one of my spies about it…
However, just from what I know, they’re not being controlled. (Especially since most [if not all] of them moved out to pursue their relationships.

It is. But don’t apologize. Mine is too- this is an emotional topic.

Yeah it is…But I’m still sorry. This situation is messing with my head.

Every paragraph screams controlled, or prisoner, or something like that. Unless a better explanation can be given, I’m left thinking her father may have a massive influence on her life in a negative way. And jerking you around like this isn’t normal. Even for a dad who wants to protect his daughter.

Well, to be fair to them, I don’t know 100% of everything about it. Though I know more than they want me to, for sure.
I may just be horrible at explaining this, too!

However, SOMEONE is jerking me around. And its not cool

 

[kage_ar]

A man goes into the doctor.

“doctor, doctor, it hurts when I do this” man waves his hand frantically above his head.

Doctor says “then, don’t do that”.

You are a young man who has no experience with girls, admit you have never been on a date. For some reason, you have zeroed in on a girl who is held prisioner by her father AND is willing to submit to it.

While knight-in-shining-armour is nice in fairy tales, it sounds as if you are obsessed with rescue. This girl could leave if she wanted to, she could go to college or move into an apartment and have a life. She chooses not to.

Find a girl, go on a date. Maybe someday this girl will be ready to function in the world, maybe not. The obsession is immature, let it go.

Many people here have given you advise, you do not seem to want to hear it.

 

[dixieagle]

A man goes into the doctor.

“doctor, doctor, it hurts when I do this” man waves his hand frantically above his head.

Doctor says “then, don’t do that”.

You are a young man who has no experience with girls, admit you have never been on a date. For some reason, you have zeroed in on a girl who is held prisioner by her father AND is willing to submit to it.

While knight-in-shining-armour is nice in fairy tales, it sounds as if you are obsessed with rescue. This girl could leave if she wanted to, she could go to college or move into an apartment and have a life. She chooses not to.

Find a girl, go on a date. Maybe someday this girl will be ready to function in the world, maybe not. The obsession is immature, let it go.

Many people here have given you advise, you do not seem to want to hear it.

That’s pretty much it in a nutshell.

I am SO glad my daughters weren’t into drama like this.

 

[rayne89]

You have already made up you mind on how you plan on handling this. You already decided you’re sticking with this rather bizarre situation because that is what you want to do -so why exactly do you keep asking other people’s opinions?

 

[rayne89]

Oh by the way this is not her father’s fault. It absolutely positively not his fault. It’s easy to blame him so you don’t have to blame who is really at fault. Which is this woman you are so infatuated with. She is 20 years old, if she cared about you that much she would have stood up to her father by now. When I fell in love with my husband, nobody and nothing was going to get in the way. The reason you can’t court/date this woman is because she is allowing her father to get in between the two of you. She is allowing it. She can run her own business but not her own life? These are choices she is making. And it is your choice to put up with it. So go ahead and put up with it. But don’t expect others to cheer you on.

 

[chevalier]

Belgarion, you’re probably not precisely waiting for more (name removed by moderator)ut from me, but the situation you describe, no phoning, no leaving the house without precisely explaining where and what for she’s going, no IM, no e-mail, etc, sounds like prison. In my view, social security should have a serious talk with her father. Only one thing prevents this from being illegal and criminal: her consent. But her consent is a result of her father’s brainwash.

 

[Jay53]

Belgarion, you’re probably not precisely waiting for more (name removed by moderator)ut from me, but the situation you describe, no phoning, no leaving the house without precisely explaining where and what for she’s going, no IM, no e-mail, etc, sounds like prison. In my view, social security should have a serious talk with her father. Only one thing prevents this from being illegal and criminal: her consent. But her consent is a result of her father’s brainwash.

I’m afraid I have to agree with this - I also wondered if she is/has been abused since she is avoiding innocent physical contact with a guy she claims to like.

 

[Belgarion]

You are a young man who has no experience with girls, admit you have never been on a date. For some reason, you have zeroed in on a girl who is held prisioner by her father AND is willing to submit to it.

No. I have experience with girls. I just haven’t been on an official date.
And that some reason is because she’s an incredible woman.

While knight-in-shining-armour is nice in fairy tales, it sounds as if you are obsessed with rescue. This girl could leave if she wanted to, she could go to college or move into an apartment and have a life. She chooses not to.

Don’t assume anything about me please. You are horrendously wrong. I’m not obsessed with the rescue, and I’m certainly no knight in shining armor.

Find a girl, go on a date. Maybe someday this girl will be ready to function in the world, maybe not. The obsession is immature, let it go.

No. I’m not dating anyone while this is still going on.

Many people here have given you advise, you do not seem to want to hear it.

I hear it, but what you’re failing to understand is that I’m offering more information as it becomes an issue. How else are all you supposed to understand?

ALSO, you must not be listening to what I’m saying.
Haven’t I already said that I’m going to say something about it, and if nothing can be done, I’ll move on?
Please, refrain from using a tone like that until you read and understand everything I’m saying.

You have already made up you mind on how you plan on handling this. You already decided you’re sticking with this rather bizarre situation because that is what you want to do -so why exactly do you keep asking other people’s opinions?

First, read what I said above.
Second, I ask people’s opinion on the matter so I can perhaps see where this woman is coming from. Perhaps SOMEONE on here can offer a perspective that is helpful towards understanding the other side, and perhaps a helpful solution. Also, my original post was made during a pretty emotional time…So it was partly a rant, too.

Oh by the way this is not her father’s fault. It absolutely positively not his fault. It’s easy to blame him so you don’t have to blame who is really at fault. Which is this woman you are so infatuated with. She is 20 years old, if she cared about you that much she would have stood up to her father by now. When I fell in love with my husband, nobody and nothing was going to get in the way. The reason you can’t court/date this woman is because she is allowing her father to get in between the two of you. She is allowing it. She can run her own business but not her own life? These are choices she is making. And it is your choice to put up with it. So go ahead and put up with it. But don’t expect others to cheer you on.

You can think what you want.
However, I agree that she could have stood up to them by now.
But, can you imagine the consequences of that? No family at her wedding. A strained relationship with them for many, many years. And perhaps many other problems.
Now, I don’t care if she goes along with their major rules. But my problem is with the lack of straight-forwards honesty.

Belgarion, you’re probably not precisely waiting for more (name removed by moderator)ut from me, but the situation you describe, no phoning, no leaving the house without precisely explaining where and what for she’s going, no IM, no e-mail, etc, sounds like prison. In my view, social security should have a serious talk with her father. Only one thing prevents this from being illegal and criminal: her consent. But her consent is a result of her father’s brainwash.

I love your (name removed by moderator)ut, Chev.
I agree with you.
Its not right, and she deserves better.

I’m afraid I have to agree with this - I also wondered if she is/has been abused since she is avoiding innocent physical contact with a guy she claims to like.

No. That’s not that case. (I know their older, married siblings. They would have told me.)
And she’s avoiding contact because she was told to. Simple as that.

 

[rayne89]

You can think what you want.
However, I agree that she could have stood up to them by now.
But, can you imagine the consequences of that? No family at her wedding. A strained relationship with them for many, many years. And perhaps many other problems.
Now, I don’t care if she goes along with their major rules. But my problem is with the lack of straight-forwards honesty.

Yes I can imagine the consequences because I got married against my parents wishes. My father told me he didn’t want to hear anything about the wedding. In the end he came around and even walked me down the aisle -that was 18 years ago . If I had listened to my parents I would have lost the love of my life. That is exactly why I have little patience with this nonsense this woman is putting you through. Even if my parents hadn’t come around it wouldn’t have stopped me. I didn’t want to hurt my parents but this was my life and I was going to be living it (God-willing) long after they were gone. She is 20 years old, you can’t find someone to to give you a perspective from the other side because the other side is just craziness. I was already married by the time I was 20. She is way too old to have the kind of restrictions she has. My 13 year old daughter has much more freedom then she does and people think I’m over protective.

Some life lessons are only learned the hard way. You keep insisting you will not give up. I read your posts to my husband and he thinks this woman your interested in isn’t the only one with issues. You’ve been after this girl for quite a long time, you says she cares deeply about you but you never talk about your future. If that is honest truth that it sounds like her feelings are platonic which is not uncommon in women. Guys often read more into platonic love coming from a woman.

Whatever it is, weather her feelings are romantic or not, this situation is not healthy. You are dead set on pursuing it regardless -so good luck with that.

 

[Belgarion]

Yes I can imagine the consequences because I got married against my parents wishes. My father told me he didn’t want to hear anything about the wedding. In the end he came around and even walked me down the aisle -that was 18 years ago . If I had listened to my parents I would have lost the love of my life. That is exactly why I have little patience with this nonsense this woman is putting you through. Even if my parents hadn’t come around it wouldn’t have stopped me. I didn’t want to hurt my parents but this was my life and I was going to be living it (God-willing) long after they were gone. She is 20 years old, you can’t find someone to to give you a perspective from the other side because the other side is just craziness. I was already married by the time I was 20. She is way too old to have the kind of restrictions she has. My 13 year old daughter has much more freedom then she does and people think I’m over protective.

Well, I’m quite certain that the situation would be a little worse than what happened to you.
Only because its happened before
But again, I know all they stuff they do is BS.
I don’t agree with it at all. But that’s why I have to talk to her about it.

Some life lessons are only learned the hard way. You keep insisting you will not give up. I read your posts to my husband and he thinks this woman your interested in isn’t the only one with issues.

Well, he can think what he wants, too.
But no one that I know thinks that I have issues for doing what I’m doing.
That’s because they actually know me, unlike you and your husband.

You’ve been after this girl for quite a long time, you says she cares deeply about you but you never talk about your future. If that is honest truth that it sounds like her feelings are platonic which is not uncommon in women. Guys often read more into platonic love coming from a woman.

Gosh, how many times do I have to say this?
her interest isn’t platonic.

Whatever it is, weather her feelings are romantic or not, this situation is not healthy. You are dead set on pursuing it regardless -so good luck with that.

I am dead-set on getting this straightened out. That’s what.
My pursuit will only continue if there is some openness and honesty in it.
Or does that mean that I have issues?

 

[chevalier]

Once again without a quotation, I’m worried by her obedience level.

On the one hand, there is the Christian ideal of total obedience. It’s not only monasteries, it’s also civil authority in lawful matters and it certainly is parents.

On the other hand, there’s just no way I would have obeyed that kind of dictate from my parents, no matter supported by them, living under their roof or not.

As a criminal lawyer, if I were in enforcement, I would certainly pay a visit or two to anyone locking other people up.

 

[sanctamaria17]

I have to agree with Rayne. I’m one month shy of twenty myself and if my parents had tried to pull that manipulation on me, they know I’d be out the door, no turning back. Heck, I’m getting my first apartment in two months, I’ve been five hours away for nearly two years, I take buses and trains to school and home (for breaks) by myself with nothing but my luggage for company and everyone always thought MY parents were the strict ones.

And yes, my dad insists on meeting any guy I date, so do my uncles and my brother. They still leave that decision up to me. I’ve hugged guys, whether interested or not, in front of my dad and he doesn’t care.

You come here looking for advice, then you dismiss it because they don’t know you or the girl. No, we don’t. That doesn’t change the fact that you asked our opinions. Yet, when we tell you, this is odd, this doesn’t sound like a typical twenty-year-old, etc, etc, you push it away and say it isn’t like that.

Seriously, find a girl who knows what she wants and doesn’t let anything, including family, to hold her back from it.

 

[Belgarion]

Once again without a quotation, I’m worried by her obedience level.

On the one hand, there is the Christian ideal of total obedience. It’s not only monasteries, it’s also civil authority in lawful matters and it certainly is parents.

On the other hand, there’s just no way I would have obeyed that kind of dictate from my parents, no matter supported by them, living under their roof or not.

As a criminal lawyer, if I were in enforcement, I would certainly pay a visit or two to anyone locking other people up.

Well yeah, there’s definitely two sides to it. Like you said, its good to be a good kid, but a lot of the stuff they do is, IMO, insane. Not even “behind the times” but
crazy.
However, I would hardly call them locked up. They socialize quite often , and even the oldest one in the house goes out from time to time. I don’t believe WITH anyone, but that’s not my business. After all, she IS 23 or 24, she BETTER be able to go out by herself. (HEr reasons for being home are legit, so don’t get started on her)

I have to agree with Rayne. I’m one month shy of twenty myself and if my parents had tried to pull that manipulation on me, they know I’d be out the door, no turning back. Heck, I’m getting my first apartment in two months, I’ve been five hours away for nearly two years, I take buses and trains to school and home (for breaks) by myself with nothing but my luggage for company and everyone always thought MY parents were the strict ones.

Well, since you’re already out, its a lot easier to just walk.

And yes, my dad insists on meeting any guy I date, so do my uncles and my brother. They still leave that decision up to me. I’ve hugged guys, whether interested or not, in front of my dad and he doesn’t care.
I think its quite good that your dad (and uncles…and brother) wants to meet anyone you date. And hugging guys is FINE!
I agree! (Do people expect me to agree with the parents’ rules or something??)
Heck, I hug nearly every girl I know!
Which is why I think this family goes overboard.

You come here looking for advice, then you dismiss it because they don’t know you or the girl. No, we don’t. That doesn’t change the fact that you asked our opinions. Yet, when we tell you, this is odd, this doesn’t sound like a typical twenty-year-old, etc, etc, you push it away and say it isn’t like that.

Yes, I come here looking for advice.
No, my “Dismissal” is merely offering further points to help this discussion to be more precise.
If all I said is “Her dad is too strict.” Would anyone be able to relate to the exact situation and offer helpful advice? No. But instead, I provide facts, and the occasional opinion of my own, to provide for a more in-depth conversation.
Now, I’ll agree that she’s not like a typical 20 year old. In some respects, I’ll say “Thank God.”
In others, I’ll say “Oh well, she’ll get over it.”
And still others, I think “This might be a problem, this is upsetting and I need to talk to her and fix this, or end it”
But I’m not going to sit by while others have misconceptions about her or me. Which is why I offer further points and information.

Seriously, find a girl who knows what she wants and doesn’t let anything, including family, to hold her back from it.

Well, I have to be fair to her at this point.
And that’s why I will try to fix this first(Because she may very well WANT things to go forward, but perhaps is being the weird person she is by waiting for me to do something about it.)

 

[sanctamaria17]

But why is she waiting FOR YOU?? Why isn’t SHE doing something?

Unless her father is that controlling (and if he is, something sounds very sinister to me), she’s TWENTY!! Yes, I may already be out, but still. She’s TWENTY! She’s an ADULT! Why is she letting her DAD decide all this for her? Why isn’t SHE standing up and defending her choice to so much as hug you?

This is not “protection”. This is CONTROL! That’s not healthy.

And why does she need to wait for you to rescue her? Why does she need you to get to her dad. Why can’t she, who owns her own business, stand up to her family for her choices?

Either she’s just not that into you or she’s not ready for adulthood…just my two cents. The whole situation is just way too bizarre.

 

[Belgarion]

But why is she waiting FOR YOU?? Why isn’t SHE doing something?

NO IDEA!!
If I knew, this wouldn’t be a problem!

Unless her father is that controlling (and if he is, something sounds very sinister to me), she’s TWENTY!! Yes, I may already be out, but still. She’s TWENTY! She’s an ADULT! Why is she letting her DAD decide all this for her? Why isn’t SHE standing up and defending her choice to so much as hug you?

Yet again, I have no idea. This is why I have to talk to her…Its something that doesn’t make sense.

This is not “protection”. This is CONTROL! That’s not healthy.

And why does she need to wait for you to rescue her? Why does she need you to get to her dad. Why can’t she, who owns her own business, stand up to her family for her choices?

I don’t think its necessarily a matter of rescuing. I was thinking that perhaps maybe she wants me to step-up. She knows I’m kind of passive, and it may be like that movie “Anger management” (Wishful thinking, huh? )
anyways, she runs her own business selling vitamins and stuff (Their family does that, and so she just started doing it by herself.) I’m quite proud of her, actually.

Either she’s just not that into you or she’s not ready for adulthood…just my two cents. The whole situation is just way too bizarre.

Ugh…I will repeat…she’s THAT into me.
Its a bizarre situation, YEAH. Trust me, I know. And yeah, I think she needs to a grow up in terms of romantic life at the very least. But I know her well enough at this point to respect all the stuff that she knows and understands that I have no clue about.