Is the silent treatment acceptable? (Womanly opinions welcome...I can't really read women's minds)

[whatevergirl]

Belgarion, I’ve got to agree with Liberanos that there are some things people are trying to turn your attention to and it would be good for you to suspend the defence for a moment and consider those things. Your judgement of that family is too optimistic, as is your judgement of your own situation. That’s okay, we’ve all been young, in fact in my case it wasn’t even long ago, and we would be very worrying if you were acting like a 40 year old with a baggage of jading experience when you’re 20. It’s your right to experience all that, but you’re gonna bleed from it. It’s often better to learn from someone else’s mistakes.

***You are still so young, chev! ***

 

[whatevergirl]

Well, from the point of view of adults who have dated, courted, married, married into dysfunctional families and ended up divorced, this is all very cartoonish.

And yes, we are listening.

And what you keep saying is digging your hole deeper.

You are the one who doesn’t realize how this looks from the viewpoint of people who are parents with children of their own near your age.

You keep arguing with us how the father is unreasonable but he’s not a real issue and all you have to do is pierce the castle armor and the maiden will be yours.

Yes. Cartoonish. I can see the little pen and ink outline of you lying on your couch swooning over the fair maiden and pining.

C’mon. Life isn’t a movie. Go live it with people who aren’t following a medieval script.

***lol, I have to agree.

Belgarion, remember we come to you with a spirit of caring and concern. I also want to say, be careful that you are not in love with a fantasy of this girl, and what you hope a relationship with her might be like…often times, no one can live up to the ideals we have in our heads when we build someone up to be bigger than life. Just a word of caution on that.***

 

[Belgarion]

Well, from the point of view of adults who have dated, courted, married, married into dysfunctional families and ended up divorced, this is all very cartoonish.

Wow, thanks for telling me that. Because I suppose none of the others (Who were under the same influence) were successfully married

And yes, we are listening.

Obviously not. Because the married ones have been encouraging me, not discouraging. One couple said “Its going to be hard.” But they didn’t say it was impossible.

And what you keep saying is digging your hole deeper.

heh, maybe, but then I like digging.

You are the one who doesn’t realize how this looks from the viewpoint of people who are parents with children of their own near your age.

Yeah…Because I have no adult friends with kids my age…And I suppose I don’t know my parents either.

You keep arguing with us how the father is unreasonable but he’s not a real issue and all you have to do is pierce the castle armor and the maiden will be yours.

Maiden? lol
Well, yeah he is unreasonable. And YEAH he’s the problem. But only when I allow him to be.

Yes. Cartoonish. I can see the little pen and ink outline of you lying on your couch swooning over the fair maiden and pining.

Hmm…I may lie on a couch sometimes to think about it, but swooning would be a huge overstatement.
C’mon. Life isn’t a movie. Go live it with people who aren’t following a medieval script.
You’re not contributing to this topic.
I’m not asking for your negative comments, and I’m certainly not asking for you to paint a verbal caricature of my situation, without the benefit of extensive knowledge of the situation. If this was a clear-cut issue, I would have figured it out myself.
If you want to continue those kind of remarks, do it somewhere else.

Belgarion, I’ve got to agree with Liberanos that there are some things people are trying to turn your attention to and it would be good for you to suspend the defence for a moment and consider those things. Your judgement of that family is too optimistic, as is your judgement of your own situation. That’s okay, we’ve all been young, in fact in my case it wasn’t even long ago, and we would be very worrying if you were acting like a 40 year old with a baggage of jading experience when you’re 20. It’s your right to experience all that, but you’re gonna bleed from it. It’s often better to learn from someone else’s mistakes.

If I’m not optimistic, I’m depressed. Which one would you rather feel?

Yes, it is essentially my choice to make, and perhaps it may end up as a mistake. But you don’t know that, and I don’t know either.
Keep in mind, though, that I’m not simply coming on here and begging for, yet rejecting all help. I’ve made a decision to act in a way that will get this resolved, or at least out in the open.
Is that wrong?

Making up fake excuses and playing silly games is more dense than being unable to get such a clue.

Oh, did you just say they are denser than me?

 

[Belgarion]

***lol, I have to agree.

Belgarion, remember we come to you with a spirit of caring and concern. I also want to say, be careful that you are not in love with a fantasy of this girl, and what you hope a relationship with her might be like…often times, no one can live up to the ideals we have in our heads when we build someone up to be bigger than life. Just a word of caution on that.***

Ugh…I suppose that I shouldn’t be insulted by YOU

I’ve said this a million times over. I’ve BEEN through that before! I’ve BEEN in love with the idea of someone and essentially a fantasy of who I wanted them to be!!

It took a while, (and some big heartache) for me to snap out of it!

I went through this with a clear head, and I know of ONE person (Chev ) who can appreciate that at least!!

 

[whatevergirl]

Ugh…I suppose that I shouldn’t be insulted by YOU

I’ve said this a million times over. I’ve BEEN through that before! I’ve BEEN in love with the idea of someone and essentially a fantasy of who I wanted them to be!!

It took a while, (and some big heartache) for me to snap out of it!

I went through this with a clear head, and I know of ONE person (Chev ) who can appreciate that at least!!

***lol, oh I’m sorry…I didn’t mean to offend. I am just saying, it can be that way, that people have an idealistic view of someone, but like others have said, no one is perfect…on some level, Belgarion, I think that when enough road blocks pop up along the way in our lives, it’s really God telling us to take a different road…I just don’t think that this is a healthy situation for you or that girl to be in…

We will all have egg on our faces if 5 years from now, you come back to tell us you are marrying the girl, though! We all want a wedding invitation, then. ***

 

[Liberanosamalo]

Not all the married ones have been encouraging you.

I know a priest who said that when he tells teen couples that 98 percent of teen couples end in divorce, they ignore him. They are SURE they will be in the 2 percent.

That’s how you filter all the advice.

No, this won’t change. Know why? We’ve all been going at this for 5 days and you haven’t done a darn thing. You’ve been jaw-jawing with us and mulling it over in your head and you haven’t done a thing to pursue the real problem.

You really don’t want a solution. No, you don’t want my negative comments either. You want us all to blow sunshine at you and tell you love will find a way. But you want it both ways. You want us to give you advice based on one vague post. But then when we do and you don’t like our advice, you tell us our advice doesn’t count because it’s not based on all the facts.

We don’t need all the facts. Most of us see clearly the big picture. And it is this: YOU ARE PURSUING A GIRL WHO HAS GROWN UP IN AN ABNORMAL SITUATION AND SHE TOLERATES IT BEYOND THE POINT SHE SHOULD LEAVE AND YOU THINK SHE WILL MAKE A GREAT WIFE AND MOTHER SOMEDAY, BUT YOU DON"T KNOW BECAUSE YOU HAVE NEVER TALKED TO HER ABOUT HER PLANS AND INTENTIONS. BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO TALK TO HER AND YOU ARE ONE RESTRAINING ORDER SHORT OF A VISIT TO THE POLICE STATION IF YOU TRY.

That’s the next step, by the way. Dad sounds like the type.

But this girl could be your soulmate. And you argue with everyone who tells you that things don’t compute here.

Believe what you want. If you really wanted to, you would have walked up to their door and had a face to face talk with the father where the whole family could hear you and you would have your answer four days ago.

It’s more fun to sit here and daydream that it might all work out someday if you are patient and valiant enough.

When people who have been down a dark road tell you the bridge ahead is washed out, it might be smart to turn the car around instead of finding out for yourself and telling yourself that some people once drove down the road and got there perfectly fine.

You wanted to know if the girl was playing games. Yes she is. She knows you like her and she is tormenting you. Instead of telling her family to tell you to pound sand and setting you free, or instead of passing a note to her sister who will see to it you get it where she spills her heart out and plans to meet you somewhere to talk, they all sit in a conspiracy to shut you out.

I’ll tell you what I’d do as a big sister. If I had a tyrant father like that, I’d take the sister to the mall, call you and meet you there and let her visit to straighten things out. I bet the older daughters are all petrified of him even though they are married and out of the house.

Because unless they are deeply strange too, they would be angry at what was being done to their little sister and they’d be trying to set her free.

The whole family is nuts. If you think you’ll fit in, have fun. If they don’t call the cops on you first.

 

[Belgarion]

Not all the married ones have been encouraging you.

Excuse me, I meant that in the context of “The married kids in the family are encouraging me.”

I know a priest who said that when he tells teen couples that 98 percent of teen couples end in divorce, they ignore him. They are SURE they will be in the 2 percent.

That’s how you filter all the advice.

Excuse me?
Wow.
I’m almost 20.
That makes all the difference
Kidding.
But I’ll tell you that my sister must be in that 2%, cuz she met her husband and started dating him when she was 17. Married him when she was 20.

Besides, relationships either end in marriage, or in a break-up. Who am I to say that I’m100% sure of what’s going to happen? its God’s will, not yours, and not mine.

No, this won’t change. Know why? We’ve all been going at this for 5 days and you haven’t done a darn thing. You’ve been jaw-jawing with us and mulling it over in your head and you haven’t done a thing to pursue the real problem.

OOOOOO
I’m actually getting irritated!
You wanna know WHY I haven’t done anything yet?!?
Because I haven’t even SEEN her since I started this thread (or if I did, there was a WELL warranted period of contemplation regarding what I was really going to do)
But of course, you have to assume that I have had a million chances, and have been just sitting still, twiddling my thumbs.

You really don’t want a solution. No, you don’t want my negative comments either. You want us all to blow sunshine at you and tell you love will find a way. But you want it both ways. You want us to give you advice based on one vague post. But then when we do and you don’t like our advice, you tell us our advice doesn’t count because it’s not based on all the facts.
Vague?
Hardly.
THIS is the kind of comment that I don’t want. Something from someone who thinks they know everything, even when they don’t even bother to READ!!

Let’s make one thing clear, this entire time I’ve been providing more and more information in an effort to narrow down the area of advice. That’s a lot of detail in such a “vague” post.

BTW, tell me where I said that your advice “doesn’t count” because you don’t know all the facts? I may have said that we all as a whole don’t know everything. I may have also said that a post (Or a particular point) is wrong because of whatever fact that I hadn’t mentioned yet. Is that your fault? No. But that’s why I bring it up as it is brought up in the thread.

We don’t need all the facts. Most of us see clearly the big picture. And it is this: YOU ARE PURSUING A GIRL WHO HAS GROWN UP IN AN ABNORMAL SITUATION AND SHE TOLERATES IT BEYOND THE POINT SHE SHOULD LEAVE AND YOU THINK SHE WILL MAKE A GREAT WIFE AND MOTHER SOMEDAY, BUT YOU DON"T KNOW BECAUSE YOU HAVE NEVER TALKED TO HER ABOUT HER PLANS AND INTENTIONS. BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO TALK TO HER AND YOU ARE ONE RESTRAINING ORDER SHORT OF A VISIT TO THE POLICE STATION IF YOU TRY.

personally, I think you should leave this thread. Its obviously raising your blood pressure.

Now, I know she’d make a great wife and mother some day. To me? Maybe, hopefully. To someone in general? Yeah, definitely. To say otherwise would be an extreme affront to her, to factual information, and to witnesses who would agree with me.
This is one of those things where you would have to be here to completely understand.

Besides, retraining order? really?

That’s the next step, by the way. Dad sounds like the type.

Nah, he’s the type to just stop staying after Mass.

But this girl could be your soulmate. And you argue with everyone who tells you that things don’t compute here.

Sure she could be. But she might not be either. What YOU fail to recognize is that I understand that.
I don’t argue with everyone who tells me that things don’t compute. But I will correct someone when they assume incorrectly.

Believe what you want. If you really wanted to, you would have walked up to their door and had a face to face talk with the father where the whole family could hear you and you would have your answer four days ago.

Yeah, maybe that’s true. But I would guess that he would pull me aside.
LOL
However, I do have responsibilities. I don’t just run off willy-nilly to her house (which is technically in another city) while I have a responsibility to my family.

It’s more fun to sit here and daydream that it might all work out someday if you are patient and valiant enough.

Not exactly. Stop assuming that you know everything. Its NOT fun at all to sit and daydream because I will often begin to worry about things. BUT, there is something that requires sitting and daydreaming AND helps me actively pursue her!!
Its called “Concentrating on school!”
Because I know the further I am along with THAT, the less weight her dad’s excuses hold. Which will ultimately help me in arguments with him. AND it’ll mean I’m closer to being financially ready to get married! Whoo hoo!

When people who have been down a dark road tell you the bridge ahead is washed out, it might be smart to turn the car around instead of finding out for yourself and telling yourself that some people once drove down the road and got there perfectly fine.

Except this is you reading the map on something like Mapquest where they often don’t have details and you think that POSSIBLY there MAY be a washed-out bridge ahead!
Sure, your warning may end up being correct! But the only way to know is to go there, huh?

 

[Belgarion]

Needed more room…

You wanted to know if the girl was playing games. Yes she is. She knows you like her and she is tormenting you. Instead of telling her family to tell you to pound sand and setting you free, or instead of passing a note to her sister who will see to it you get it where she spills her heart out and plans to meet you somewhere to talk, they all sit in a conspiracy to shut you out.

Wow, someone has been watching “Conspiracy theory” a little too much
we’ll find out if its true, though. Won’t we?

I’ll tell you what I’d do as a big sister. If I had a tyrant father like that, I’d take the sister to the mall, call you and meet you there and let her visit to straighten things out. I bet the older daughters are all petrified of him even though they are married and out of the house.

Yeah, its like they all walk on eggshells. Its ridiculous. And you know what?
They don’t even recognize it!
Maybe we just don’t know everything about this, but maybe we do considering who told me… A certain friend of mine had told me a story about when the older sister was over at her house. They had read something about some REALLY (worse than this family) bad patriarchal families. And the older sister says “You know what?..that reminds me of Ryan’s family!”
I literally LOL’ed when I heard it. My dad is strict, and he doesn’t let me do everything I want. But patriarch?!? lol
Yet she didn’t think of her own dad!

Because unless they are deeply strange too, they would be angry at what was being done to their little sister and they’d be trying to set her free.

Yeah, that might mean they’re strange, too. They ARE part of the family.

The whole family is nuts. If you think you’ll fit in, have fun. If they don’t call the cops on you first.

Wow, sure they may be strange…they may be nuts…but who knows?
Yeah, I fit in quite well with them, and so do a lot of other NORMAL people (socially…lol…not romanticaly…that’s just me…lol)

But I love how you think they’ll call the cops on me. (Yet again, those are the kind of comments that I won’t welcome in this thread.)

whatevergirl:

lol, oh I’m sorry…I didn’t mean to offend. I am just saying, it can be that way, that people have an idealistic view of someone, but like others have said, no one is perfect…on some level, Belgarion, I think that when enough road blocks pop up along the way in our lives, it’s really God telling us to take a different road…I just don’t think that this is a healthy situation for you or that girl to be in…

We will all have egg on our faces if 5 years from now, you come back to tell us you are marrying the girl, though! We all want a wedding invitation, then.

Hee hee!
I’d love that!
But yeah, I understand what you mean. I’m not makin’ the invitiations now, ya know!
But it’d be stupid not to try to get things to work. After all, would I be worthy of her if I just gave up when things got hard? Things GET hard, even when you’re happily marred! I’d be training myself for failure if I just gave up!

 

[Pro-Life_Teen]

Liberanosamalo, I agree with you completely. … am a touch scared Hell has frozen over, but that isn’t the point.

Belgarion, you’re making excuses. Give us all the facts you have, it isn’t like we can trace anything anyways. It might help. In regards to what we’re saying… her parents are strict. Too strict. You can’t win against a potential father-in-law and his verdict when he has his daughter believing that God told him talking to a suitor is a bad idea.

Yeah, its like they all walk on eggshells. Its ridiculous. And you know what?
They don’t even recognize it!

That seems like fear. So ingrained in the person that it’s become a part of their life and is accepted for the norm.

You want to finish up school so you’ll have more cash to get married? Thinking a bit ahead there. Again- courtship and engagement is a year or two. More possibly.

As for not doing anything because of school… you can’t physically get there, but a phone call that’s half an hour won’t take up any more time than typing out these posts. Call one of her siblings, tell them to tell her to pick up the phone. Or get an internet messenger, email account. Heck, account on CAF and use the PM system to say Hi. Find some way to contact her. Surely, even a city away, there’s a halfway point not that far off. Or call when you know her dad isn’t home?

We realize you’re a busy 19 year old young adult. So am I-- just finished my finals for freshman year of college this week. But I certainly make time to talk to the man I plan to marry.

We give you examples, telling you that teens break up often, and you cite her sister marrying young. You talk about this girl as a wife and mother. Y’all are 20. But you are barely more than friends. If you’ve been dating for two years, you can say that kinda thing, but like this… it seems on the side of creepy.

I, as a young adult in a serious relationship, am not certain if the father, girl, you or the whole thing is most … odd.

To end, I think some of your words to Liberanosamalo were not justified. Emotional topic, yes, but she is not only more experienced in the world, but an outsider. She isn’t emotionally attached to this family. Neither am I. So when we tell you it’s creepy, it’s creepy.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

I’m not asking for your negative comments, and I’m certainly not asking for you to paint a verbal caricature of my situation, without the benefit of extensive knowledge of the situation. If this was a clear-cut issue, I would have figured it out myself.
If you want to continue those kind of remarks, do it somewhere else.

Here’s where you told me you didn’t want the my advice without the benefit of all the facts.

Buh-bye.

 

[Belgarion]

Here’s where you told me you didn’t want the my advice without the benefit of all the facts.

Buh-bye.

Learn to read.

I said “Negative comments”
That includes things like: "It’s more fun to sit here and daydream that it might all work out someday if you are patient and valiant enough. "

And I said: “I’m certainly not asking for you to paint a verbal caricature of my situation, without the benefit of extensive knowledge of the situation”
which is pretty obvious.
That means I’m not asking for this:"Yes. Cartoonish. I can see the little pen and ink outline of you lying on your couch swooning over the fair maiden and pining. "

Duh.
Buh bye!

 

[Belgarion]

Liberanosamalo, I agree with you completely. … am a touch scared Hell has frozen over, but that isn’t the point.

Belgarion, you’re making excuses. Give us all the facts you have, it isn’t like we can trace anything anyways. It might help. In regards to what we’re saying… her parents are strict. Too strict. You can’t win against a potential father-in-law and his verdict when he has his daughter believing that God told him talking to a suitor is a bad idea.

Excuses would be stupid. If only you could hear the conversation I just had with my mother. She seems to think that giving her a letter is a bad idea, but only because its not as practical as just talking to her. If I wanted to make excuses, I would just say my mommy told me not to send her a letter.
Anyways, you think I can’t win. Ok, that’s fine.
But I believe I can. And if it turns out I can’t. oh well.

That seems like fear. So ingrained in the person that it’s become a part of their life and is accepted for the norm.

Yeah, well its his problem. And its not just family, its everyone. And its annoying.

You want to finish up school so you’ll have more cash to get married? Thinking a bit ahead there. Again- courtship and engagement is a year or two. More possibly.

Yeah, that time-line is about right. But its never too early to start saving up, regardless of who you’re marrying. After all, a career is an important part of one’s life. And if I’m going to be a father and husband someday, I have to be responsible for that family that I’ll have.
My want to finish school to do all that isn’t new. And neither is the saving of money. I’ve been doing that since I was 13. And I’ve wanted to be married for a much longer time.

As for not doing anything because of school… you can’t physically get there, but a phone call that’s half an hour won’t take up any more time than typing out these posts. Call one of her siblings, tell them to tell her to pick up the phone. Or get an internet messenger, email account. Heck, account on CAF and use the PM system to say Hi. Find some way to contact her. Surely, even a city away, there’s a halfway point not that far off. Or call when you know her dad isn’t home?

True, but then that would still take some serious charm
I’m not so short on that, so maybe that would work. But IMO, the straight-forward method is best.

We realize you’re a busy 19 year old young adult. So am I-- just finished my finals for freshman year of college this week. But I certainly make time to talk to the man I plan to marry.

Yeah, you’re right. But its more than just school. I basically work for my parents at home.
i help out around the house, they pay for college, and car insurance. Not to mention food, etc

We give you examples, telling you that teens break up often, and you cite her sister marrying young. You talk about this girl as a wife and mother. Y’all are 20. But you are barely more than friends. If you’ve been dating for two years, you can say that kinda thing, but like this… it seems on the side of creepy.

Yeah, I’m TOTALLY creepy!
BTW, its MY sister that married at 20. She has two kids now at 23.

and a 2nd BTW, “barely more than friends” Seriously"? Ok, if you say so.
And my comment about knowing that she’ll be a good wife and mom…uh…I know MANY women that I would, and will, say that about.
As “barely more than a friend”, I think I am in the position to say that.

I, as a young adult in a serious relationship, am not certain if the father, girl, you or the whole thing is most … odd.

Yeah, its odd. so?
…if you said “This whole thing is torture”…I’d still agree with you.

To end, I think some of your words to Liberanosamalo were not justified. Emotional topic, yes, but she is not only more experienced in the world, but an outsider. She isn’t emotionally attached to this family. Neither am I. So when we tell you it’s creepy, it’s creepy.

Whatever, think what you want.
But I’m rather good at recognizing tone, and thing that go too far.
Liberanosamalo went too far with what she was saying, assumed too much, and made comments that weren’t helpful to the situation on either side.
I stand by my comments

 

[whatevergirl]

***I forgot what your original question was, Belgarion…silent treatment, ah yes lol

Pass the popcorn s’il vous plait. ***

 

[Belgarion]

***I forgot what your original question was, Belgarion…silent treatment, ah yes lol

Pass the popcorn s’il vous plait. ***

…extra butter?

Yeah, I forgot my original problem, too! That was just what I should DO to prove my point…Eh…I guess we didn’t stray TOO much

 

[Mike_Dye]

I would ask her if she would like a goodbye hug, if not give her a big “it has been nice” handshake.

 

[Belgarion]

I would ask her if she would like a goodbye hug, if not give her a big “it has been nice” handshake.

That would be both clever and fair. lol
But I’m going to give her a chance to explain first, I suppose

 

[chevalier]

If I’m not optimistic, I’m depressed. Which one would you rather feel?

I would rather break the alternative and prevent it from imposing that “either or” on me.

Yes, it is essentially my choice to make, and perhaps it may end up as a mistake. But you don’t know that, and I don’t know either.

Be true to your feelings, but be careful about being true to yourself. Sometimes negotiations in business halt because one of the negotiators is emotionally attached to his proposed solution and the pride of authorship doesn’t allow him to admit other opportunities. Don’t let that kind of feelings push you into sticking to things that you had better change.

Keep in mind, though, that I’m not simply coming on here and begging for, yet rejecting all help.

No, it’s not that. It’s more that some of the opinions seem to make you rather defensive, while there’s a grain of truth in them and perhaps considering those opinions instead of repelling them could help you see some things from a different perspective.

I’ve made a decision to act in a way that will get this resolved, or at least out in the open. Is that wrong?

You asked for opinions, not for validation of your decisions.

Oh, did you just say they are denser than me?

I said lying to get out of a date or get rid of unwanted advances was a very poor choice of action, not denoting a great level of reasonability.

 

[chevalier]

Maybe we just don’t know everything about this,

I don’t know what could be known to justify that kind of situation. In my view, that situation is objectively messed up and cannot be justified by any argument that could possibly emerge out of thin air.

but maybe we do considering who told me… A certain friend of mine had told me a story about when the older sister was over at her house. They had read something about some REALLY (worse than this family) bad patriarchal families. And the older sister says “You know what?..that reminds me of Ryan’s family!”
I literally LOL’ed when I heard it. My dad is strict, and he doesn’t let me do everything I want. But patriarch?!? lol
Yet she didn’t think of her own dad!

Yes, it’s strange she didn’t think of her dad. And strange is a very mild word for that. On the other hand, I do wonder what made them think of your family. Was that her own impression or…?

But I love how you think they’ll call the cops on me. (Yet again, those are the kind of comments that I won’t welcome in this thread.)

The cops should grab a social worker and visit that place anyway.

 

[chevalier]

And, unfortunately to you, perhaps, Belgarion, I can’t but agree that it does look like you’re making excuses and diverting the topic, reacting with jokes (which is distraction) and sometimes with counter-“insults”. That seems like you’re in denial concerning her and her family. I don’t think if you really ask yourself, you really believe the all of the excuses are true or that the facts that you know and some other people don’t - or the facts that you don’t know either - could really change the view of the situation that much. It looks like the idea that anything serious might be wrong with the girl (you seem to have no problem with lesser faults) seems to be bouncing off of you. Same even with her father.

Various reasons probably make everyone paint the father mentally in a worse light than he is, generally because people are focusing on what his actions do to you and they’re looking from a perspective sympathetic to you. Same way, people indeed don’t know the girl and when they are concentrating on the worrying aspects of her behaviour, they can’t offer any positive value judgements to lessen the load, such as, “oh, but she’s such a caring person,” or, “but she’s a sweet girl overall.” People just know her from your tale and from what her family has been doing about you. However, in this little subject, there’s quite a lot of information already and certainly enough to say that they aren’t your ideal in-laws, which is a very restrained way to put it. As for the girl, if she’s being made a 13 year old by her father and the rest of the family, and she gets along with that, that puts her on the 13 year old level, which is about time for a crush on a teacher, but not the time for a serious relationship.

Sigh. Reminds me of some aspects of one of my past relationships. The parents wouldn’t have minded if she had had sex with me, but minded if she was up till midnight talking to me. They weren’t really controlling other than this kind of thing and one bigger thing I don’t want to talk about in public, but it created a lot of tension.

These days, I just avoid getting close with girls who are in close relationships with relatives that I would have a hard time getting along with. And I’m not above silence when I can’t tell a girl, “Sorry, I can’t take all the things you believe that your family instilled in you and I couldn’t get along with some of your family members,” and at the same time, I don’t want her to become more and more attracted and attached to me by exposure as friends. Wish I had a better solution, but nada. It largely restricts my pool, but I know myself well enough to know that I can cope with loneliness better than with exposure to certain ideas or behaviours.

 

[Sheeniac]

Wow, I think you just insulted me.

No - sorry. It was a kick in the butt to make sure I had your attention! But, to be fair, it’s quite a possibility that you may be all wrong in reading this situation. Is that insulting? I don’t think so - I have many a story where I was the complete fool and chose to ignore the obvious. Yes, I have been dense before and will be so in the future.

I think you really need to communicate with her ASAP!

BTW - you mentioned dropping someone an email - did you hear back? Was it one of the husbands?