Is this physical abuse and how do I fix it? :(

[EasterJoy]

If he does what he very well might do if this is not stopped, he could wind up not divorced but in prison. I do not even want to think what might become of you and the children.

This has to stop, and no one but you will ever stop it.

There are no excuses for what he is doing. *Even if you were returning physical abuse in kind, the solution would still be immediate separation! * Go to a medical professional, catalog the evidence–and make no mistake, physicians won’t be fooled by an “alternate reality” of where those bruises came from–and get yourself away from your husband.

You should have help in planning this. This is no place to make a “rookie mistake.”

 

[Mary_Gail_36]

He’s abusing you to the extent that he is leaving bruises. He’s doing this to you when you are especially vulnerable because you are pregnant.

Think of your kids and how he could abuse them too and how damaging and scary it is to live in a home where daddy abuses mommy.

You need to go somewhere where you can be safe.

Speak to your OB/GYN. They are trained on how to advise you on what to do.

Be strong.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

This is physical abuse. It is unacceptable. You did not cause it and you cannot “fix” it.

For the sake of yourself and your children, you need to remove yourself and them from this situation. It matters not if your husband cries and begs and promises to change. Abusers often do this in order to get their partner back, then they repeat the pattern over and over again.

There is likely a domestic violence center or hotline in your area. Please call it and speak to someone there. They will give you the best advice and will also have resources like shelters you can go to. If necessary (such as your husband’s violence escalates), also call the police.

You need to stop this, not only for your own safety but because as someone else said if you have children looking on, they are getting the impression from this behavior that it is OK for a man to act this way in a relationship and they may well grow up to repeat it. If this continues the children may also become victims of your husband’s anger themselves. Please get help as soon as possible.

 

[Farmerswife27]

Ok. You are all probably right. I’ll start with my priest, he married us and knows us well. I’ll talk to him after mass and see when he can meet me.

You’re very correct too, 'Tis Bearself, he will eventually apologize and promise to try to change and I always accept it and weeks go by and then something else goes to heck. It’s not always physical, it’s usually him reminding me about him being in control and having the “right to discipline me when I’m wrong” (yes, he has said that and I have it on tape). The strange part is how new this all is. He wasn’t this way before. Something broke in him about 2 years ago, and things between us have been off since.

 

[2cherubs]

Speaking with your priest is a wonderful step to take.

Often priests are busy, and he may not realize the urgency of your situation when you talk to him after Mass in the hand-shake line. He also may not be able to see you for a few days.

Another possibility is to go in for reconciliation—today, if your priest does them on Saturdays–and let him know then.

Domestic violence is usually cyclical, with good days and bad. Are you ready for the next bad day? Do you have a safety plan in place? domesticviolence.org/personalized-safety-plan/

 

[PseuTonym]

He wants me to leave him the kids. He’s been a good dad, for the most part, and I don’t fear for their safety. But I also don’t want them to keep seeing the fights.

I wonder whether the kids think that he’s been a good dad. I also wonder whether your husband doesn’t want the kids to keep seeing the fights. Unfortunately, neither of these questions can be asked at the farm because any attempt to communicate there in the presence of your husband is hazardous.

Leaving for a while is not an option either, we farm together and both work full time, I refuse to leave my home and livestock.

How long would be “for a while”? It seems that you need to communicate from a remote location, so that you aren’t at risk of being immediately physically assaulted. Alternatively, perhaps in the presence of third-party adults your husband wouldn’t physically assault you, so perhaps you could communicate on the farm if you could arrange for others to visit.

Now, I don’t have any personal experience with farming, so I might be missing something, but in the context of the first message of this thread, the reference to livestock seems completely inappropriate to me. You refuse to leave your “home and livestock”?! I would say “don’t worry about the livestock”, but perhaps there’s something that I need explained to me, because I don’t have experience with farming.

 

[Farmerswife27]

Also I’m sorry for sounding so niave, I guess the reason I asked “if” it was abuse is because he doesn’t hit me, he always stops short of that. So there’s some level of remaining control. He grabs, pushes me down or out of his way or wrestles me up against something (Not to make light of it but I AM pretty tough! at least I put up some fight!). He gets the look like he wants to haul off and whack me but so far he has not. It freaks me out when he talks like I should be aware it’s his right to though. I had to print off catholic vows to prove “obey” wasn’t there because he brought that up repeatedly (also on tape).

 

[pensmama87]

Also I’m sorry for sounding so niave, I guess the reason I asked “if” it was abuse is because he doesn’t hit me, he always stops short of that. So there’s some level of remaining control. He grabs, pushes me down or out of his way or wrestles me up against something (Not to make light of it but I AM pretty tough! at least I put up some fight!). He gets the look like he wants to haul off and whack me but so far he has not. It freaks me out when he talks like I should be aware it’s his right to though. I had to print off catholic ones to prove “obey” wasn’t there because he brought that up repeatedly (also on tape).

This is actually even more alarming. If he has the control to not actually strike you, then he has the control to not be physical in other ways as well. He chooses to do what he does, but threatens to do more, because the threat is enough. What he does works to keep you in line.

You are right that this is not at all the Catholic Church’s teaching on marriage. He is the one violating his vows by not loving and honoring you. This is not loving or honorable behavior.

 

[2cherubs]

Leaving for a while is not an option either, we farm together and both work full time, I refuse to leave my home and livestock.

A sharp lawyer could help you sort through that.

My immediate concern is for your children. They’re much better off with you, in a safe place away from your husband, than in State custody.

I don’t mean to scare you, but it’s a reality.

I’m cheering you on as you talk to your priest about this. It may feel like a “baby step,” but it’s a courageous one. :hug1:

 

[Prodigal_Son]

This is actually even more alarming. If he has the control to not actually strike you, then he has the control to not be physical in other ways as well.

I don’t think that’s how anger works. We have tons of instinctive checks on our actions, and “don’t hit someone” may be just such an instinctive check. The ability to refrain from actual striking does not mean that someone is making deliberate cool-headed decisions.

 

[Arizona_Fat_Gir]

YES. This is abuse.

I recognize abuse because I lived with it as a child. It hurt to see my father go after my mother when he was angry. Once he held a knife to her throat. He had a long-standing alcohol problem. Anything could start a fight.

This definitely must stop. How, I don’t know. If he won’t listen to you, is there someone else he would listen to?

 

[faithsmind]

Agreed. Abuse. Been there, and was pregnant, too. You can’t fix it. The healthiest and safest thing to do is to get your pregnant body and your children out of there RIGHT NOW and into a women’s shelter that is hidden from him. Call the shelter up right now and come up with a plan. Stop hemming and hawing about it and just do it. Yes, it is abuse, and the church encourages you to leave in this situation. There is nothing YOU can do to fix it. He needs to find therapy for himself and there is a 95 chance that he won’t. It’s time to let him go, seek a lawyer and file for divorce in order to get the financial help you’ll need to raise those kid. Stop trying to rationalize with this man and focus on taking care of your babies. I wish I didn’t fall into this temptation as much as I did. But it’s difficult not to. Much love to you sister. Great big hugs. Be Not Afraid, and cling to Jesus.

 

[StGerardMajella]

So I guess-- I am looking for advice on where the heck to go from here. I want to fix things and I’m feeling pretty helpless. Thank you all.

You have unanimous consensus that this is domestic abuse.

You need to first physically remove yourself and your children from the home as soon as possible.

Get yourself to a women’s shelter promptly and seek competent legal advice.

 

[CB_Catholic]

Ok. You are all probably right. I’ll start with my priest, he married us and knows us well. I’ll talk to him after mass and see when he can meet me.

You’re very correct too, 'Tis Bearself, he will eventually apologize and promise to try to change and I always accept it and weeks go by and then something else goes to heck. It’s not always physical, it’s usually him reminding me about him being in control and having the “right to discipline me when I’m wrong” (yes, he has said that and I have it on tape). The strange part is how new this all is. He wasn’t this way before. Something broke in him about 2 years ago, and things between us have been off since.

What “broke” was most likely the alcohol and pornography. Deadly combination. Listen to what people on this forum are telling you. Stop the denial. God bless you. Please get help.

 

[Bruised_Reed]

OP, as soon as you safely can, call the Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-7233 or you can visit the website linked upthread: www.thehotline.org - the website has an online chat so you can talk with an advocate and get a referral to an advocate and shelter close to you. They will let you know what your options are; they will not tell you what to do. They know that you know your circumstances better than they do.

A victim advocate can help you navigate getting a protection or no-contact order, as well as going to the police. LE can sometimes appear gruff, dismissive or make you feel as though you did something wrong due to lack of training or seeing victims return to their abusers repeatedly. An advocate can support you through this.

Unless you know with certainty that your husband will not check your computer it is safer to use one when you visit a friend or your midwife, or to use one at a public library. Same with a mobile phone; use yours only if you have not other option.

When you talk or chat with an advocate one of the first things to figure out is a safety plan. Leaving immediately might be the best thing or biding your time might be safer. Trust your gut.

Your advocate may be able to refer you to an attorney. Find out if you are eligible for legal aid.

Call 911 if things escalate. Don’t second guess this.

Many survivors do not know of a shelter or advocate until they need one. Many shelters are not listed in the phone book or an address posted on a website so it’s safer for residents.

Don’t tell anyone where you are going. Sometimes well intentioned friends or family will tell the abuser your plans or whereabouts because they think they are helping. They can also be manipulated or threatened by an abuser.

I’m so sorry you are going through this. I will pray for your safety, for courage and clarity as you move toward safety. You got this.

To those who are not the OP: if you can manage it, now is a good time to make a donation to the org that runs the hotline above or your local shelter if you prefer. Please visit the website to see what you can do to help, what to say, etc. for future reference. Those posters that replied understand that a person doesn’t have to hit for it to be abuse but many people don’t. Abuse comes in many forms including financial and religious. This may not be something you need to think about everyday so it’s good to arm yourself with information or refresh what you already know before you need it. Thanks.

 

[Xantippe]

I find it especially concerning that he was angry about the pregnancy and has been physical with you while you are heavily pregnant.

Homicide is a leading cause of death of pregnant women and mothers of infants.

abcnews.go.com/GMA/story?id=3316485&page=1

If he’s a good guy, your livestock will be safe with him without you.

If he’s not a good guy, you and your children aren’t safe with him.

 

[robertmidwest]

Hi all, my marriage is quite rocky and it seems like I don’t turn to my faith until it really hits the fan. That’s how I end up here. I’m desperate and there’s nobody I want to speak with in “real life.”

My husband and I have been married 9 years and I’m having our 3rd child next month. Recently when we argue (and we argue a lot, I think!) he has been pulling the “you need to listen to me, obey me, I’m in charge here” card. I understand submitting to your husband, to a point. but not just so he can have his way. If I get angry or follow him or argue, lately, it ends up somewhat physical. Like tonight with him grabbing me, pushing me out a door or to the ground, or sometimes pulling back like he is going to hit/punch me (which he has never really done) & then stopping himself. He grabs me and tosses me around enough to leave bruises. Today he tried to slam a door on my 8+ month pregnant belly because I was in the doorway trying to reason with him and wouldn’t leave when I was told–hard enough that the knob left a bruise on my belly. I started keeping Pics of the marks and even secretly recording our fights when I can, just in case. Not sure it’ll do any good if it comes to it but maybe it would help me keep my children if we split.

We have had issues in the past, lots of them-- money arguments, his alcohol abuse and pornography use most recently. He wanted a divorce last fall and I started going to marriage therapy alone (because our problems are naturally all my fault) & somehow I got pregnant… which he thinks was purposefully so he couldn’t leave me. It’s not, I was just desperate to keep him happy with me. I didn’t chart as carefully and relations seemed to help our problems at the time.

I’m living 1000 miles from my hometown, nobody here I can confide in, really. I want to go to therapy with him but he won’t. I’m not 100% certain he’s actually abusing me physically either, I don’t know how much physical contact is “normal.” Leaving for a while is not an option either, we farm together and both work full time, I refuse to leave my home and livestock. He also thinks I’m legitimately nuts and need to be medicated. He wants me to leave him the kids. He’s been a good dad, for the most part, and I don’t fear for their safety. But I also don’t want them to keep seeing the fights.

So I guess-- I am looking for advice on where the heck to go from here. I want to fix things and I’m feeling pretty helpless. Thank you all.

Your in therapy and they have not told you that pushing you to the ground, bruising you, threatening to hit you and slamming the door on you is abusive? Something fishy about that.

 

[EasterJoy]

Your in therapy and they have not told you that pushing you to the ground, bruising you, threatening to hit you and slamming the door on you is abusive? Something fishy about that.

It is possible she has not told them, particularly if she is aware they are mandatory reporters. Victims of physical abuse sometimes see involving others with details that would set wheels moving, and those wheels moving (even with their welfare in mind) as a loss of control.

When I was younger, I know I used to say that you don’t really have a problem until you tell someone else about it, because so often those other people wanted to come in and change things. It is hard to admit when a problem is beyond what you can handle alone, and it can be easier to see what you’ll lose by acting than what you’re likely to lose by not accepting help.

 

[pensmama87]

I don’t think that’s how anger works. We have tons of instinctive checks on our actions, and “don’t hit someone” may be just such an instinctive check. The ability to refrain from actual striking does not mean that someone is making deliberate cool-headed decisions.

Abusers are notorious for claiming “crimes of passion,” but simultaneously having enough control to make sure they only gradually escalate violence as the victim comes to accept as normal, and to hit where it won’t show, leave a mark, or can be easily explained by other things.

Abuse is not normal anger. Violence is not normal anger.

 

[ToeInTheWater]

Abusers are notorious for claiming “crimes of passion,” but simultaneously having enough control to make sure they only gradually escalate violence as the victim comes to accept as normal, and to hit where it won’t show, leave a mark, or can be easily explained by other things.

Abuse is not normal anger. Violence is not normal anger.

It occurs to me that while it is certainly possible for psychological and emotional abuse to exist without physical abuse, the latter is not the case. Physical abuse does not exist without the other forms of abuse.

The OP also assuming “if I leave him no one else will want me and I’d rather be in a terrible marriage than be alone” is also very troubling because “you suck and if you left me no one would want you” is indeed part and parcel of much of the abusive experience.