Jokes/Puns you would like to share

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A group of Texas Aggies were on a hunting expedition.

“I see some tracks,” Aggie # 1 said; “they look like deer tracks!”

“Nope,” Aggie # 2 retorted; “they’re wild hog tracks!”

“You guys are both wrong,” answered Aggie # 3; “I 'm positive they are bear tracks.”

They were still arguing when the train hit them.
 
To the person who stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you.

You have my word.

What’s the difference between in-laws and outlaws?

Outlaws are wanted

A politician uses statistics like a drunk uses a street light

For support, rather than illumination.

How does Bill Gates count to ten?

1, 2, 3, 95, 98, NT, 2000, ME, XP, Vista, 7, 8,10.
 
My wife saw an ant picking up a leaf 5 times its body weight, and told me, “Can you imagine being that strong?”

So I picked up the leaf and said, “Yes.”

Warning: NSFW

Standing on office chairs.

Why do you never see hippos hiding in trees?

Because they’re very good at it.

Got an ice cream for my girlfriend

Best trade i ever made.
 
Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you.
But, smoking bacon will cure it.

A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender asks, “How did you do that?”.

My sister bet me I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti…
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta

Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors?
Because if it had 4 it would be a chicken sedan
 
A man walks into a grocery store, grabs 50 cans of cat food, and goes to pay. The cashier thinks to himself, “How do I know this guy’s really buying the food for his cats, and isn’t feeding it to kids?” So for proof, the cashier asks the customer to bring a cat. So the man goes home, returns with a cat, and the cashier completes the sale.

A few days later, the same man walks into the same store and grabs 50 cans of dog food. Again, the cashier thinks, “How do I know this guy’s really buying the food for his dog, and isn’t feeding it to kids?” So the cashier asks the customer to bring a dog. The man goes home, returns with a dog, and the cashier completes the sale.

The next day, the same man walks in, carrying a bag. He goes to the cashier and asks him to put his hand in the bag. The cashier puts his hand in and grabs, then yells, “You have poop in this bag!” The man replies, “Yep, it’s poop. Now may I buy some toilet paper?”
 
I would fire that cashier if I ran the place.

Very funny, indeed! Kudos to that customer!
 
The internet connection in my farm was really sketchy, so I moved the modem to the barn.
Now I have stable wifi.

I was going to make a joke about time travel
but it turned out none of you liked it…

Why did the student eat his homework?
Because the teacher said it was a piece of cake

Her: What do you do?
Me: I race cars
Her: Do you win many races?
Me: No, the cars are much faster.

What state does the Mississippi River flow in?
Liquid

 
Bill Clinton, George W Bush and Barack Obama were on a plane, flying through the air. Bill Clinton threw a $5 bill out the window and said “I just made one person happy”. Barack Obama threw two $5 bills out the window and said “I just made two persons happy”. George W Bush threw Barack Obama out the window and said “I just made the whole world happy”.
 
Programmer: “Honey, you’re my number one…”

Wife: “Oh, really!? Well, who’s your number zero, you cheating bum!”

Did you hear about the guy who died from eating spaghetti?

He pasta way.

I have just ordered a chicken and an egg from amazon.

I’ll let you know.

What kind of Dr is Dr. Pepper?

A Fizzician.
 
The puns on here are getting cornier and cornier – but still funny. Keep 'em coming.
 
If someone who speaks 3 languages is trilingual, and someone who speaks 2 languages is bilingual, what do you call someone who speaks 1 language?

American!

It’s a 5-minute walk from my house to the bar, but it’s a 35-minute walk from the bar back to my house…

The difference is staggering

Student loans, you got me through college

I don’t think I can ever repay you

We haven’t found a solution to climate change yet, but…

…we’re definitely getting warmer.

I got an email saying “At Google Earth, we can even read maps backward.”

And I thought, “that’s just spam”.
 
I have that song on one of Johnny’s albums.

I’ve always liked Johnny Cash. But, boy, did he suffer toward the end of his life. I’ve seen pictures of him when he was so sick with that awful disease, and he wasn’t recognizable. It literally ravaged his whole body. I forget what they called it, but it was some rare ailment with devastating effects. He was initially misdiagnosed.

RIP, Johnny. After he lost June Carter, he really went downhill.
 
Has anyone else noticed that ever since the practice of digitally remastering songs became the norm, they no longer sound as good as they did when they weren’t digitally remastered? I have vinyls from many years back that have fuller, richer sound on them than the same songs by the same artists on CDs that have been digitally remastered. They lose something in that process. Anyone else find this is so?
 
I have vinyls from many years back that have fuller, richer sound on them than the same songs by the same artists on CDs that have been digitally remastered.
probably why vinyl is making a small comeback
 
That’s because the higher overtones are cropped to keep the file-size down.

Although this is supposed to be in frequencies our ears are deaf to, it still sounds different to a true music head.
 
Yup. I have measured some vinyl LP with significant response above 100kHz. Columbia mono’s seem to be “good” in this area. OTOH, my “Cats” LP has no significant content above about 13kHz. I haven’t tried, but I’m wondering if I notice any significant difference to it compared to CD, etc.

To stay on topic…
A drunk walks into a room, points his finger at everyone, and yells BANG, BANG, BANG. Someone carries him off.

The next day, he walks into the same room, points his finger at everyone and says, click, click, click.

They ask him. How come you yelled BANG yesterday, but click today? The drunk replies, “Well, yesterday, I was loaded.”
 
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