Jokes/Puns you would like to share

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What’s Snoop Dogg’s favorite weather?

Cloudy with a chance of drizzle.
 
I really enjoy telling Dad Jokes
Sometimes he laughs.
Saw a book on how to resolve 50% of your problems
I bought two
I was named after my dad
Because I couldn’t have possibly been named before him
I changed our WiFi password to 2444666668888888!
Girlfriend: What’s the new password?

Me: 12345678. She’s not done figuring yet.
 
I don’t tell jokes about fungi for a reason…

Too mushroom for error.
I went to the fairground recently and there was a man doing ‘Guess your weight’ so I stood in the queue and when it got to my turn

The man said “That was about 15 minutes”…
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut?

A barbercue.
Last week I x-rayed a bird in Norway.

Yep. Scanned an avian.
 
These are puns – most of which are funny. I love puns. I love the freedom to be as corny as I wish, and still get some laughs. Thanks for sharing those.
 
This just happened.

I got a scam call that from Concord, N.Y., that offered me a lower credit card interest rates. Just for grins, I decided to speak to an operator.

Me: What are you up to?
Operator (heavy foreign accent): I want to present you with a better credit card interest rate.
Me: So you’re a scammer?
Operator: No, madam, I am not a scammer.
Me: Yes. You’re a scammer and you fool no one. (Hangs up.)

@Cecilia_Dympna:

These phone scammers fool people into revealing their credit card numbers, and thereby steal huge amounts of money. Most of us ignore the calls. Naive people actually speak to the operators and get scammed.

I thought it would be amusing to confront one of the thieves.
 
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njlisa said:
I thought it would be amusing to confront one of the thieves.
Click to expand...
I got a call from “Microsoft” telling me I had been infected. Of course they needed access immediately to my computer to “fix” the issue.

I quickly spun up a virtual machine running Linux.
I then let him spin around trying to figure out what was going on.

It was fun to watch.
 
njlisa said:
I thought it would be amusing to confront one of the thieves.
Click to expand...
There is an app that will answer these scam calls and talk to them while recording the conversation for you to listen to later. I don’t remember the name but a guy at work showed me it a while back and it was pretty funny listening to the call.
 
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?

Great food, horrible atmosphere.
My friend keeps saying “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”

I know he means well.
I hate the word pierce

Goes right through me
Today I quit drinking for good

now I only drink for evil
 
What happened to the liver that got put into the mailbox?

It got delivered.
 
Some cheesy pick-up lines:
Is your name Google? Because you have everything I’ve been searching for

Is it hot in here or is it just you

If you were a triangle you’d be acute one
 
Hold up a pack of sugar and tell your waitress “Hey, you dropped your name tag”.

How many dancers does it take to screw in a light bulb? five, six, seven, eight!
 
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I agree. If you waste a scammer’s time, you’re preventing him/her from duping someone else.
 
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A hunter and his friend are walking down a path when they spot a deep hole in the ground.
The hunter says “how far do ya reckon that hole goes?” The friend replies with “I don’t know, let’s chuck something down there and find out.” They both lug an old radiator from the nearby bushes over to it and let it fall in. They start to count and listen for the thud, but before they hear it land, they notice a goat charge from the bushes and leap into the hole. Shocked and confused, they both continue their trek ahead. About 15 minutes later they are confronted by an old farmer who asks them “you two fellows, have you seen a goat pass by lately?” One hunter replied “heck yeah, we did! About a mile back, we saw it dive into a pit movin’ 90 to nothin’.” The farmer looks at him dazed and speaks “that’s impossible, he was tied to an old radiator.”(nauz123)
Click to expand...
 
My boss told me as a security guard, it was my job to watch the office
I’m on season six, I don’t know what it has to do with security though.
Do not buy flowers from monks
Only you can prevent Florist Friars
How do you get a farmer’s girl to like you?
A tractor.
People shouldn’t look down on lazy people.
They haven’t done anything!
 
Gentlemen, there are three simple rules for winning an argument with your wife.

Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
What did the numerator say to the denominator when they broke up?

I’m so over you!
I want to know who called it a last will and testament

It should’ve been called a dead giveaway
My father told me, “Work until your bank account looks like a phone number.”…

My available balance is $9.11.
 
A study of human nature:

A man had a huge pile of rocks in the corner of his lawn that he wanted to get rid of. So, he put a sign on the pile saying, “Free rocks. Take all you want.”

The rocks just sat there, week after week, month after month.

Then he put up a different sign that read, “DON’T TAKE THESE ROCKS!”

They were all gone within the day.
 
Probably my favourite joke of all time.

A man walks into a bar…

OUCH!
 
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