Jokes/Puns you would like to share

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Finland have just closed their borders…
Which means no one can cross the finish line.
If social distancing makes you feel lonely…
… just buy some stocks. Then you’ll have a bit of company.
Im so delighted.
A thief stole my lamp
What do you call a snake exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
 
Not so much a joke, but my niece cringe laughed. She is out of school at the moment, but they still have to do work, so she was pointing to her math homework and asking me “what do I have to do right here”? And I told her “pray, there’s even a cross”.
 
@upant Thanks! Those are all good chuckles but I may have to “borrow” the first one to send to my grandson. He is 14 and a cross country runner so I think that he would appreciate it. His last statewide race got cancelled due to COVID19 precautions. If I get any thumbs up grandma points I’ll have to let you know.
 
City guy goes duck hunting and shoots a duck but it lands on the property of a farmer. When he goes to get it the farmer says the duck is his cause it landed on his property. The city guy says no way. It goes like this for awhile until the farmer says okay we will solve this the country way. We will kick each other in the groin and the last one standing gets the duck. City guy says well okay if that’s what it takes. Farmer guy says I’ll go first and wham kicks the city guy. The city guy screams in immense pain and falls to the ground and moans in pain for about 5 minutes. He finally staggers to his feet and says okay my turn. The farmer says nah it’s okay you can have the duck.
 
Why do so many people in the former Soviet Union move so fast?

Because, they’re Russian
.
 
During the delivery of his Sunday morning sermon, the pastor observed that a parishioner had fallen asleep.
He stopped his sermon and addressed the parishioners wife, “Mrs. Smith, will you please wake your husband?”
The very indignant Mrs. Smith responded, “l certainly will not. You put him to sleep. You wake him,”
 
My wife asked for help with a puzzle. She said to hand her pieces with rocks and water.

I said shore.
For Sale: Replica Fisherman’s Knife

Not made to scale
Wanted to start panic buying.

But I saw my bank account and can only panic.
My girlfriend is like the Miranda Rights.

Anything I say can and will be used against me.
I logged into Facebook the other day and got a message saying “We value your privacy.”

Well I know that. How else could you sell it?
 
I just burned 2000 calories in 20 minutes

I forgot to take my brownies out of the oven
Why can’t pencils move?

Because they are stationery
I put all my watches together to make a belt

It was a waist of time
I saw my wife slightly drunk, yelling at the TV :”Don’t go in the church, you moron”

She’s watching our wedding video again
4 beer company CEOs walk into a bar

The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud Light.

The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Light.

The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light.

The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke.

The first three ask the CEO of Guinness why he didn’t order a Guinness, to which he replied:

“I figured if you 3 weren’t ordering beer it would be rude for me to.”
 
DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MUSLIMS, CATHOLICS and BAPTISTS

Muslims don’t recognize the divinity of Christ.

Catholics don’t recognize the prophecy of Mohammed.

Baptists don’t recognize each other in the liquor store.
 
Our LORD was confronted with the woman caught in adultery, and standing beside her, said, “Let them who have no sin be the first to cast a stone.”

Wham! A rock came flying and clipped the side of His head!

He yelled, “Come ON, Mom…!!!”
 
After the COVID-19 pandemic winds down, we should honor truck drivers with a national holiday on October 4th.

A big 10-4, if you will.
To be frank,

I’d have to change my name.
The kids in my neighborhood are so rich

They are still TPing houses.
I went to the doctor for hearing problems.

He said, “Can you describe the symptoms?”

I said “Homers a fat bloke and Marge has blue hair”
Why did Humpty Dumpty have a great fall?

To make up for his miserable summer.
 
I knew someone who wrote a screenplay about the armored cavalry.

Sadly, the film tanked.
 
The King orders- to kneel!
😂😁
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First April Fool’s joke of the day:

CONGRESS HAS JUST BALANCED THE NATIONAL BUDGET!
 
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an amazon account?

They were prime mates
Man: “Nice dog!”
Policeman: “Yes, this is our new drug-sniffing dog.”

Man: “Still in training, huh?”

Policeman: “What do you mean?”

Man: “Never mind”
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth today

Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent
Turned 18 today, so I bought a locket and put my own picture in it. Guess I really am

Independent
 
That same person hired on at Grey Poupon, but he couldn’t cut the mustard.
 
I think that’s the same person who hired on at Heinz, but got fired in a couple weeks. Seems he got himself in a pickle.
 
He then signed on to be a human cannonball, but his first night on the job, got fired.
 
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