Jokes/Puns you would like to share

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Why do we never see elephants hiding in trees?

Because, they’re really, really good at it.
 
A horse walks in to a bar and the bartender says…‘so why the long face?’.
 
How do you turn a 3D printer into a 4D printer?
Just give it time.
My friend says to me: “What rhymes with orange?”
I said: “No it doesn’t!”
What do you call immigrants to Sweden?
Artificial Swedeners
Why are mechanical watches so chilled out?
Because they’re always unwinding.
 
What do you call a communist sniper?
A Marx-man.
At a job interview, I filled my glass of water until it overflowed a little.
“Nervous?” asked the interviewer.

“No. I always give 110%”.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said
You know, one would’ve been enough.
A soldier runs up a hill and around a corner before slamming into an officer.
“Where do you think you’re going, son?”
“Sorry, Captain! It’s crazy out there and the firefight was so heavy. I got scared and tried to go AWOL.”
“Who you calling “Captain?” I’m a general!”
“Wow!” exclaimed the soldier. “I didn’t realize I’d run that far back.”
Bill Gates walks into a bar and everyone inside becomes a millionaire
…on average.
 
Why shouldn’t you write with a broken pencil?

Because it is pointless!
 
How do you make holy water?

Boil the hell out of it!

What do you call a sleepwalking nun?

A roamin’ Catholic!
 
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What do you call the lettering on an invitation to a baby’s first sacrament?

THE BAPTISMAL FONT!
What do you call a deacon, a priest, and a bishop asking for food at a restaurant?

Holy Orders!
What do you call an angel that seats you at a restaurant?

A HEAVENLY HOST!
 
Wow. Is that the longest word in the Welsh language?

Also, here in southeastern PA there’s a lot of Welsh place names (e.g. Bryn Mawr, North Wales, Upper & Lower Gwynedd) since the Welsh settled this part of Pennsylvania.
 
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My late paternal grandfather knew 11 different languages. The Welsh miners would rather die than defile their tongues with English and the bosses spoke English so he was the go-between since he knew Welsh & English.
 
My late maternal grandmother used to say that old age never comes alone.
 
Top of the morning to you on this St. Patrick’s day! How about some limericks to share? Nothing bawdy, of course. Rules for writing limericks is 3 long lines and 2 short lines with the rhyme scheme of aabba. Like this one that I made up several years ago.
Tis wearin’ the green so they say
That gives you good luck all the day.
So if you are smart
You’ll take this to heart
From orange you’d best stay away.
Maybe you would like to share an Irish toast or prayer instead. Here’s a blessing for your home that I found but can’t recall where. I like to send it either with wedding congratulations or for new home best wishes.
May joy be all around you
May blessings find your door
And may God fill your happy home
With love forever more.
🍀Slainte!!🍀
 
I was seduced by a mime. She did unspeakable things to me.
 
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i heard these were irish

May you be a half-hour in heaven before the Devil knows your dead.

this one is a little risque

May you die in bed at ninety-five years, shot by a jealous husband.
 
Just in time for St. Padraig’s Day.

After Mass, Mary walked up to her priest and said: “Oh father, me dear husband Paddy passed away last night.”

The priest replied: “Oh Mary, did Paddy have any last words?”

Mary said: "Yes, father. He said: ‘Mary, put down the gun.’ "
 
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