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StephieNorthCo
Guest
He really has had bad luck.He joined a tuna factory, and promptly got canned.
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J
JanR
Guest
A very thrifty and clean man accidentally dropped a quarter into his toilet bowl. He looked at it, and found himself in a dilemma. On the one hand, he didn’t want to waste the quarter, but on the other hand, he didn’t want to reach into the toilet to get it out.
He thought about it for awhile, then took out a dime from his pocket and pitched it into the bowl beside the quarter.
Then he said to himself, “For a quarter, no. For thirty-five cents, yes.” And he fished both coins out of the bowl.
Problem solved.
He thought about it for awhile, then took out a dime from his pocket and pitched it into the bowl beside the quarter.
Then he said to himself, “For a quarter, no. For thirty-five cents, yes.” And he fished both coins out of the bowl.
Problem solved.
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GEddie
Guest
He then signed on with a burlap factory but got sacked.
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njlisa
Guest
As floodwaters rose in the street, a woman prayed for God to save her.
Just then, two men in a boat paddled up and offered to rescue her.
She said, “No thanks. God will save me.”
As waters rose, another two other men paddled up to the woman, who
was now knee deep in the water.
Again, she replied, “God will save me.”
Within minutes, the water was so high that she was forced to stand
on the roof to await Divine rescue. As the waters reached her ankles,
a helicopter hovered over her. A man descended on a rope and attempted
to strap a harness on her. But she struggled fiercely.
She was certain God would save her.
Just then, the floodwaters swept her away.
When she reached heaven, she asked God, “Why didn’t you save save me?”
A voice said: “I sent you two boats and helicopter."
Just then, two men in a boat paddled up and offered to rescue her.
She said, “No thanks. God will save me.”
As waters rose, another two other men paddled up to the woman, who
was now knee deep in the water.
Again, she replied, “God will save me.”
Within minutes, the water was so high that she was forced to stand
on the roof to await Divine rescue. As the waters reached her ankles,
a helicopter hovered over her. A man descended on a rope and attempted
to strap a harness on her. But she struggled fiercely.
She was certain God would save her.
Just then, the floodwaters swept her away.
When she reached heaven, she asked God, “Why didn’t you save save me?”
A voice said: “I sent you two boats and helicopter."
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GEddie
Guest
The same guy then tried to become an Olympic swimmer, but could not keep his head above water.
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StephieNorthCo
Guest
Isn’t that the same guy who failed as a lettuce farmer near the lake? He couldn’t keep his head above water there either.
U
upant
Guest
Just so everybody’s clear…
I’m going to put my glasses on…
True house cleaners aren’t just born…
they’re maid…
Marie Curie was a brilliant physicist but Einstein was exponentially smarter than her.
E = M.C.²
I had an A in English
And that’s how I failed the test
Emotional wedding
The cake was in tiers
I’m going to put my glasses on…
True house cleaners aren’t just born…
they’re maid…
Marie Curie was a brilliant physicist but Einstein was exponentially smarter than her.
E = M.C.²
I had an A in English
And that’s how I failed the test
Emotional wedding
The cake was in tiers
G
GEddie
Guest
“Marriage is a three-ring circus: the engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering.”
U
upant
Guest
What rock group has 4 members that can’t sing?
Mount Rushmore
What did the drummer name his daughters?
Anna 1, Anna 2, Anna 3
I went to the liquor store on my bicycle and bought a bottle vodka, put it in the basket on the front and then it occurred to me that if I fall or something happens, the bottle might break, so I drank it all right there and it’s a good thing I did…
…'cause I fell 7 times on the way home…
What do you get when you boil a funny bone?
A laughing stock.
I left my PC on all night and when I woke up, it was freezing
Turns out, I left the Windows open.
Mount Rushmore
What did the drummer name his daughters?
Anna 1, Anna 2, Anna 3
I went to the liquor store on my bicycle and bought a bottle vodka, put it in the basket on the front and then it occurred to me that if I fall or something happens, the bottle might break, so I drank it all right there and it’s a good thing I did…
…'cause I fell 7 times on the way home…
What do you get when you boil a funny bone?
A laughing stock.
I left my PC on all night and when I woke up, it was freezing
Turns out, I left the Windows open.
G
GEddie
Guest
What did the Spanish firefighter name his twin boys?
Jose and Hose B.
Jose and Hose B.
U
upant
Guest
I’m a 5G installation engineer and people are constantly accusing me with bizarre conspiracy theories, such as how 5G is giving them headaches, etc. I think they are completely crazy.
4G must’ve fried their brains.
Guy orders ten shots of whiskey and downs them bang! bang! bang! The bartender is like “Whoa whoa whoa why are you going so hard?”
the guy says “You’d drink like that too if you had what I have”
the bartender gasps and asks “Oh my what do you have?”
the guy says “Two dollars.”
Why did Shakespeare only write in ink?
Pencils posed an issue; 2B or not 2B
And the award for best neckwear goes to…
…well would you look at that, it’s a tie.
This Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada. After a hard day on the slopes, he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain. After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall…
He asks the barman, “What is that?”
The barman says, “It’s a moose.”
The Scottish chap yells, How big are the cats!?"
4G must’ve fried their brains.
Guy orders ten shots of whiskey and downs them bang! bang! bang! The bartender is like “Whoa whoa whoa why are you going so hard?”
the guy says “You’d drink like that too if you had what I have”
the bartender gasps and asks “Oh my what do you have?”
the guy says “Two dollars.”
Why did Shakespeare only write in ink?
Pencils posed an issue; 2B or not 2B
And the award for best neckwear goes to…
…well would you look at that, it’s a tie.
This Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada. After a hard day on the slopes, he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain. After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall…
He asks the barman, “What is that?”
The barman says, “It’s a moose.”
The Scottish chap yells, How big are the cats!?"
U
upant
Guest
I’ve found dry erase boards to be remarkable.
A guy walks into a bar and sees 3 pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling.
The guy asks “what’s this about?”. the bartender replies, “well, if you can jump up and slap the meat, you get free drinks for the rest of the night. If you miss, you pay for everyone’s drinks for the next hour. You want to have a go?” The guy replies, “No thanks, the steaks are too high.”
How do you make a water bed more bouncy?
Add spring water
I made a clock. The big hand is a butcher’s knife, the small hand is a paring knife, and the clock face is a sharpening stone.
There’s never a dull moment.
Guess who I bumped into on my way to get my glasses fixed?
Everybody
A guy walks into a bar and sees 3 pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling.
The guy asks “what’s this about?”. the bartender replies, “well, if you can jump up and slap the meat, you get free drinks for the rest of the night. If you miss, you pay for everyone’s drinks for the next hour. You want to have a go?” The guy replies, “No thanks, the steaks are too high.”
How do you make a water bed more bouncy?
Add spring water
I made a clock. The big hand is a butcher’s knife, the small hand is a paring knife, and the clock face is a sharpening stone.
There’s never a dull moment.
Guess who I bumped into on my way to get my glasses fixed?
Everybody
M
MHawbaker
Guest
(Please Note: This uploaded content is no longer available.)
U
upant
Guest
How do you turn Six into Nine?
Remove the S
Why is it so hard to get a qsn drive in the right way
shucks. I mean usb
What do you call an Irish baker?
A ginger bread man
The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple, but with extremely limited memory. Just one byte. And then everything crashed.
I got my friend a cake in the shape of Pac Man
At least that’s what I told him when he saw it.
Remove the S
Why is it so hard to get a qsn drive in the right way
shucks. I mean usb
What do you call an Irish baker?
A ginger bread man
The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple, but with extremely limited memory. Just one byte. And then everything crashed.
I got my friend a cake in the shape of Pac Man
At least that’s what I told him when he saw it.
U
upant
Guest
I once knew an arrogant sponge.
he was very self absorbed.
English can be weird …
It can be understood through tough thorough thought though
When I was a kid, my parents would always say, “Excuse my French!” after a swear word…
I’ll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any French…
My partner keeps on having disturbing dreams, shouting things like “Hobbit!”, “Mordor!” and “Gandalf!”
Always Tolkien in their sleep…
As I expected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
he was very self absorbed.
English can be weird …
It can be understood through tough thorough thought though
When I was a kid, my parents would always say, “Excuse my French!” after a swear word…
I’ll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any French…
My partner keeps on having disturbing dreams, shouting things like “Hobbit!”, “Mordor!” and “Gandalf!”
Always Tolkien in their sleep…
As I expected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
B
Beryllos
Guest
The mother and father brought their 20-year-old son to the psychiatrist’s office.
“Doctor, our son thinks he’s a chicken.”
“Hmm, well, I see. When did this start?”
“Oh, about six years ago.”
“Good Lord! Why didn’t you bring him in sooner?”
(Sob!) “We needed the eggs.”
“Doctor, our son thinks he’s a chicken.”
“Hmm, well, I see. When did this start?”
“Oh, about six years ago.”
“Good Lord! Why didn’t you bring him in sooner?”
(Sob!) “We needed the eggs.”
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drac16
Guest
Wanna know how to confuse a calvinist? take him to the local buffet and tell him to choose whatever he wills.
U
upant
Guest
I just discovered that the word “nothing” is a palindrome…
Backwards it spells “gnihton”, which also means nothing.
Genie: “What’s your first wish?”
Steve: “I wish I was rich!”
Genie: “Okay, what’s your next wish?”
Rich: “I wish I had lots of money!”
Today is the last time I will see my 80-year-old grandpa
Because tomorrow he turns 81!
Did you know if you rearrange all the letters in Post Office
They get really annoyed
So I had an interview last year
The interviewer: Your answers should be quick
Me: Ok
Interviewer: what is 1490/52?
Me: quick
Backwards it spells “gnihton”, which also means nothing.
Genie: “What’s your first wish?”
Steve: “I wish I was rich!”
Genie: “Okay, what’s your next wish?”
Rich: “I wish I had lots of money!”
Today is the last time I will see my 80-year-old grandpa
Because tomorrow he turns 81!
Did you know if you rearrange all the letters in Post Office
They get really annoyed
So I had an interview last year
The interviewer: Your answers should be quick
Me: Ok
Interviewer: what is 1490/52?
Me: quick
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StephieNorthCo
Guest
They operated on a guy to remove his entire left side.
He’s all right, now.
He’s all right, now.
U
upant
Guest
Guys, it’s raining cats and dogs outside
I think I stepped in a poodle
I was at the hospital and I walked into a surgeon’s office
“Can I help you?” He asked.
“I keep thinking that I’m a moth,” I replied.
“You probably want a Psychiatrist for that.”
“Yeah, I know.”
He looked confused. “Then why are you here?”
“The light was on.”
Never argue with a fictional character
Their minds are completely made up
I am terrified of elevators.
I’m going to start taking steps to avoid them.
Why is your nose in the middle of your face?
Because it’s the scenter
Stop looking for the perfect match…
use a lighter.
I think I stepped in a poodle
I was at the hospital and I walked into a surgeon’s office
“Can I help you?” He asked.
“I keep thinking that I’m a moth,” I replied.
“You probably want a Psychiatrist for that.”
“Yeah, I know.”
He looked confused. “Then why are you here?”
“The light was on.”
Never argue with a fictional character
Their minds are completely made up
I am terrified of elevators.
I’m going to start taking steps to avoid them.
Why is your nose in the middle of your face?
Because it’s the scenter
Stop looking for the perfect match…
use a lighter.
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