Jokes/Puns you would like to share

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Why is it unwise to tell secrets in a corn field?

Because it’s full of ears.
 
What did the grape day when it got stomped on?

Nothing; it just let out a little wine.
 
A friend of mine likes to take selfies of himself in the shower, but they always turn out blurry. He has selfie steam issues. – Siri
 
What did 2 tell 3 when he saw 6 acting like a fool?

Don’t worry about him. He’s just a product of our times.
A snail witnessed two turtles collide and have an accident. He was asked what he saw…

He said, “I’m not sure, it all happened so fast.”
I took the shell off of my racing snail in hopes that it would make him faster.

If anything, it just made him more sluggish.
Spin the Bottle

When I was a kid, all of us kids played ‘Spin the bottle’. A girl would spin the bottle. If it pointed to you when it stopped, the girl could either kiss you or give you a penny.

By the time I was 16, I owned my own house…
A friend of mine always helps me out with maps and diagrams, pointing out all the little symbols and what they mean …

The guy is a legend.
Do not use “BEEFSTEW” as a password

It’s not stroganoff
 
What do you call a horse with insomnia?
A nightmare.
The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was
Sir Circumference.
I hate spelling errors.
You mix up two letters and your whole post is urined.
If you cannot find your dog, open the fridge door.
He’s standing right behind you.
What’s it called when a crab is walking to its part-time job?
A side hustle.
My friend can’t afford to p‌‌ay his water bill anymore so I‌‌ sent him a‌‌ card.
“‌‌Get w‌‌ell soon”
Are people born with photographic memories,
or does it take time to develop?
I got a new pair of gloves today, but they’re both ‘lefts,’ which on the one hand is great,
but on the other, it’s just not right.
 
I tell it in the wrong order.
Why am I bad at telling jokes?
How did the trees feel when winter was finally over
Releafed
my friend and I are going to buy some glasses
Friend: after that?
Me: After that, we’ll see…
Guys I just bought a 256gb iPhone XR, my son dropped it and the screen shattered. Anyways, I am doing a giveaway!!
The kid is 7, cute, thin, and not really tall.
A young boy runs into the house and excitedly shows his mother a 50$ bill he found in the park.
Are you sure it was lost, his mother asked? Yes, the boy replied, I am positive, I even saw the guy looking for it.
 
Two goldfish are in a tank one says,
“Do you know how to drive this thing?”
 
Hickory Dickory dock, three mice ran up the clock, the clock struck one and the others got away with minor injuries
 
To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner.

They picked pizza. Then I made tacos because they don’t live in a swing state.
Where did the hackers go when they escaped?

No idea, they just ransomware
What did the dad say when he put the car in reverse?

Man, this takes me back.
‌‌I finally figure‌‌d out what’‌‌s wrong with my brain!

O‌‌n th‌‌e lef‌‌t side‌‌, ther‌‌e i‌‌s nothin‌‌g right.

O‌‌n th‌‌e righ‌‌t side‌‌, ther‌‌e i‌‌s nothin‌‌g left.
 
Rob2 said:
This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a French naval ship with British authorities off the coast of England in October, 1995.
Click to expand...
This is a golden oldie but just to clarify for folks, not actually real. Haha. Version I heard way back in high school, it was an American ship and Canadian lighthouse. Basically I think it’s a funny little fictional premise that every region adapts in keeping with whomever the locally perceived ‘humble’ and ‘arrogant’ countries are.
 
Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac?

He lay awake wondering if there really was a Dog.
 
A 16 year old asks his dad when he can start driving.

Dad: I’ll make a deal with you. Over the next six months, you do all your chores when asked, you maintain at least a B average in school, and you get your haircut. If you do all of these, you will have my permission to drive.

Son: DEAL!!

(after 6 months)

Son: Dad, I’m ready to talk to you about driving. Here’s my report card.

Dad: Wow! You’ve really done well. And you’ve been doing a great job on your chores. I’m proud of you.

Son: So that means I can drive now?

Dad: Not quite. We had one more deal. You had to get your hair cut.

Son: Aw, dad. Moses had long hair. Noah had long hair. Even Jesus had long hair.

Dad: Yes they did, Son. And they walked everywhere they went.
 
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