Jokes/Puns you would like to share

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2 religious jokes, I don’t think they are bad but…

read at your own discretion

Two seminarians were debating on whether or not it was appropriate to smoke a cigar during the rosary. Unable to agree on the matter, they decide to ask their superiors. The first seminarian goes to his spiritual director and get’s his opinion. “Of course not, it’s disrespectful,” he says.

Later the first seminarian sees the second one smoking a cigar with a rosary in his other hand. “Hey,” he says, “I thought we can’t smoke while praying!?” The second seminarian says: “You asked if you can smoke while praying, I asked if I can pray while smoking”
“How many people work in the Vatican?”

Pope John XXIII: “About half of them.”
 
A friend was asked if he wanted to become a Jehovah’s Witness.

He said that he’d like to, but didn’t see the accident.
 
A guy goes to a department store and sees a display of thermoses…

“What is this thing?” he asks the sales rep. “Why that’s a thermos, it keeps hot stuff hot and cold stuff cold.” “Oh neat!” the guy says, “I’ll take one!” The next day he goes to work with his new thermos under his arm. His boss sees him and says “Hey what is that you got there?” The guys says, “It’s a thermos, it keeps hot stuff hot and cold stuff cold.” “Wow that’s awesome,” his boss asks, “What do you have in there?” The guy answers, “Two cups of coffee and a Popsicle.”
I remember when McDonald’s switched from Styrofoam to cardboard and paper.

I’m still wondering when they’re going to start using actual meat.
…I used to hate puns too…

But they’ve groan on me.
This is an Australian Joke so I’m going to post it in their native language

˙,¡ǝuo punoɟ I 'ǝʇɐɯ ɥɐN, 'sǝᴉldǝɹ ʎnƃ ǝɥʇ ,¿ƃuoɥʇ ɐ ǝsol noʎ pᴉp ¿ǝʇɐɯ pǝuǝddɐɥ ʇɐɥM, ɯᴉɥ sʞsɐ uoɹʇɐd ǝuO ˙(dolɟ dᴉlɟ) ƃuoɥʇ ǝuo ƃuᴉɹɐǝʍ ʇɥƃᴉu ɹǝɥʇo ǝɥʇ ɹɐq ǝɥʇ oʇuᴉ sʞlɐʍ ǝᴉssn∀ u∀
 
RuthAnne said:
A man asks his doctor when the covid pandemic will be over. His doctor replies, “How would I know? I’m a doctor, not a politician.”
Click to expand...
🤣 …
 
A priest and a rabbi are sitting next to each other on an airplane.

After a while the priest turns to the rabbi and asks, "Is it still a

requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The rabbi responds, “Yes, that is still one of our beliefs.”

The priest then asks, “Have you ever eaten pork?”

To which the rabbi replies, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to

temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it

still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"

The priest replied, “Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.”

The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the

temptations of the flesh?"

The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke

with my faith."

The rabbi nodded understandingly. He was silent for about five minutes.

Finally, he said, “Beats a ham sandwich, doesn’t it?”
 
I have a terrible sense of direction.
I had an argument with my parents and right the room.
 
This is quite amazing!

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn’t mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe. ceehiro
 
A dog, a tap, and a tomato enter a race. What happens? I hear you ask.

Well the dog is in the lead, The tap is running and the tomato is trying to ketchup. 😆 😆
 
Just be careful because people are going crazy from being in lock down! Actually I’ve just been talking about this with the microwave and toaster while drinking coffee and we all agreed that things are getting bad. I didn’t mention anything to the washing machine as she puts a different spin on everything. Certainly not to the fridge as he is acting cold and distant. In the end the iron straightened me out as she said everything will be fine, no situation is too pressing.

The vacuum was very unsympathetic… told me to just suck it up, but the fan was more optimistic and hoped it would all soon blow over! The toilet looked a bit flushed when I asked its opinion and didn’t say anything but the door knob told me to get a grip. The front door said I was unhinged and so the curtains told me to …yes, you guessed it …pull myself together
 
Yes. Depends highly on who you’re talking to. In the end, the yardstick gave me the most measured response.
 
How does one fog posts that can be read at the viewer’s discretion by clicking on the fogged area? I have one that really isn’t that bad, but I want to post it so that those who don’t want to read it don’t have to.
 
Hey, that’s not a bad joke. That second seminarian was actually kind of clever.
 
JanR said:
How does one fog posts that can be read at the viewer’s discretion by clicking on the fogged area? I have one that really isn’t that bad, but I want to post it so that those who don’t want to read it don’t have to.
Click to expand...
Like this…
there’s a gear at the right in your list of stuff when you do a response. Under that, there’s a spoiler or blurred text option. If you hit it, that will work.
 
😆

You know why they don’t send donkeys to college, don’t you?

nobody likes a smarta$$
 
Here’s one I heard years ago, and it’s still funny today:

Father Murphy was in charge of a very poor parish. At Mass one day, he asked for suggestions on how to raise more money. One of the parishioners suggested horse racing.

Father couldn’t afford a race horse, but was able to acquire a donkey. He decided to race the donkey, anyway.

The first time he raced the donkey, it came in third. The newspaper headlines announced in large bold type, “Father Murphy’s a$$ shows.”

The Bishop called in Father Murphy and told him he could continue racing his donkey, but to get together with that newspaper and make sure the language is more appropriate, next time.

Father Murphy raced his donkey again, and this time it won. And while he had spoken to the newspaper staff, they printed the bold headline, “Father Murphy’s a$$ is out in front.”

Again, the Bishop warned Father Murphy about the headlines. Father told the newspaper staff again, then raced his donkey again. This time, the donkey came in second. And the headline: “Father Murphy’s a$$ is back in place.”

“That does it!” declared the Bishop. “I forbid you to race that donkey anymore.”

The newspaper then announced, “Bishop scratches Father Murphy’s a$$.”

The Pope had a stroke.
 
And here’s another Father Murphy goodie:

Father Murphy announced during his homily that the church was in dire need of a new paint job. He requested donations from his impoverished parish to go toward that project.

Then he continued with his homily which was based on contrition, wherein he repeated, several times, “Repent, you sinner!”

After that Mass, he found in the collection basket only enough money to purchase one can of paint. But, he decided to go ahead and paint the church, anyway, rather than ask for more than his parishioners could afford.

About halfway through the job, he began to run out of paint. It was acrylic, so he decided to dilute the rest of it with water and finished the job. One could clearly see the distinct difference in coating where the paint had been diluted, but that was the best he could do.

Or, so he thought.

That night while Father Murphy was sleeping, God appeared to him in a dream and repeated, numerous times, “Repaint, you thinner!”
 
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