Jokes/Puns you would like to share

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True story that happened last week:

I took some dried clothes from the dryer and gave to my wife for folding and to put on hangers, which she prefers to do because she does it better than me.

Wife: “Can you bring me about 10 hangers?”
Me: “Sure, here you go”.

A couple of minutes later:
Wife: “Can you bring me about 10 more hangers?”
Me: I think you are having hanger management issues.
 
Like a lot of husbands throughout history, Webster would sit down and try to talk to his wife.

But as soon as he would start to say something, his wife would say, “… And what’s that
supposed to mean?”

Thus, Webster’s Dictionary was born .
 
Why did the Texas Aggie get fired from the M&M factory?

He kept throwing the ones with “W” away.
 
If olive oil is made out of olives and corn oil is made out of corn, what is baby oil made out of?
 
Did you hear about the 4 Texas Aggies at the four-way stop sign?

They’re still there!
 
Is it open season on Aggies? Okay.

You know the A in Texas A&M stands for Agricultural. So how did the Aggie spell farm?

E-I-E-I-O
 
It’s always open season on Aggies!

Water polo is no longer played at Texas A&M, after two horses drowned.
 
A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.

‘What was that for?’ he asked.

‘That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it,’ she replied.

‘Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on,’ he explained.

‘Oh honey, I’m sorry,’ she said. ‘I should have known there was a good explanation.’

Three days later he was watching the football on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold.

When he came to, he asked, ‘What for heaven’s sake was that for?’

She replied…’Your horse just phoned’
 
Given that cats have nine lives, do they have to purr-ge between them?

Might that be in the meow version of the CATholic CATechism when it comes out?
 
A Canadian lumber camp advertises for a lumberjack.

A skinny little guy shows up at the camp the next day carrying an axe.

The head lumberjack takes one look at the puny little guy and tells him to get lost.

“Give me a chance to show you what I can do,” says the skinny guy.

“Okay, see that giant redwood over there?” says the head lumberjack. “Take your axe and cut it down.”

The guy heads for the tree, and in five minutes he’s knocking on the lumberjack’s door.

“I cut the tree down,” says the guy.

The lumberjack can’t believe his eyes and says, “Where did you learn to chop down trees like that?”

“In the Sahara Forest,” says the puny man.

“You mean the Sahara Desert,” says the lumberjack.

“Sure…That’s what they call it now!”
 
Small Grandchild: Grandpa, how old are you?

Grandfather: I’m so old that I knew the Dead Sea when it was just sick.
 
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Three men die and go to Heaven.

St Peter is at the gate with his large ledger…he checks their names off, one by one.
He lets them through the gate and tells them that there are a lot of ducks in heaven…and the only rule is that they must not stand on a duck…he said if they did then the consequences would be severe.

After two weeks one of the chaps stands on a duck.
Within minutes St Peter was seen striding towards him…followed by the ugliest woman the man had ever seen.
St Peter tells the man that his punishment for this crime was to be attached to this ugly woman for all eternity.

Another couple of weeks go by and the second man steps on a duck.
St Peter turns up followed by an even uglier woman…he tells the man that he is to be saddled with the ugly woman for all eternity.

The third man was feeling very superior…more so when St Peter headed in his direction, this time followed by a beautiful woman, long blonde hair, stacked just right and attached this woman to the man.

He could not believe his luck.

He turned to the woman and said to her ‘Well, I don’t know what I have done to deserve this’

The woman looked him up and down and said ‘I do…I stood on a duck!’
 
AGGIE PATENT APPLICATION #987654:

Parachute that automatically opens on impact.
 
The Blonde GUY joke .

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, ‘Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I’m going to jump off this building.’

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, ‘Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I’m going to jump off, too.’

The blonde opened his lunch and said, ‘Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I’m jumping too.’

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman’s wife was weeping. She said, ‘If I’d known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!’

The Mexican’s wife also wept and said, ‘I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn’t realize he hated burritos so much.’

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde’s wife.

The blonde’s wife said, 'Don’t look at me. He makes his own lunch.’
 
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