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GEddie
Guest
TEXAS AGGIE PATENT APPLICATION #876543:
Ejection seat for a submarine.
Ejection seat for a submarine.
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Dug
Guest
I remember this was this app called ijokes which had great jokes like this one.
G
GEddie
Guest
TEXAS AGGIE PATENT APPLICATION # 765432
Solar-powered flashlight.
Solar-powered flashlight.
Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers.
One evening, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the 95th birthday gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who had moved to Florida.
The first said “you know I had a big house built for mother." The second said “and I had a large theatre built in the house.” The third said “and I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her.”
The fourth said “you know how mum loved reading the Bible and you know she can’t read anymore because she can’t see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot who could recite the entire Bible. It took ten preachers almost 8 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $50,000 a year for five years to the church, but it was worth it. Mother only has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it.” The other brothers were impressed.
After the celebration their mother sent out her “Thank You” notes.
She wrote: “Milton, the house you built is so huge that I live in only one room, but I still have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."
“Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay at home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good though. Thanks.”
“Michael, you gave me an expensive theatre with Dolby sound and it can hold 50 people but all of my friends are dead. I’ve lost my hearing, and I’m nearly blind. I’ll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same.”
“Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give
a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you so much.”
Love Mother
One evening, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the 95th birthday gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who had moved to Florida.
The first said “you know I had a big house built for mother." The second said “and I had a large theatre built in the house.” The third said “and I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her.”
The fourth said “you know how mum loved reading the Bible and you know she can’t read anymore because she can’t see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot who could recite the entire Bible. It took ten preachers almost 8 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $50,000 a year for five years to the church, but it was worth it. Mother only has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it.” The other brothers were impressed.
After the celebration their mother sent out her “Thank You” notes.
She wrote: “Milton, the house you built is so huge that I live in only one room, but I still have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."
“Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay at home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good though. Thanks.”
“Michael, you gave me an expensive theatre with Dolby sound and it can hold 50 people but all of my friends are dead. I’ve lost my hearing, and I’m nearly blind. I’ll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same.”
“Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give
a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you so much.”
Love Mother
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GEddie
Guest
How is an East Texas divorce like a tornado?
In either event, somebody’s going to lose a trailer.
In either event, somebody’s going to lose a trailer.
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AL_1323
Guest
Teacher: “Kids, what does the chicken give you?”
Student: “Meat!”
Teacher: “Very good! Now what does the pig give you?”
Student: “Bacon!”
Teacher: “Great! And what does the fat cow give you?”
Student: “Homework!”
Student: “Meat!”
Teacher: “Very good! Now what does the pig give you?”
Student: “Bacon!”
Teacher: “Great! And what does the fat cow give you?”
Student: “Homework!”
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AL_1323
Guest
A child asked his father, “How were people born?” So his father said, “Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on.” The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, “We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now.” The child ran back to his father and said, “You lied to me!” His father replied, “No, your mom was talking about her side of the family.”
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AL_1323
Guest
My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.
Q: Is Google male or female?
A: Female, because it doesn’t let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.
Kid 1: “Hey, I bet you’re still a virgin.”
Kid 2: “Yeah, I was a virgin until last night .”
Kid 1: “As if.”
Kid 2: “Yeah, just ask your sister.”
Kid 1: “I don’t have a sister.”
Kid 2: “You will in about nine months.”
Q: Is Google male or female?
A: Female, because it doesn’t let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.
Kid 1: “Hey, I bet you’re still a virgin.”
Kid 2: “Yeah, I was a virgin until last night .”
Kid 1: “As if.”
Kid 2: “Yeah, just ask your sister.”
Kid 1: “I don’t have a sister.”
Kid 2: “You will in about nine months.”
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njlisa
Guest
I tried to eat a clock the other day.
It was really time consuming. – Siri
It was really time consuming. – Siri
I`ve just had some bad news .
After several trips to the docs and many tests I`ve just found out the wife is allergic to dogs.
I know this isn`t a rehoming site but I thought I’d give it a try first .
Anyway, her name is Susan, a pretty good cook and her favourite hobby is cleaning the house, she`s pretty good at ironing too.
Open to offers.
After several trips to the docs and many tests I`ve just found out the wife is allergic to dogs.
I know this isn`t a rehoming site but I thought I’d give it a try first .
Anyway, her name is Susan, a pretty good cook and her favourite hobby is cleaning the house, she`s pretty good at ironing too.
Open to offers.
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upant
Guest
Why did the Star Wars movies come out 4-5-6, 1-2-3?
In charge of scheduling, I was.
Mechanic: “When were your tires last rotated?”
Me: “On the way here, silly.”
may be offensive to some
Interviewer: Do you have any question about the job that you are applying for?
Applicant: How much is the salary?
Interviewer: Initially $40,000. Later it could go up to $80,000
Applicant: I will start later then.
“Why is there music coming out of your printer?”
“That will be the paper jamming again!”
In charge of scheduling, I was.
Mechanic: “When were your tires last rotated?”
Me: “On the way here, silly.”
may be offensive to some
In china, they invented a machine that can capture thieves
They tested out the machine in china for a week and they caught 2 thieves. The following week the russians decided to test this machine in Moscow, they caught 10 thieves. Seeing the machine’s success, the Mexican government wanted to try this in the City of Mexico, they caught 400 thieves. Then the Americans caught interest and decided to test the machine in Detroit… They stole the machine
They tested out the machine in china for a week and they caught 2 thieves. The following week the russians decided to test this machine in Moscow, they caught 10 thieves. Seeing the machine’s success, the Mexican government wanted to try this in the City of Mexico, they caught 400 thieves. Then the Americans caught interest and decided to test the machine in Detroit… They stole the machine
Interviewer: Do you have any question about the job that you are applying for?
Applicant: How much is the salary?
Interviewer: Initially $40,000. Later it could go up to $80,000
Applicant: I will start later then.
“Why is there music coming out of your printer?”
“That will be the paper jamming again!”
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GEddie
Guest
Q: Why are all the Barbies $9.99, but Divorce Barbie is $89.99?
A: Divorce Barbie comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s RV, Ken’s boat, and…
A: Divorce Barbie comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s RV, Ken’s boat, and…
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Tommy999
Guest
Automation never fails, never fails, never fails, never fails, never fails, never fails, never fails, never fails…
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njlisa
Guest
Why did the scarecrow get promoted?
Because it was outstanding in its field. – Siri
Because it was outstanding in its field. – Siri
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AL_1323
Guest
Teacher: “If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven.”
Teacher: “No, listen carefully… If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven.”
Teacher: “Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Six.”
Teacher: “Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven!”
Teacher: “Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!”
Johnny: “Because I’ve already got a freaking cat!”
Johnny: “Seven.”
Teacher: “No, listen carefully… If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven.”
Teacher: “Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Six.”
Teacher: “Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven!”
Teacher: “Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!”
Johnny: “Because I’ve already got a freaking cat!”
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AL_1323
Guest
Mr. and Mrs. Brown had two sons. One was named Mind Your Own Business & the other was named Trouble. One day the two boys decided to play hide and seek. Trouble hid while Mind Your Own Business counted to one hundred. Mind Your Own Business began looking for his brother behind garbage cans and bushes. Then he started looking in and under cars until a police man approached him and asked, “What are you doing?” “Playing a game,” the boy replied. “What is your name?” the officer questioned. “Mind Your Own Business.” Furious the policeman inquired, “Are you looking for trouble?!” The boy replied, “Why, yes.”
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AL_1323
Guest
A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, “I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram.” She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word “comfortable.” Skeptical, the operator asks, “How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?” The redhead replies, "She’s a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, “And what starting salary are you looking for?” The engineer replies, “In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.” The interviewer inquires, “Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?” The engineer sits up straight and says, “Wow! Are you kidding?” The interviewer replies, “Yeah, but you started it.”
This text will be blurred
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, “And what starting salary are you looking for?” The engineer replies, “In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.” The interviewer inquires, “Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?” The engineer sits up straight and says, “Wow! Are you kidding?” The interviewer replies, “Yeah, but you started it.”
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G
GEddie
Guest
“Why are you standing out in the corn at night?” the woman asked her Texas Aggie farmer husband.
" I’m trying for the Nobel Prize," Aggie said.
“How are you going to get the Nobel Prize?”
“Somebody told me they give it to those who are out standing in their field.”
" I’m trying for the Nobel Prize," Aggie said.
“How are you going to get the Nobel Prize?”
“Somebody told me they give it to those who are out standing in their field.”
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njlisa
Guest
What’s the only thing that works after it’s been retired?
A car! – Siri
A car! – Siri
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