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A woman ran a red traffic light and crashed into a man’s car. Both of their cars are demolished but amazingly neither of them was hurt.
After they crawled out of their cars, the woman said; “Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.”
The man replied,” I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!”
The woman continued, “And look at this, here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but my bottle of wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.” Then she hands the bottle to the man.
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, “Aren’t you having any?”
She replies, “Nah. I think I’ll just wait for the police
After they crawled out of their cars, the woman said; “Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.”
The man replied,” I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!”
The woman continued, “And look at this, here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but my bottle of wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.” Then she hands the bottle to the man.
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, “Aren’t you having any?”
She replies, “Nah. I think I’ll just wait for the police
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RuthAnne
Guest
A commercial airline was traveling when an engine went out. The flight captain made an announcement to everyone that an engine was out but no cause for alarm. It still had three good engines. The flight would just be about a half hour late.
A short time passes and the pilot announced that a second engine had gone out. He assured everyone that they were safe and that the plane could operate fine with two engines but the flight would be an hour late.
A short time passes and the captain makes another announcement. He assures everyone that the plane can operate safely with one engine but they would have to travel very slowly and the plane would arrive at the destination about two hours late.
One of the passengers looks at the guy in the seat next to him and says, “I sure hope the fourth engine doesn’t go out or we’re going to be up here all day.”
A short time passes and the pilot announced that a second engine had gone out. He assured everyone that they were safe and that the plane could operate fine with two engines but the flight would be an hour late.
A short time passes and the captain makes another announcement. He assures everyone that the plane can operate safely with one engine but they would have to travel very slowly and the plane would arrive at the destination about two hours late.
One of the passengers looks at the guy in the seat next to him and says, “I sure hope the fourth engine doesn’t go out or we’re going to be up here all day.”
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tuscany
Guest
Yesterday, my husband thought he saw a
disgusting cockroach in the kitchen. He sprayed
everything down and cleaned every inch thoroughly.
Today I am putting the cockroach
in the bathroom…
disgusting cockroach in the kitchen. He sprayed
everything down and cleaned every inch thoroughly.
Today I am putting the cockroach
in the bathroom…
An older couple had just learned how to send text messages on their cell phones.
The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.
One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee. She decided to send her husband a romantic text message:
"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.
The husband texted back to her:
“I’m on the toilet. Please advise.”
The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.
One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee. She decided to send her husband a romantic text message:
"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.
The husband texted back to her:
“I’m on the toilet. Please advise.”
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Tommy999
Guest
Real Story that happened at work a while back with a nice lady who had a reputation for being a little bit “dingy”, so to speak.
Tommy: “Did you have a nice weekend?”
Anne: “Yes, I bought some new tires for my car”.
Tommy: “What brand of tire did you get, out of curiosity?”
Anne (with a confused look on her face): “Well, Uh, brand new”.
Tommy: “Did you have a nice weekend?”
Anne: “Yes, I bought some new tires for my car”.
Tommy: “What brand of tire did you get, out of curiosity?”
Anne (with a confused look on her face): “Well, Uh, brand new”.
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RuthAnne
Guest
(Please Note: This uploaded content is no longer available.)
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mary15
Guest
So my coronavirus dentist only has curbside service
I went to the curb, put a coin in the meter, and took my chair…
The dentist appeared and so I asked him, “do i need to remove my mask?”
He said, " No. I dont like your face."
I went to the curb, put a coin in the meter, and took my chair…
The dentist appeared and so I asked him, “do i need to remove my mask?”
He said, " No. I dont like your face."
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LeonardoArruda
Guest
A man walks by an wall and hears “71! 71! 71!”, he ignores it and in the next day he hears it again, “71! 71! 71!”, that becomes a routine, everyday on his way to work he hears people screaming 71 behind that wall, he got tired of it and bought a ladder to see what was going on, when he got to the top of the tall wall someone hits him in the head and he falls, then the people start to scream “72! 72! 72!”.
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GEddie
Guest
A group of Texas Aggies go into a bar whooping it up and yelling “23! 23! 23!!!”
The barkeep asked the lead Aggie what that number meant.
“Well, there’s this jigsaw puzzle labelled, ‘3 to 5 years,’ and we just solved it in 23 days!!!”
The barkeep asked the lead Aggie what that number meant.
“Well, there’s this jigsaw puzzle labelled, ‘3 to 5 years,’ and we just solved it in 23 days!!!”
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upant
Guest
“Son, you’re just not cut out to be a mime”
“Why dad, is it something I said?”
“…Yes”
The last four letters of ‘queue’ are not silent
They’re just waiting their turn.
Why do archaeologists get all the girls?
Because they have the best dating techniques.
The shovel was such a great invention.
It was truly groundbreaking.
What did digital clock say to Grandfather clock?
“Look Grandpa, no hands!”
“Why dad, is it something I said?”
“…Yes”
The last four letters of ‘queue’ are not silent
They’re just waiting their turn.
Why do archaeologists get all the girls?
Because they have the best dating techniques.
The shovel was such a great invention.
It was truly groundbreaking.
What did digital clock say to Grandfather clock?
“Look Grandpa, no hands!”
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Tommy999
Guest
“My wife and I had words, but I didn’t get to use any of mine”.
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
‘Careful,’ he said, ‘CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the Salt! USE THE SALT! THE SALT!’
The wife stared at him. ‘What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?’
The husband calmly replied, ‘I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.’
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
‘Careful,’ he said, ‘CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the Salt! USE THE SALT! THE SALT!’
The wife stared at him. ‘What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?’
The husband calmly replied, ‘I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.’
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jvickers
Guest
This is great! Unfortunately, I am out of likes for 29 more minutes.
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LeonardoArruda
Guest
A boy walks towards the ice cream man and asks:
“do you have pea-flavored ice cream?”
“No”
“oh ok”
In the next day the boy comes up and asks:
“Do you have pea-flavored ice cream now?”
“No”
Every day for 3 weeks the boy comes up asking for pea flavored ice cream , the ice cream man gets mad and buys a bunch of peas to make the ice cream, in the next day the kid comes up and asks:
“do you have pea-flavored ice cream?”
“Yes i do, do you want some?”
“eeeeeeewwwww hell no that’s gross”.
“do you have pea-flavored ice cream?”
“No”
“oh ok”
In the next day the boy comes up and asks:
“Do you have pea-flavored ice cream now?”
“No”
Every day for 3 weeks the boy comes up asking for pea flavored ice cream , the ice cream man gets mad and buys a bunch of peas to make the ice cream, in the next day the kid comes up and asks:
“do you have pea-flavored ice cream?”
“Yes i do, do you want some?”
“eeeeeeewwwww hell no that’s gross”.
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Tommy999
Guest
I heard a comedian once say during a monologue:
“I just got back from a pleasure trip…I took my in-laws to the airport”.
“I just got back from a pleasure trip…I took my in-laws to the airport”.
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RuthAnne
Guest
Speaking of in-laws . . .
A guy gets in a horrible argument with his mother in law. He leaves the house in a rage and is walking along the beach and angrily kicks a bottle. Out pops a genie and tells him that he can have three wishes, but the only catch is that whatever he gets, his mother in law gets double.
The guy thinks a moment and says he wants a Bugatti La Voiture sports car. Poof one appears before his eyes and he’s delighted. Then he remembers that his mother in law just got two of them.
He thinks another moment and then asks for a beautiful mansion on a secluded Hawaiian beach. Poof he is standing in his front yard staring at the most incredible mansion on the most incredible beach he could imagine. Then he looks to his left and sees a mansion twice the size and he knows it’s for his mother in law. His joy turns to outrage.
Knowing that he has one more wish, he thinks really hard, then turns to the genie and says, “I wish someone would beat me half to death.”
A guy gets in a horrible argument with his mother in law. He leaves the house in a rage and is walking along the beach and angrily kicks a bottle. Out pops a genie and tells him that he can have three wishes, but the only catch is that whatever he gets, his mother in law gets double.
The guy thinks a moment and says he wants a Bugatti La Voiture sports car. Poof one appears before his eyes and he’s delighted. Then he remembers that his mother in law just got two of them.
He thinks another moment and then asks for a beautiful mansion on a secluded Hawaiian beach. Poof he is standing in his front yard staring at the most incredible mansion on the most incredible beach he could imagine. Then he looks to his left and sees a mansion twice the size and he knows it’s for his mother in law. His joy turns to outrage.
Knowing that he has one more wish, he thinks really hard, then turns to the genie and says, “I wish someone would beat me half to death.”
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JanR
Guest
That joke reminds me of the time, when I was a kid, I was playing in a mud puddle with discarded plastic dishes my mother gave me.
The mud was black.
I saw my great-grand uncle, a lifelong bachelor, driving up into the open expanse outside of our fenced yard. As he got out of his car, I ran up to him with a bowl full of that thick black mud, and asked, “Hey, Uncle Paul, would you like some chocolate pudding?”
He cringed and ordered, “Get that away from me! That’s mud!”
Uncle Paul was rather cantankerous, and children embarrassed him with their antics. He wasn’t in the mood to play along, that day.
It was fun to see what kind of reaction I could get out of him.
The mud was black.
I saw my great-grand uncle, a lifelong bachelor, driving up into the open expanse outside of our fenced yard. As he got out of his car, I ran up to him with a bowl full of that thick black mud, and asked, “Hey, Uncle Paul, would you like some chocolate pudding?”
He cringed and ordered, “Get that away from me! That’s mud!”
Uncle Paul was rather cantankerous, and children embarrassed him with their antics. He wasn’t in the mood to play along, that day.
It was fun to see what kind of reaction I could get out of him.
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00juls00
Guest
My apologies if this has been posted already but I can’t possibly read all 990+ posts. lol
What do you call a nosy pepper?
Jalapeno business.
What do you call a nosy pepper?
Jalapeno business.
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