Jokes/Puns you would like to share

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A couple were Christmas shopping.

The shopping centre was packed , and as the wife walked through one of the malls she
was surprised when she looked around to find that her husband was nowhere to be seen.

She was quite upset because they had a lot to do and hence, she became so worried that she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.

In a quiet voice he said, “Do you remember the jewellers we went into about five years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn’t afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?”

The wife choked up and started to cry and said, “Yes, I do remember that shop.”

He replied, “Well, I’m in the pub next door.”
 
I went to the shop and bought 10 bees,
I came back with 11.

The other one was a freebee
  • Siri
 
Some of those later religious jokes are actually funny.
 
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Q: How do we know there are no women in Heaven?

A: Rev 8:1:

When the Lamb opened the seventh seal, there was silence in heaven for about half an hour
 
How do we know God has a sense of humor?

He created US, some of the silliest beings on earth.

He created the Aardvark – the most ridiculous looking mammal in the animal kingdom.

He created a large blooming flower that stinks so badly it attracts flies.

Yep, God was having some fun when he came up with those.
 
A husband went to the police station to file a “Missing person report” for his missing wife:

HUSBAND:- Iv’e lost my wife, she went shopping and hasn’t come back yet.

INSPECTOR:- What is her height?.

HUSBAND:- I never really checked.

INSPECTOR:- Slim or healthy?.

HUSBAND:- Slim, but not healthy.

INSPECTOR:- Colour of her eyes?.

HUSBAND:- Never took much notice.

INSPECTOR:- Colour of hair?.

HUSBAND:- Changes according to season.

INSPECTOR:- What was she wearing?,

HUSBAND:- Not sure whether it was a dress or suit.

INSPECTOR:- Was she driving?.

HUSBAND:-Yes.

INSPECTOR:- What is the number, name and colour of the car?..

HUSBAND:- Black Audi 8, with superchared 3.0 litre engine, generating 333 horse power, teamed with an eight speed tiptronic automatic transmission with manual mode. It has full LED headlights, which use light emitting diodes for all light functions, and has a very thin light scratch on the left door… He then started to cry.

INSPECTOR:- Don’t worry sir,…we will find your car.
 
Country music is all about hurt, loss, and heartbreak.

And then there are the sad songs!
 
A burglar stole all my lamps.
I should be upset, but I’m delighted. – Siri
 
In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where a family member lay gravely ill.

Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and sombre.

‘I’m afraid I’m the bearer of bad news,’ he said as he surveyed the worried faces.

'The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It’s an experimental procedure, very risky, but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain".

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news…

After a time, someone asked, ‘How much will a brain cost?’

The doctor quickly responded, ‘$5,000 for a male brain; $200 for a female brain.’

The moment turned awkward. Some of the men actually had to try to not smile, avoiding eye contact with the women.

A man, unable to control his curiosity, finally blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, ‘Why is the male brain so much more than a female brain?’

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, ‘It’s just standard pricing procedure. We have to price the female brains a lot lower because they’ve been used.’
 
I just saw my math teacher lock himself in his office with a piece of graph paper.

I think he must be plotting something.
Me- Alexa check my bank balance and tell me which apple product can I buy?

Alexa- apple juice
I quit my new job as a mailman when they handed me my first letter to deliver.

I looked at it and thought, “This isn’t for me.”
a woman tells her husband

Honey, one of your shoes is black, and the other is brown!"

He said

, “Yes, I noticed it myself. I went to change but when I looked in the closet, the only other pair I had was also one black and one brown”
 
If a man makes a statement and no woman hears it is he still wrong?
 
At my age, getting lucky is when I walk into a room and remember why I went there.
 
An arrogant farmer from Texas visits his brother, a farmer living in Idaho. He’s constantly bragging about how everything is Texas is so much bigger and better. While showing him around his 1000 acre Idaho farm, the arrogant brother says, “You outta see my farm. I get in my truck and drive for three hours just to get all the way around it.” The brother, having enough said, “I’m sorry. I used to have a truck like that, too.”
 
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