Jokes/Puns you would like to share

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Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:

" Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to flight 293 nonstop from London to Montreal. The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. So sit back, relax, and…Oh…OH GOSH!!"

Silence followed.

Some moments later, the captain came back on the intercom.

" Ladies and Gentlemen, i’m sorry if i scared you. While i was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled some coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

Fom the back of the plane, a passenger yelled…

" For the luvva Mike…you should see the back of mine!"
 
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A pirate ship was going into action as the Captain was coaching his new first mate.

The lookout on the masthead yelled, “Navy ship five miles!”

“Cabin boy, get me my red coat,” the Captain yelled.

To the mate, he explained, “That way, if I am wounded, the men won’t see the blood and won’t lose heart.”

Lookout: "Two miles, and there are five ships! "

Captain: “Cabin boy! My brown pants!”
 
Reminds me of one us boomers would appreciate . . .

In the want ads of the newspaper:

Set of encyclopedias, like new, half price. I don’t need them because my wife knows everything.
 
This morning an old Aussie bloke was in luck and was able to buy two cartons of Victoria Bitter beer cheap at the local supermarket.

He placed the boxes on the front seat and headed back home. He stopped at a service station for fuel where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde was filling up her car at the next pump.

She glanced at the two cartons of beer, bent over and leaned in my passenger window, and said in a sexy voice:

“I’m a big believer in barter, old fella. Would you be interested in trading a bit of fun for beer?”

He thought for a few seconds and then asked:

“What kind of beer 'ya got?”
 
I’m not buying my kids an encyclopedia. They can walk to school the way I did.

YOGI BERRA
 
A man is stranded on a desert island for years. One day, this gorgeous woman in a wet suit comes out of the water. She says she’s there to rescue him and a ship is on its way. She asks in the meantime if there’s anything he wants. He says it’s been years since he had a smoke but knew she wouldn’t be able to help with that, but lo and behold, she zips her wetsuit down a few inches and draws a cigarette and lighter out of her wetsuit. He takes a few drags and is totally enjoying it when she asks in a sexy voice if there’s anything else he has missed. He knows she wouldn’t have it but says he would do anything for a shot of whiskey. She zips her wetsuit down a little further and pulls out a flask of whiskey. He is thrilled as he enjoys it. She looks him in the eyes and says, “Is there ANYTHING else you would like? Would you like to play around?” He looks astonished and says, “No way! You’ve got a set of golf clubs in there, too?”
 
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If you don’t go to people’s funerals, they won’t go to yours.

YOGI BERRA
 
I love Yogi quotes. Once, he reportedly was giving directions to his house to a friend, and said, “When you get to the fork in the road, take it”.
 
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A group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments at the coffee shop

“My arms have got so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee,” said one

“Yes, I know,” said another. “My cataracts are so bad; I can’t even see my coffee.”

“I couldn’t even mark an “X” at election time because my hands are so crippled,” volunteered a third.

"What? Speak up! What? I can’t hear you” said one elderly lady

“I can’t turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck,” said one, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.

“My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!” exclaimed another

“I forget where I am, and where I’m going,” said another

"I guess that’s the price we pay for getting old” winced an old man as he slowly shook his head

The others nodded in agreement

“Well, count your Blessings,” said a woman cheerfully. “Thank God we can all still drive.”
 
Don’t argue with people on social media.
Every classroom had a kid that ate paste.
That’s probably who you’re arguing with…
 
A Brit arrived at Australian customs.

One of the questions the custom’s guy asked him was, “Do you have a criminal record?”

The Brit replied, “Oh, I didn’t realize it was still compulsory”.
 
So a duck walks into a bar and says, “hey can I get a beer?”. The bartender says, what do you know, a talking duck"

Duck: look man I’ve been doing construction all day and I really just want a beer

Bartender: you should join the circus, you’d make a killing

Duck: what is the circus gonna do with a bricklayer?

NSFW

shame on you, this is a catholic forum

eBay is so broken

I tried to search for lighters and all they had was 18,069 matches

I told my wife our phones were spying on us.

“Nonsense,” she said. I laughed. She laughed. Siri laughed. Alexa laughed.

I recently quit my job as a butler at a stately home.

I refuse to be ordered around in that manor.
 
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