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GEddie
Guest
I’m not a fatalist; I don’t collect postage stamps.
YOGI BERRA
YOGI BERRA
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Tommy999
Guest
“I quit my job at the bakery. I didn’t like the dough, and I thought I’d go on the loaf”.
- Curly Howard of the Three Stooges.
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JanR
Guest
Hmmm. I really don’t think Yogi Berra’s quotes are that clever.
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Reverent_Howler
Guest
Moe: Why can’t a chicken lay a loaf of bread?
Curly: She ain’t got the crust!
Curly: She ain’t got the crust!
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tuscany
Guest
I’m giving up eating chocolate for a month.
Sorry, bad punctuation.
I’m giving up. Eating chocolate for a month.
Sorry, bad punctuation.
I’m giving up. Eating chocolate for a month.
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GEddie
Guest
Why did the turkey cross the road?
To prove he wasn’t chicken!
To prove he wasn’t chicken!
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PaulinVA
Guest
About a restaurant: “No one goes there anymore. It’s too crowded”
Yogi Berra
For @JanR R
Yogi Berra
For @JanR R
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JanR
Guest
Good restaurants were often crowded. If a restaurant wasn’t, there was reason to wonder why (pre-COVID, of course.)
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RuthAnne
Guest
Ninety percent of the game is half mental ~ Yogi Berra
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RuthAnne
Guest
A man received message from his neighbor.
“Sorry sir I am using your wife. I am using day and night. I am using when u r not present at home. In fact I am using more than U R using. I confess this because now I feel very much guilt. Hope U will accept my sincere apologies.”
Man went home and had a big fight with his wife.
Few minutes later he received another message.
“Sorry Sir spelling/auto correct mistake … it’s not wife but wifi.”
“Sorry sir I am using your wife. I am using day and night. I am using when u r not present at home. In fact I am using more than U R using. I confess this because now I feel very much guilt. Hope U will accept my sincere apologies.”
Man went home and had a big fight with his wife.
Few minutes later he received another message.
“Sorry Sir spelling/auto correct mistake … it’s not wife but wifi.”
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RuthAnne
Guest
A guy goes to a bar every Friday night for years and each time he orders 4 beers. The owner of the bar finally just had to ask him why he always orders 4 beers. To which the man replied, “I was a marine and my three best friends in this world served in the marines with me. On the day we were all discharged, we decided that in honor of our friendship, we would each have four beers every Friday night to remember those good old days.”
A few Fridays pass and the guy shows up as usual but only orders 3 beers. The owner, feeling concerned for the man approached him and said, “Oh I’m so sorry. Did one of your friends pass away?” To which the man replied, “No, everything is fine. Last week I became a Baptist.”
A few Fridays pass and the guy shows up as usual but only orders 3 beers. The owner, feeling concerned for the man approached him and said, “Oh I’m so sorry. Did one of your friends pass away?” To which the man replied, “No, everything is fine. Last week I became a Baptist.”
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RuthAnne
Guest
Yeah, so I hear, but they’re not supposed to.
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RuthAnne
Guest
I live in the South and I know that according to my Southern Baptist friends, they don’t.
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Tommy999
Guest
Right. I am Methodist and there is not the taboo associated with responsible drinking among most Methodists as there seems to be with my Baptist friends and acquaintances.
I once heard:
“Baptists don’t recognize the Pope as the leader of Christianity, and they don’t recognize each other at the liquor store, either”.
I once heard:
“Baptists don’t recognize the Pope as the leader of Christianity, and they don’t recognize each other at the liquor store, either”.
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GEddie
Guest
A man shows up at Laredo bridge coming back from Mexico.
The customs agent asks what he is bringing back with him.
“Just some flasks of holy water – I’ve been to Guadalupe,” the driver said.
Customs man opens flask and takes a whiff …
“This is tequila!!!” he yells.
“Praise God! A miracle!!!” said the driver.
The customs agent asks what he is bringing back with him.
“Just some flasks of holy water – I’ve been to Guadalupe,” the driver said.
Customs man opens flask and takes a whiff …
“This is tequila!!!” he yells.
“Praise God! A miracle!!!” said the driver.
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Beryllos
Guest
Nah. My snoring puts their minds at ease.Old is when you’re napping but everyone’s worried you’re dead…
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RuthAnne
Guest
A boy comes home from Sunday School to his atheist father who asks how Sunday School was.
The boy replied, “Praise the Lord, praise the Lord! God led Moses’s people into the desert to the shores of the Red Sea where they were trapped. Pharoah’s army came upon them to kill them, but Moses raised his staff and parted the waters. They crossed the Red Sea safely to the other side, and when Pharoah’s army tried to catch up with them, the waters flowed back into place and the soldiers were all drowned.”
The father said, “Son, did you know that the Red Sea was only about 4 inches deep at the place where that supposedly took place?”
The son’s eyes went wide open and he said, “Praise the Lord, praise the Lord! God drowned Pharoah’s army in 4 inches of water.”
The boy replied, “Praise the Lord, praise the Lord! God led Moses’s people into the desert to the shores of the Red Sea where they were trapped. Pharoah’s army came upon them to kill them, but Moses raised his staff and parted the waters. They crossed the Red Sea safely to the other side, and when Pharoah’s army tried to catch up with them, the waters flowed back into place and the soldiers were all drowned.”
The father said, “Son, did you know that the Red Sea was only about 4 inches deep at the place where that supposedly took place?”
The son’s eyes went wide open and he said, “Praise the Lord, praise the Lord! God drowned Pharoah’s army in 4 inches of water.”
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tuscany
Guest
Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?
DONALD TRUMP: I’ve been told by my many sources, good sources - they’re very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it’s a really good road. It’s a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.
JOE BIDEN: Why did the chicken do the…the…the…road thing in the…the…you know the rest man.
SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he’s a maverick!
BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs. Period.
AOC: Chickens should not be forced to lay eggs! This is because of corporate greed! Eggs should be able to lay themselves.
HILLARY CLINTON: What difference at this point does it make why the chicken crossed the road.
GEORGE W. BUSH: We don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or against us. There is no middle ground here.
DICK CHENEY: Where’s my gun?
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.
AL GORE: I invented the chicken.
JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken’s intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white?
DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won’t realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he is acting by not taking on his current problems before adding any new problems.
ANDERSON COOPER: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he’s guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I’ve not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.
GRANDPA: In my day we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?
DONALD TRUMP: I’ve been told by my many sources, good sources - they’re very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it’s a really good road. It’s a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.
JOE BIDEN: Why did the chicken do the…the…the…road thing in the…the…you know the rest man.
SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he’s a maverick!
BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs. Period.
AOC: Chickens should not be forced to lay eggs! This is because of corporate greed! Eggs should be able to lay themselves.
HILLARY CLINTON: What difference at this point does it make why the chicken crossed the road.
GEORGE W. BUSH: We don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or against us. There is no middle ground here.
DICK CHENEY: Where’s my gun?
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.
AL GORE: I invented the chicken.
JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken’s intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white?
DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won’t realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he is acting by not taking on his current problems before adding any new problems.
ANDERSON COOPER: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he’s guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I’ve not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.
GRANDPA: In my day we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?
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