Jokes/Puns you would like to share

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GREAT-GRANDPA: In my day, young whippersnappers, chickens crossed roads in the snow! Uphill! Both ways!
 
At the Scottish wedding reception the D.J. yelled…

“Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living.”

The bartender was almost crushed to death.
 
Someone just told this during my company’s daily standup:

A man was bored with the pandemic lock down and feeling down. He went to the used book store looking for a self help book or something to help.

He bought a book named How to Hug.

When he got it home, he realized it was volume 12 of the encyclopedia.
 
HEISENBERG: The location of the chicken relative to the road can never be known with certainty.

SCHRÖDINGER: The chicken is on neither side of the road unless observed.
 
DONALD J. TRUMP: I’m going to build a beautiful wall to keep thecchickens on THEIR side of the road!

And it will be paid through egg sales!
 
On a transatlantic flight a plane passes through a severe storm.

The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.

One woman loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. “I’m too young to die” she wails.

Then she yells, “Well, if I’m going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on the plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?”

The passengers stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in front of the plane.

Then an Italian man stands up in the rear of the plane. He is handsome, tall, well-built, with dark brown hair and blue eyes.

He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt, one button at a time. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his body. The woman gasps. He throws his shirt at her and says,

“Here, iron this, and get me something to eat.”
 
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Q: How many men does it take to scrub a toilet?

A: None. That’s a woman’s job.

(Compliments of RuthAnne’s hubby)
 
We come from dust,
and to dust we shall return.
That is why I don’t dust,
it could be someone I know…
 
I went to the zoo and saw a piece toast in a cage. It was bread in captivity. – Siri.
 
WW II

Group of Americans are stationed in China. They hire a Chinese guy to wash their clothes, run errands, etc. Soon they start calling the guy “Sneeze”. At first, he shrugs it off but then he gets more and more annoyed. He cannot get the men to stop, so he finally goes to the company commander and complains. The captain agrees that was not acceptable and says that he will order the men to stop. The captain then ask what the guy’s name is.

“Ah Choo,” came the reply.
 
Why did Jesus, in today’s Gospel reading (Matthew 15:21-28), refer to the woman and her people as dogs?

Because she was a Canine-ite woman.
 
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