Jokes/Puns you would like to share

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Okay, some Old Testament humor… what was Boaz like before he was married? He was Ruth-less. 🙂
 
Why was Noah the best businessman in the Bible?

He floated his stock while everybody else was being liquidated.
 
I won the lottery for a million dollars today so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity.
I now have $999,999.75
I stood in my garden early yesterday morning wondering where the sun had gone.
Then it dawned on me.
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool.
I gave him a glass of water.
An employee was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
“Listen,” said the CEO, “this is a very sensitive and important document here and my Secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?"

“Certainly,” said the employee. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper and pressed the start button. “Excellent, excellent!” said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. “I just need one copy.”
 
Here’s a riddle:

A man tipped his hat and drew his cane.

Who is the man’s name in this riddle?

ANDREW
 
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A poor beggar’s brother died, but the man who died had no brother.

How can this be?

The beggar was a woman.
 
The lights in my house just went out, so I have to call an electrician…
I am unable to deal with the current situation…
The police came around last night and told me my dogs were chasing people on bikes
My dogs don’t even have bikes
Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road. I asked him,
“What’s the word on the street?”
Two hats are hanging on a hat rack.
One says to the other, “You stay here; I’ll go on a head.”
Why do scuba divers fall backward to enter the ocean?
If they fell forward they would just fall into the boat.
 
Those two-liners remind me of an old Groucho Marx joke where he said he was on safari and shot an elephant in his pajamas. What the elephant was doing in his pajamas, he didn’t know.

I still think that’s funny.
 
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And, if I can remember Groucho Marx, I really am dated (though not by him!) LOL!
 
Okay, sorry if you have heard these before but…

–Jesus was standing over the woman caught in adultery and challenged the crowd that “He who is without sin, cast the first stone.” Suddenly, a rock hits the back of his head. Jesus turns and exclaims, “Mom!”​

–A Jesuit, a Dominican, and a Franciscan were walking along an old road, debating the greatness of their orders. Suddenly, an apparition of the Holy Family appeared in front of them, with Jesus in a manger and Mary and Joseph praying over him. The Franciscan fell on his face, overcome with awe at the sight of God born in such poverty. The Dominican fell to his knees, adoring the beautiful reflection of the Trinity and the Holy Family. The Jesuit walked up to Joseph, put his arm around his shoulder, and said, “So, have you thought about where to send him to school?”​

–A priest was driving and gets stopped for speeding.​

The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.​

He says, “Father, have you been drinking?”​

“Just water,” says the priest, fingers crossed.​

The trooper says, “Then why do I smell wine?” The priest looks at the bottle and says, “Praise be to God! He’s done it again!”​

 
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A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
 
A man died and was sent to Hell. When he arrived, the Devil showed him three doors, and told him to choose which door to enter. Once he entered, he would be there for eternity.

Behind the first door, he heard growling and snarling, and snapping of teeth.

“Oh, I don’t want to go into that room,” he told the Devil, who led him to the second door.

Behind that door, he heard shrieking and crying and the snapping of whips.

“Not that one, either!” the main exclaimed.

When led to the third door, all he heard were soft and soothing voices. And while he couldn’t make out what was being said, it didn’t sound the least bit dramatic or threatening.

“Gee,” he said, “that can’t be too bad. I’ll enter this one.”

When he entered through the third door, he found a vast sea of people immersed up to their necks in liquid excrement – all very quietly muttering, “Don’t make waves. Don’t make waves …”
 
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Why does Waldo only wear stripes?
Because he doesn’t want to be spotted.
Veganism is like Communism…
They are both fine, unless you like food.
There are two rules of success
  1. Never reveal everything you know.
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother who was an evil scientist.
His name was Frank Einstein
Two conspiracy theorists arrive in heaven

God says to them, “I will tell you anything you want to know”

One of the conspiracy theorists asks, “who shot JFK?”

God responds, “it was Lee Harvey Oswald, acting alone”

The conspiracy theorists turn to each other, “this is bigger than we thought”
 
I’m thinking of starting a social media
network for chickens.

But not as a full-time job, just as a way
to make hens meet. – Siri
 
Pharaoh’s daughter went to the bank and pulled out a prophet.
 
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The child of a military family was on their first day in a new school.

The other children at once began to heckle him: “Your mom wears army boots!” they crowed.

His answer: “Sure she does, doesn’t everybody’s???”
 
Who can drink two liters of Gas?
jerry can.
What’s a pirates least favorite letter?

Dear sir,
Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage.
Sincerely, your service provider.
Bernie said he’s going to legalize marijuana on his first day in the White-house
On his second day he’ll legalize it everywhere else.
I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes…
She hugged me
 
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