Married daughter not using NFP!

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Going against the grain here but I don’t think staying out of it is the Christian attitude. for one, we should admonish the sinner and 2, she is harming herself physically!!!

Now, for the first part, if she was brought up with a good grasp of the Christian faith and teachings I woukd certainly enquire what led her to this decision, knowing that it is against her faith. If, on the other hand, you never actually discussed or passed on any teachong on sexuality to her, than she is not as much at fault and “admonishing the sinner” may not be applicable.

Now, the 2nd part, and it may be easiest to start with this. I would just tell my daughter " honey, I can’t help but worry about your health and potential future reproductive issues since you started taking the pill" and then proceed with offering help and encouragement in ever other alternative, be it LadyComp, info on Nfp methods, and not least of all the beauty and joy of collaborating with God’s plans for us and the blessing of children.

Again, staying out of it helps with absolutely nothing and avoiding doing good out of fear that it can go wrong is not what we are taught. If it were a co-worker, msybe, even though I’ve had great results from speaking about the consequences of ABC whith cab drivers!- but my own kin, you bet I will try EVERYTHING that could possibly help before “letting it be”.

You know your daughter and I’m sure you’re sensible enough of a person to take the right approach when it comes to helping her do what’s best for herself!

BUT, absolutely do pray, fervently!! Just don’t forget, God may want to answer the prayers through you, not some “abracadabra” magic trick that will just make her change her mind over night.
 
If my daughter confided to me that she was on the pill, I would feel that expressing my concern both for the safety of the pill medically speaking and for the safety of her soul would be warranted. ONE TIME. Then I would keep my nose out of it, as much as it would break my heart and cause me worry.

I would also lay heavily on the medical risks, which are many, and not so much on the spiritual ones. Because I am sure she would be expecting the spiritual stuff and not interested in listening to it.
 
ryecroft said:
I get the feeling the poster’s goal is not to alienate her daughter completely - you seem to be extremely aware that she would be doing this if she took your course of action. I know if I was in her daughter’s situation and my mom did what you’re saying (although my mom would NEVER EVER pull something as underhanded and dispicable as this), then she would hear from me - loud and clear -then she likely wouldn’t talk to or see me about anything or any holiday for a very, very long time - at least until she apologized for forcing herself into a place she had no business being.
God Bless
Rye
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I am quite sure that we think alike, but maybe it would not be a bad idea for the mother to ask the daughter to consider how the husband would feel about it. The husband might play along saying that he is fine with the pill but is it really true deep down? We can understand how not been open to conception might affect the marital relationship because it is really a denial of the spouse and they really just use each other. It would be a very sensitive conversation but it would make the daughter to think more at what a real marital relationship is about.
 
kristacecilia said:
If my daughter confided to me that she was on the pill, I would feel that expressing my concern both for the safety of the pill medically speaking and for the safety of her soul would be warranted. ONE TIME. Then I would keep my nose out of it, as much as it would break my heart and cause me worry.

I would also lay heavily on the medical risks, which are many, and not so much on the spiritual ones. Because I am sure she would be expecting the spiritual stuff and not interested in listening to it.
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I agree. And if my daughter never said anything in the first place, I would never inquire about her sexual relationship with her husband.

I think the time for education about marital sexuality and appropriate use of NFP, and discussions about the sinfulness of contraception, is before the wedding. Young adults shouldn’t find themselves about to be married (or already married!), just hearing about NFP for the first time. Of course, this happens a lot of the time.

A parent talking to his or her children about all of this in preparation for adulthood and marriage is great. Once your child is already married, you are not part of this particular equation anymore and your child owes you no information about it.
 
Pink_Lemonade said:
I agree. And if my daughter never said anything in the first place, I would never inquire about her sexual relationship with her husband.

I think the time for education about marital sexuality and appropriate use of NFP, and discussions about the sinfulness of contraception, is before the wedding. Young adults shouldn’t find themselves about to be married (or already married!), just hearing about NFP for the first time. Of course, this happens a lot of the time.

A parent talking to his or her children about all of this in preparation for adulthood and marriage is great. Once your child is already married, you are not part of this particular equation anymore and your child owes you no information about it.
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Agreed.
 
I think you have to say something to her. You didn’t go out and try to find out if she was using contraception; she came out and volunteered the information to you.

My mom would sit me down and say something like, “As ya mutha (yes she talks like that) , it is my duty to let you know that what you’re doing will send you to hell for all eternity. I’m very disappointed in you”

I wouldn’t really waste my time making moral arguments. Contraception is where Church teaching really goes against moral intuition, so it is nearly impossible to convince anyone. I think you have to appeal to tradition and authority and ask her if the convenience of contraception is something worth leaving her faith over. Maybe print out “Contraception and Chastity” by Elizabeth Anscombe and hand it to her.
 
ryecroft said:
I get the feeling the poster’s goal is not to alienate her daughter completely - you seem to be extremely aware that she would be doing this if she took your course of action. I know if I was in her daughter’s situation and my mom did what you’re saying (although my mom would NEVER EVER pull something as underhanded and dispicable as this), then she would hear from me - loud and clear -then she likely wouldn’t talk to or see me about anything or any holiday for a very, very long time - at least until she apologized for forcing herself into a place she had no business being.
God Bless
Rye
Click to expand...
I’m thinking that if someone brings up a subject that they have to have enough of a backbone to hear an opposing viewpoint. If someone wants to tell you their opinion, you listen attentively and then tell them how important their view is to you. I certainly wouldn’t go into theatrics just because someone told me I’m going to hell or not leading my family like a man.
 
1inICXC said:
Going against the grain here but I don’t think staying out of it is the Christian attitude. for one, we should admonish the sinner and 2, she is harming herself physically!!!

Now, for the first part, if she was brought up with a good grasp of the Christian faith and teachings I woukd certainly enquire what led her to this decision, knowing that it is against her faith. If, on the other hand, you never actually discussed or passed on any teachong on sexuality to her, than she is not as much at fault and “admonishing the sinner” may not be applicable.

Now, the 2nd part, and it may be easiest to start with this. I would just tell my daughter " honey, I can’t help but worry about your health and potential future reproductive issues since you started taking the pill" and then proceed with offering help and encouragement in ever other alternative, be it LadyComp, info on Nfp methods, and not least of all the beauty and joy of collaborating with God’s plans for us and the blessing of children.

Again, staying out of it helps with absolutely nothing and avoiding doing good out of fear that it can go wrong is not what we are taught. If it were a co-worker, msybe, even though I’ve had great results from speaking about the consequences of ABC whith cab drivers!- but my own kin, you bet I will try EVERYTHING that could possibly help before “letting it be”.

You know your daughter and I’m sure you’re sensible enough of a person to take the right approach when it comes to helping her do what’s best for herself!

BUT, absolutely do pray, fervently!! Just don’t forget, God may want to answer the prayers through you, not some “abracadabra” magic trick that will just make her change her mind over night.
Click to expand...
The problem is I’m sure her daughter knows the Church and her moms position on the issue. Making a big deal out of it is likely to do much more harm than good. It will probably just cause her to distance herself from her mom and the Church.
 
KostyaJMJ said:
I’m thinking that if someone brings up a subject that they have to have enough of a backbone to hear an opposing viewpoint. If someone wants to tell you their opinion, you listen attentively and then tell them how important their view is to you. I certainly wouldn’t go into theatrics just because someone told me I’m going to hell or not leading my family like a man.
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Except that her mom is the one who asked. And frankly, my sex life is no open to “opposing viewpoints”, its private. And no, I would not maintain a close relationship with someone who told me that my husband wasn’t being a real man.
 
BlueEyedLady said:
Except that her mom is the one who asked. And frankly, my sex life is no open to “opposing viewpoints”, its private. And no, I would not maintain a close relationship with someone who told me that my husband wasn’t being a real man.
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ESPECIALLY if my mother could not drop the subject and after speaking to me thought it was in her realm of responsibility to then continue to broach the subject with my husband.
 
PatriceA said:
ESPECIALLY if my mother could not drop the subject and after speaking to me thought it was in her realm of responsibility to then continue to broach the subject with my husband.
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If you had a daughter and a son in law that were two junkies killing themselves with crack or heroin would you ignore the topic after you expressed your thoughts once?
 
I think you need to stay out of it. Your daughter is a married woman. Her position as a wife now trumps her status as your daughter. Christ said “man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh? So they are no longer two, but one flesh” Anyways, I think to intrude yourself on her marriage, not only alienates yourself from your daughter but also shows a tremendous disrespect for her marriage.

All you need to do is pray. Don’t intrude yourself any further, she is an adult in a sacramental marriage. If you see someone committing sin prayer is the best thing you can do for them.

I do have an anecdotal story for you…I come from a devout Catholic Family as well and when I got married I left the church for 10 years. So, what did my family do? I will first tell you what my family didn’t do…They didn’t intrude their opinions into my marriage (they stayed out of it), they didn’t make us feel ashamed. What they did when they saw me sin was pray, for 10 years. That’s all you can do for your daughter. She is an adult making these decisions in conjunction with her husband, they are no longer 2 but one flesh. Stop being intrusive and say your prayers.
 
BlueEyedLady said:
Except that her mom is the one who asked. And frankly, my sex life is no open to “opposing viewpoints”, its private. And no, I would not maintain a close relationship with someone who told me that my husband wasn’t being a real man.
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Then why bring it up if you want things private? Yes, I got the NFP material would have been enough to end the conversation. The only reason to say no we decided to use the pill is to look for confirmation from mom. All I am saying that there is no reason mom has to condone her daughter’s actions through silence.
 
Millie123 said:
I think you need to stay out of it. Your daughter is a married woman. Her position as a wife now trumps her status as your daughter. Christ said “man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh? So they are no longer two, but one flesh” …
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One flesh while being on the pill?:confused:

That is an oxymoron.
 
Cristiano said:
If you had a daughter and a son in law that were two junkies killing themselves with crack or heroin would you ignore the topic after you expressed your thoughts once?
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Can’t approach them as a couple? Separate and divide, undermine the marriage, not the best way to go IMO. And having family members that are addicts, sometimes you do walk away even if its the hardest thing to do.
 
KostyaJMJ said:
Then why bring it up if you want things private? Yes, I got the NFP material would have been enough to end the conversation. The only reason to say no we decided to use the pill is to look for confirmation from mom. All I am saying that there is no reason mom has to condone her daughter’s actions through silence.
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No, her mom is the one that brought it up. She shouldn’t have asked, its not her problem and not her business. Why should her daughter have to lie just to make mom comfortable?
 
PatriceA said:
Can’t approach them as a couple? Separate and divide, undermine the marriage, not the best way to go IMO. And having family members that are addicts, sometimes you do walk away even if its the hardest thing to do.
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When people are separate they can express their own feelings without having the urge to jump in a defensive mechanism for the couple. I think that a lot of things can be done or can be said by the mother. However, the most important thing is to use a lot of tact, fraternal corrections can require a lot of time and a lot of silent moments too. In your face attitudes and lectures are not going to help, the daughter is a grown up and she knows where the mother stands.
 
Cristiano: You’ve totally missed my point. Her daughter is married, she is no longer part of her mother’s household, her mother has done her job and taught her daughter the faith. But, now is the time where her daughter makes her own household as she is one with her husband. For this woman to intrude herself on her daughter’s sex life (yes, even if the daughter is using the pill) is intruding herself on the sacrament which is supposed to be only between her daughter and her new husband. This is not this mother’s place. She needs to stay out of it.
 
BlueEyedLady said:
No, her mom is the one that brought it up. She shouldn’t have asked, its not her problem and not her business. Why should her daughter have to lie just to make mom comfortable?
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Maybe the daughter should care about the mother too and not just about herself. There were so many different ways for the daughter to drop the topic without having to share details. It is hypocritical to keep a person in the loop of intimate things and then to expect that the person does not have an (name removed by moderator)ut. This is not how families relate, this is how family members distance themselves from each other.
 
Cristiano said:
When people are separate they can express their own feelings without having the urge to jump in a defensive mechanism for the couple. I think that a lot of things can be done or can be said by the mother. However, the most important thing is to use a lot of tact, fraternal corrections can require a lot of time and a lot of silent moments too. In your face attitudes and lectures are not going to help, the daughter is a grown up and she knows where the mother stands.
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You and I seem to disagree. Regardless of the subject, if my mom talked to me and got no where on a decision she thought me and my husband were making was in error and proceeded to talk to my husband after she made her opinion known to me, it would do damage to both her and my relationship AND her relationship with my husband. We come as a package deal. If my mom wanted to keep the channels of communication open for further discussions about things she doesn’t agree with us, then she would need to continue to respect that there are boundaries that just shouldn’t be crossed when approaching us as a couple.
 
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