Most priests know far more about marriage than most married people do

[Xantippe]

A priest might say…“have you tried to offer up the annoyance you sense as a gift to God? He might also have reason to be a bit annoyed with you at times, no?..so offer that moment up as an act of reparation for all the times that you slept in while your wife took care of the family on Saturday morning…offer it up as an act of love for your wife, who has brought life into the world with you…do it”.

And yet, with a bit more thought, it might be possible to achieve a solution that both would be happy with…

He said, smiling, “it’s much simpler than that. Your job is to make (mentioning my wife’s name who he also knows) the happiest woman on the face of the earth - every day!” continuing to smile, as is his way.

And he was so right.

When I focus on her true happiness I have no time to engage in self pity, selfishness, worry, ‘my needs’, you name it.

God makes it simple not necessarily easy but quite surprisingly joyful.

I’m glad that advice works so well for you.

I suspect that a lot of other people would be poorly served, though, by “make your spouse happy,” as it’s not really something we have a lot of control over. I can control the (name removed by moderator)uts (to some extent) but not the outputs.

I can’t say for certain how it would work to try that method on my husband, but I’m quite sure that my husband trying to make me the happiest woman on earth would be unfair to him. I don’t expect that of him. I’d like him to be a good dad, help out at home, be nice to me, respectful, fair and affectionate. Just that alone is A LOT.

Edited to add: “Make your spouse happy” might be especially unfair to the spouse of a mentally ill person.

 

[Edward_H]

I love all these “there could be a little flaw here” people. They give me someone to pray for because they’re very unhappy people, prickly and prone to find fault", real or imagined.

 

[Elizabeth3]

You’d be surprised at how much time the average priest spends in the box whether the box is his confessional or whether it’s his office or the curbside. Or hospital room.

A great service and a great tool for his learning the pastoral arts.

I doubt I’d be surprised. I’m sure it is a great tool for learning. I don’t necessarily agree that it means most priests make great marriage counselors.

 

[Xantippe]

I love all these “there could be a little flaw here” people. They give me someone to pray for because they’re very unhappy people, prickly and prone to find fault", real or imagined.

I’ve seen a lot of complaints about the “make your spouse happy” method.

As many people have pointed out (and quite fairly), you can wear yourself to a rag and still not make another human being truly happy.

 

[Edward_H]

You might want to understand what the priest really meant before you fly off untethered to reason and criticize it.

I’m not going to explain it to you and will leave you to wonder. Maybe the Holy Spirit will give you some insight.

You don’t get it yet.

 

[Xantippe]

You might want to understand what the priest really meant before you fly off untethered to reason and criticize it.

I’m not going to explain it to you and will leave you to wonder. Maybe the Holy Spirit will give you some insight.

You don’t get it yet.

I’m all ears.

If you mean making your spouse happy in a purely spiritual sense, that’s even harder to achieve than making them happy in a more worldly sense.

 

[Edward_H]

Nope. Take it to prayer and God may give you the right sense.

 

[Xantippe]

Nope. Take it to prayer and God may give you the right sense.

???

 

[Xantippe]

Your job is to make (mentioning my wife’s name who he also knows) the happiest woman on the face of the earth - every day!”

I told that story to my husband this evening and the first thing he said was, “I’m failing!”

Then I told him what I actually wanted (be nice to me, help at home, be good dad, be affectionate, etc.), and he was much happier.

So, paradoxically, the “make your spouse the happiest person on earth” standard could make BOTH spouses unhappy if they both knew that they were failing at their job, whereas having more modest expectations could make both spouses happier, as success is so much more within reach.

 

[TheAmazingGrace]

You might want to understand what the priest really meant before you fly off untethered to reason and criticize it.

Nobody’s flying off untethered but you.

Calm. Down.

 

[ConstantLearner]

So on the intimacy points, it’s even. Some do/some don’t. but then add all the experience that priests get that married couples have NO way of getting.

Why do married couples have no way of getting these details? I have friends who tell me the details of their marriage that they do not share with a priest.

 

[DarkLight]

I’ve seen a lot of complaints about the “make your spouse happy” method.

As many people have pointed out (and quite fairly), you can wear yourself to a rag and still not make another human being truly happy.

Yup. I’m reminded of the old books that people laugh at about how to make the husband happy - have all the kids lined up, neat, and smiling to greet their father, have your makeup and hair done to look alluring, have dinner on the table and all the laundry and ironing done so he doesn’t have to worry about anything…

I expect some of our SAHM ladies are now laughing.

Why do married couples have no way of getting these details? I have friends who tell me the details of their marriage that they do not share with a priest.

Yeah, I’ll be honest, I’ve had a few things married friends have shared with me that just wouldn’t be relevant to say to a priest. In my case it was more me asking questions about being a wife and mother - they weren’t sins or needing advice, just talk between women.

 

[Xantippe]

Why do married couples have no way of getting these details? I have friends who tell me the details of their marriage that they do not share with a priest.

Aside from deep dark secrets, the how-tos are more likely to come up in casual situations with friends.

Yeah, I’ll be honest, I’ve had a few things married friends have shared with me that just wouldn’t be relevant to say to a priest. In my case it was more me asking questions about being a wife and mother - they weren’t sins or needing advice, just talk between women.

Yeah.

 

[Edward_H]

It actually works the other way.

To be truly happy my wife must be closer in union with God. Happiness comes from
the possession of a “good”, the greater the good, the more stable and intense the happiness. So I must work to put my wife closer to God, mainly in little ways, often hidden ways, smalll acts of charity perhaps unnoticed. Done not to be noticed but done in conversation with God, out of love for Him and for my wife. All day long. I offer periods of work for her, pain in a dentist chair. These can be ways of bringing God closer to my wife.

A more eager apology, a nonroutine kiss, making dinner when I am not traveling, helping her to get to Confession, saying the Family Rosary at night, thanking her…a zillion ways to try to love her with the heart of Christ. Perhaps examining myself more closely in matters related to married or family life, and then confessing some shortfalls…that will help her get closer to Christ too.

And all this concern for her is time and effort that I won’t spend on self-pity, self focus.

We can love our wives A LOT MORE every day.

And we need not be led around by the secular minded BS about “you can tire yourself out and become mentally ill”.

It’s God’s energy that we can learn to love with. This requires a strong prayer life.

We don’t do it on our own. We merely cooperate. But we MUST cooperate with all our heart, soul, mind, and strength.

We need to be suspicious of the devil’s excuses…“you can love too much, ya know!”

 

[TheAmazingGrace]

And we need not be led around by the secular minded BS about “you can tire yourself out and become mentally ill”.

It ain’t BS Ed. It’s empirically demonstrable. Methinks you could stand to read more peer-reviewed psychological studies.

 

[Edward_H]

Nobody meets more souls in that way than priests.

You don’t have that many friends who share that much. Be honest.

 

[Edward_H]

I publish in engineering journals.

A couple years ago someone took The top most cited articles from psychology journals and set out to replicate the science. Less than 50% we’re replicable.

Psychology has set us back 100 years

 

[TheAmazingGrace]

I publish in engineering journals.

A couple years ago someone took The top most cited articles from psychology journals and set out to replicate the science. Less than 50% we’re replicable.

Psychology has set us back 100 years

Engineering is not psychology. Also, please cite sources.

 

[Xantippe]

A couple years ago someone took The top most cited articles from psychology journals and set out to replicate the science. Less than 50% we’re replicable.

That’s pretty good for psychology.

Flip it around, and 50% were replicable.

 

[Xantippe]

So I must work to put my wife closer to God, mainly in little ways, often hidden ways, smalll acts of charity perhaps unnoticed. Done not to be noticed but done in conversation with God, out of love for Him and for my wife. All day long. I offer periods of work for her, pain in a dentist chair. These can be ways of bringing God closer to my wife.

I would suggest that talking to your wife and finding out what she wants and needs and telling her what you want and need would also be an important first step.

I just haven’t seen enough from you about listening and cooperating with one’s spouse. It’s all about solitary spiritual struggle–which is not a good way to approach married life.

And we need not be led around by the secular minded BS about “you can tire yourself out and become mentally ill”.

Even Jesus needed breaks from his ministry. That’s in the Gospel.

We need to be suspicious of the devil’s excuses…“you can love too much, ya know!”

I don’t think we can love too much, but we can love in counter-productive ways that hurt our relationships with others and even hurt others, like C.S. Lewis’s Mrs. Fidget. She was so wrapped up in her service to her family that she forgot to have a relationship with her family–her giving and sacrificing was all about her.

You don’t have that many friends who share that much. Be honest.

As other people have pointed out, confession by itself isn’t going to give priests a lot of insight into how normal parents of families live their lives. Confession concerns only a fraction of our lives.

Psychology has set us back 100 years

So you don’t believe in the pharmaceutical treatment of OCD, schizophrenia, depression or anxiety?

And you don’t realize that modern psychology has made it possible to teach some autistic children to speak and to have happy, productive lives?