My Child wants to leave the Catholic Faith

[wcknight]

Prayer is your only weapon. Two of my three have already left the Church. The third is marginal. I’m hopeful that all three will return to God’s graces. I’m confident the Lord will show them the way. They are always in my prayers.

 

[dado]

Hi Mickey,
As others have made many fine points before I would like to add only a few and some references to other resources.
Unfortuanately many Catholics do not understand their faith well and are easily drawn away from it by the more simplistic message and emotionalism/showmanship in evangelical communities. In a way you need to evangelize your own daughter, but before doing so you may need to evangelize yourself and as St. Francis said: preach always, when necessary use words. There is not anything quite so attractive as holiness. This may be a wake up call from on high! Catholic.com has a good article on how not to evangelize which is good background to keep in mind even with our own children/relatives.

Above all pray. I left the Church for about 30 years and God drew me back in Pauline fashion, instantaneously knocked of my horse so to speak. I don’t doubt my parents prayers for me were instrumental. St Monica prayed for her son Augustine’s (354-386) conversion for 17 years and he became a great Saint and Doctor of the Church. Don’t become discouraged.

Beyond prayer she may need community with other Catholics her age. Here is an online site that might interest her: www.nextwavefaithful.com This is Stepahie Woods site aimed at young Catholic adults in your daughters age group, she also has a weekly program on EWTN radio. It is possible to listen to it on-line via dial-up through a link from www.ewtn.com . While on the nextwavefaithful site search for an article “Indifferentism - Who Cares?” by Jim Burnham

Steve Wood, Stepahie’s father, was a protestant minister before his families conversion to Catholicism, he was responsible for drawing many Catholics away from the faith before his conversion and has written about it on his site www.dads.org which has lots of good stuff on being a Catholic father.

Also have a look at www.crossroadsinitiative.com and search for “why be catholic”. Dr. Ambrosio went through the same struggle as a teenage rock and roller and has a CD of a talk he gives on the topic.

My prayers are with you and your daughter.
Dado
AMDG

 

[Mom_of_5]

I had a dream last night…

When I died I met Jesus, I only saw his beautiful hands, and then His arms around me warm and loving. He did not ask what religion I was or why, at times, I questioned my Catholic faith. He asked if I had done all that I could do for my fellow man. He asked if I asked forgiveness for all those I have hurt, intentionally and unintenionally. He asked if I took care of all His children He put in my care, He asked if I loved Him…then I woke up. There is no “religous faith” in heaven. The religion we choose here on earth should help us reach heaven. Our religion is the road we take to get where we want to go, it is our path, our stairway to heaven. If we truly believe we are in the right religion and truly love God, then we will do all we need to do, obey all the commandments and love one another.

Fortunately, we can not make anyone believe anything. We cannot give our faith to anyone else nor can we force it upon anyone. I don’t think God would want us to…maybe the person we are trying to force to believe as we do, is far holier in the eyes of God than the enforcer. Just a bit of food for thought.

Love and peace,
Mom of 5

 

[jmcrae]

I had a dream last night…

When I died I met Jesus, I only saw his beautiful hands, and then His arms around me warm and loving. He did not ask what religion I was or why, at times, I questioned my Catholic faith. He asked if I had done all that I could do for my fellow man. He asked if I asked forgiveness for all those I have hurt, intentionally and unintenionally. He asked if I took care of all His children He put in my care, He asked if I loved Him…then I woke up. There is no “religous faith” in heaven.

Have you read the Book of Revelation? It describes a quite different after-life than that.

The religion we choose here on earth should help us reach heaven. Our religion is the road we take to get where we want to go, it is our path, our stairway to heaven. If we truly believe we are in the right religion and truly love God, then we will do all we need to do, obey all the commandments and love one another.

And how do we “obey the commandments” if we choose a religion that doesn’t teach any, because of the convenience of being an easy-believer - where they teach, just say “Jesus,” and you’re saved?

 

[Beno]

Shirley-

I see many things wrong with your above post. Most of all the idea that the relationship you have with your children is one that they obey orders. The word “Obey” just rings a little less than an ideal parenting situation.

But you said “You would not sit by and let them do drugs, shoplift, or cut themselves, why let them leave the church without so much as a whimper of protest?”

I find it odd you equal taking drugs with leaving the church as equal in “wrongness”

Children do not want to be ordered around (even though they sometimes need it). Like adults, children need to be LEAD not ORDERED.

To grow into great adults they need to make the right choices for themselves and not have their only moral compass what mom thinks is right.

Children who are ordered are the ones that rebel and lose their way when they no longer have the person giving orders to them. The will embrace anarchy more if they are forced into order.

Hlmem, with respect to your beliefs regarding parenting, I hold a somewhat different point of view. Up to their being 18 years old, I prefer to lead my children by example, with love and kindness, with well-reasoned clarity, and using my right to ORDER them regarding their moral and religious direction. Upon their attaining adulthood, I will lead by acknowledging their right to make their own choices, but with the extra knowledge that their choices will determine whether they will remain under my roof. Sure they may rebel as most young adults do anyway. But once they mature into their own settled convictions and perhaps with children of their own, they will have long known by my example what I have always believed to be vitally important to them.

 

[hlmem]

Hlmem, with respect to your beliefs regarding parenting, I hold a somewhat different point of view. Up to their being 18 years old, I prefer to lead my children by example, with love and kindness, with well-reasoned clarity, and using my right to ORDER them regarding their moral and religious direction. Upon their attaining adulthood, I will lead by acknowledging their right to make their own choices, but with the extra knowledge that their choices will determine whether they will remain under my roof. Sure they may rebel as most young adults do anyway. But once they mature into their own settled convictions and perhaps with children of their own, they will have long known by my example what I have always believed to be vitally important to them.

But here is the question.

Will the child embrace the Catholic faith because they want to and enjoy it? OR will they do so just because mom and dad say so?

Though parents might be happier by seeing their child in Mass every Sunday and that sort.

The goal is not for the child to just do the motions and HOPE is sticks. But to set forth a lifestyle they can embrace and love on their own.

 

[curious35]

Wow! Eighty + comments - your question is really making people think on their faith.

As a Southern Baptist, I am probably going to generally agree with responses #11 & #77 - this is an independent young lady we’re talking about here! She will stick with her friends - but, hey, what about her Catholic age peers? Maybe that relationship could stand a bit of gentle prompting, if she has friends she went to Mass with (what do I know?)

Since I see many faiths leading to a stronger personal saving relationship with Jesus Christ, it is easy for me to say I’d rather she go somewhere where faith issues are discussed than nowhere, which is a real possibility if parents press too strongly. Should we see this as a faith challenge for the parents?

Some of the ultimatums I’ve seen here are guaranteed to send a daughter away, probably for the whole time your grandchildren are young. Hmmmm…

Keep praying she will return - if parenting was easy, anybody could do it!

 

[Beno]

But here is the question.

Will the child embrace the Catholic faith because they want to and enjoy it? OR will they do so just because mom and dad say so?

Though parents might be happier by seeing their child in Mass every Sunday and that sort.

The goal is not for the child to just do the motions and HOPE is sticks. But to set forth a lifestyle they can embrace and love on their own.

Your points are not without merit and in many ways I certainly agree with you. I would want for my children to want and embrace the Catholic faith like myself, and not just because I said so. But as a Catholic parent, I feel obligated to stand up not only for what I believe, but also for what I believe is best for my children, even if as young adults, they do not now realize it. As an adult college student in education and as a parent of children between 17 and 22 years of age, I certainly struggle like many of us, with doing what is right and best for all of us. Certainly I am reminded of when Jesus spoke about eating His flesh, that many of His disciples walked away and were with him no longer. He said what He had to say, which were the “words of eternal life” and yet He respected their right to choose to walk, as painful as it may have been for Him to see. There is probably a lesson here for us.

 

[Mary3]

1. Parents provide spritual guidance for their children. Even when they are grown, they are still your children, and up until about age 24, they still need help making decisions and judgments. Not all the time, but anyone that age should have a trusted adult they can turn to for help and advice.
2. Obedience IS important and children need to learn it. If you don’t learn to obey your parents how will you learn to obey God. This is crucial in younger years. Don’t cross the street, don’t stick that fork in the socket, don’t drink the Drano. BELIEVE me, obedience is essential.

And you discuss the whys and you teach them how to make their own decisions. And you let them make decisions for themselves all their lives so they learn how and learn from mistakes, but you guide them.

It is not about training seals, it is about raising competent, confident adults, but it STARTS with obedience.

Shirley,

I’m sorry if I missed this in an earlier post. Do you have any children who are young adults (>18 years old)?

 

[Maria1212]

I recommend giving your daughter a copy of the Catechism of the Catholic Church and suggest that you read it together. At 19 she is old enough to read it. I agree with the poster who suggested taking her out for coffee and have an honest discussion, without being accusatory. LIsten to your daughter with an open mind to find out what she gets that the other church that she feels she is missing out on at Mass. Maybe the solution is finding a a different Catholic Church, or trying a different Mass time. I know we do not go to Mass for entertainment, but I enjoy traditional Masses that I find more reverant and get "more out of it " than one I go to contemporary ones that are more about entertainment.

I would also try discussing with her how important your faith is to you, and why you are Catholic rather than a Protestant Christian.

I will keep you and your daughter in my prayers. When I was in college I stopped practicing the Catholic faith for awhile and then came back much stronger and more committed to my faith than ever before. You should encourage your daughter to ask questions because that is how we develop real faith. But I definitely recommend not “forcing” her to go to Church because it could backfire. Since she is still going to Church with you, that is a really positive sign.

You might also want to have her read This Rock magazine. It has some great artifcles and your daughter will be happy you are treating her as an adult. It sounds like she has some questions and is seeking answers. Whatever she thinks she is missing, she can find in the Catholic Church.

Hang in there.

Sincerely,

Maria1212

 

[drsbraham2]

Hello Maria! I am new to this site…I read your post and was touched by your earnestness to allow your daughter to be who she is…you have the first 18 years to raise and educate and lead her in the way…now it’s her time to see what is out there!

I have never understood why the Catholic Church “worries” about competition from other faiths…I was raised Catholic and became Assembly of God in1970, thanks to a praying grandmother who loved “JESUS” and “THE BIBLE” and taught me to see the real Love of God…she was a true Christian in every sense of the word. I always felt there was something missing from my “experience” at Mass, then I found out what it was and have been serving MY LORD and SAVIOUR, Jesus Christ!!! and you know what??? I’ll be in Heaven right next door to Catholics, Baptists and whomever "Accepts the Lord Jesus, His Divine Birth, Death and Resurrection from the Tomb, and He who sits at the right hand of the FATHER!!

I know what your talkin about, for the first few years of my daughters marriage, there was no going to church anywhere, she married a catholic …was pregnant at the time, and his parents forced them to get married…anyway…4 children later she began to deisre going to church and since he was not interested at the time in going anywhere, we began taking her and the children to church with us. Needless to say, it didin’t take long for him to get upset at the fact they were having a great time and loving the Wed. night activities and the Sunday School/Childrens’ Church programs…He put a stop to it quickly and went ballistic on us all…so we backed off and left them alone…the kids still talk to us about our faith, and tell us how they miss the acitivities they were involved in…

The question I have is this…do we not ALL serve ONE GOD, the GOD of ABRAHAM, ISAAC AND JACOB??? Did Jesus die for just CATHOLIC’s ?? Or did HE die for ALL?? You can isolate yourselves here on earth, but HEAVEN is for ALL WHO BELIEVE AND CALL ON THE NAME OF THE LORD JESUS CHRIST. Have faith, your daughter is getting something out of this…she will decide what is best for her spiritual life…I don’t see where this is a bad thing…just like with any differences in life…choices are made…we are to “raise up a child in the way they should go”…love is letting go…the mother bird pushes her babies out of the nest…but knowing full well they are ready!!

 

[ElizabethAnne]

drsbraham2,

I can understand that you are upset that your grandchildren are no longer able to attend church service with you.

You say that you don’t see why leaving the Catholic Church is a bad thing. For those of us who truly believe that the Church is the One True Church, founded by Jesus Christ, leaving the Church does matter. Sure, there may be truth in other faiths, but I think every practicing Catholic parent wants their children to have fullness of Truth. No other Church has the Eucharist, Jesus Christ present in a profound way. Also, Christian churches do not all teach what is moral. Some do not teach that abortion is wrong!

OP, I think it is wonderful that you’re speaking with your daughter about her decision, and I second everyone who said you should continue to pray for her.

God bless you both.

 

[curious35]

I like Mary 1212’s idea about studying the CCC with the daughter if the girl will go for it.

Parents who are about to short out their fuses because the kiddo wants try another faith might want to “live the life” and be the clearest example of a grace-filled Christian. This will encourage the young one to try coming back when it occurs to her without fear.

But -
Let’s go back to Antioch, folks - it is the same Christ who spoke to “the Greeks” - He speaks to the Baptists and Methodists - the Presbyterians. I can even accept that the Protestant Reformation wasn’t perfectly conceived and carried out - but He is the same Good Shepherd for us today. Did you really think Jesus would give up on millions of devout Protestant Christians just because they don’t mind the priests and the Synod of Bishops? The Christ who said, “I make all things new!” - he’d let the sign in front of the church stop Him? Not the Christ I know.

Okay, so I just shorted out some of y’alls fuses.

 

[jmcrae]

The Christ who said, “I make all things new!” - he’d let the sign in front of the church stop Him? Not the Christ I know.

Actually, I think Jesus did mention something about the importance of Truth.

Of course, Satan most likely wouldn’t mind if people just agreed to disagree on “trivial” things like doctrine and morality, would he …?

Okay, so I just shorted out some of y’alls fuses.

Yep.

 

[Nordar]

Actually, I think Jesus did mention something about the importance of Truth.

Of course, Satan most likely wouldn’t mind if people just agreed to disagree on “trivial” things like doctrine and morality, would he …?

I do not think that anyone is arguing this, nor is anyone saying that someone thinking of leaving the Church should be celebrated.

You are acting as if people are talking about throwing a party because someone is thinking of leaving the Church. You can throw out all the Doctrinal reasons you like as to why they should not leave, everyone knows why. What exactly is your point? No one is saying it is a good thing to leave and no one is saying she should be encouraged to leave so I am not getting why you have to keep pointing out the obvious.

Besides the fact she may never leave, it sounds from what Mickey says she is only doing what lots of other teenagers are doing and questioning her faith. Which is not necessarily a bad thing, questions can turn out to make your Faith stronger.

 

[wjp984]

You might have already heard this advice but try to get her involved with some sort of Catholic group with people her age that woud offer the same opportunities as this other Protestant Church. Is your daughter in college? If so, tell her to get involved with the Newman Center. Because I had a choice between the Protestant group and the Catholic group, naturally, I chose the Catholic one. This is why I think it is so important for there to be active Newman Centers with fun social events and activites at all colleges. If there were not a Newman Center I very well may have joined the Protestant group and been convinced to go to their church since although I now feel comfortable going to mass each week alone or with others, at the time, I was not going to church as much and could easily have been inluenced in a variety of ways.

 

[LilyM]

Hi,
More power to you. If you can control your child like that please let me know how you do it:thumbsup:
Im not sure whether you have children yet or they are still young, but I have to say I think you are going to have to lighten up(not on raising your child as a well-informed catholic )but on the control issue.

My husband went to catholic school and never missed a single Sunday Mass–for the first 18 years of his life–was an alter boy etc. He has not stepped into a CC(except for funerals and weddings)since he was 18 and he is now 43. He has 5 other brothers and sisters and none of them go to church either Their parents are devout catholics such as yourself.

A parent can be well intentioned but ultimately it will be your child/children’s decision. All you can do is raise them in the faith and hope and pray that they choose to remain.

Im not debating with you just giving you a dose of reality to benefit you:thumbsup:

You do not need to respond to me.

P.S. I have learned that you cannot put out a statement of any kind and expect not to be challenged or commented on. Take some friendly advice–if you dont want to debate on comment you post then dont post it. I have found that out the hard way–trust me

I have four sisters. Our parents did all they could to teach us about the faith and also walk the talk to a very large degree themselves.

Yet as adults we cover much of the spectrum in terms of belief - from New-Age anti-Catholic to Christmas & Easter to cafeteria to devout. Even in my own life I have had a lengthy period of drifting away from the faith, and have only recently reverted.

At the same time those of my family who do not consider themselves Catholic are respectful enough of the beliefs of the Church and of my parents to not receive Communion.

Moral of this story being there is no way to raise or teach a child such that they are guaranteed to grown into and remain as a faithful Catholic. I’m certain you’ve done your best, but you do have to let your child make her own choices and mistakes as an adult.

At the same time, talk to her at least about the significance communion has for Catholics - not just in terms of Real Presence, but in terms of being an expression of full assent to the tenets of the faith. Let her know that it’s NOT OK to receive if she doesn’t fully agree with all the essential teachings of the Church. If she wants a blessing, which a lot of priests give to those who aren’t receiving Communion, then that’s OK.

God doesn’t require us to coerce any other adult to do what we believe He wants - He doesn’t coerce them himself, after all. Just lay what you believe out there on the table and if she, in all the wisdom of her 19 years, chooses to ignore you then nothing more is required or possible. It’s not the end of her road or yours by any means - just look at the number of reverts on this board (myself among them) and love her and pray for her.

 

[Gamera]

Hi Folks,

My daughter wants to leave the Catholic faith because she’s been going to church at her freinds church as well as ours and feels she gets more out of it. She is 19 and the love of my life.
My question is "is there enough difference to ruin our relationship be forcing her to remain in my faith. Both faiths follow Christ.
I am at a standstill in my own heart. Help me understand this.

Mickey

“Some men see things as they are and ask why. Others dream things that never were and ask why not?” -George Bernard Shaw

We don’t go to church to “get” something out of it. We go to church to GIVE something — namely, praise and glory to God. Sure, we do receive graces and benefits from participating in the Eucharist, but our reason for going should be to give, not to get. Just my two cents on that point.

It’s one thing to simply BE Protestant. It’s another thing to start out Catholic and then actively bail on the Catholic Church to become Protestant. Did your daughter ever embrace the Catholic faith? Does she understand the differences between Catholic faith and Protestant faith? What particular branch of Protestantism is her prospective new church — can she articulate the differences between their belief and Catholic belief? If not, she needs more information before making such a major decision.

My appraoch would be : “You need more information in order to make this decision. Let’s look together at what Church X believes and discuss whether that’s really true.”

 

[mickey94558]

Did your daughter ever embrace the Catholic faith? Does she understand the differences between Catholic faith and Protestant faith? What particular branch of Protestantism is her prospective new church — can she articulate the differences between their belief and Catholic belief? If not, she needs more information before making such a major decision.

My appraoch would be : “You need more information in order to make this decision. Let’s look together at what Church X believes and discuss whether that’s really true.”

I really don’t believe she has embraced it. She attends weekly with us and she, sometimes, says the responses but she never seems happy to be there.
I myself am also going to need to do some studying because I’ve pretty much always believed but never really learned a lot about the church itself. This is why I appreciate all your help with recommendations such as getting some books and finding the answers together. That is the route I am going to attempt.
Thank you all for your great insight.

 

[shirleytowers]

Shirleytowers, here, of the controversial post…

I have three daughters, ages 12, 13, and 17. I was once a teenage girl who left the church and I have five sisters who were teenagers, too.

When I opted out of the Church at age, I think, 18, my parents ignored it. I wish they had been a bit more proactive. Of my seven siblings, I am the only one still a Catholic and I greatly regret my years away. Maybe it was a journey I had to make. And maybe the OP’s daughter must too, but parents should not just cross their fingers and hope, they should point the way as best they can.

When I equated leaving the Church with shoplifting or cutting yourself, I meant it. It is a big mistake that hurts you and you will regret.

The “ohhh, you have to let them go, they are adult,…que sera sera” doesn’t wash unless you just don’t care. Part of parenting is spiritual guidance. And you don’t stop because they are over 18, you just do it differently.

I said to forbid the daughter to go to nonCatholic services. Sure, she is 19, and she will still go, but the fact that you disapprove will put her on notice that you think it a huge mistake. And this will influence her decisions. Now, bear in mind, all this relies on the parent having a good relationship with the child. If you don’t, you push them away by forbidding them to leave.

You can’t MAKE anyone do anything, but you can influence them, and you should use your influence, pray, and continue to talk about it with them in an open and comfortable way.

I am a parent and a teacher and I know that obedience is the most important lesson you can ever teach your child. Lack of obedience is original sin, IMO. Lack of obedience endangers the child in every way. It is just so basic.

Obedience to a parent is the basis for the child obeying rules in school, laws in public, mores in society, and commandments of God.