My wife just left me

[Caprotodox]

This has been a rollercoaster ride. The other day I felt ok, yesterday I broke down at work. Luckily nobody was around so nobody saw me. I went to one of the Churches near me at lunch and just broke down again.

I have not contacted my wife since we spoke last week, except to wish her a happy bday. She did say “thanks” to that and nothing else. I am respecting her want for space.

I have decided that I need to start going out and doing things. I went bowling the other night, I’ve started going to the gym again to get back into the routine I was in before all of this happened. I’ve also thought about joining some co-ed sports teams here to just get out and meet new people.

I really don’t understand how it got to this point. I don’t understand why it seems to me she does not want to work on our marriage. I guess these are questions that I may never know the answers to. I know that I can’t sit around playing the victim here, I need to force myself to go out and do things. There are times that I get a thought of why not just give up on this, but I know that I have to fight until the end. I don’t want to look back on this, if it does end, knowing that I didn’t do everything that I possibly could.

I ask that you all still continue to pray for my wife, my marriage, and I. I ask that you pray that the Lord will save and restore my marriage, and that Lord continues to help me work on my weaknesses and my faults.

Thank you everyone!

 

[john1513]

This has been a rollercoaster ride. The other day I felt ok, yesterday I broke down at work. Luckily nobody was around so nobody saw me. I went to one of the Churches near me at lunch and just broke down again.

I have not contacted my wife since we spoke last week, except to wish her a happy bday. She did say “thanks” to that and nothing else. I am respecting her want for space.

I have decided that I need to start going out and doing things. I went bowling the other night, I’ve started going to the gym again to get back into the routine I was in before all of this happened. I’ve also thought about joining some co-ed sports teams here to just get out and meet new people.

I really don’t understand how it got to this point. I don’t understand why it seems to me she does not want to work on our marriage. I guess these are questions that I may never know the answers to. I know that I can’t sit around playing the victim here, I need to force myself to go out and do things. There are times that I get a thought of why not just give up on this, but I know that I have to fight until the end. I don’t want to look back on this, if it does end, knowing that I didn’t do everything that I possibly could.

I ask that you all still continue to pray for my wife, my marriage, and I. I ask that you pray that the Lord will save and restore my marriage, and that Lord continues to help me work on my weaknesses and my faults.

Thank you everyone!

Sorry but I haven’t read the entire thread. Did your priest contact your wife? What does she think about the permanent wedding vows she made?

 

[jmcrae]

Sorry but I haven’t read the entire thread. Did your priest contact your wife? What does she think about the permanent wedding vows she made?

She didn’t; they were married outside the Church.

 

[Caprotodox]

Sorry but I haven’t read the entire thread. Did your priest contact your wife? What does she think about the permanent wedding vows she made?

No, my priest hasn’t. My wife is not religious and we weren’t married in the Church (we were married by a Protestant pastor).

I really don’t know her thoughts about the permanence of wedding vows anymore. I had thought she felt the importance of them and that they were to be seriously kept. Now, I just hope that she still feels that marriage is permanent and that we need to work together to make our marriage better.

I haven’t spoken to her in a week, other than to say happy birthday. I really have no clue where we’re at in regards to whether she wants to just be separated or if she wants to divorce.

 

[Chantal25]

Start the Rosary now!

I pray for you and your wife to grow old together and to be happy!

God Bless!

 

[john1513]

No, my priest hasn’t. My wife is not religious and we weren’t married in the Church (we were married by a Protestant pastor).

I really don’t know her thoughts about the permanence of wedding vows anymore. I had thought she felt the importance of them and that they were to be seriously kept. Now, I just hope that she still feels that marriage is permanent and that we need to work together to make our marriage better.

I haven’t spoken to her in a week, other than to say happy birthday. I really have no clue where we’re at in regards to whether she wants to just be separated or if she wants to divorce.

Does she have any friends and do any of them encourage her towards or away from her marriage? Can they offer any support to you and/or her?

 

[Caprotodox]

Does she have any friends and do any of them encourage her towards or away from her marriage? Can they offer any support to you and/or her?

I believe that the friends she is speaking to are encouraging, or suggesting her behavior. It really wasn’t until my wife started hanging around this new friend of hers, that these issues came about.

I really feel that if my wife weren’t being influenced by this friend and another one of her friends this situation wouldn’t be occurring. However, at the end of the day it is my wife’s acting on the advice.

I accept that I cannot control what my wife does or who she listens to. All I can control is my own life. I’m starting to feel that the only way that I can remove the power that her moving out, “wanting space”, and not talking to me, is to just to move on with my life and hope that she will want to work things out, but if she doesn’t at least I’ll already have accepted it and started working on mending my heart.

I’ve been getting out of the house and doing social activities and that’s helped me a lot. It keeps my mind off the hurt otherwise it’s all that I think about.

I’ve been praying more than I ever have, and I will continue to do so. I’ve been leaning on God more than ever as well. I think I even have all the names of the Patron Saints of Separated Spouses memorized too.

 

[john1513]

I believe that the friends she is speaking to are encouraging, or suggesting her behavior. It really wasn’t until my wife started hanging around this new friend of hers, that these issues came about.

I’ve seen this happen too many times. Meanwhile Catholics sit back and condemn anyone for “judging” someone because “obviously there’s something seriously wrong in the marriage, just mind your own business and stop trying to influence people” when the other spouse is CLEARLY being influenced by someone else.

Praying for you. I hope you or other good Catholics can break through any toxic relationships your spouse has.

 

[SuperHappy]

I still feel that her walking out is unfair, and I think that before it got to the point of her moving out several steps should have been done first.

1. Sit me down and say for example, “You cannot talk to me in this way, it is disrespectful”. If that didn’t work then.
2. Marriage counseling - If that didn’t work
3. Talk about the seriousness of the issue and say that you will move out if it’s not resolved.
4. Finally move out.

Instead, none of these steps were taken and except for #4.

.

I am praying for you. The grief in your posts is palpable. I hope that in realizing what can be done differently, you can change the course of your life, whether that means a reconciliation with your wife or whether that means that you move forward to a new relationship.

In any case, I wanted to say that you are feeling like she is unfair because she didn’t go through these steps as you would have liked. I am pretty sure that your wife tried to communicate her unhappiness and at least with steps 1 and 3. Nobody suddenly just hops up and moves out without any indication. Whether you chose to listen and make the changes at the time was your choice just as it is your choice now. You have the ability to affect a positive change in your own life and learn this important lesson from this negative situation.

I hope you will continue praying and consulting with your priest. I will be praying for you!

 

[john1513]

I am pretty sure that your wife tried to communicate her unhappiness and at least with steps 1 and 3. Nobody suddenly just hops up and moves out without any indication.

Are you saying the OP is lying about step 2? If counseling was not attempted, it’s reasonable to conclude that no serious attempt was made at communicating grievances.

And yes, people do suddenly leave their marriages. It’s irrational and is why counseling is necessary but often avoided for fear of confronting issues.

 

[SuperHappy]

Are you saying the OP is lying about step 2? If counseling was not attempted, it’s reasonable to conclude that no serious attempt was made at communicating grievances.

And yes, people do suddenly leave their marriages. It’s irrational and is why counseling is necessary but often avoided for fear of confronting issues.

The post states that none of the steps were taken except for step 4.

I believe that over years there is no way that the wife never spoke to OP seriously. Whether they went to counseling or not, someone who has been married for years and trying does not just leave. Counseling is not necessary to tell a person, hey that was disrespectful, or hey, I am tired of living like this or hey, why don’t you listen to me? If over years the wife tried, she probably simply gave up. Truthfully the OP admits that he didn’t listen to his wife so the unfairness goes both ways.

I simply wanted to encourage the OP to be more mindful and to know that things can get better and they will, but there is work to be done. Just saying that anything God put together, He can restore. Just saying that we all learn from our mistakes and that even though something seems unfair, Our Lord will move things for our good. (see Romans 8:28)

Sorry for any misunderstanding in what I was trying to convey.

 

[Irishmom2]

In any case, I wanted to say that you are feeling like she is unfair because she didn’t go through these steps as you would have liked. I am pretty sure that your wife tried to communicate her unhappiness and at least with steps 1 and 3. Nobody suddenly just hops up and moves out without any indication. Whether you chose to listen and make the changes at the time was your choice just as it is your choice now.

We can only go by what the OP has told us. And he said she did not do the things he listed.

There are people that just up and leave one day. People that are unhappy and never speak up. Or only speak to people that encourage them to leave their spouse. Or people that already have someone waiting in the wings for them. I don’t think it is fair to the OP to be made to feel like it is his “fault” when it is his wife that chose to leave without even attempting to fix anything through counseling.

 

[john1513]

I simply wanted to encourage the OP to be more mindful and to know that things can get better and they will, but there is work to be done. Just saying that anything God put together, He can restore. Just saying that we all learn from our mistakes and that even though something seems unfair, Our Lord will move things for our good. (see Romans 8:28)

I agree with that, however in this case it appears that no matter how much the OP improves themselves, their spouse will not consider reconciling. That is why I asked earlier about the spouse’s friends and they confirmed my suspicions: often people insert themselves into other people’s marriages for the purpose of dividing spouses. I’ve seen it too many times.

In order to help our brothers and sisters, we have to recognize the common pitfalls of marriage and address them, one of which is outside negative influences. Until the OP removes these influences, no amount of listening or self improvement will help.

On a separate note, one of the biggest failures of the Catholic Church is failing to teach about marriage. We often look for God everywhere (e.g. church functions, friends, hobbies, work, etc.) EXCEPT our marriages. So when suffering in marriage becomes too great, we’ll abandon marriage for all those other happier things. We may also have a problem addressing suffering as well.

 

[john1513]

I believe that the friends she is speaking to are encouraging, or suggesting her behavior. It really wasn’t until my wife started hanging around this new friend of hers, that these issues came about.

I really feel that if my wife weren’t being influenced by this friend and another one of her friends this situation wouldn’t be occurring. However, at the end of the day it is my wife’s acting on the advice.

I accept that I cannot control what my wife does or who she listens to. All I can control is my own life. I’m starting to feel that the only way that I can remove the power that her moving out, “wanting space”, and not talking to me, is to just to move on with my life and hope that she will want to work things out, but if she doesn’t at least I’ll already have accepted it and started working on mending my heart.

My advice, I would talk to her friends and ask if there is anything you can do to win her back. Ask if they will help both of you uphold the permanent vows you made before God (regardless of whether it was in the Church or not). Ask them not to divide a married couple: "What God has joined together, no human being must separate.” (Mt 19:6). Remind them of your vows:

To have and to hold,
from this day forward,
for better, for worse,
for richer, for poorer,
in sickness and in health,
until death do us part.

Then, I would go to any rational friends your wife may have with the same requests. Ask them to speak to her OR speak to her with you. Get to counseling with a trusted third party (one who preferably believes in marriage).

Your wife may very well want space so she won’t have to be confronted with her actions and choices, which isn’t healthy for anyone.

 

[Irishmom2]

My advice, I would talk to her friends and ask if there is anything you can do to win her back. Ask if they will help both of you uphold the permanent vows you made before God (regardless of whether it was in the Church or not). Ask them not to divide a married couple: "What God has joined together, no human being must separate.” (Mt 19:6). Remind them of your vows:

To have and to hold,
from this day forward,
for better, for worse,
for richer, for poorer,
in sickness and in health,
until death do us part.

Then, I would go to any rational friends your wife may have with the same requests. Ask them to speak to her OR speak to her with you. Get to counseling with a trusted third party (one who preferably believes in marriage).

Your wife may very well want space so she won’t have to be confronted with her actions and choices, which isn’t healthy for anyone.

No. Don’t do this. Do not involve her friends.

 

[Caprotodox]

No. Don’t do this. Do not involve her friends.

I agree, I don’t think that would come off well. I think that would make matters worse, and make me look overly emotional and desperate.

John513 - I do appreciate your help and prayers. Thank you

The post states that none of the steps were taken except for step 4.

I believe that over years there is no way that the wife never spoke to OP seriously. Whether they went to counseling or not, someone who has been married for years and trying does not just leave. Counseling is not necessary to tell a person, hey that was disrespectful, or hey, I am tired of living like this or hey, why don’t you listen to me? If over years the wife tried, she probably simply gave up. Truthfully the OP admits that he didn’t listen to his wife so the unfairness goes both ways.

I simply wanted to encourage the OP to be more mindful and to know that things can get better and they will, but there is work to be done. Just saying that anything God put together, He can restore. Just saying that we all learn from our mistakes and that even though something seems unfair, Our Lord will move things for our good. (see Romans 8:28)

Sorry for any misunderstanding in what I was trying to convey.

We have not have not had a serious sit down conversation at all, other than the one that I had mentioned earlier when she left a month ago for a few days. During that conversation we specifically spoke about her wanting to feel more support from me in regards to her job, and what it would like for me to feel that I come first over her job. We also discussed how to raise kids. All the other stuff, we have not had a serious sit down discussion. There has not been any “don’t say that”, etc.

She is very passive, and she said she does not have any confidence, and I’m more aggressive when arguing (not cussing or insults), so I think our styles conflict and hurt conversation or potential conversation. That is something that I am currently working on. I also don’t deny that I have my faults (I need to work on being more humble, gentle, patient, kind, and a better listener/communicator), but this is not something that I am going own 100%. I am not going to say I am completely innocent, but I am also not completely at fault. I am a good guy, I am loving (or so I thought), loyal, trustworthy, hardworking, goal-oriented, disciplined, and honest.

We haven’t had any conversation since we last spoke over a week ago. At this point, I don’t know if she will ever contact me.

 

[john1513]

I get this is still new so proceed with caution and have patience. But I have known guys that have been waiting years for their wives to come back but their wives became so embedded in toxic friendships that they never got out. I would have a plan or at least a timetable. At some point (maybe two weeks, two months, etc.), if it seems like she’s not coming back or getting further away from you, you have to ask yourself: how can it possibly get any worse and what do you have to lose?

 

[LMU]

I’ll pray for you. Please pray for me.

I’m in a terrible spot right now in my marriage but unlike you I created this mess. I’m afraid my wife and I may be headed for divorce. Like you, I’ve turned my life over to Jesus, and I pray the rosary constantly. I also look back at my wedding day and know niether my wife nor I were truly in a state of grace and our marriage may not be valid. I badly want to save and renew our marriage but she’s been carrying on an affair and I can’t see any way out of this mess. I feel like any decision I make if I decide to take the lead in this would turn out bad. And I fear that I may not be putting enough trust in God. Or is God asking me to act. I don’t know.

Life has been awful this past year and a half. I’ve also tried to occupy my time with other things, and that has also angered my wife. She resents my sudden turn to practicing our faith. She chooses not to, although I believe God delivered a sign to her the other day. But not everyone acts on clear signs from God. I know I didn’t when it really mattered.

I’ve been taking antidepressants and that numbs the pain but doesn’t solve anything. We fight a lot. I’m at a loss and feel guilty, trapped and humiliated.

Not trying to hijack the thread. Just letting you know you aren’t the only one here going through this hell on earth. Keep faithful to God and pray for your wife. God bless you.

 

[Caprotodox]

I get this is still new so proceed with caution and have patience. But I have known guys that have been waiting years for their wives to come back but their wives became so embedded in toxic friendships that they never got out. I would have a plan or at least a timetable. At some point (maybe two weeks, two months, etc.), if it seems like she’s not coming back or getting further away from you, you have to ask yourself: how can it possibly get any worse and what do you have to lose?

I’ve been praying that good influences come into her life, that will provide good guidance that align to God’s will.

I haven’t had a conversation with her for almost 2 weeks. If I don’t hear by her by Saturday, then I’ll be reaching out to her on Sunday to find out what is going on. I need to know whether this is a fight that I should continue, or just move on with my life.

This will be the third week of marriage counseling where I will be attending on my own. I can’t keep up the expense of going, and I’m not sure if I see the point of continuing to go if she’s not willing to work on the marriage on her end. I can only do so much by myself.

I’ll pray for you. Please pray for me.

I’m in a terrible spot right now in my marriage but unlike you I created this mess. I’m afraid my wife and I may be headed for divorce. Like you, I’ve turned my life over to Jesus, and I pray the rosary constantly. I also look back at my wedding day and know niether my wife nor I were truly in a state of grace and our marriage may not be valid. I badly want to save and renew our marriage but she’s been carrying on an affair and I can’t see any way out of this mess. I feel like any decision I make if I decide to take the lead in this would turn out bad. And I fear that I may not be putting enough trust in God. Or is God asking me to act. I don’t know.

Life has been awful this past year and a half. I’ve also tried to occupy my time with other things, and that has also angered my wife. She resents my sudden turn to practicing our faith. She chooses not to, although I believe God delivered a sign to her the other day. But not everyone acts on clear signs from God. I know I didn’t when it really mattered.

I’ve been taking antidepressants and that numbs the pain but doesn’t solve anything. We fight a lot. I’m at a loss and feel guilty, trapped and humiliated.

Not trying to hijack the thread. Just letting you know you aren’t the only one here going through this hell on earth. Keep faithful to God and pray for your wife. God bless you.

Thank you, I’ll pray for your marriage as well.

 

[john1513]

I’ve been praying that good influences come into her life, that will provide good guidance that align to God’s will.

I haven’t had a conversation with her for almost 2 weeks. If I don’t hear by her by Saturday, then I’ll be reaching out to her on Sunday to find out what is going on. I need to know whether this is a fight that I should continue, or just move on with my life.

This will be the third week of marriage counseling where I will be attending on my own. I can’t keep up the expense of going, and I’m not sure if I see the point of continuing to go if she’s not willing to work on the marriage on her end. I can only do so much by myself.

Regarding the cost, your diocese may have a low-cost option.

I would encourage her to go to counseling with you because the problems that lead to this point will likely still be unaddressed and re-appear in future relationships. Maybe you can understand them together and reconcile.

I think the marriage vows are key. If someone thinks that marriage is just a temporary relationship, with no permanent vows, as most of society thinks, then the other spouse is facing a steep battle.