Obligation to pay for stepdad's funeral?

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My alcoholic stepdad (while taking care of my mom) has been living beyond his means all of his life including living in the wealthy Bay Area for over 20 years paying $3,000-$4,000 in rent while blowing through about $3 million in inherited wealth. He has never held a job for most of his life. In the past year, they relocated to cheaper area of CA, but got evicted. Out of charity and to avoid homelessness, I bought them a used Honda ($6K) and very old used RV ($3K) to live out on their fixed income. I really did not want to do that because I was enabling his behavior, but I did it more out of love of my mom. Both are in their mid-70’s and not in the best of health. When the time comes, I will be paying for my mom’s funeral costs (estimated to be $10K) with no questions asked. But based on my stepdad’s irresponsible behavior and my charity already exhibited towards him, I do not want to pay for his funeral when time comes even as I have the means to do so. I know it is not a sin to not pay for these expenses, but I am curious to know what other people who do in my situation. Thank you.
 
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Is he leaving you anything ? Just pay it out of that even if just mentally and also for your moms sake. Are there other family members you could ask ?
 
I would see if he has any other surviving family members that would be willing to pay for his funeral. If there is absolutely no one but you who will pay for it, well, remember that if you would choose to do something for him, it doesn’t have to be lavish, or expensive. It is a corporal work of mercy to bury the dead, and perhaps would be an even greater act of mercy for someone that you don’t hold a high regard for in life. I know it’s easy for me to say, being someone who is not in your situation, but it’s just something to think about.
 
What happens if he passes away before your mother? Will she try to pay for his funeral out of her very limited means?

I think (as others have suggested) that a very simple funeral can be arranged that will not be terribly expensive. You are not required to pay for his funeral, but it would be an act of charity for you to do so.

I don’t know what the situation is in California, but I know that in other states, counties and cities will often pay for funerals of those who are indigent.
 
Welcome, but sorry to hear of this. Does alcoholic, irresponsible step-dad have any family? Is he made in the image and likeness of God?

In either case, you might follow the example and advice given in the Book of Tobit.
 
He has no children and his family has long been deceased.
 
Thanks Little Lady. The costs for niches run about $4500 at least in CA, even as it the funeral mass may be cheap somewhere. Currently, they are living in the Sacramento region. This also raises another question. He wants a body burial when the time comes, not cremation. I am just frustrated because he has been living off others all his life and now I feel like am being taken advantage up by using my mom as a meal ticket at some level.
 
catholic47 said:
The costs for niches run about $4500 at least in CA, even as it the funeral mass may be cheap somewhere.
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There can not be a charge for the Mass. That would simony and would violate universal law of the Church.

Interment is not the Mass.

To purchase space in a Columbarium “niche” is more expensive than interment in a simple cremains plot at the Catholic cemetery. Talk to the cemetery. You may find one that will sell you a single plot where the remains of your mother and stepfather may be interned together (if you decide on caskets, some cemeteries allow one to be buried on top of another).
 
He has no family other than my mom and myself as a stepson. I feel I have already did my part in preventing them from becoming homeless by gifting them an RV and car and even fronting one month’s rent. I am at the end of my charitable compassion rope, so to speak. He has no care in the world about placing this responsibility on me. In addition, he is a college graduate and could easily have gotten some minimum wage job at the least, but is lazy to the point that he would have gone homeless along with my mom unless I stepped in at the last minute. So there is not any extenuating circumstances in this case sad to say. As such, I do not want to be on the hook to pay one more red cent.
 
Does “reasonable” mean choosing cremation even though he has expressed that he wants to be buried? Would “reasonable” funeral also mean the possibility of being buried separate from my mom because there may be single plots available at cheaper costs?
 
No halogirl. As a matter of fact, he will be leaving a $50K IRS bill, thousands of credit card bills, and a funeral bill.
 
Thank you Weserthy for offering your perspective. I appreciate it. Not sure what I will do, but this forum helps in my discernment process.
 
No. I will not be responsible for any of that, but if he dies first then my mom of limited means will be saddled with at least the IRS debt even though because CA is a community property state.
 
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My mom is of limited means and what she could contribute would negligible, especially with the IRS problem that he exclusively brought on himself and will have tethered her with, which includes deductions from a limited SS check. He is on Medicaid for the poor and I guess would qualify for what they call an “indigent” burial when the time comes. As such, I am really the only person that could realistically pay for his funeral expenses.
 
It is so hard isn’t it.

We have a very similar problem with our BIL and SIL.

We simply refuse to give them anymore money despite their poor circumstances. They refuse to work. We both work full time just to make repayments on our house.

They often use their child as a sympathy card and compare our kids experiences to theirs (private school, sports etc). No more. If they are choosing not to work (and to purchase expensive phones etc), continue to drink and make silly financial decisions then we won’t assist in anyway.

However I hate how cynical and jaded this makes me. I hate how fruatrated and used I feel. They take away any feelings of charity within me (toward them). I have no answers for you, but just writing to say I fully understand your dilemma.
 
I really feel your anger and pain over this situation. You have every right to feel as you do.

All I can answer is how I would take care of it. I would have him cremated and find the lowest cost means to dispose of his cremated remains. He has no right to demand any kind of burial he has not paid for. Taking care of a family member is the final act of charity we can give someone whether they deserve our help or not but we are under no obligation to spend large amounts on someone that didn’t even prepay for the plan he wanted.

It is also a charity to your mother whether she survives him or predeceases him. For her sake, I would do as I’ve stated. It’s up to you whether you tell him what your plans are. I’m sure he’d want all the bells and whistles. Too bad. You can take care of this in the way you feel he deserves since he didn’t bother…but…I would see to doing this final act.
 
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