Parent of a pregnant minor

[Nan_S]

I think it’s hard for a father not to see his daughter as anything but a child at 15, and therefore, de facto incapable of being a good mother to this child.

But going back to the archetype and reality of the best of mothers, the Blessed Virgrin Mary, she was just 15 I think when she gave birth to Jesus. Isn’t that commonly held?

May God’s Will be done in this matter. Let’s pray for all persons involved here.

BVM was a pregnant young teen when (1) she was already technically married, and (2) all young women were supposed to get married as teens and start having babies. Yes, 2,000 years ago there would have been no problem for this girl either… except for the “not even betrothed yet” part.

This young girl is barely out of 8th grade. Eighth grade! Trying to equate her with a teen who has a baby as a High School Senior is ridiculous. The difference in maturity between an 8th grader and a High School Senior is astronomical. She needs to have a chance to be a child herself and finish growing up. I guarantee that most of her teenage peers who get pregnant aren’t raising their kids either, only in their case it’s because they “fix the problem” before it becomes a real live baby they have to parent.

I hear everyone crying about the eevvviillll daddy who wants to ruin his kid’s life. I raised three kids of my own, and I know from hard experience that parenting a toddler is no picnic, even when married and finished with school. Yes, yes, I’m reading all the stories about babies who were kept by their young teen mothers and turned out OK. What about all the other babies who become victims of child abuse and wards of the foster care system - or die - because their high-school dropout parent (usually singular) isn’t mature enough to care for them?

I see people pointing fingers and calling him greedy. I don’t see anyone offering any ideas on how to pay for this child. He knows how much it costs to raise a baby. He knows his own personal financial situation better than anyone here. Can anyone give him some respect when he tells you how much he and his other children would have to sacrifice? Can you respect his longstanding efforts to save enough to get them started in their own lives without a crippling load of student loans? Or will you continue to sneer at him and tell him that he’s greedy, when a pair of childless adoptive parents who would not have to give up their futures are ready to take this baby into their hearts?

This father knows his child and his resources better than anyone else here. If he says his daughter is too immature to raise a baby, we need to respect his judgment. If he says that the only way he has to pay for this baby is to sacrifice his other children’s chance at an education past high school, we need to respect his judgment.

JohnPhilip, please contact Catholic Charities and get your family into pre-adoption counseling. Please work with the boy’s parents to make the best decision for both families. You have a strong ally in the boy’s mother and her own experience as an adoptee.

 

[jeannetherese]

Okay, here let’s do this. The other option:

"Childcare, hmm. Well my wife went back to work part time since all of the kids were in school. It was her choice, she really loves her job. My obviously untrustworthy daughter can be virtually schooled and stay home-alone-and take care of the baby. Not gonna’ happen, 1 baby per teen mother is quite enough. So my wife can just quit her job and take care of the baby, right? "

Actually, nowadays, high-school students bring their babies to school and place them in the nursery while attending classes. Even smaller towns have alternative schools with nurseries. There should be nor need for anyone to give up their job while your daughter finisher her schooling. Its normal for the moms to breastfeed on site.
Pregnancy aid services are funded by Catholics to help moms who wish to keep their children and will help to anything from diapers to cribs to high chairs and strollers-for free!
I hope that learning about many of the resources available to you and your wife and your daughter and your grandson/granddaughter will be reassuring.
Oftentimes, the alternative schools have connections to Running Start Progams which enable a high schooler to take their first two years of credits for free through their high school. -she has a year or two before this becomes a possibility, but with a bit of planning, she can have her child in first grade with two years of college to go.
Having raised children while putting myself through college, I can attest that it is doable-I always scheduled my classes to work with the primary school schedule.

"Now that childcare’s taken care of during school, what about the baby’s needs. Diapers, formula (don’t know if breast pumping would be an option at school), clothes, healthcare, etc. Well, my wife’s already quit her job so I can either pay for all of this, I always promised myself and my girls I’d help with their education, I didn’t want them to struggle and they’ve worked hard in school so they could go to good colleges. Too bad girls, I hear McDonalds is hiring! I need to cut into your college funds! My daughter can get a part time job (once she’s 16!) and take some responsibility. A part time job won’t cover it all. "

I understand that you are panicking and hope that our prayers and reassurance will help you take a rest to re-evaluate possibilities which were not yet known to you. Will the support services available, it is possible that your daughter will not need to work outside of the home during those early years and that she may continue her schooling while caring for her son or daughter.

"My daughter is soon to be a freshmen in high school, so 4 years of this. "

Ah, she must have entered her primary school a bit late. this should prove a blessing as she willhave those four years of alternative school assistance to help her with her childcare as she continues her education. If she is able to enter a running start program, she could have her Associates degree at age 19-or a vocational-technichal certificate if her career inclinations shift.

“Now she can either get a full-time job or go to college. The career she’s always dreamed of takes a minimum of 6 year, plus an internship. But let’s say she decides against this. It will be nearly impossible to find a job to support herself plus a child with nothing more than a high school diploma unless you’re perhaps an entrepreneur. Yes, it can be done, I know, I know, but humor me and say she goes to a community college, she can get a degree in 2 years, while working part time and grandma has the baby.”

Actually, she could go to night school or go to college online or do running start while her child is at an on site childcare facility. there are many more options available than there were back in the day when we were in college. And, of course, children often change their minds many times between age 14 and 20 about what they want to be when they grow up-and this normal.

“Now my wife has had this baby say 7 hours a day during school + 5 a day while my daughter works part time for 6 years. Well daughter graduated! It’s time for her to leave the nest. But my wife has been this child’s primary care giver for 6 years! Now my daughter, after 6 years of being mommy on weekends and a few hous a day is the primary care giver. How is this fair to the child? Is this really better? It’s a human, he/she can’t just be put on a shelf until my daughter is ready to parent. The child can be uprooted from the life he has known for 6 years? Would it not be better for the child to be adopted into a family of adults who already have an education and are prepared to give the child a stable life now, not when they finally get around to it? I don’t doubt it will be difficult on my daughter but again, my daughter put herself in this situation the child did not. So it seems to me like the top priority here is not to make my daughter happy but to do what is right for the baby.”

As you can see from the suggestions above, your daughter does not need to cede being the primary caregiver to her son or daughter. There is no need for the child to be uprooted from his or her environment. May God bless him or her and may He bless you and your wife and daughters as well.
Amen.

 

[maryjk]

Actually, nowadays, high-school students bring their babies to school and place them in the nursery while attending classes. Even smaller towns have alternative schools with nurseries. There should be nor need for anyone to give up their job while your daughter finisher her schooling. Its normal for the moms to breastfeed on site.

Maybe where you live. But our high school doesn’t have a nursery. Teen moms have to find daycare just like any other mom that isn’t at home. And there isn’t an “alternative school” around either.

Pregnancy aid services are funded by Catholics to help moms who wish to keep their children and will help to anything from diapers to cribs to high chairs and strollers-for free!
I hope that learning about many of the resources available to you and your wife and your daughter and your grandson/granddaughter will be reassuring.

Oftentimes, the alternative schools have connections to Running Start Progams which enable a high schooler to take their first two years of credits for free through their high school. -she has a year or two before this becomes a possibility, but with a bit of planning, she can have her child in first grade with two years of college to go.
Having raised children while putting myself through college, I can attest that it is doable-I always scheduled my classes to work with the primary school schedule.

No “Running start program” here either.

As you can see from the suggestions above, your daughter does not need to cede being the primary caregiver to her son or daughter. There is no need for the child to be uprooted from his or her environment. May God bless him or her and may He bless you and your wife and daughters as well.
Amen.

So, it may be, in your town, the high school is geared toward teen moms. But not all are.

Oh, and I don’t live in some small hick town. We are a college town of over 60,000 people.

 

[johnphilip1972]

Maybe where you live. But our high school doesn’t have a nursery. Teen moms have to find daycare just like any other mom that isn’t at home. And there isn’t an “alternative school” around either. No “Running start program” here either.
So, it may be, in your town, the high school is geared toward teen moms. But not all are.

Oh, and I don’t live in some small hick town. We are a college town of over 60,000 people.

Yeah, my kids go to a Catholic school and they don’t have a nursery. Neither do any of the local public schools. Nor do we have a “running start program” and I’ve done an internet search and don’t see any “alternative schools” in my area.

 

[johnphilip1972]

BVM was a pregnant young teen when (1) she was already technically married, and (2) all young women were supposed to get married as teens and start having babies. Yes, 2,000 years ago there would have been no problem for this girl either… except for the “not even betrothed yet” part.

This young girl is barely out of 8th grade. Eighth grade! Trying to equate her with a teen who has a baby as a High School Senior is ridiculous. The difference in maturity between an 8th grader and a High School Senior is astronomical. She needs to have a chance to be a child herself and finish growing up. I guarantee that most of her teenage peers who get pregnant aren’t raising their kids either, only in their case it’s because they “fix the problem” before it becomes a real live baby they have to parent.

I hear everyone crying about the eevvviillll daddy who wants to ruin his kid’s life. I raised three kids of my own, and I know from hard experience that parenting a toddler is no picnic, even when married and finished with school. Yes, yes, I’m reading all the stories about babies who were kept by their young teen mothers and turned out OK. What about all the other babies who become victims of child abuse and wards of the foster care system - or die - because their high-school dropout parent (usually singular) isn’t mature enough to care for them?

I see people pointing fingers and calling him greedy. I don’t see anyone offering any ideas on how to pay for this child. He knows how much it costs to raise a baby. He knows his own personal financial situation better than anyone here. Can anyone give him some respect when he tells you how much he and his other children would have to sacrifice? Can you respect his longstanding efforts to save enough to get them started in their own lives without a crippling load of student loans? Or will you continue to sneer at him and tell him that he’s greedy, when a pair of childless adoptive parents who would not have to give up their futures are ready to take this baby into their hearts?

This father knows his child and his resources better than anyone else here. If he says his daughter is too immature to raise a baby, we need to respect his judgment. If he says that the only way he has to pay for this baby is to sacrifice his other children’s chance at an education past high school, we need to respect his judgment.

JohnPhilip, please contact Catholic Charities and get your family into pre-adoption counseling. Please work with the boy’s parents to make the best decision for both families. You have a strong ally in the boy’s mother and her own experience as an adoptee.

Thank you, I appreciate this. We have a counselor from Catholic Charities coming to speak to my daughter Monday.

 

[FLCathMom]

our high school doesn’t have a nursery.

I don’t think it is at all common for a high school to have a nursery, but it is pretty standard at community colleges. If the OP’s daughter insists on keeping the baby, I think it may be best for her to study at home to pass the GED (if she is a good student she may be already able to pass it) and then go to community college where she will have access to daycare and other resources available to single mothers. By the time she is done with CC, the baby will be ready for preschool and mom can either transfer to a 4 year school or start working.

 

[otjm]

The laws are obviously in place for a reason, furthermore our actions have consequences. My daughter’s consequence is obviously growing under her t-shirt plus the pain of labor, why should he be free to walk away unscathed?

I can understand your anger (and it is apparent that anger is talking). I am not suggesting that anger is inappropriate; but it is a fairly poor filter for rational thinking. And rational thinking is going to have a far more positive impact on your entire family - including your future grandchild than what can result from anger being the source of your decisions.

Whether you like it or not, whether you approve it or not, your grandchild has a father. There is a strong likelihood that he may not prove to be much of a father - only time will tell.

You want him to pay - and that, too, is entirely understandable. But once past that issue, if that is the route you choose to pursue (and as noted, there may not be any such route due to possible laws which would prevent prosecution), there is the issue of his continuing responsibility for the support of your grandchild, and we are talking about the next 18 years, and possibly more depending on state law on child support and whether or not your grandchild chooses to go to college.

So you want him to pay (and I am all for individuals taking responsibility for their choices)? Then you need to get past the “punishment” approach and get into the “responsibility” approach.

And as a note: Let’s presume that you can get a district attorney to be interested in the case. One of the issues you will have to face is the fact that your daughter can be dragged in as a witness; one that for all immediate appearances is going to have the flight characteristics of a lead balloon. DA’s are notoriously disinterested in cases with seriously reluctant witnesses.

And assuming that you can get past that, there is the issue that the kid may get a good attorney, the case gets pleaded down to a minor charge (the likelihood was that it was consensual sex) and he gets probation.

And with this, you have accomplished — what? You vented your spleen; your daughter is now more disassociated from you, the risk of her taking “the easy way out” is increased, the criminal courts cannot impose domestic court sanctions (that is, child support), and you are going to be more angry then than you are now, because he “got off”.

Not a particularly productive path to pursue.

As far as her raising the child - as long as she does not take the emancipation route, you have at least some control over her time use. She obviously needs to finish school; she also obviously needs to parent this child.

And keep in mine that more than one child has been given up for adoption after birth.

Oh - and normally, the father also has to sign off on adoption - and depending on whether or not he has any character and backbone, that may or may not be easily accomplished.

A not entirely impossible scenario is that his folks take her in.

As I said, anger is entirely understandable. It is, however, a lousy filter for rational thought, and right now, the situation calls for cooler heads to prevail.

How you proceed from here on out is going to have a significant impact on all of your family and their intertwined relationships. Whether and to what extent your daughter is estranged from you, her siblings, and your wife 10, 20 30 or more years from now is likely to be dependent on how you handle this now and going forward.

 

[jeannetherese]

Yeah, my kids go to a Catholic school and they don’t have a nursery. Neither do any of the local public schools. Nor do we have a “running start program” and I’ve done an internet search and don’t see any “alternative schools” in my area.

If you are willing to provide a general idea of your location, it might be possible to find a few additional support options in your area.
May God bless you and your extended family.
Amen.

 

[Rau]

Okay, here let’s do this. The other option:

But Daddy! I wanna’ keep my baby! Okay sweetheart, whatever makes YOU happy! Because your happiness is all that is important in this world!

Childcare, hmm. Well my wife went back to work part time since all of the kids were in school. It was her choice, she really loves her job. My obviously untrustworthy daughter can be virtually schooled and stay home-alone-and take care of the baby. Not gonna’ happen, 1 baby per teen mother is quite enough. So my wife can just quit her job and take care of the baby, right?

Now that childcare’s taken care of during school, what about the baby’s needs. Diapers, formula (don’t know if breast pumping would be an option at school), clothes, healthcare, etc. Well, my wife’s already quit her job so I can either pay for all of this, I always promised myself and my girls I’d help with their education, I didn’t want them to struggle and they’ve worked hard in school so they could go to good colleges. Too bad girls, I hear McDonalds is hiring! I need to cut into your college funds! My daughter can get a part time job (once she’s 16!) and take some responsibility. A part time job won’t cover it all.

My daughter is soon to be a freshmen in high school, so 4 years of this. Now she can either get a full-time job or go to college. The career she’s always dreamed of takes a minimum of 6 year, plus an internship. But let’s say she decides against this. It will be nearly impossible to find a job to support herself plus a child with nothing more than a high school diploma unless you’re perhaps an entrepreneur. Yes, it can be done, I know, I know, but humor me and say she goes to a community college, she can get a degree in 2 years, while working part time and grandma has the baby.

Now my wife has had this baby say 7 hours a day during school + 5 a day while my daughter works part time for 6 years. Well daughter graduated! It’s time for her to leave the nest. But my wife has been this child’s primary care giver for 6 years! Now my daughter, after 6 years of being mommy on weekends and a few hous a day is the primary care giver. How is this fair to the child? Is this really better? It’s a human, he/she can’t just be put on a shelf until my daughter is ready to parent. The child can be uprooted from the life he has known for 6 years? Would it not be better for the child to be adopted into a family of adults who already have an education and are prepared to give the child a stable life now, not when they finally get around to it? I don’t doubt it will be difficult on my daughter but again, my daughter put herself in this situation the child did not. So it seems to me like the top priority here is not to make my daughter happy but to do what is right for the baby.

How long ago did your daughter, and you, learn about the pregnancy? May we know what your daughter’s current thoughts on her options are?

 

[maryjk]

I don’t think it is at all common for a high school to have a nursery, but it is pretty standard at community colleges. If the OP’s daughter insists on keeping the baby, I think it may be best for her to study at home to pass the GED (if she is a good student she may be already able to pass it) and then go to community college where she will have access to daycare and other resources available to single mothers. By the time she is done with CC, the baby will be ready for preschool and mom can either transfer to a 4 year school or start working.

There is an age minimum for the GED. So she would have to wait until she was of age to test.

In addition, the father (OP) doesn’t trust leaving his daughter at home all day, while everyone else is away. As he said, one child per unmarried mother is enough. So, I don’t know that a home study course is the best option.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Okay, here let’s do this. The other option:

But Daddy! I wanna’ keep my baby! Okay sweetheart, whatever makes YOU happy! Because your happiness is all that is important in this world!

Childcare, hmm. Well my wife went back to work part time since all of the kids were in school. It was her choice, she really loves her job. My obviously untrustworthy daughter can be virtually schooled and stay home-alone-and take care of the baby. Not gonna’ happen, 1 baby per teen mother is quite enough. So my wife can just quit her job and take care of the baby, right?

Now that childcare’s taken care of during school, what about the baby’s needs. Diapers, formula (don’t know if breast pumping would be an option at school), clothes, healthcare, etc. Well, my wife’s already quit her job so I can either pay for all of this, I always promised myself and my girls I’d help with their education, I didn’t want them to struggle and they’ve worked hard in school so they could go to good colleges. Too bad girls, I hear McDonalds is hiring! I need to cut into your college funds! My daughter can get a part time job (once she’s 16!) and take some responsibility. A part time job won’t cover it all.

My daughter is soon to be a freshmen in high school, so 4 years of this. Now she can either get a full-time job or go to college. The career she’s always dreamed of takes a minimum of 6 year, plus an internship. But let’s say she decides against this. It will be nearly impossible to find a job to support herself plus a child with nothing more than a high school diploma unless you’re perhaps an entrepreneur. Yes, it can be done, I know, I know, but humor me and say she goes to a community college, she can get a degree in 2 years, while working part time and grandma has the baby.

Now my wife has had this baby say 7 hours a day during school + 5 a day while my daughter works part time for 6 years. Well daughter graduated! It’s time for her to leave the nest. But my wife has been this child’s primary care giver for 6 years! Now my daughter, after 6 years of being mommy on weekends and a few hous a day is the primary care giver. How is this fair to the child? Is this really better? It’s a human, he/she can’t just be put on a shelf until my daughter is ready to parent. The child can be uprooted from the life he has known for 6 years? Would it not be better for the child to be adopted into a family of adults who already have an education and are prepared to give the child a stable life now, not when they finally get around to it? I don’t doubt it will be difficult on my daughter but again, my daughter put herself in this situation the child did not. So it seems to me like the top priority here is not to make my daughter happy but to do what is right for the baby.

You can’t be serious. :banghead:

You’re worried about dipping into a college fund? Do you really think that the choice is between your daughter giving up her baby and your other children working at McDonald’s. You know what, I’m in a lot of student loan debt. I would not knock off a cent of it, or even every last cent of it, if it meant losing one of my nieces. Nope. I would keep my brother’s children in my family regardless of the debt.

My mother was a very poor, single mother. No, she wasn’t a teenager, and yes, she was married when she got pregnant. But her alcoholic abusive husband became too much and she had to leave when I was born. My grandmother provided my mom with a saintly amount of help when I was growing up-and yes, there were times that I LIVED with my grandmother because my mom had to work and couldn’t afford childcare. (I always went home on my mom’s days off). This did not scar me for life, uproot me, or traumatize me in any way. All it did was mean that I was lucky enough to have a very close relationship with both my mom and grandma, and benefit from the wisdom of both generations.

My mom struggled mentally, emotionally, and financially in large part because she had me to raise. Sometimes, we couldn’t afford to keep the electricity on, or eat anything more than eggs and bread or beans and rice. But I never felt as though I was unloved or unwanted. Quite the contrary, I knew that she worked so hard and had so many struggles precisely because she loved me more than anything.

I love my mom, I loved my childhood, and I wouldn’t trade anything about it. I grew up knowing what a strong, loving, supportive family that sticks together looks like. If you stand by her daughter, you will be showing your daughter, her siblings, and your grandchild what it means to have a family like that. And trust me, there is no greater gift that you could give them.

 

[Nan_S]

I don’t think it is at all common for a high school to have a nursery, but it is pretty standard at community colleges. If the OP’s daughter insists on keeping the baby, I think it may be best for her to study at home to pass the GED (if she is a good student she may be already able to pass it) and then go to community college where she will have access to daycare and other resources available to single mothers. By the time she is done with CC, the baby will be ready for preschool and mom can either transfer to a 4 year school or start working.

The 15-year-old girl in this case just finished 8th grade. She hasn’t even started learning the essential things she needs to know to pass the GED.

At 15 she’s already a year behind in school. That doesn’t speak too well to her being a “good student” who can successfully self-study at home. Having a baby to support and care for care for isn’t going to help accelerate her schooling.

 

[FLCathMom]

At 15 she’s already a year behind in school. That doesn’t speak too well to her being a “good student” who can successfully self-study at home.

I didn’t see where it was mentioned that she is behind in school. She could have started late. My son is a year older than most kids in his class and is a very good student- he was a bit immature as a young child, so we held off. I never said she should self-study. Having her be tutored would probably cost a lot less than Catholic school. There is a way to get a GED waiver for a 16 year old to take the test.

All this is pointless if OP is not willing to have his daughter stay home alone all day which I did not realize.

 

[johnphilip1972]

The 15-year-old girl in this case just finished 8th grade. She hasn’t even started learning the essential things she needs to know to pass the GED.

At 15 she’s already a year behind in school. That doesn’t speak too well to her being a “good student” who can successfully self-study at home. Having a baby to support and care for care for isn’t going to help accelerate her schooling.

Her being a year behind was due to an illness that caused her to miss quite a lot of days in primary school, that was in no way her fault.

 

[Nan_S]

Her being a year behind was due to an illness that caused her to miss quite a lot of days in primary school, that was in no way her fault.

I apologize for prejudging her. I worry that childbirth and trying to raise a baby could cause her to fall even further behind.

My experience with “held back” students has been because of learning difficulties and failing grades. Holding them back helped, but it didn’t turn rebellious attitudes and poor study habits into good ones.

I’m glad your daughter isn’t one of them.

 

[Mary2014]

Johnphilip:

Why did you let an eighth grader date a high school senior? It seems to be asking for trouble. What were you thinking?

 

[johnphilip1972]

Johnphilip:

Why did you let an eighth grader date a high school senior? It seems to be asking for trouble. What were you thinking?

I didn’t LET her date anyone. I would never give a 15 year old permission to date anyone and she knew this. I don’t imagine she cared nor did she agree but she certainly knew.

 

[SpidersfromMars]

Johnphilip:

Why did you let an eighth grader date a high school senior? It seems to be asking for trouble. What were you thinking?

Why do you assume that he let her?

Edit: I rest my case.

 

[allycat10]

Johnphilip:

Why did you let an eighth grader date a high school senior? It seems to be asking for trouble. What were you thinking?

This is a good question that hasn’t been asked yet.

 

[bitterhope]

Well, obviously Catholic school tuition isn’t buying much, and that tuition will more than likely pay for all things baby without much trouble. Even if your daughter doesn’t breastfeed, she automatically qualifies for WIC and that covers formula, and later juice and baby food. She should go on it now because she will get food herself during pregnancy, and if she breastfeeds will continue to get food for a year. As soon as baby is born he/she will start getting supplements. She may qualify for food stamps and Medicaid. She may qualify soon for financial assistance as well. She can get clothes, diapers, supplies for free from abortion alternative centers. There are tons of options. Why not send her to a maternity home? There are many throughout the country and many allow the moms and babies to stay for several months after the birth. They can help her get set up in permanent housing if you don’t want her staying at home with the baby–which I might add is a huge mistake. They can also help her with parenting skills, financial planning/home economics, provide her with school on site, provide child care. And they will help her with making a decision to keep her baby or place it for adoption. They provide transport to and from medical appointments and everything else.

You know, often time open adoptions are harder on moms than traditional closed adoptions. For many, seeing what they are missing and hearing their baby call someone else mom kills them inside. It’s so much harder that some moms even change from opened to closed.

Also, have you talked to her school? Most (if not all) Catholic schools will not allow pregnant students to continue in classes. It’s my major pet peeve with Catholic schools actually. If the girls told no one and aborted they would continue in class. The fathers get to continue in class. But mom is kicked out at least temporarily until baby is born if not permanently. So before you start paying her tuition for next year make sure she will even be able to attend. And hey, that frees up money for baby!

And yes, I agree with ftp–it is natural for a mom to keep her baby with her.