Parents role in a situation

[PetraG]

There are two ways to approach this:

This behaviour is wrong and we won’t allow it.
This behaviour might lead to problems and we need to discuss it with you (as adults).

Which do you think has the best chance of success?

What age group are you talking about? This is forbidden for your 16 year old, but when the older sister is 19, it is OK for her? It is not OK to say you don’t want to be roommates with someone who gets wasted and that if they want to sleep with their boyfriend before marriage they need a different roommate? Why, if your friends could draw that line with you, should your parents not be able to draw that line? Or are you saying you would ditch any friends who would dare to say they don’t want to live with you if you did that stuff? Given that choice, you’d lose the friends? Really? Because they’re only willing to tolerate that if you’re not living with them?

If Mom and Dad like to go out and tie one on, then they don’t have a leg to stand on. I don’t think anybody ought to be forced to have roommates who exhibit self-destructive behavior that they don’t engage in themselves, though. Who would blame the adult child, if they didn’t want to live at home because their parent or parents did those things? If the observant Catholic adult child were living in the same house with Mom and Mom was in the habit of sleeping over at her boyfriend’s house, would we really say that she ought to feel she needs to tolerate that? I don’t think so, sorry.

 

[QwertyGirl]

Or are you saying you would ditch any friends who would dare to say they don’t want to live with you if you did that stuff?

Yes. I think that is it. Most people (roomates) will say what they wont tolerate within the residence. If a potential roomate wants to set those boundaries for outside of the residence, that is a huge red flag. I would never share a household with someone who felt entitled to do that.

 

[PetraG]

Yes. I think that is it. Most people (roomates) will say what they wont tolerate within the residence. If a potential roomate wants to set those boundaries for outside of the residence, that is a huge red flag. I would never share a household with someone who felt entitled to do that.

Good. If she feels that way, she should move out, then.
I’m saying that if her parents were the ones living with her, I think that’s what they would do. They shouldn’t have less say about what they want in a roommate just because they happen to own the house. Some people feel that they don’t care what their roommates do, provided they do it somewhere else. but not everybody feels that way and there is no reason they ought to feel they need to. (In my experience, by the way, people don’t really talk that way about things that really bother them. They talk that way about things in the “I don’t happen to approve of it” category, not the “I find that totally repugnant” category.)

 

[QwertyGirl]

In my experience, by the way, people don’t really talk that way about things that really bother them. They talk that way about things in the “I don’t happen to approve of it” category, not the “I find that totally repugnant” category

Clearly, we dont travel in the same circles!

 

[PetraG]

Clearly, we dont travel in the same circles!

That’s OK, too.
Really! Some of my siblings had to move out of my parents house earlier, either the first chance they got or not long after that, and some stayed around until they married. The reason was that some were ready to make their own rules and some were fine with the rules at home, which happened to be the rules they would make for themselves, anyway. No, you’re not staying at home if you’re spending nights at your girlfriends’. Once out of the house, though, our parents didn’t ask about that kind of thing. I think we grew up knowing what was acceptable in that home and what wasn’t, regardless of age.
I don’t believe people would stick around with roommates who did things they really found repugnant or self-destructive. It’s just too hard to watch. People put up with more in those they socialize with occasionally, but nobody needs that in their own home or wants that in a roommate.

 

[BearingCross]

Pardon me for sounding like an ignoramus, but since when has it been the policy of the Catholic community to make people accept rules purely for the reason that it is accepted practice for the majority of people???

Exposing this young woman to the rigors of modern industrial economics would certainly show her the error of at least some of her ways. However, I believe we should also take into account this person’s individual circumstances. Is it reasonable to restrict the freedom of young Catholic women and STILL expect them to remain emotionally available for Catholic men???

 

[Wozza]

Wozza:

There are two ways to approach this:

This behaviour is wrong and we won’t allow it.
This behaviour might lead to problems and we need to discuss it with you (as adults).

Which do you think has the best chance of success?

What age group are you talking about? This is forbidden for your 16 year old, but when the older sister is 19, it is OK for her? It is not OK to say you don’t want to be roommates with someone who gets wasted and that if they want to sleep with their boyfriend before marriage they need a different roommate? Why, if your friends could draw that line with you, should your parents not be able to draw that line? Or are you saying you would ditch any friends who would dare to say they don’t want to live with you if you did that stuff? Given that choice, you’d lose the friends? Really? Because they’re only willing to tolerate that if you’re not living with them?

If Mom and Dad like to go out and tie one on, then they don’t have a leg to stand on. I don’t think anybody ought to be forced to have roommates who exhibit self-destructive behavior that they don’t engage in themselves, though. Who would blame the adult child, if they didn’t want to live at home because their parent or parents did those things? If the observant Catholic adult child were living in the same house with Mom and Mom was in the habit of sleeping over at her boyfriend’s house, would we really say that she ought to feel she needs to tolerate that? I don’t think so, sorry.

I bracketed ‘adults’ because the discussion is about an adult. But the principle is applicable to all ages. There are obviously times when the person is too young to appreciate the possible negative outcomes but once they can, surely the best approach is to have a conversation about it rather than a blanket ban. And a sixteen year old may well take a more mature attitude to these type of discussions than a nineteen year old. Putting a chronological limit on it is nonsensical. (Edit: reversed the ages so the argument made sense).

And I don’t get the reasoning behind the telling the woman she should leave home. Is it a threat? My way or the highway? What would a responsible parent tell a child that was experimenting with drugs? Effectively do it elsewhere? Yeah, that’ll help a lot…

As has been said, house rules are rules for the house. So don’t smoke dope in your bedroom. Don’t bring your boyfriend over if we’re away for the weekend. Don’t come home drunk. Which is not to say that those things are acceptable outside the house. But if you’re going to tell an adult that she she can’t consider your house as a home because she doesn’t follow your moral code then that’s a fast track to estrangement. The only way you’ll see the grandkids is on Instagram.

 

[Jen95]

Why are you on the Catholic forum when you are arguing positions against Catholic teaching? (i.e. that sex outside marriage isn’t necessarily wrong).

 

[ConcernedConvert]

It is our duty, especially as parents, to lead our children to Christ and instruct them to make right moral decisions. If she doesn’t want to hear it. She should move out.

 

[PennyinCanada]

I think many of us Catholics on here know that there have been 60 million abortions in the US and counting. This is not good for individuals, certainly not good for babies who have died, and it’s a blight on a nation.

60 million abortions can read like a modern parable.
If a person decides that taking on risk of pregnancy is a risk worth taking, that is the slow motion train wreck of their own making. It impacts other people, it impacts a nation. Catholics who promote chastity for single persons are a small voice of reason in this world full of noise. Like a voice crying in the desert.

 

[TheLittleLady]

f a parent insists that sex outside marriage IS destructive behaviour then they’d be wrong.

They would be right according to our Faith. All sin is destructive behaviour. The destruction may be something that can be repaired, however, it is always going to leave a scar, a trace of that destruction. There is no such thing as a benign sin.

 

[TheLittleLady]

Same here. My friends, family and I respect each other. We have discussions, sometimes heated discussions, and still love and respect each other.

 

[PennyinCanada]

And I don’t get the reasoning behind the telling the woman she should leave home. Is it a threat? My way or the highway? What would a responsible parent tell a child that was experimenting with drugs? Effectively do it elsewhere? Yeah, that’ll help a lot…

I appreciate that you are talking strategy in a difficult situation. How can a parent, looking long term, manage a difficult issue today. I love discussing strategy because we are marathoners in the faith, eyes looking long term, and today. It’s difficult.
I think often when this situation is happening, a parent is concerned with younger children in the home watching this play out. A parent needs the wisdom of Solomon to navigate these tough times. My heart goes out to them.

 

[PennyinCanada]

A friend of mine told me how her 30 something grandson was finally getting married. When I brought up great grandkids her reply was that ‘Oh no. They won’t be having children with each other. Between the two of them they have seven children with other partners. This is their first marriage for both of them though.’

Lawyers, child support, children growing up with their dad living elsewhere. Trouble, heartache. Struggle. The family fractured.
There are no regrets following God for family life.

 

[PetraG]

I bracketed ‘adults’ because the discussion is about an adult. But the principle is applicable to all ages. There are obviously times when the person is too young to appreciate the possible negative outcomes but once they can, surely the best approach is to have a conversation about it rather than a blanket ban. And a sixteen year old may well take a more mature attitude to these type of discussions than a nineteen year old. Putting a chronological limit on it is nonsensical. (Edit: reversed the ages so the argument made sense).

And I don’t get the reasoning behind the telling the woman she should leave home. Is it a threat? My way or the highway? What would a responsible parent tell a child that was experimenting with drugs? Effectively do it elsewhere? Yeah, that’ll help a lot…

As has been said, house rules are rules for the house. So don’t smoke dope in your bedroom. Don’t bring your boyfriend over if we’re away for the weekend. Don’t come home drunk. Which is not to say that those things are acceptable outside the house. But if you’re going to tell an adult that she she can’t consider your house as a home because she doesn’t follow your moral code then that’s a fast track to estrangement. The only way you’ll see the grandkids is on Instagram.

Well, no, I think that anybody with the means ought to be able to choose their roommates based on any criteria that they want. When you’re an adult child and you want autonomy, that’s fine, but you don’t have the standing to take your parents’ autonomy away from them. What they want in a roommate is up to them. The parents aren’t going to put a 16 year old out; they have a responsibility to shelter a child who is still that young. Once you’re old enough to have your own household, though, well, if you want different household rules you make your own household.

This is not the same as butting out of your adult child’s choices when your adult child isn’t also your roommate. I realize that some people really do not care what their roommates–relative or not and regardless of who is paying for the shelter–are up to when they’re not literally in the house, but that doesn’t mean that it is inappropriate to care who you set up housekeeping with or what their moral code is. It is OK to care about that. It is OK to choose roommates who share your values and to choose not to have ones who don’t.

Sometimes, mutual respect requires a little distance. There is nothing wrong with recognizing that. I think that out of respect an adult child who has significantly different morals than her parents ought to start her own household. (And let’s face it: if it weren’t for needing that autonomy, a lot of single people who consider themselves adults would never leave home.)

 

[Norseman82]

Hopefully, one of their priorities is to help their child get an education so that they can succeed in life.

Their first priority is to help them get to heaven. Everything else needs to be seen through that lens.

 

[Annie]

If a parent insists that sex outside marriage IS destructive behaviour then they’d be wrong

From a non-Catholic point of view, this is kind of like saying it would be wrong to insist to your children that drunk driving is destructive behavior.

The thing about drunk driving is it seems innocuous, especially when you’ve had a few, because it turns out badly only sometimes. The problem is the potential for it to turn out very badly.

I know people who have driven over the limit and never so much as scratched their car or gotten a ticket. The fact that you know people who have never noticed or experienced any bad effects of having sex is equally anecdotal.

Would I be wrong to forbid my adult child to never drive my car after drinking?

 

[PennyinCanada]

The boyfriend, what is his situation? Does he also live at home or does he have a place of his own? If at home, would his parents be ok with a girlfriend sleeping over?

 

[rosejmj]

So you wouldn’t let the daughter live at home because when she was outside the house she may have slept with her boyfriend. It makes total sense to not let her boyfriend sleep at the parents house with her but why is it their business what she does outside if she isnt damaging their property. They don’t have to take any responsibility for any of the consequences that may result from sex

 

[Wozza]

Wozza:

If a parent insists that sex outside marriage IS destructive behaviour then they’d be wrong

From a non-Catholic point of view, this is kind of like saying it would be wrong to insist to your children that drunk driving is destructive behavior.

The thing about drunk driving is it seems innocuous, especially when you’ve had a few, because it turns out badly only sometimes. The problem is the potential for it to turn out very badly.

I know people who have driven over the limit and never so much as scratched their car or gotten a ticket. The fact that you know people who have never noticed or experienced any bad effects of having sex is equally anecdotal.

Would I be wrong to forbid my adult child to never drive my car after drinking?

No. And if you think that sex outside marriage is equally as dangerous then you should forbid that as well. So if your daughter and her boyfriend go away for a couple of days before their wedding then you should most definitely insist that under no circumstances is she allowed to sleep with him.