Relationship HELP

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excaliber

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I am in a relationship that started WAY to fast, we started talking online and had some major things in common. Then we started talking on the phone a lot…and somehow basicly the dating began
it was so fast and she got realy attached and so did her kids.
I just went with the flow, being to nice I guess.
She talked about marriage and talking like Im her kids dad.

I like her and the kids, she is fun to TALK to and she is realy nice.
The problem is I am not sexualy
attracted to her AT ALL. She has the OPPOSITE body tipe. So when she is talking romantic I can’t get into it…or when she wants a kiss…I realy don’t want to.

I try telling her things to wear, but she dosent realy listen. Even if she did she simply has the opposite body type that I find attractive.

I couldn’t tell on the computer, and she lived in another state so by the time we saw eachother we had been talking and was envolved already…and I thought mabey she can change it, or mabey I will feel attracted if she changes her style in clothes. but it isn’t working. Basicly she is over weight …AND is built like a square.

I need help…what do I tell her?
I already told her I wanted to just be friends, and she was crying and I felt so bad. before that I tried walking with her, I even told her I would go to the gym and work out to look as good as I can for her.
but she is just not motivated and will just sit on the couch.

We would be GREAT friends, but sexualy I am not attracted to her at all.

HELP!!!

any ideas on outfits that look good on big square shaped women would help. I would try anything at this point. but I don’t think this is going to work. and I don’t want to hurt her feelings and just tell her that there is NO sexual attraction.

And I mean Im no more attracted to her then my own sister.
I do exercises right in front of her to give her a hint and she just watches me.

Its not fair because she told me she liked to be active like me. she told me she would run races with me, and I thought we would have so much fun…but she just stays on the couch.

what do I do?
 
*I would end the relationship. Not sure why she became so attached and her kids too, so quickly…but you can’t allow her attachment to become a reason to stay. If you are nowhere near feeling the same way about her, just kindly end it. I think that for some couples who don’t have instant chemistry, that sometimes, time can help. But, there’s something about your post here, that I don’t think you’re all that into her, and that the whole thing moved quicker than you would have liked. Be honest with her, that you’d either a) like to slow way down or b) you’d like to just be friends. It’s only fair to her also, to be honest.

Hope it works out, whatever you choose. *
 
PS–As an aside, just a helpful tip on dating women with children. I wouldn’t meet someone’s children, until you’re SURE it’s progressing romantically and that you could envision having a life with the person. She shouldn’t have introduced her kids to you so quickly, frankly. 😦 Breaking one heart is one thing, breaking several little hearts, that’s probably what is weighing on you. Just a word to the wise…don’t meet a woman’s kids and hang out with them so often, until you’re sure she could be ‘‘the one.’’ :o
 
*Oh, I just saw that you told her you want to be just friends, and she started crying. I think that if someone hasn’t been dating someone for all that long, (and I imagine you’re not telling her you love her from the sounds of your first post) and is that upset over a breakup…that’s a red flag. I feel badly for her, she probably is lonely and looking for someone to love her. You are looking for love too, but you can’t force it. It has to flow naturally…and it isn’t with her, it sounds like. Frankly, just from the sounds of it, doesn’t sound like you both even know one another that long, which makes me think that she is falling a little too fast, all things considered. Although, maybe you’re just that charming. ;)😛 j/k Adding some humor here, or trying to.

My advice would be to remain friends…only you know the full situation, but that’s my advice. *
 
Kind of a cautionary note on dating websites. She mentally bonded with you online and on the phone. You had no idea what she looked like. (Shouldn’t you have exchanged photos or something? Were her photos completely dishonest?)

I agree, children should not be brought into it until both parties are sure there is some chance of it being serious. (And yes, I think kids should get a vote sort of on who joins their family, unless you want more stress).

Having said that, she probably hasn’t had too many relationships since her own breakup with the father of her kids. You’re adding a level of rejection on her that may be opening up old wounds.

Be very careful.

Telling her you’re breaking up with her because she’s fat and doesn’t exercise makes you look shallow and probably won’t help her state of mind.

She probably knows she is overweight. She doesn’t need you telling her.

And if you haven’t known each other very long, telling her how to dress is out of bounds.

I suggest you put down that only thin women need apply on your online profile. Be honest up front.

Weight loss is always a possibility. Men who haven’t had kids don’t know how hard that can be.

If you see no future, be honest. Set her free to find someone who will appreciate a really nice woman who is fun to talk to, and while she may not have a perfect figure, probably wouldn’t be too hung up on his imperfections either.

By the way, if you find Miss Size 3 and marry her and she has a few kids, you are not guaranteed she will stay a size 3. Will you nag and hint and suggest ways for her to dress too? Or will you tell her you aren’t sexually attracted to her anymore?

There are no guarantees in life. Be very careful in your quest for a wife with the attitude you have now. 😉
 
Been there, done that, and she’s not being honest with you, just wants to find a replacement Dad and doesn’t have any desire to do the work on herself which is obvious. If she cannot take care of herself, how can she take care of her man as well? With the weight “excuses” we get bombared with these days, it’s simply amazing how many so called diseases or disorders women tend to use as a crutch these days, super amazing how they all coincided with the growing rate of obesity, and how 100 years ago, those myriad of diseases and excuses simply were not there…

Being a stepdad is very, very hard, the kids will always try to break up the couple because they feel you are competing for moms affections, it’s a dynamic that is always the case. She also needs to be dating guys that have compatible body types with her, not shooting for something that’s clearly lopsided. You aren’t going for the super model type, which I’m sure you are not, it’s the same difference.

There are many women, especially the older you get, that have already established a family, then divorced for what ever reason, and now expect some new guy to pick up the pieces. It’s not fair for us to have to do that, it’s also something they should really think about before getting that initial divorce, for too often it’s never justified, just inconvenient to work through the marriage problems.

Bottom line, you are being sucked in to someone elses problems, you are under no obligation to continue the relationship at all, mutual physical chemistry absolutely must be there or it’s doomed to failure no matter how hard you try to make it work, it just won’t.
 
Liberanosamalo said:
Kind of a cautionary note on dating websites. She mentally bonded with you online and on the phone. You had no idea what she looked like. (Shouldn’t you have exchanged photos or something? Were her photos completely dishonest?)

I agree, children should not be brought into it until both parties are sure there is some chance of it being serious. (And yes, I think kids should get a vote sort of on who joins their family, unless you want more stress).

Having said that, she probably hasn’t had too many relationships since her own breakup with the father of her kids. You’re adding a level of rejection on her that may be opening up old wounds.

Be very careful.

Telling her you’re breaking up with her because she’s fat and doesn’t exercise makes you look shallow and probably won’t help her state of mind.

She probably knows she is overweight. She doesn’t need you telling her.

And if you haven’t known each other very long, telling her how to dress is out of bounds.

I suggest you put down that only thin women need apply on your online profile. Be honest up front.

Weight loss is always a possibility. Men who haven’t had kids don’t know how hard that can be.

If you see no future, be honest. Set her free to find someone who will appreciate a really nice woman who is fun to talk to, and while she may not have a perfect figure, probably wouldn’t be too hung up on his imperfections either.

By the way, if you find Miss Size 3 and marry her and she has a few kids, you are not guaranteed she will stay a size 3. Will you nag and hint and suggest ways for her to dress too? Or will you tell her you aren’t sexually attracted to her anymore?

There are no guarantees in life. Be very careful in your quest for a wife with the attitude you have now. 😉
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Who said anything about size 3?
Basicly if you are not attracted sexualy to someone…you don’t marry them. its not anymore complicated then that.
I don’t think every man is atracted to every woman.

Her pictures were so close up I couldn’t tell. And I am not very picky so I didn’t think it was very important.
…but then when we are together, I can’t feel sexual aroused. I like her and I love those kids. I just thought that mabey over time I would feel different and it has been a few months and she is very romantic and wants me to be very romantic, but I have to force it.

I just thought I wanted to wait and see if I developed feelings in a sexual way.
 
Run away now. She needs to raise her kids before she brings in a new daddy.
 
whatevergirl said:
*Oh, I just saw that you told her you want to be just friends, and she started crying. I think that if someone hasn’t been dating someone for all that long, (and I imagine you’re not telling her you love her from the sounds of your first post) and is that upset over a breakup…that’s a red flag. I feel badly for her, she probably is lonely and looking for someone to love her. You are looking for love too, but you can’t force it. It has to flow naturally…and it isn’t with her, it sounds like. Frankly, just from the sounds of it, doesn’t sound like you both even know one another that long, which makes me think that she is falling a little too fast, all things considered. Although, maybe you’re just that charming. ;)😛 j/k Adding some humor here, or trying to.

My advice would be to remain friends…only you know the full situation, but that’s my advice. *
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Yea she is always upset, she has problems with people everywhere she goes…I don’t know why.
But she was always angry and never communicated. and finaly I said lets just be friends and we can still hangout and I can still see the kids. I thought we would be good friends. and for a few days I felt free, she wasent calling me everynight…and I felt good like it was over and she could find someone else. then a few days later she called me and was crying and everything. I just didn’t know what to do, so now we are together again, and she seems like she is just gona ignore my obvious problems with being romantic.

Im just hoping I don’t have to tell her I don’t feel attracted to her. she has been through a lot, I hope we can still be friends.
 
You can’t be friends.

Women don’t work that way.

Be a gentleman and end it.
 
I agree… you really need to set this nice lady free. She deserves to be loved for who she is. That’s no insult on you. I agree that you really need at least a little physical attraction.

Please don’t suggest a different manner of dress to her. Quite honestly that is cruel and unfair to her. She shouldn’t have to change herself to fit your standards.
 
You are doing more harm than good here. You need to tell her how you feel. PERIOD. You are not sexually attracted to her. Spit the words out. That doesnt mean she isnt a great person. I doubt you can even have a friendship. It would be too painful for her. Do everyone a favor, quit leading her on and break it off. Say a prayer asking for help annd do it. Then pray for her acceptance. :cool:
 
Kage, as someone who is waiting till the kids are older to date, I understand your post. But the unfairness of it all is that no one would tell a man to wait till he has raised his kids before he dates.
 
To the OP, you don’t say if she was married, never married, or has a decree of nullity.

She may not even be eligible for you to be dating.
 
excaliber said:
Yea she is always upset, she has problems with people everywhere she goes…I don’t know why.
But she was always angry and never communicated. and finaly I said lets just be friends and we can still hangout and I can still see the kids. I thought we would be good friends. and for a few days I felt free, she wasent calling me everynight…and I felt good like it was over and she could find someone else. then a few days later she called me and was crying and everything. I just didn’t know what to do, so now we are together again, and she seems like she is just gona ignore my obvious problems with being romantic.

Im just hoping I don’t have to tell her I don’t feel attracted to her. she has been through a lot, I hope we can still be friends.
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*I used to tell guys ‘let’s just be friends,’ back in college days. A guy finally told me one day…‘that basically means, I don’t want to go out with you…just say that the next time, don’t tell a guy you want to be his friend.’ For what it’s worth…you really don’t like her romantically, that’s fine…and it would be better to be honest and say…‘I don’t see us being romantically involved.’ I don’t think you should hang out as friends, especially with her kids…kids interpret things very differently…if they already look at you as a daddy figure, they won’t understand that you and their mom are ‘just friends.’

End it…and move on. You can be kind about it, but it’s best to be honest with a woman, than tell her…let’s be friends…like men, some women can get their hopes up, if you are not up front and honest…Good luck on this. *
 
prodigalson12 said:
Been there, done that, and she’s not being honest with you, just wants to find a replacement Dad and doesn’t have any desire to do the work on herself which is obvious. If she cannot take care of herself, how can she take care of her man as well? With the weight “excuses” we get bombared with these days, it’s simply amazing how many so called diseases or disorders women tend to use as a crutch these days, super amazing how they all coincided with the growing rate of obesity, and how 100 years ago, those myriad of diseases and excuses simply were not there…
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Older women were potato-shaped back then, too. You just didn’t see pictures of them, that’s all - we only see them when they were young and thin. 😉
Bottom line, you are being sucked in to someone elses problems, you are under no obligation to continue the relationship at all, mutual physical chemistry absolutely must be there or it’s doomed to failure no matter how hard you try to make it work, it just won’t.
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This, I agree with. It’s probably at least one of the reasons that the Church so strongly discourages divorce and remarriage.
 
Older women were potato-shaped back then, too. You just didn’t see pictures of them, that’s all - we only see them when they were young and thin.

The difference between then and now, they were not stuck behind the TV all day long, the thing is, the body type that is produced from this total inactivity is far worse then the natural ones, even though pear shaped, back then.
 
Liberanosamalo said:
Kage, as someone who is waiting till the kids are older to date, I understand your post. But the unfairness of it all is that no one would tell a man to wait till he has raised his kids before he dates.
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I would 🙂

Dr. Laura tells this to dads as well as moms (she has a wider audience than I do ;)).
 
I didn’t want to meet her kids.
but she INSISTED to observe me with them.
I even tried being cold toward her so she wouldn’t like me. and she has a lot of guy friends so I was waiting to catch her cheating or somthin…nothin has worked. I even stayed away from her for almost a month…nothing worked.
I guess Im gona have to tell her…and I hate the thought of it…
but I have droped every hint imaginable.
 
excaliber said:
I didn’t want to meet her kids.
but she INSISTED to observe me with them.
I even tried being cold toward her so she wouldn’t like me. and she has a lot of guy friends so I was waiting to catch her cheating or somthin…nothin has worked. I even stayed away from her for almost a month…nothing worked.
I guess Im gona have to tell her…and I hate the thought of it…
but I have droped every hint imaginable.
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*No more hints…just tell her, I don’t see us being romantic…I’d like to go our separate ways. If she continues, I would be firmer about it. *
 
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