Relationship HELP

[prodigalson12]

*No more hints…just tell her, I don’t see us being romantic…I’d like to go our separate ways. If she continues, I would be firmer about it. *

Ditto!!!

 

[flyingfish]

I think you know that the right choice is to break up with her and be firm.

Aside from her not being attractive to you, she doesn’t sound like a healthy person. Her reaction to you wanting to just be friends is unhealthy.

 

[excaliber]

I think you know that the right choice is to break up with her and be firm.

Aside from her not being attractive to you, she doesn’t sound like a healthy person. Her reaction to you wanting to just be friends is unhealthy.

Well there is more to the story then you guys know. we are both out of the same cult…or in the process of leaving the same cult.
So I understand why she is not completely normal.

This makes this relationship different then just a guy who meet a girl online and didn’t feel the fireworks. We have a lot in common and she is fun to hangout
with…realy fun.

So I don’t want to throw the baby out with the bath water.
There is a LOT of good here, and only one negative thing and that’s that she was never phisicaly atractive.

She HAS to know that I am not phisicaly atracted to her, because it has been obvious…and will continue to be because she is not my type.

 

[kage_ar]

Are you going to marry this woman?

Is she free to marry (was she validly married)?

Is she Catholic?

Unless you are planning to ask her to marry you, then, you have no business kissing on her and there is no reason for “sexual attraction”. Tell her that. “I am not going to kiss you or be romantic with you because I am not planning to marry you. I am not going to be daddy to your kids.”

 

[Liberanosamalo]

You’re asking too much of us. We can’t liposuction her for you. You’re sending US mixed messages. I can’t imagine how SHE feels!



Either you like her or you don’t. If being overweight is a deal breaker, forget how fun she is. Let her free for someone else. Someone who will enjoy her company.

This isn’t about cults.

Now I don’t even know if you’re all Catholic or if it even matters what her religious status is.
But since you don’t know what you want, other than a thin girlfriend, please be honest with her and let her go.

 

[Ailina]

I am in a relationship that started WAY to fast, we started talking online and had some major things in common. Then we started talking on the phone a lot…and somehow basicly the dating began
it was so fast and she got realy attached and so did her kids.
I just went with the flow, being to nice I guess.
She talked about marriage and talking like Im her kids dad.

I like her and the kids, she is fun to TALK to and she is realy nice.
The problem is I am not sexualy
attracted to her AT ALL. She has the OPPOSITE body tipe. So when she is talking romantic I can’t get into it…or when she wants a kiss…I realy don’t want to.

I try telling her things to wear, but she dosent realy listen. Even if she did she simply has the opposite body type that I find attractive.

I couldn’t tell on the computer, and she lived in another state so by the time we saw eachother we had been talking and was envolved already…and I thought mabey she can change it, or mabey I will feel attracted if she changes her style in clothes. but it isn’t working. Basicly she is over weight …AND is built like a square.

I need help…what do I tell her?
I already told her I wanted to just be friends, and she was crying and I felt so bad. before that I tried walking with her, I even told her I would go to the gym and work out to look as good as I can for her.
but she is just not motivated and will just sit on the couch.

We would be GREAT friends, but sexualy I am not attracted to her at all.

HELP!!!

any ideas on outfits that look good on big square shaped women would help. I would try anything at this point. but I don’t think this is going to work. and I don’t want to hurt her feelings and just tell her that there is NO sexual attraction.

And I mean Im no more attracted to her then my own sister.
I do exercises right in front of her to give her a hint and she just watches me.

Its not fair because she told me she liked to be active like me. she told me she would run races with me, and I thought we would have so much fun…but she just stays on the couch.

what do I do?

I have heard that the danger of online dating is that a false sense of intimacy is achieved. When people finally meet in real life, they are shocked because there is no chemistry. How can there be, if you haven’t actually spent time with the other person?

You are under no obligation to keep seeing her if you feel no attraction. If she lives far away, how hard can it be to stop? Just let her know that this isn’t going to work out and leave it at that. Don’t pick up the phone when she calls; let the answering machine do it.

Don’t tell her it is because she is too fat or square or whatever. She is likely no longer young and thin, especially if she has had kids and is a single mom. Just like most men of my age are balding and have a slight tire around the middle; they are no longer young either! It isn’t fair of me to expect them to look like they’re 20 when they’re 40+.

 

[Ailina]

Been there, done that, and she’s not being honest with you, just wants to find a replacement Dad and doesn’t have any desire to do the work on herself which is obvious. If she cannot take care of herself, how can she take care of her man as well? With the weight “excuses” we get bombared with these days, it’s simply amazing how many so called diseases or disorders** women tend to use as a crutch these days,** super amazing how they all coincided with the growing rate of obesity, and how 100 years ago, those myriad of diseases and excuses simply were not there…

Being a stepdad is very, very hard, the kids will always try to break up the couple because they feel you are competing for moms affections, it’s a dynamic that is always the case. She also needs to be dating guys that have compatible body types with her, not shooting for something that’s clearly lopsided. You aren’t going for the super model type, which I’m sure you are not, it’s the same difference.

There are many women, especially the older you get, that have already established a family, then divorced for what ever reason, and now expect some new guy to pick up the pieces. It’s not fair for us to have to do that, it’s also something they should really think about before getting that initial divorce, for too often it’s never justified, just inconvenient to work through the marriage problems.

Bottom line, you are being sucked in to someone elses problems, you are under no obligation to continue the relationship at all, mutual physical chemistry absolutely must be there or it’s doomed to failure no matter how hard you try to make it work, it just won’t.

Oy, judge much??? Yikes!

 

[excaliber]

I have heard that the danger of online dating is that a false sense of intimacy is achieved. When people finally meet in real life, they are shocked because there is no chemistry. How can there be, if you haven’t actually spent time with the other person?

You are under no obligation to keep seeing her if you feel no attraction. If she lives far away, how hard can it be to stop? Just let her know that this isn’t going to work out and leave it at that. Don’t pick up the phone when she calls; let the answering machine do it.

Don’t tell her it is because she is too fat or square or whatever. She is likely no longer young and thin, especially if she has had kids and is a single mom. Just like most men of my age are balding and have a slight tire around the middle; they are no longer young either! It isn’t fair of me to expect them to look like they’re 20 when they’re 40+.

She is not old…she is in her 20’s.
she just needs to exercise and stop with the fast food all the time.
Do you think its a coincidence that for the most part her kids are over weight also?

I will have to find a way to end it.
It will end eventually anyway because she gets upset when Im not all romantic with her…and that is not gona change as far as I can tell.

 

[prodigalson12]

Ailina, please do not default to the usual judgment, if you can’t understand, then just leave it alone rather then hurl an insult at me for stating a fact that you don’t want to know. At my age, 42, most of the women in my age bracket are exactly how I described, this same story is absolutely the norm for the vast majority of them. If I ran a poll here, it would prove my point and it’s quite sad when it comes down to it, for too often they throw away what they have, thinking back in their early days where there were a lot more single available men that used to stand in line on them, only to find out those days are over forever and they should try harder to work with what they have at current. There is a saying, you can never go back home, this is case in point.

Now you are going to counter with ignoring what I stated in line with “majority”, and tell me there are exceptions, of which there are, yet breaking into those areas, there typically is a good reason they still have not married and a big part of that is lack of physical attraction which also tends to go hand in hand too often with serious lack in social skills. Again, there are even exceptions within these, but they are very, very rare. And then, you are going to counter yet again trying to get us guys to “settle” for less, that we should be submissive to the point where ladies that fit in the original category are to be accepted as they are and we should ignore the fact there is no physical attraction much less we also must conform and become slaves to the dysfunctional world and life they have created.

I can go on with this rather tired argument, been there way too often, the results and all that are countered are quite predictable. The bottom line here, I don’t live in front of the TV, I keep myself in decent shape because I do not want to end up the typical fat and bald guy, of which is prevalent at my age and fat and bald guys are what fat and inactive women should be going after, especially if they both can share their dysfunction, bailed out on the past marriage, together, for they deserve each other…We that have not compromised and have waited for the right one, not just one that’s right here, are not of the same caliber, nor should be naive or duped into playing the night in shining armor, we deserve better.

quote" She is not old…she is in her 20’s "

The odds are very much stacked against here getting back in shape and keeping it, once you retard your metabolism at that early of an age, it’s a life long change that you never can go back upon. She may indeed find a way to get the weight down temporarily, but it’s unlikely to remain that way. And again, I’ll have readers misconstruing what I just said, because sure, there are exceptions to the rule, but I’m just telling you the reality of it, statistic wise.

The numbers speak volumes over any opinion, of which I rely upon the former way over the latter, for they cannot be changed.

 

[excaliber]

Ailina, please do not default to the usual judgment, if you can’t understand, then just leave it alone rather then hurl an insult at me for stating a fact that you don’t want to know. At my age, 42, most of the women in my age bracket are exactly how I described, this same story is absolutely the norm for the vast majority of them. If I ran a poll here, it would prove my point and it’s quite sad when it comes down to it, for too often they throw away what they have, thinking back in their early days where there were a lot more single available men that used to stand in line on them, only to find out those days are over forever and they should try harder to work with what they have at current. There is a saying, you can never go back home, this is case in point.

Now you are going to counter with ignoring what I stated in line with “majority”, and tell me there are exceptions, of which there are, yet breaking into those areas, there typically is a good reason they still have not married and a big part of that is lack of physical attraction which also tends to go hand in hand too often with serious lack in social skills. Again, there are even exceptions within these, but they are very, very rare. And then, you are going to counter yet again trying to get us guys to “settle” for less, that we should be submissive to the point where ladies that fit in the original category are to be accepted as they are and we should ignore the fact there is no physical attraction much less we also must conform and become slaves to the dysfunctional world and life they have created.

I can go on with this rather tired argument, been there way too often, the results and all that are countered are quite predictable. The bottom line here, I don’t live in front of the TV, I keep myself in decent shape because I do not want to end up the typical fat and bald guy, of which is prevalent at my age and fat and bald guys are what fat and inactive women should be going after, especially if they both can share their dysfunction, bailed out on the past marriage, together, for they deserve each other…We that have not compromised and have waited for the right one, not just one that’s right here, are not of the same caliber, nor should be naive or duped into playing the night in shining armor, we deserve better.

quote" She is not old…she is in her 20’s "

The odds are very much stacked against here getting back in shape and keeping it, once you retard your metabolism at that early of an age, it’s a life long change that you never can go back upon. She may indeed find a way to get the weight down temporarily, but it’s unlikely to remain that way. And again, I’ll have readers misconstruing what I just said, because sure, there are exceptions to the rule, but I’m just telling you the reality of it, statistic wise.

The numbers speak volumes over any opinion, of which I rely upon the former way over the latter, for they cannot be changed.

Are you saying that there are not many choices left by the time your in your 40’s?

Im gona turn up the intensity of my search if that’s true. I am not trying to find a perfect girl, but I also don’t want one that is emotionaly traumatized from past relationships and already has a bunch of kids by different guys AND has a phisical build literally like spunge bob square pants…no joke literally like spunge bob. AND the kids are bad!

I will be happy with one that is average in looks but complement me. Im not looking for a super model.

But Im tryin to give her tim to lose weight, I wouldent mind giving her 6 months to find a diet that works well for her…she can’t be happy over weight herself.

 

[whatevergirl]

*excaliber…did you know that you weren’t all that physically attracted to her, like through photos or anything? Because I might have not taken it as far as you did (in her eyes it was far maybe?) if you weren’t attracted to her from the get go. Lessons learned, right? We should not judge someone from their outside appearance…true beauty is beyond the surface…but, I also believe that some chemistry has to be there, otherwise, you’re in for a relationship where you might view the person as you would a brother/sister type thing. I hope she takes it well…be gentle, but be honest. I will keep you in my prayers. *

 

[whatevergirl]

Ailina, please do not default to the usual judgment, if you can’t understand, then just leave it alone rather then hurl an insult at me for stating a fact that you don’t want to know. At my age, 42, most of the women in my age bracket are exactly how I described, this same story is absolutely the norm for the vast majority of them. If I ran a poll here, it would prove my point and it’s quite sad when it comes down to it, for too often they throw away what they have, thinking back in their early days where there were a lot more single available men that used to stand in line on them, only to find out those days are over forever and they should try harder to work with what they have at current. There is a saying, you can never go back home, this is case in point.

Now you are going to counter with ignoring what I stated in line with “majority”, and tell me there are exceptions, of which there are, yet breaking into those areas, there typically is a good reason they still have not married and a big part of that is lack of physical attraction which also tends to go hand in hand too often with serious lack in social skills. Again, there are even exceptions within these, but they are very, very rare. And then, you are going to counter yet again trying to get us guys to “settle” for less, that we should be submissive to the point where ladies that fit in the original category are to be accepted as they are and we should ignore the fact there is no physical attraction much less we also must conform and become slaves to the dysfunctional world and life they have created.

I can go on with this rather tired argument, been there way too often, the results and all that are countered are quite predictable. The bottom line here, I don’t live in front of the TV, I keep myself in decent shape because I do not want to end up the typical fat and bald guy, of which is prevalent at my age and fat and bald guys are what fat and inactive women should be going after, especially if they both can share their dysfunction, bailed out on the past marriage, together, for they deserve each other…We that have not compromised and have waited for the right one, not just one that’s right here, are not of the same caliber, nor should be naive or duped into playing the night in shining armor, we deserve better.

quote" She is not old…she is in her 20’s "

The odds are very much stacked against here getting back in shape and keeping it, once you retard your metabolism at that early of an age, it’s a life long change that you never can go back upon. She may indeed find a way to get the weight down temporarily, but it’s unlikely to remain that way. And again, I’ll have readers misconstruing what I just said, because sure, there are exceptions to the rule, but I’m just telling you the reality of it, statistic wise.

The numbers speak volumes over any opinion, of which I rely upon the former way over the latter, for they cannot be changed.

For every woman who made mistakes, and is in her 40’s…there is a man who is in the same boat. People make mistakes…women and men. Just saying. Are women permitted to judge with the same yardstick you do, or is that just reserved for men? Imagine a 40+ yr old woman on here saying…“yeah, most of the men in their 40’s…balding, out of shape by that point…been through a few women…have kids…and a pot belly…yeah, only the good ones are in their 20’s or 30’s.” I would love to see the men’s reactions on here, oh boy, if that were posted by a woman!

 

[whatevergirl]

prodigalson, not pickin’ on ya…but, the door swings both ways…there are PLENTY of men out there who have their tales of woe, also. And who dumped a wonderful wife for someone else…or whatever. So, women who are single need to be selective also…not just men.

 

[prodigalson12]

Are you saying that there are not many choices left by the time your in your 40’s?

Im gona turn up the intensity of my search if that’s true. I am not trying to find a perfect girl, but I also don’t want one that is emotionaly traumatized from past relationships and already has a bunch of kids by different guys AND has a phisical build literally like spunge bob square pants…no joke literally like spunge bob. AND the kids are bad!

I will be happy with one that is average in looks but complement me. Im not looking for a super model.

But Im tryin to give her tim to lose weight, I wouldent mind giving her 6 months to find a diet that works well for her…she can’t be happy over weight herself.

Yeah, that was the big lie that was told to me, people stating that in your late 30’s and 40’s, the odds turn back into the guys favor, and they do, but the reason why is obvious, so it’s in our favor all right, but what you have to choose from is dismal.

You are spot on with considering gals that may not be supermodel types, you only need to be attracted to each other, from there, chemistry does grow and the physical element is only part of it. I found too often the gals that are outstanding in the looks department tend to become more corrupt because there is greater temptation for them to have more of a past, simply because us guys are stupid in this area, not realizing how much better we get treated, and more so, how much more loyal the gals are that aren’t being courted by all of these guys. At the same time, we aren’t putting enough thought into their integrity and this gets tarnished if they have a history of dating/marrying/etc. many guys in the past. At the same time, you are going to grow old together, in the end, during those years, the looks will fall away for the most part and it will be what you two share upstairs that matters more, so don’t let the physical element override other areas that too often become ignored.

With giving her time to lose the weight, you are pressuring her to do this for you, when she should be doing it for herself, you wouldn’t want her to force you to change something about yourself to suite her desires would you? You can convey over to her that it’s about progress, that to lose a lot of weight at once is unhealthy, that there are things one can do to get their metabolism up, and losing a little bit on a regular basis over the years should be the goal. It’s less of a manner of working hard at something, it’s simply adjusting what you are doing a bit and it’s not making a radical change in her life at all, so shouldn’t be considered a chore or feel that she’s having to make huge sacrifices.

You can also convey to her the myriad of health problems she fill face if she doesn’t take your advice, that list is quite extensive and doesn’t at all have to be things she will have to endure if she doesn’t want to. You are being a real friend to her by conveying this, and in the end, that is all you guys are, friends.

With stepping up your efforts, don’t do it online, there are reasons people have to use some internet dating web site, and after studying that gambit, it really did reinforce what I said earlier. At the same time, with online in general, NOT dating web sites, you really never know who you are going to bump into at random, not even looking, and you will have some common interest, so saying, it’s not impossible there, but it’s rare.

 

[whatevergirl]

excaliber…many on here have found great success with AveMaria Singles? I think that is the site…you might want to try that. I have been married for a long time, so I’m not familiar with these sites, but just sharing what some have commented, on here. Good luck in finding a potential spouse.

 

[prodigalson12]

prodigalson, not pickin’ on ya…but, the door swings both ways…there are PLENTY of men out there who have their tales of woe, also. And who dumped a wonderful wife for someone else…or whatever. So, women who are single need to be selective also…not just men.

The dynamic is different between men and women in their early 20’s down to their teens. There are plenty of men who are real pieces of work, I guess the male equivalent, but the system in the west, the trends are all too clear. Have you heard of women stating that some guy will make a good “first” husband? How many men have said that some gal would make a good first wife, “NONE”!!! There are also many women that have kids entirely to collect child support, there are also many women that get married just to collect half what he owns. Sadly, it’s a career choice, not a marriage issue.

With many of us single guys in our 30’s and 40’s, we’ve spent a great deal of time focusing on our careers which has us out of the loop in that area too often, with women, they have that biological clock that doesn’t allow them that luxury, so again, another defining difference.

 

[whatevergirl]

The dynamic is different between men and women in their early 20’s down to their teens. There are plenty of men who are real pieces of work, I guess the male equivalent, but the system in the west, the trends are all too clear. Have you heard of women stating that some guy will make a good “first” husband? How many men have said that some gal would make a good first wife, “NONE”!!! There are also many women that have kids entirely to collect child support, there are also many women that get married just to collect half what he owns. Sadly, it’s a career choice, not a marriage issue.

With many of us single guys in our 30’s and 40’s, we’ve spent a great deal of time focusing on our careers which has us out of the loop in that area too often, with women, they have that biological clock that doesn’t allow them that luxury, so again, another defining difference.

*I know there are situations like this. We live in a very confused, fallen world…men and women not living their lives as close to the Lord, as they can. That is really what it is, I think…many end up getting married for the wrong reasons, divorcing for the wrong reasons…I don’t think anyone goes into marriage thinking it will end. I think many go into it, however, not knowing what marriage or love REALLY is, and they completely leave God out of it. I was one of those women once upon a time…I am grateful my husband was patient…and we worked things out. But, had I divorced, I guess I’d be the cliche you speak of.

That said…if I were you or any single person out there who has dated a lot…I’d try my best to date as though it were a completely new experience…be openminded, instead of presumptious. I wouldn’t be naive, but I would try to go into dating situations with a bit more ease. I don’t think you should jump to conclusions about dating websites…some people on here have had great success, have found husbands and wives…and they didn’t settle or compromise their wants. Have you ever tried AveSingles? *

 

[chevalier]

*For every woman who made mistakes, and is in her 40’s…there is a man who is in the same boat. People make mistakes…women and men. Just saying. *Are women permitted to judge with the same yardstick you do, or is that just reserved for men? Imagine a 40+ yr old woman on here saying…“yeah, most of the men in their 40’s…balding, out of shape by that point…been through a few women…have kids…and a pot belly…yeah, only the good ones are in their 20’s or 30’s.” I would love to see the men’s reactions on here, oh boy, if that were posted by a woman!

I actually believe that’s what he said! Look how he wrote about guys who didn’t see it fit to stay fit and then that people should stick with ones who attached similar importance to it. So… you folks actually agree, you just keep arguing.

I would love to see the men’s reactions on here, oh boy, if that were posted by a woman!

I love that argument. It reminds me of my own favourite one.

Yeah, that was the big lie that was told to me, people stating that in your late 30’s and 40’s, the odds turn back into the guys favor, and they do, but the reason why is obvious, so it’s in our favor all right, but what you have to choose from is dismal.

Well, sir, I can’t talk about 40’s, but it seems kinda true with the late 20’s, so I guess 30’s aren’t worlds apart. This is the time when alpha nerds claim their territory and where it also “pays” more than before to be a traditional, dependable man with a balanced personality and guaranteed sanity* (* doesn’t apply too strictly to alpha nerds ). The ladies are also far more likely to fall for a gentleman. It may be hard to find someone compatible (for me - tremendously hard, but the reasons are a bit compound), true, but I believe the ladies face the same troubles. I can’t help noticing every day how rare it is to find a well-brought-up charming young Catholic lady, but what I find sometimes holds my breath still and not always figuratively. The world’s not lost yet! Unfortunately, I can’t talk about how it is when one’s in late 30’s or in 40’s because I simply don’t know. I imagine the ratio of divorce without a nullity decree poses a problem. Well, already now, the first place I look on a woman is the ring finger, but that’s something you potentially can’t spot until you’re rather far gone and that must be hard.

You are spot on with considering gals that may not be supermodel types, you only need to be attracted to each other, from there, chemistry does grow and the physical element is only part of it. I found too often the gals that are outstanding in the looks department tend to become more corrupt because there is greater temptation for them to have more of a past, simply because us guys are stupid in this area, not realizing how much better we get treated, and more so, how much more loyal the gals are that aren’t being courted by all of these guys. At the same time, we aren’t putting enough thought into their integrity and this gets tarnished if they have a history of dating/marrying/etc. many guys in the past. At the same time, you are going to grow old together, in the end, during those years, the looks will fall away for the most part and it will be what you two share upstairs that matters more, so don’t let the physical element override other areas that too often become ignored.

The part about looks fading is certainly right, but let’s not denigrate the physically beautiful women while appreciating those who are less so. The “she’s guilty because she’s pretty” is a popular cliche and women get accused of bad conduct just because they’re attractive. Plus, they can’t even become friends with a guy without him starting to think unvirtuous things or even thinking they’re trying to seduce him. At times, they end up with the bad guys simply because none of the “good guys” category would come up and start talking to her. Besides, there have been saints that would throw you or me down the stairs with their striking beauty and look where they are… on the saints book. Some of them stayed virgins forever.

With stepping up your efforts, don’t do it online, there are reasons people have to use some internet dating web site, and after studying that gambit, it really did reinforce what I said earlier. At the same time, with online in general, NOT dating web sites, you really never know who you are going to bump into at random, not even looking, and you will have some common interest, so saying, it’s not impossible there, but it’s rare.

Random finds are the best. As far as Internet dating goes, it’s a good idea to look at pictures before allowing things to progress… and a good idea to meet in the real world before allowing things to progress farther.

 

[flyingfish]

Are you saying that there are not many choices left by the time your in your 40’s?

Im gona turn up the intensity of my search if that’s true. I am not trying to find a perfect girl, but I also don’t want one that is emotionaly traumatized from past relationships and already has a bunch of kids by different guys AND has a phisical build literally like spunge bob square pants…no joke literally like spunge bob. AND the kids are bad!

I will be happy with one that is average in looks but complement me. Im not looking for a super model.

But Im tryin to give her tim to lose weight, I wouldent mind giving her 6 months to find a diet that works well for her…she can’t be happy over weight herself.

I really don’t think you should be counting on her to lose weight.

There are so many overweight people in America who constantly struggle to lose weight, try different diets, but never succeed. They might lose weight and then gain it all back plus some more.

You haven’t said how overweight she is either. Is she 20 pounds overweight or is she obese? The track record of fat people trying to get thin is really bad, most of them fail.

 

[excaliber]

Several things I wanted to bring up. 1) Pictures sent to cell phones and on internet dating sites can be
very deceptive. You don’t know how OLD the picture is. a person can send you a picture when they
were 20 poundes lighter.

1. I don’t know how to say this, but with this girl It didn’t seem fair that all her ex’s got her at her best. Then Im left to meet her when she is over weight, has all the kids she can handel and she is just spent.

It seems like people who are over weight should date other people who are over weight. And skiny people should date other skiny people. emotionaly traumatized people should hook up with other emotionaly damaged people…and so on and so forth…knowone left lonely…but relationships being more equal.