Strong Desire to Attend Mass, But Not Catholic

[CSUNGerrie]

as time goes by you will discover that the Church says that mankind (his sinful nature) killed Jesus. it wasn’t just the jews, it wasn’t just the romans. even today, you and i and everyone have Jesus’ blood on our hands. !

I like what Otavius Winslow says about this matter, "Who delivered up Jesus to die? Not Judas, for money; not Pilate for fear, not the Jews, for envy; - but the father for Love!"

 

[BacaRanch]

It does seem apparent that the Holy Spirit—as mentioned earlier—is drawing you into the Catholic Church. Additionally, the Catholic Community is excited for you as you follow the path the Holy Spirit has laid out for you to follow.

Clearly, God has given you many trials in your life to grow from. Additionally, you have also received many gifts from God as evident by you academic accomplishments. I believe, being a bit of an academic myself, your research into the Church will not only leave you excited, but you will find peace in the thought of being a Catholic and being in full communion with the Church.

I found it interesting that you mentioned your Jewish heritage. I believe that—should you choose to participate in programs like RCIA—that you will find that the Jews and Catholics have much is common. We share several thousand years of common history in our faiths. After all, Jesus was born a Jew, He lived as a Jew, and He died a Jew. Jesus was always respectful of Jewish traditions and customs. Jesus was a Rabbi. I believe that it is this situation that led Pope Pius XI to state: “Spiritually, we are Semites.”

The source and summit of the Catholic faith is the Mass. Additionally, we are centered on the Eucharist. I bring this up because, as I am sure you are aware, you are very, very welcome to attend Mass and I am impressed by your desire to be respectful—as I am sure you would be—while in attendance. In regards to being respectful, the only comment I would make is that without being a Catholic it is not possible for you to take communion (i.e., the bread and wine transubstantiated bread and wine into the body and blood of Christ). However, when you become a Catholic I would encourage you take the Eucharist frequently and to participate in all of the sacraments available in the Church.

May God continue to watch over you and bless you abundantly. May the Holy Spirit continue to guide you. May you discover the will of God the Father for you through the Son and Holy Spirit.

 

[Rustyxcv]

Judith (Susan Calvin)–
Good for you! And welcome into the Holy Roman Catholic Church (in which subsides the fullness of Christ’s Church). So many things to say, I will try to be brief.
– First, like Christina, I was so excited by your MIRACULOUS story, with God’s providential interventions and “hints” at every turn, that I too stayed up way past midnight last night to read the entire string of messages here. WOW!
– The issue of Church vs. Science is a straw man created by atheistic modernists for political purposes. Modern science as we know it was FOUNDED by the Roman Catholic Church, has been generously supported by her for centuries, and is peopled by many leading researchers and theorists who are priests, religious, and devout lay persons. I can’t prove it, but I believe the whole modern science project has it’s ultimate roots in the decades after the year 1000 A.D., when Our Lord did NOT return to earth as expected and the leading thinkers of the day said to themselves, “Hmm. What’s going on here?” and began to study the earth, plants, animals, the human organism, and the heavens with an intensity and focus that they had not had before. (The business about it all starting during the Renaissance only with the rediscovery of the “treasures” of ancient Greek science is all part of the modernist’s propaganda effort.)
– On a related note, Judith, you said, “Praying still seems a bit weird to me, I’m so new at it.” You may not be “so new” as you feel. Every time you were seeking the truth, winnowing out error and falsehood, in your scientific work and your research studies you were drawing closer to God and practicing a very effective form of active prayer. Likewise, in your efforts of charity and love toward to those around you, especially the friend who has become harsh and rejecting, you were also praying in earnest, acting as a “little-Christ,” a true Christian.
– Formal prayer, improvised prayer, written prayers, rote prayers, solitary praying, praying at mass – they are all GOOD and all effective. Their quality does not depend on their content or their style or their format, it depends on Their Object. ANY prayer directed toward the One True God (and/or His helpers and associates) is a good prayer. The less familiar types that make you “feel a bit weird” will become familiar old friends very soon. And there will always be new ways that God will open up for you to deepen your relationship with Him and with all the Church.
– Someone on the string has said that your conversion experience was rare – that is, a conversion not fraught with doubts, difficulties, and intellectual objections. Among those who have led comfortable lives in cultured and educated surroundings this may well be true. But for those who have had difficult childhoods and significant elements of cruelty in their previous lives, your type of conversion is very common. The Church, after all, is the source of all God’s love pouring out into the world. Once little ones who need that love discover where it’s coming from, they come running as fast as they can with open arms, shouting, “More! Please, MORE!” I mention this only so that you might not question the genuineness of your experience. You have sought the truth and The Truth has revealed Himself to you and drawn you close in His loving embrace. Go for it!
– Last, you may wish to go through the RCIA process and receive confirmation and your first communion at Easter next year. I am sure that you would find this very meaningful, healing, and fulfilling. But . . . if you have already decided to become a Roman Catholic, a Christian, or at that point at which you do make a clear decision, if it should come any time soon . . . I cannot urge you strongly enough to consider being baptized thereafter. Any priest, deacon, or sincere lay person can perform this sacrament for you. You may wish to speak to your priest about it. If you have already reached this stage, it would be truly WONDERFUL and a great blessing for you and for THEM to receive this sacrament when you go to visit the Sisters from your childhood this summer. It can be easily arranged.
– God bless you, Judith, and THANK YOU SO MUCH for sharing your spiritual journey with us. You have filled my heart with so much hope and joy! Peace. – Rusty
PS – You have written SO MUCH already, there is no need to reply to this post point by point. If anything I have said is helpful, use it; discard the rest. Thanks.

 

[felixthecat782]

Dear Susan, The promptings you’re feeling are not just sentimental, they are promptings of the Holy Spirit. St. Augustine said, “My soul did not rest, until I rested in thee.” God created all of us to seek him out and to find fulfillment in this life. I would encourage you to attend Mass, (don’t receive Communion, however) and see what happens. What have you got to lose? Then pray to the Lord for guidance and listen and look for signs. Don’t know where you live, but I’m a Pastoral Associate in the SF bay area and would be happy to help you in any way I can. Blessings Marie

 

[Susan_Calvin]

jmcrae:

Please don’t recommend going forward with “arms crossed for a blessing” on an international forum; this is only a local custom in some places - it’s not part of the Mass, and the vast majority of priests have never even heard of this custom, other than in the few places where it exists. The vast majority of priests assume that those coming forward are coming to receive Holy Communion, and it could be very confusing for all concerned.

grandfather:

The “special” blessing routine is a recent innovation in the U.S. It is probably the result of well meaning people trying to make everyone feel included. Everyone at Mass is in the presence of Christ who is present body, blood, soul and divinity. Having the priest rub your head is a distraction from the Real Presence. In the Eastern rites the way people go forward to receive is they approach the priest by crossing their hands over their chests, so now when a priest sees a stranger approach in this manner he has no idea what to do. He does not know if this is an Eastern Catholic, or a non-Catholic who attends Mass in a Latin rite parish.

Thanks for this explanation. I’ve been told about the arms crossed action a few times on this forum but I was a bit confused, because I have observed some people going up with arms crossed and they receive communion this way, the priest puts the wafer on their tongue. Thanks to the person who suggested this to me in a PM too, because that just confirmed for me what I have observed. Yesterday I asked my priest, and he had never heard of going up for a blessing with arms crossed. He said he encourages parents to bring up their babies for a blessing, but not adults. As mentioned, I think this must be an American practice. In any event, I do thank everyone for the warm welcomes and advice, I appreciate it so much. But to reiterate, I am not in the United States.

 

[Susan_Calvin]

Don’t know where you live, but I’m a Pastoral Associate in the SF bay area and would be happy to help you in any way I can. Blessings Marie

I’m not in the United States, but thank you for the welcome and the kind offer. If I was in the SF bay area I would definitely look you up. I actually took part of my doctorate in that area of California and I love it. Would be nice to live there again.

 

[Susan_Calvin]

Just as an aside, Susan, if you ever do find yourself “out to lunch,” many parishes offer lunch-hour masses!

Omigosh LOL!! That really cracked me up, thanks! I actually have attended noon hour mass, twice now. There is a parish near my work which offers it, as well as Eucharistic Adoration, every Friday. I love the Eucharistic Adoration, so I’m making an effort to go as much as I can.

 

[grandfather]

Omigosh LOL!! That really cracked me up, thanks! I actually have attended noon hour mass, twice now. There is a parish near my work which offers it, as well as Eucharistic Adoration, every Friday. I love the Eucharistic Adoration, so I’m making an effort to go as much as I can.

At a parish nearby my home there is Perpetual Adoration. There is a small chapel where someone is present 24 hours a day praying before the Blessed Sacrament. I have been going there going on twenty years from 1 to 2 or 3 on Saturday mornings and sometimes on the way home from work. This is a source of tremendous grace to me, the parish and the entire city. Sometimes other people come in, but usually I am alone. If you ask around and are in a city, the chances are there will be a chapel somewhere nearby. It is a worldwide practice, although more prevalent in certain countries.

 

[TwentyTwelve]

Hi there!

With regard to your experience of prayer, can I just recommend an absolutely fantastic book - ‘Being Catholic Today’, by Father Laurence McTaggart. He is a monk at Ampleforth Abbey in North Yorkshire, and I simply cannot praise this work highly enough! It’s not just for Catholics, but for anyone who is even vaguely interested in or has a connection with the Catholic Church. It’s a beautiful book, and I find it invaluable to this day, having first read it several years ago. Apologies if you’ve already heard of it, but I thought I’d mention it just in case!

Anyway - to come to the point, there is a chapter entitled ‘How to be bad at prayer’, which I think would be of great help and comfort to you. I won’t get into all the details here, but suffice it to say, he encourages those who ‘struggle’ with distractions (certainly me, and I’m guessing most other people too!) not to worry about suppressing them, but to actually incorporate them into the prayer, since these are often the very things which are most pressing on our minds at that time - the things which are most relevant to our lives at that moment.

In short, he stresses that there is no ‘one’, ‘holy’, ‘proper’ way to pray, and that simply offering your concerns, fears, hopes, thoughts about the dinner etc. to God is something that will (hopefully) be pleasing to Him, since He is infinitely interested in you.

I won’t ramble on any more, but, if you like, give it a go. I’m fairly sure it’s still widely available - it was first published in 2000.

All the very best to you,

TwentyTwelve xx

 

[EvelynEVF]

I totally agree with twentytwelve. I figure if things are popping into my head, then they ought to be offered to God. I know that we should ideally be settled enough in our daily life to be able to separate for prayer when the time comes, but when you have little kids at home and life gets pretty random, you take what you can get

I am grateful that I have certain duties in the parish that require me to be in the sacristy and sanctuary at least a couple times per week. Doing mundane things in the presence of Christ, expecially when exposed at Adoration, really helps me get all that stuff out of the way so that I really can separate when I need to.

 

[Susan_Calvin]

At a parish nearby my home there is Perpetual Adoration. There is a small chapel where someone is present 24 hours a day praying before the Blessed Sacrament. I have been going there going on twenty years from 1 to 2 or 3 on Saturday mornings and sometimes on the way home from work. This is a source of tremendous grace to me, the parish and the entire city. Sometimes other people come in, but usually I am alone. If you ask around and are in a city, the chances are there will be a chapel somewhere nearby. It is a worldwide practice, although more prevalent in certain countries.

The one at this parish is from 1 pm - 5 pm every Friday. I really am enjoying going. I’m surprised you are the only one there, though I guess people may come at differing times. At the church I attend, there are always at least 20-30 people present. Its a large church though. I’m not surprised you find it a source of grace, I feel the same way I guess, though I haven’t described it in those terms. It gives me a tremendous feeling of peace.

 

[Susan_Calvin]

This is really funny. I am sure you are making a lot of readers laugh. Everyone does this. The mind wanders, but grace is still there.

Oh haha. My priest laughs at me also. Pretty much every time I talk to him. He says I have an interesting way of describing things.

grandfather:

Meditating on the mysteries has been very helpful to me. New understanding and appreciation kept coming to my mind. But right now I concentrate on the second part of the Hail Mary. “Holy Mary Mother of God pray for us sinners…” I don’t just say the words. It is a plea for my own soul and the entire world. I have experienced that with each plea, both a soldarity of will with Mary my mother, sort of an affirmation from her, that we are united in bringing these intentions before God.

Thanks, I like the way you describe how you concentrate on certain lines of the prayer. I find that helpful and I’m going to try it. Today during mass I had great difficulty concentrating because for some reason I started sneezing over and over again, and then I ran out of tissues. So I kept snuffling and trying to do it when everyone was singing so no one heard me. I was mostly thinking about finding a washroom and thinking how great it would be to get a tissue. There’s a big crucifix over the altar and I kept looking at it and thinking to myself, Jesus, I know you have suffered way worse than a runny nose in mass, but this is soooo annoying! Bah. Anyways I’ll just bring more tissues next time.

grandfather:

Tell me this Susan. What do you think? Imagine a baby’s first words. Its parents hear them for the first time, Mama, or Papa. Maybe a toddler calls out to Mom when she is scared. The baby does not know how to speak very well. It can not put sentences together. Do you think its inability to have an intelligent conversation bothers Mom or Dad? The child will speak millions of words to its parents over a lifetime. The first ones are among the most cherished. If you only knew how much God loves you.

That is a great analogy. I see what you mean. I never thought about it in that way before.

grandfather:

You had a difficult situation with your mother, so God sent you Mother Teresa. Do you think you would have been so important to her if you were not so needy? It was your woundedness and vulnerability and need that caused her to place you in her heart. You are still there Susan. Did it matter to her that you were not good at praying, or your clothing was not clean all the time, or that your mother was a prostitute?

This is good too. And wow it didn’t occur to me before but… honestly I should be grateful for having been poor as, like you elude to, I would not have known Mother otherwise. It was not the best childhood but there were some silver linings. It seems God can make sense out of the worst messes.

grandfather:

Years ago a friend of mine was asked by one of the sisters who was working a summer program with the kids in San Francisco if he could help out by finding some toy airplanes for the kids. We searched around and found some wind up models and sent them. I wonder if you were one of the kids who played with the airplanes or got one.

I don’t know… I do recall having a couple of toy airplanes as a kid, but I don’t remember where they came from. Chances are though, if some of those airplanes were sent to NYC I may have gotten one! The Sisters did give me toys sometimes. It would be amazing if I ***did ***have one!

 

[Susan_Calvin]

St. Francis de Sales says that prayer time is well spent even if all we do is fight off distractions and temptations.

Oh really, that’s great because I am pretty much struggling constantly. Good to know I am not alone and that it doesn’t make my prayers any less valid. I can hope, but at this point I can’t imagine being able to concentrate for long periods. My mind is always wandering. I’m getting a little better at noticing and bringing myself back on track, but it never lasts long. Its actually kind of funny, the things I start thinking about while trying to pray. Really stupid stuff that I never think about any other time…

RobNY:

Let me give you a few considerations. There are many, many different ways to pray. The rosary is one of the best, because it can be prayed in a way which is best for you. Some people think that the only way to meditate on the rosary is in an “Ignatian” method-- St. Ignatius of Loyola in his spiritual exercises recommends that one made a mental picture of the gospel scene and insert oneself in. But let me tell you, some of us aren’t picture thinkers. So other people will meditate on the truths revealed in the passage. This is good too, but I tend to be too intellectual. So my confessor recommended that I use the “fruits of the mystery” as a guide to doing an examination of conscience during the rosary. For instance, if you use “patience” as the fruit for the fourth sorrowful mystery, the carrying of the cross, then you could reflect on sins against patience in relation to the carrying of the cross.

Oh OK, thanks so much for this. I haven’t tried placing myself in the scene, but it does sound interesting. Also meditating on the truths might be good for me as well. With looking at pictures, my problem is I get hung up on some minor detail of the picture. As a scientist I am trained to look for small details but it doesn’t work well when trying to pray the rosary! I do love the rosary though. I love saying it in spite of my mind wandering so much.

RobNY:

As for spontaneous prayer: I hear yah. You’ll get more comfortable the more you do it. It’s no more awkward than early conversations between two friends, or especially, between friends of the opposite sex. The difference, of course, is that He already knows everything about you-- so you can’t really embarrass yourself in front of Him.

I’m trying to do it a bit more, like for instance when I wake up now I usually say “Good morning God”. And then that is often followed by, “Woo I’m tired, I want to go back to bed. I need coffee.” Then I laugh at myself because that sounds so dumb… does God really care that I am tired and want coffee?? I think He probably has better things to do. To be serious though, I am trying. The priest suggested I ask Him to help me with my day, and thank Him for the new day, and so forth. Still, it sounds weird and artificial when I do it in my own words.

RobNY:

And since you like structured prayer (I do too!), check out the Liturgy of the Hours. The church arranged the psalms into a 4 week format, and she prays them regularly-- there are seven hours in the current system, so you’ll have morning prayer, three daytime pray, evening prayer, an office of readings, and night prayer, every day with the full Liturgy of the Hours. It’s a way of praying the psalms throughout the day in union with the whole Church (all ordained and religious are obligated to pray the Hours-- including those wonderful sisters who helped you).

Oh interesting, thank you! I would love to say the same prayers that the Sisters say. I’m going to look into it.

RobNY:

By the way Susan, Edith Stein converted after reading St. Teresa of Avila.

Thanks for the recommendation and all your suggestions, I really appreciate it! And btw, I am also from NY. I grew up in the Bronx.

 

[grandfather]

The one at this parish is from 1 pm - 5 pm every Friday. I really am enjoying going. I’m surprised you are the only one there, though I guess people may come at differing times. At the church I attend, there are always at least 20-30 people present. Its a large church though. I’m not surprised you find it a source of grace, I feel the same way I guess, though I haven’t described it in those terms. It gives me a tremendous feeling of peace.

It is at 1AM. During the day, morning, afternoon and evening many people come in and pray for a bit. From midnight to about five or six AM not too many come. There is always someone scheduled so there is always at least one person present. I guess what I wanted to tell you is if you find a 24 hour adoration chapel that would be good for a couple of reasons. You can have the prayer experience you now enjoy on Friday afternoon any time you chose. Also if you want to be alone with Jesus you can go in the middle of the night. It is different for some reason. It is very very quiet. Do you know how there are some things that Mother wrote to you and said to you, you consider very personal. The same is true of what I have experienced in the chapel. In fact if I shared them they are difficult to believe. You are more and more awakening to the fact, to the truth, that you have a living soul. There is a spiritual reality and you and we all live in it, whether or not we are aware of it, but your awareness seems to be growing very rapidly. I am reading what you write and am astounded at the speed of change. We all are blind to ourselves in a way. We see ourselves sometimes through one another’s eyes. So I am reading about this woman who had a pretty amazing life, a short while ago felt drawn to attend Mass, and in almost lightning speed has happiliy discovered Eucharistic Adoration, is drawn to it, and is drawing grace and pleasure from this spiritual exercise and praying the Rosary. You seem so nonchalant about it all and unamazed, like it is all perfectly normal. Well I am amazed. It is like watching an infant go from saying mama, to speaking in sentences in a week. Here is what none of us can see. A year or two ago, I don’t think you could have known that you would be where you are today. Where will you be a year from now? I don’t know, but if the rate of change keeps up it will be in a much different place spiritually. What I hope for you as you go along growing so rapidly is that something relatively permanent or steady appears, some friends, a spiritual advisor, maybe a parish, a role to play in the Church. I have mentioned certain people with whom you share similar traits. Another person is Pope John Paul II. His life was filled with trauma. He lost his mother, his only brother, and his father. Death took them early in his life. He faced the enormous evils of his day alone. He had no family. His life was full of loss and pain. He suffered some very discouraging events and human tragedy, the Nazis and Communist atheist ideologies on top of it all. He persevered in hope and encouraged others. He started out his life in religion as an obscure Polish priest, a nobody. He committed his life to God’s will.

 

[jmcrae]

I’m trying to do it a bit more, like for instance when I wake up now I usually say “Good morning God”. And then that is often followed by, “Woo I’m tired, I want to go back to bed. I need coffee.” Then I laugh at myself because that sounds so dumb… does God really care that I am tired and want coffee??

YES.

God cares about every single detail about you. He is fascinated every day to count the hairs on your head, and the pores on your skin. He knows every blood vessel and every cell. He has named each and every one of the little bugs and things that are hitching rides in your immune system. He is totally fascinated by everything about you, including even your most minor little concerns. You must never worry about “bothering” God with the details of your life. Feel confident to approach Him with even your smallest problems, and don’t hesitate to go to Him first whenever you need anything at all, no matter how small or how large. God wants to help you, and He is only waiting to be invited.

God is not like a teacher or parent who says, “Try doing it by yourself first, and then ask for my help later, if you really need it.” No. God says, “Come to me right away, and we will do it together.”

I think He probably has better things to do.

God is not like us. Doing one thing does not distract him from doing other things. God can keep the planets in their orbit, and keep the gravity operating, and the tides and the seasons in their proper order, while also helping you look for your car keys, and listening to you mention that you need more sleep.

 

[Susan_Calvin]

Just wanted to say a quick thanks to everyone who has written in the last few days… I want to reply (and started to the other day) but unfortunately there’s now a problem with my internet at home. I am just online for a few minutes at the university today, butI likely will not be on again for a few days until its fixed. Thanks though to all and see you later in the week!

 

[Susan_Calvin]

OH and I almost forgot to say, I am now officially a catechumen!

In the city I am living, the majority of people are Catholic, over 90%. Its rare to have a convert; as a result, classes for converts are not offered every year. I’m somewhat of a novelty in my parish, and the only one interested in converting who they have currently. There is a Sister here who teaches catechism to children, and she offered to teach me a while back already, privately. Then the other day she said we could start right away if I liked, why wait, especially as I have many, many questions. So I am beginning with her this week!! The priest says that makes me a catechumen. I’m very excited!!

 

[Tezza]

OH and I almost forgot to say, I am now officially a catechumen!

In the city I am living, the majority of people are Catholic, over 90%. Its rare to have a convert; as a result, classes for converts are not offered every year. I’m somewhat of a novelty in my parish, and the only one interested in converting who they have currently. There is a Sister here who teaches catechism to children, and she offered to teach me a while back already, privately. Then the other day she said we could start right away if I liked, why wait, especially as I have many, many questions. So I am beginning with her this week!! The priest says that makes me a catechumen. I’m very excited!!

Woo hoo! Enjoy it…and don’t be afraid to ask whatever questions are on your mind!

Peace in Christ,
Teri

 

[jmcrae]

OH and I almost forgot to say, I am now officially a catechumen!

Congratulations!! :dancing: :dancing: :dancing:

 

[grandfather]

OH and I almost forgot to say, I am now officially a catechumen!

In the city I am living, the majority of people are Catholic, over 90%. Its rare to have a convert; as a result, classes for converts are not offered every year. I’m somewhat of a novelty in my parish, and the only one interested in converting who they have currently. There is a Sister here who teaches catechism to children, and she offered to teach me a while back already, privately. Then the other day she said we could start right away if I liked, why wait, especially as I have many, many questions. So I am beginning with her this week!! The priest says that makes me a catechumen. I’m very excited!!

I hope you get a good formation in the faith.

Mother Teresa took her name in religion from Saint Therese of Lisieux. Saint Therese was a Carmelite nun in France who died around 1895. Carmelites live in cloistered convents. They have a deep spiritual life. The reason the world knows about her is she was told to write her life story. It is called, “Story of a Soul”. She is the most popular saint of the 1900s and there have been some very great ones.

There are a small number of saints, about 25 or so, who have the title, Doctor of the Church". These are usually people who have made great theological contributions. Pope John Paul II gave Therese the ttitel, doctor. She died at 24 of tuberculosis. She had no formal education. The only literary contribution she made was her life story. There are som other prayers and sayings and letters she wrote, but the life of a Carmelite is the life of prayer.

She is considered a spiritual genius. Her thought is very simple and direct, as was Mother Teresa’s. How does such a young person with no education or theological training who lived in obscurity and never exposed to teachers or scholars become such a great luminary in such a short life?

It is not so surprising that you are drawn to Catholicism. Mother Teresa in your life and other people’s prayers are answered. What is surprising is that you could find Eucharistic Adoration to be so compelling that you like going without having any instruction.

I read about another nun who is a Poor Clare. She is the superior in a convent. She was raised by parents who were militant French atheists. Her parents made it a point to never have her exposed to any religious information, even the concept of God. They tried to protect her from that the way I might want to protect my kids from heroin. They lived in Morocco. One day she wandered into a simple Catholic chapel. There were kneelers, a candle and the Blessed Sacrament reserved in the tabernacle. She was overwhelmed with the presence of God. She knew somehow by intution, or what God revealed to her in her soul beyond intellectual understanding that the whole meaning of life was in that room.

How does this happen? It is like God picks a person out for some mysterious reason and draws that person no matter the circumstances to Himself. It really is an amazing thing to see.

I would be interested to know what books or instructional materials you are given.