Terrible First 3 months of Marriage

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Feanaro's Wife:
Vern,

would it be at all possible to hear what your wife thinks of the OP’s situation?

Malia
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My wife glanced at some of these posts, and you wouldn’t want to hear what she said.

But perhaps we could get OPs husband to tell us his side?

And all our husbands and wives could tell us what they think should be done.
 
vern humphrey:
My wife glanced at some of these posts, and you wouldn’t want to hear what she said.

Why not?

But perhaps we could get OPs husband to tell us his side?

I wish we could hear the OP’s husband’s side. But I am afraid that all of this bickering amongst ourselves has scared her away.😦

And, honestly, we don’t need his side. We shouldn’t be condemning him or her or deciding who is right and who is wrong. That is not up to us…we don’t even know these people!!!

And all our husbands and wives could tell us what they think should be done.

I think that is the problem right there. None of us should be telling the OP what should be done.

We should be offering support and options from a Catholic perspective so that she does not feel hopeless.

We should be sharing our own situations and how we dealt with them so that she can decide how she wants to proceed.

Many people here have done just that, but their posts are getting lost in the constant back and forth of differing opinions.:nope:

malia
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vern humphrey:
My wife glanced at some of these posts, and you wouldn’t want to hear what she said.

But perhaps we could get OPs husband to tell us his side?

And all our husbands and wives could tell us what they think should be done.
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I am sure that you have a very sweet wife, Vern, and we would love to hear from her. 🙂
 
Feanaro's Wife:
Why not?
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My wife has been known to tell our daughter how lucky she is to have such a fine man for a husband, and if she doesn’t treat him better, someone else might snap him up.
Feanaro's Wife:
We should be offering support and options from a Catholic perspective so that she does not feel hopeless.
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Thank you very much – I enjoyed the wisdom in your post.
 
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deb1:
I am sure that you have a very sweet wife, Vern, and we would love to hear from her. 🙂
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I do, indeed. Let me say she made a remark about temper tantrums and let it go at that.
 
Originally Posted by Della
Being a man you wouldn’t understand what it is for a woman to suddenly discover that the man she thought she married doesn’t exist.
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Being a woman you wouldn’t understand what it is for a man to suddenly discover that the woman he thought he married doesn’t exist.

Please, we aren’t talking about a man here who is trying to be understanding, he is, as far as I’m concerned, a jerk, and my husband has looked into this situation and agrees with me.

No marriage is perfect – as long as we have to marry our fellow humans. Marriage is not about enjoying bliss with the perfect husband or wife. Marriage is all about two imperfect people creating a happy life together.

Who said otherwise?
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Originally Posted by Della
This man isn’t just being stubborn, he’s being abusive.
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Screaming, crying, and emotional storms are just as abusive – not to mention locking people out of the house.

Oh please! Even if she did any of these things a woman does them out of frustration, not to get anything out of a man. This gal isn’t the type to try to manipulate anyone. She is genuinely hurt and can’t understand why her husband is being so cold and hard when confronted with her very legitimate concerns.
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Originally Posted by Della
I don’t think you understand anything here, anymore than you understand your aunts, their lives, and what they were going through in their marriages that made them have to leave.
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Actually, I do – I knew them well, and knew the rest of my family, too. You will find that people who have direct knowledge of situations like this are – believe it or not – better able to understand them than people who don’t know the people involved.

Experience trumps imagination in situations like this.

Not necessarily. You may THINK you know all about it, but 5 will get you 10 you don’t.
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Originally Posted by Della
As a man you should be concentrating on what your attitude is towards women and how good a husband you are/would be.
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As a woman you should be concentrating on what your attitude is towards men and how good a wife you are/would be.

I am. And I don’t care if you are or not. What I meant is that you are just aren’t the person to be telling a woman what to do in such a situation. It is apparent that you have no sympathy for her nor understand what she is going through.
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Originally Posted by Della
I too cried the first year of my marriage but it wasn’t because of my husband, but because I had been used to living on my own and had to adjust to living with another person and taking his interests into account. And we’ve had some bad times in our 22 years of marriage but not once did my husband tell me that he owned the house, thus making me a mere boarder in my own home.
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I’ll bet he didn’t try to lock you out, either.

Exactly. Thank you for making my point for me.
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Originally Posted by Della
Nor did he dismiss my feelings as if they meant nothing and plowed ahead with doing what he wanted no matter if it hurt me or not. He’s always listened to my point of view with not just an open mind but with an open heart. Something Seminole’s husband clearly will not or cannot seem to do.
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When one starts out wrong, one has to play catch up. What we have here is a pattern of fighting and emotional scenes. The first step is to break up that pattern.

What started out wrong here is this man deceived this gal and won’t give up what so clearly is hurtful to his wife. In fact, he doesn’t even seem to regard her as his wife but as an intruder who has no more right to ask anything of him than a stranger. And where did she say she instigated “emotional scenes”. You are assuming things you can’t possibly know or relate to–that is obvious to us women, at least.
 
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Della:
Being a man you wouldn’t understand what it is for a woman to suddenly discover that the man she thought she married doesn’t exist.
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Being a woman I can understand and then some. You wanna talk adjustment? 🙂 Try this one for size. 6 years after the “I do”, I get a call. Pregnant with our third child…and a doctor has to tell me the man I married has an secret. OH! Yeah…genetic secret…scars explained away as an old baseball injury…and he and my dh go to bat to convince me to abort the child as it will also have this. Never mind our oldest 2 already have the propensity…which I did not know about until that fateful day.As I said…he told me a lie. He knew very well he carried the cancer gene and it was passed on from his mother. And he had the stubborness to persist in claiming it no big deal. :eek:

Now theres a mountain to climb. I climbed it…I didn’t dodge it.
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Della:
And we’ve had some bad times in our 22 years of marriage but not once did my husband tell me that he owned the house, thus making me a mere boarder in my own home. Nor did he dismiss my feelings as if they meant nothing and plowed ahead with doing what he wanted no matter if it hurt me or not. He’s always listened to my point of view with not just an open mind but with an open heart. Something Seminole’s husband clearly will not or cannot seem to do.
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Sorry to say…if that was the biggest insult my dh ever came up with I would laugh my head off. :rolleyes: Try being diagnosed with “MS” and that was when the “D” word was mentioned. Yeah! Lovely…but again…I climb mountains …I don’t take the first bus out. Where in the world do people get the idea that married life must all be about my feelings…my needs…my wants? Marriage is work. Darn hard work. But our marriage is stronger and better for the fact we both worked at it.
 
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Della:
Being a woman you wouldn’t understand what it is for a man to suddenly discover that the woman he thought he married doesn’t exist.

Please, we aren’t talking about a man here who is trying to be understanding, he is, as far as I’m concerned, a jerk, and my husband has looked into this situation and agrees with me.
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And that says it all – you have decided he is a jerk. You never met him, never heard his side, but he’s a jerk. Ditch him and be done with him.
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Della:
Oh please! Even if she did any of these things a woman does them out of frustration, not to get anything out of a man. This gal isn’t the type to try to manipulate anyone. She is genuinely hurt and can’t understand why her husband is being so cold and hard when confronted with her very legitimate concerns.

She SAID she did them! And, yes, she’s hurt. But what she’s doing now isn’t working.
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Della:
Not necessarily. You may THINK you know all about it, but 5 will get you 10 you don’t.
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But you do? You, who never met them know them better than people who knew them for years, including their own brothers?
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Della:
I am. And I don’t care if you are or not. What I meant is that you are just aren’t the person to be telling a woman what to do in such a situation. It is apparent that you have no sympathy for her nor understand what she is going through.
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But you are? Based on what?
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Della:
Exactly. Thank you for making my point for me.
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I thought it was MY point that emotion, crying and locking him out wouldn’t work.
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Della:
What started out wrong here is this man deceived this gal and won’t give up what so clearly is hurtful to his wife. In fact, he doesn’t even seem to regard her as his wife but as an intruder who has no more right to ask anything of him than a stranger. And where did she say she instigated “emotional scenes”. You are assuming things you can’t possibly know or relate to–that is obvious to us women, at least.
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She asked us what she should do – we can only evaluate her strategy and see that it isn’t working.

As for the rest of that – how do you KNOW so much about this man you never met?
 
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Marie:
Sorry to say…if that was the biggest insult my dh ever came up with I would laugh my head off. :rolleyes: Try being diagnosed with “MS” and that was when the “D” word was mentioned. Yeah! Lovely…but again…I climb mountains …I don’t take the first bus out. Where in the world do people get the idea that married life must all be about my feelings…my needs…my wants? Marriage is work. Darn hard work. But our marriage is stronger and better for the fact we both worked at it.
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Great post!

We can ALL dredge up things to prove our husbands or wives are really rat finks – but my wife and I prefer to stick to our vows and work things out.
 
I’m not going to build on the good (and unfortunately, sometimes bad) advice given here. But I will say that we absolutely do not know enough about the situation to tell her to end this marriage. Perhaps a priest close to the situation could give that advice, but no one here is qualified based on the information we have here (or lack thereof).
 
vern humphrey:
We can ALL dredge up things to prove our husbands or wives are really rat finks – but my wife and I prefer to stick to our vows and work things out.
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Boy isn’t that the truth…my dh would love to share my faults…but he’s tied up right now. 😃 Er! Scuse me while I shut the door to the closet I shoved him into. He is struggling to get the gag off and kicking the door. Thinks I am going to let him have his say…NOT! :rotfl:
 
She asked us what she should do – we can only evaluate her strategy and see that it isn’t working.
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Right. And I think I and others here who have advised her to separate and take care of her interests are right.
As for the rest of that – how do you KNOW so much about this man you never met?
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Because I watched helplessly as my sister went through 2 such marriages and divorces. Believe me, I know the early signs of a bad marriage and this certainly has all the hallmarks of one. Besides, as a 57 year old woman I’ve had enough experience of the world to know what’s what. 😉
 
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Della:
Right. And I think I and others here who have advised her to separate and take care of her interests are right.

Because I watched helplessly as my sister went through 2 such marriages and divorces. Believe me, I know the early signs of a bad marriage and this certainly has all the hallmarks of one. Besides, as a 57 year old woman I’ve had enough experience of the world to know what’s what. 😉
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Della…the point being…you know your sister and her ex’s. You DON"T know these people. Obviously your sister has a problem with relationships…but that does not mean this couple have to divorce just because your sis picks losers.(It is usually a 2 way street btw…your sis didn’t marry a shadow.)
 
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Marie:
Della…the point being…you know your sister and her ex’s. You DON"T know these people. Obviously your sister has a problem with relationships…but that does not mean this couple have to divorce just because your sis picks losers.(It is usually a 2 way street btw…your sis didn’t marry a shadow.)
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You can dismiss what I think this woman ought to do, but not by what I’ve related about my sister. I can’t and wouldn’t explain the whole situation, but neither marriage was a real marriage right from the get-go, just like Seminole’s really isn’t. When a man deceives a woman by demonstrating that he never had any intention of keeping his vows, no marriage exists. Period.
 
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Della:
You can dismiss what I think this woman ought to do, but not by what I’ve related about my sister. I can’t and wouldn’t explain the whole situation, but neither marriage was a real marriage right from the get-go, just like Seminole’s really isn’t. When a man deceives a woman by demonstrating that he never had any intention of keeping his vows, no marriage exists. Period.
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Well, Della…as a cradle Catholic and a married lady who has sure been over the highs and the lows…I find it a very bad precident to advise a total stranger to divorce.

Nay…let me say…should I do such a thing…I would even consider it participating in a serious sin. That is a strong Catholic teaching ingrained in my soul from birth. I am not going to be cowtowed by the modren worlds view of “poor little ole me,” We better get a divorce because so and so’s husband did this and they got a divorce. Very bad advice in the first place and in the second…seriously wrong theologically and spiritually.

In no way can any of us know the worth of this marriage. In no way can we advise divorce based on our own experience.
 
Vern,

Only a couple of the many people who have posted here have out and out advised this woman to leave her husband. I am not one of them. I think that it is something she should be willing to consider. I think she would be better advised to get the opinion of her priest.

You say that I am projecting. Actually, what I am doing is sharing my experience as someone whose husband has similar qualities and who has done everything possible in 16 years of marriage to keep the marriage together when perhaps I should not have.

Her husband’s “it’s my house” attitude is very similar to my husband’s. When we married we both worked, and in fact I made twice as much as him. When I became pregnant with my second child his career was starting to take off, and we decided together for me to stay home with our children. Now he lords money over me, “Do you have $10 to pay for it…” and calls me a roommate without a job. I have since said that I want to go back to work, so I am not in the same situation. He says no because I might not make dinner then and he doesn’t want to have eat convenience food, he doesn’t want the kids in day care, the kid’s grades might suffer etc. Yet he hasn’t dropped his it’s my money attitude. Can’t you see the parallels in my situation and seminolegirls. Can’t you see why I see big red flags that he is a potential abuser/ controller? I actually do know of a few more people who have been involved in abusive marriages, and this one has all of the hallmarks.
 
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