Trying to stay married

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I had a male friend, he was a great friend too. My fiance was jealous and constantly said that this guy only wanted me for sex. i didn’t believe him…until we went camping with a huge group of friends…including my friend. After he got completely pailed, he confessed his love for me, and how he wanted me to leave my fiance for him…I said no…then he got a little physical. I quickly gave up on that friendship.

My fiance had a friend in university, she was with him all the time. I got a bit jealous and he told me there was nothing to worry about (this was 2 years ago). About 5 months ago, he admitted that he had cheated on me with her, once, she initiated it. I was really upset but i forgave him, i knew he was sorry (he dropped out of university 2 weeks after it happened, to avoid her).

Basically, with my experience, opposite sex friends are bad news unless you and you husband are both friends with the person. I wouldn’t ask your husband to give up his friendship, but try to initiate a friendship between you and his friend.
 
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lacoloratura:
In response to a couple of posts here…I have already told him how I feel, and I know that if I forced him into a choice he’d leave (for the reasons I stated above). The question is, is it right for me to do that, knowing what will happen? Or do I stay, and pray for his change of heart? It is, of course, not something anyone can tell me the answer to. I just want to do what’s right…
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Friend:

If you forced him into a choice and he’d leave as you say, that’s your answer. There has to be boundaries in marriage. PLEASE read the marvelous book “Boundaries in Marriage” by the men from New Life, a Christian counseling talk radio team. It’s a great book really, I learned alot from it–you will too! You can find it at a Christian bookstore. I’m so sorry for your situation, but maybe this action will hopefully, Lord willing jolt him into the right gear!!! Maybe read the book first, pray about it and then decide what to do.

God Bless~~
 
“Give yourself to God and leave it up to him.”

Wow! You said exactly what I was trying to say in one sentence!:bowdown2:
 
lacoloratura,

This is a difficult situation, and you have my prayers.

There are four things a husband needs from his wife:

Acceptance. Loving him as he is, not treating him as a “remodeling project.”
Appreciation. Recognizing and noting all the various things he contributes to your life – practical and more subjective.
Admiration. For his character and his abilities.
AFFIRMATION. Men need to be told they are appreciated and admired, over and over and over again.

If this “best friend” is the one giving him these things instead of you, then I would suggest you pull back and re-evaluate your contribution to the marriage relationship.

I know two men who are unfaithful to their wives. Both are generally known as “good men” in our community; both wives are sweet lovely women… but neither one of them communicates their love of their husbands very well. Both of them turn their noses up at their husbands’ friends and hobbies and refuse to support them in any way.

For example, one of the men regularly drinks coffee at a local shop, but his wife never accompanies him. The other loves to go to the beach and go fishing, but his wife doesn’t like to fish. It would be a very good thing if this first wife were to go drink coffee with her husband a couple of times a week and mingle with his friends; the second could take her book or her paints and go with her husband – it’s not a fishing buddy he is wanting, but her company and her accomodation.

, both couple are living separate lives sharing a common address, despite whatever affections they may have for one another. I feel so helpless, because I know these things… and there is no way I can enter the subject with either one of the women without revealing what I know about their private sorrow.

Your situation is a bit different in that you’re not presently living together. But I think you are clever enough to derive any meaning or value from the examples for yourself.

Oh! I just remembered a kind of embarrassing thing. Several years ago, when I was married to my first husband, I had a “best friend” who was a man. We flirted with adultery, although we didn’t sleep together. If my husband had had any reaction other than scorn for the ideal of marriage as companionship, I would not have been vulnerable to the attentions of a man who thought I was bright, companionable, and lovely.

Is your husband suffering from any deficiencies in your marriage relationship? May God give you wisdom and insight – and courage.
 
I’m gonna be blunt, but I don’t think you’re trying too hard to stay married. You sound like you’re wanting to be an opera singer or something. I don’t think it’s right for those priests to be telling you that you can get an annulment, so that you can entertain thoughts of divorce and freedom. We all have these thoughts sometimes. I don’t think you should be jealous of this women friend. If you believe him that he is faithful, why should he have to give up a good friend just because you say he should. Why couldn’t you be friends with her also. Many people have had to put up with alot more than this in a marraige. I don’t know all of the details. I just know that you are married. This is a lifelong committment. If he is a decent man & he is faithful & he allows you to practice your faith, you should not leave him. Go ahead and be an example to others of being faithful to your committments. Be positive & think of the good in the man and in your life. Pray. God Bless you.
 
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lacoloratura:
So what I’m wondering is - how should I handle this situation as a person who wants to follow Jesus and His Church’s teachings? I know that only I can decide, but I want to do what’s right in His eyes. Is it reasonable of me to look on this as suffering to offer up (for the rest of my life…)? Or is it over the top? Thanks for listening to my ultra-long rant. I am so thankful to have this place to express it.
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Dear Lacoloratura,
GET HELP…the two of you. There is a Vatican approved Catholic Couples group in Seattle called Couples For Christ. With out going throug great detail I’ll just say, they saved my marriage. If you want more information you can contact me or go to www.couplesforchrist.us .
 
Try going on a Marriage Encounter weekend… or if you think there is danger of divorce, try Retrouvaille.

The emphasis of these to programs is to foster communication between you and your spouse. Asking advice from other people can often be asking for trouble, especially since everyone has their own opinion and nobody knows your whole story.

These programs both offer babysitting for the weekend that you will go on the retreat. Do it. It saved my marriage.

I will pray for you.
 
I answered to your other post, just a quick note. I understand you want to follow God’s will in the matter of your marriage. God’s will is that He hates divorce, and there is no person on earth who can dissolve a true marriage. But if you have no marriage then it would not be sinful to separate. Did you only consider separation when times were getting bad? Or did you wonder about the marriage being true when it was good? I guess my thought is: Don’t consider annulment just because the times are bad. If you feel your husband is hindering your faith or would hinder the faith of your future children, then look into it. God bless you, I have just prayed a Hail Mary for your situation.
 
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pegrok:
I’m gonna be blunt, but I don’t think you’re trying too hard to stay married. You sound like you’re wanting to be an opera singer or something.
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I think you’ve missed the point of my comments about my career. I have no intention of abandoning my family for an operatic career - but at the same time, I STRONGLY believe that if God gives you a gift, you are obligated to use it! My husband has absolutely no problem with this; in fact, he understands perfectly, as he is a musician too (emphasis on church and college level programs).

I have put up with a lot of negativity from my family and friends about the fact that I’ve stayed with him when they think he treats me HORRIBLY. I stick up for him when he doesn’t deserve it. I’ve stayed married to him for five years, even though I’ve been miserable for a lot of that time, because I didn’t want to give up. I’ve prayed, and prayed, and PRAYED for a solution to this situation.

We attended a Retrouvaille weekend last January, but it didn’t help us the way I would have liked. We have seen counselors, but he resists going again because he says “we’ve tried that, and it didn’t work.” He doesn’t seem to get it that you have to go more than 3-4 times to get anything out of it! Besides the fact that you really have to shop around to find the one that is best for you. He thinks that counselors are only there to help you figure out your problems, not to help you solve them, too. If you have a suggestion as to how to get him back into counseling, I’m all ears! 🙂

I am interested in the Couples for Christ group, though. Depending on its nature, he MIGHT be talked into trying it - I haven’t looked at the link yet, but will as soon as I finish this! Thank you!!!
 
There is just too much to throughly read here, but Lacoloratura (I won’t try to pronounce it), I gathered that you and Dear Husband (to be referred to as DH from here on) are at present, separated from one another.

Damn.

I too have struggled with my non-Catholic spouse whose friendships and work acquaintences have burdened our marriage over the years. I wonder if his friend was male if the relationship would trouble you so? Isn’t the real jist that he is forsaking his marriage for personal satisfaction (freedom)? He could easily do that with either female or male cohorts. All of my spouses friends were those of the same sex (I would say that she had only same sex relationships, but at the present day, that would sound even worse…eek.), still even though the threat of infidelity was marginally subdued, there is much more to maintaining a marriage, and likewise neglecting or forsaking the Sacrament for one’s own personal benefit is truely abandonment and infidelity in its own right.

Damn, again.

Its just a tough deal. As I recall, I felt like I was having ice cold water poured over my head…you know, that feeling of losing your breath and not being able to catch it again. “Oh God, please don’t let me get divorced…Please!” I would find myself saying the first year I was married, and then I came to modify my plea…as a matter of fact it was right around the time of my confirmation…I changed my prayer to “God, if it is you will, please keep our marriage together and help me to be and do the best I can each day”.

There is no happy ending here because the story continues. I did confront my spouse and likewise the friendships dissapated…not so much from what I demanded, but just through the fact that her friends were married and had their own lives several states away, and we had ours, it just naturally seemed to curtail. But I know God intervened. I was ready to leave and start anew. I had thought about annulment and divorce, and sometimes I still think about it. Regretably I might even speak of such in the heat of an argument…it does only damage and no good to make such threats. It was through this strife that I have grown to love my wife as myself. To see in her the things that I hate about myself. To love of myself the things that attracted me to her. The nuances and quirks about her character, and the way she only has 3 good hair days a month.

She’s still not Catholic, and boldly proclaims that she never will be. There are so many struggles and so much strife in trying to make a marriage work that I just want you to know that I am praying for you and DH.

I agree that he needs to curtail his friendship with this female, but I must ask, what need is she currently filling in his life that you will have to care for once he distances himself from her? This is to say, will then you be required to make sacrifice or accomodation such that you can acquiesce whatever it may be that he has sought in this friend?

Pax Christi
 
I always liked this phrase…“God brought you to it, God will bring you through it”… I thought that might be fitting too…🙂 I don’t have any opinion or advice, I just feel relieved that all marriages have hard time and struggles… I am going through this now myself… I just want to thank those people who posted encouragement…to press on and give it too God… I needed to hear that myself.

To the original poster though, I will keep praying for you and others like us who are currently having difficulties in our marriages…

Tanya
 
I don’t know if I’m doing this thread thing right. But I’m writing you back. First you were talking about this women friend and now you are saying that he treats you really badly for some reason. Yet it seems he supports your music career. You also say you love him. He may be interested in a protestant couples group, but not a Catholic one. He doesn’t sound that unreasonable to me.

Anyway, what are you expecting from marraige? I don’t know that many couples that are in “Christian couples groups” or bible studies or prayer groups. Not that it wouldn’t be wonderful if lots of couples are doing these things. But it seems to me that you are looking for a soulmate or something. Did you realize that God does not owe you a soulmate husband and that maybe you will not get one. It is the Lord who you need to be close to, not necessarily your husband. This is hard to accept. Especially for women who grow up watching romantic movies & dreaming of closeness and romance. I used to love those western where the brave cowboy would ride up, fight the bad guys and save the girl. I used to watch those on Sat mornings whenever I could as an adolesent. I had those same hopes & dreams when I got married 22 years ago. But my husband is not romantic & he is not my soulmate. But I have happy times & love my kids. I appreciate that he has worked faithfully & supported us all these years. That’s a lot.

I think you are trying to pressure him to change. Why does he have to change? Is he the same man that he was when he married you? Did he trick you into thinking that he was a different man than he is? Why does he have to be religious like you want him to be? All christians really have to do is try to stay free of sin, and we all fail at this from time to time. Read the new testament. As long as he allows you to practise your faith and he is reasonable (for example, not a severe addict or physically abusive) to live with, then you should keep your vows (till death do us part).

I think most people live very simple lives. They don’t have great accomplishments. They work at their simple jobs for many years, raise a family & retire, and hopefully contribute to society along the way.

Why don’t you let him be. Get close to God. Be a nice wife to him. That’s your job. Quite trying to change him. That’s God’s job & he may not do it for many years if at all. You have to trust God, not expect quick miracles.

Anyway, that’s what I think from reading what you have to say about him.

I think today’s society is expecting too much out of marraige. In the past I think people could rely on extended families to take care of many of their social needs.
 
It’s very interesting - over the course of the past couple of weeks, I have found myself more and more able to let go of the things I’ve been trying to let go of for so long…and that I’m finally finding some of the peace that I’ve been praying for at the same time! Obviously, as an imperfect human being, I won’t achieve the level of acceptance that I would like - but I finally think I MIGHT be in a place where I can just say, “I forgive you,” and let go of the things that went wrong (there is not enough room on this entire forum for me to go into THAT). Thank you, Lord! 🙂

Thank you so much to all of you for your prayers. The struggle’s not over yet - I hope you will continue to pray - but I wanted you to know that so far, it’s working!
 
I might be naive on this situation but im going to try anyway so forgive me if i miss something.

I think you should give him the benefit of the dought. If you know for a fact there is something going on that surpsses the bounds of friendship then you need marriage counseling or something. I myself have more female friends then male friends, i just feel i can connect with them better. This does not seem to bother my relationships.
 
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lacoloratura:
It’s very interesting - over the course of the past couple of weeks, I have found myself more and more able to let go of the things I’ve been trying to let go of for so long…and that I’m finally finding some of the peace that I’ve been praying for at the same time! Obviously, as an imperfect human being, I won’t achieve the level of acceptance that I would like - but I finally think I MIGHT be in a place where I can just say, “I forgive you,” and let go of the things that went wrong (there is not enough room on this entire forum for me to go into THAT). Thank you, Lord! 🙂

Thank you so much to all of you for your prayers. The struggle’s not over yet - I hope you will continue to pray - but I wanted you to know that so far, it’s working!
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I am so glad to hear of an improvment in your situation, thank You Jesus! You are right as an imperfect human being, you will not acheive the level of acceptance you are looking for. Who knows what the right level of acceptance is anyway. But in Christ … you are assured of VICTORY, which in my opinion is much better than acceptance. Now again, who knows what victory is in your situation, but you will know it by your peace and understanding! God bless and thanks for the update. Please every one pray for this marriage. We need STRONG marriages today more than ever!
 
I think you should not be in such a rush to make a decision. Sometimes time works a situation out pretty well. When I was going through bad times in my marriage, someone told me that if there’s reasons now for an annulment, they will always be there. So there’s no rush to get this annulment. If the marriage is invalid, it will still be invalid 20 years down the road.

So sit back and wait. Put your marriage completely in God’s hands and let Him work things out in His own time. It may take a few months, it may take 10 years, but you’d be surprised how things can turn around when God’s in control!

Maybe right now the best thing you can do is give your husband some space to decide what’s really important to him. It does sound like he needs to grow up and he is definitely not committed to his vows. There’s nothing you can do about that but put it in God’s hands. Let your husband be the one to make the step to file for divorce. Once that happens, then I guess maybe that’s God’s way of telling you that you should seek the annulment.
 
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lacoloratura:
It’s very interesting - over the course of the past couple of weeks, I have found myself more and more able to let go of the things I’ve been trying to let go of for so long…and that I’m finally finding some of the peace that I’ve been praying for at the same time! Obviously, as an imperfect human being, I won’t achieve the level of acceptance that I would like - but I finally think I MIGHT be in a place where I can just say, “I forgive you,” and let go of the things that went wrong (there is not enough room on this entire forum for me to go into THAT). Thank you, Lord! 🙂

Thank you so much to all of you for your prayers. The struggle’s not over yet - I hope you will continue to pray - but I wanted you to know that so far, it’s working!
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Wonderful to hear how His grace is working for you. Be assured of continued prayers.
 
I think the Holy Spirit may be working through some of the replies. I too look at my marriage (30 years) and wonder why when so many marriages don’t make it (almost 50%), why am I still married when there are so many unresolved hurts even after counseling and prayer. I think if I could be more forgiving and giving, I would be a better wife. I especially want to thank Ana for her thoughts and Mandy for the Wife’s prayer. I’ve copied it and will pray it too. One of Padre St. Pio’s quotes helps me through my discouraging times…“In all the events of life, you must recognize the Divine Will. Adore and bless it, especially in the things which are the hardest for you”. :gopray2:
 
I see so many good responses!
To reiterate:
  1. Give yourself to God, and let Him do the rest! (I like this!)
  2. Unfortunately, it’s not easy to give yourself to God in that way. Pray the rosary every day, and do a novena to Our Lady of Perpetual Help. She is a pretty amazing intercessor. In any case, praying morning, noon, and night is the only way to increase in wisdom and holiness. 10-15 minutes each time. I recommend reading The Magnificat (a monthly magazine with mass readings and morning and night prayers based on the divine office) as a way to focus your thoughts.
  3. There is no such thing as friendship between a man and a woman, beyond the casual. Maybe if one of you is gay, but that’s pushing it. 😉 Kimberly Hahn said in one of her tapes once that when she counsels young people at the University of Steubenville, they TRY to tell her their friendships with another person of the opposite sex is like a St. Francis/St. Clare “spiritual” friendship. But, she would say that when two people of the opposite sex would have a deep prayer time together (where they shared a lot of themselves), they felt so INTIMATE, sexual temptations came right after, and sin. Telling anyone besides your spouse about your problems/inner thoughts/anything intimate is a betrayal of the trust between wife and husband. It’s inevitable. I refuse to have strong friendships with men, unless I know their spouse as well. For my sake, and theirs. It’s called, “guarding your heart.” I think your husband doesn’t get this because this woman is meeting a need he has right now, and he probably meets a need for her as well, so he is defending it to the core. Fine, he won’t change his viewpoint right away. But, don’t let anyone tell you one minute that it’s okay. (Funny, I used to complain that my husband doesn’t have that many friends… but, now I’m happy that I’m the friend he comes home to tell everything to!)
  1. Stay with the marriage a while longer (which it sounds like you’re doing! Good for you!). You made a vow, and now you must do what needs to be done to save it. Move back in with him. Unless he is physically or verbally abusive (in which case, you must stay away for your safety), make the first move back into the household. You might have to do a lot of the first moves, and giving in this relationship. There are many saints who lived with not-so-great husbands, but they just prayed and prayed, and became holy. It kind of wears off on them, after a while…😉 If you want to be a singer, then great! Find a way to do it close to your husband. Sacrifices are a part of marriage. Start making them. God will find a way to use your talent, as well as save your marriage. I promise.
God bless you and your husband!
Amy
 

Without going into too much history, here is the problem. My husband has a best friend who is a woman! I am very bothered by her place in his life​

I don’t blame you. #1 your husband’s priority is you. IF he knows this makes you uncomfortable he should invite YOU to every outing with this woman.

#2. I don’t know of many men who have a women as a best friend who they are not physical with if you get my drift… Seriously you should be his best friend.
 
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