Uncharitable response to request for help

[jmjZelie]

I agree, they can’t be faulted for caring about the babies, I just wish they had some love to spare for the mothers.

This is uncalled for. You are making rash judgements against these women. What was being asked of them was to provide luxuries for the unwed mothers instead of necessities.

I stand by my earlier response. I would have been shocked in their shoes, and I am appalled by how you are characterizing their response to an unexpected and out of place request. It would be completely different if it was only requested to help with some of the necessities for the mothers as well as the babies.

 

[Irishmom2]

I agree, they can’t be faulted for caring about the babies, I just wish they had some love to spare for the mothers.

Well, to them, it would appear that they are separate issues.

Maybe you could chair a different event for the mothers? I would bet that there are other people willing to show their support for the moms. Perhaps for example, the spa afternoon. You might be able to find women willing to come in and offer haircuts, or manicures in an earlier part of their pregnancy. Something to make them feel beautiful.

It might be nice if the moms could share time together socially and makes friends with each other so they have friends experiencing the same thing as they are. Perhaps a group might want to provide snacks and drinks and a place to meet and relax.

 

[Anglewannabe]

I agree, they can’t be faulted for caring about the babies, I just wish they had some love to spare for the mothers.

As charitable as it is to care about the mothers, it does not change the fact that different people like to give to different charities. And sadly, in Canada at least, I feel like all the ‘good charities’ are hiding a political agenda and the true reason to give is no longer the focus.

People are fed up with giving. We live in a fallen world.

yes it is admirable that you care about the mothers. Yes, it was wrong for these women to snub the idea instead of politely declining. But… at some point, you need to be sympathetic to the givers or else they will quit giving for the babies. Often when a heart felt thank you is not given for the smallest of things, no second gift is given

 

[Xantippe]

Losing the event they enjoyed in favor of a new thing is probably an important element in the lack of enthusiasm.

Imagine if you were in a group that did a much anticipated yearly bake sale or spaghetti feed, and at the last minute, a 5k race was substituted instead?

People (and especially older people) don’t like change.

 

[pianistclare]

I’ve seen this kind of attitude before. I remember very well the well-heeled teachers at the Catholic school believing that the poor children from the Angel Giving tree should only get underwear and sox for Christmas, not toys.

Next time around, ask for monetary donations. Have the Church write the director
a check. and let them decide what to get.

It’s a shame though.

 

[57classic]

The only luxury I believed they asked for was a night out, not several nights, a night. If someone could only give a little, that could be pooled with others into a prepaid credit card the girls could use for a night out. A gift card to a discount store to be used to buy their clothes and toiletries is not a luxury. The choice was clear in the invitation.

I guess I should have said at the beginning, we are a small parish maybe 300 families in a small town. The home is in a larger, college town about 100 miles away and the only one in this quadrant of the state so they do receive help throughout the year from all over. We meet 4 times a year, next year I will certainly approach this differently.

I haven’t been unsympathetic to these ladies, the feelings were only expressed to me this morning over coffee and rolls after Mass. I asked if they would come and just when the negativity started, the priest sat down with us and the discussion was over.

“Often when a heart felt thank you is not given for the smallest of things, no second gift is given”

I agree and I will be gracious regardless of the amount of support shown. I’m sure there will be those who will bring something just for the babies and I will sincerely thank them for their thoughtfulness.

 

[Anglewannabe]

The only luxury I believed they asked for was a night out, not several nights, a night. If someone could only give a little, that could be pooled with others into a prepaid credit card the girls could use for a night out. .

yes, but it is still asking for a luxury and that turns people off. I am sure there could be some community events these women go to. My local library has free movies every Saturday afternoon and the movies are only 2 years old

A gift card to a discount store to be used to buy their clothes and toiletries is not a luxury. The choice was clear in the invitation…

Perhaps instead of a gift card ask for donations of toiletries and gently used clothes

I guess I should have said at the beginning, we are a small parish maybe 300 families in a small town. The home is in a larger, college town about 100 miles away and the only one in this quadrant of the state so they do receive help throughout the year from all over. We meet 4 times a year, next year …

The home is that far away and they have other donors? That would make me think why not give more to my community and since they already have plenty of support and donor they obviously don’t need that much. That is starting to explain these women’s feelings

I will certainly approach this differently. .

Sadly people might sense the asking for money will be going to the moms not the babies because of what happened this year. So a LOT of creativity is going to be needed to get money to buy the moms things. Not to mention there is always the people who don’t listen and will buy a baby gift anyway

“Often when a heart felt thank you is not given for the smallest of things, no second gift is given”

I agree and I will be gracious regardless of the amount of support shown. I’m sure there will be those who will bring something just for the babies and I will sincerely thank them for their thoughtfulness.

I know you will do that very well

 

[Xantippe]

yes, but it is still asking for a luxury and that turns people off. I am sure there could be some community events these women go to. My local library has free movies every Saturday afternoon and the movies are only 2 years old

Perhaps instead of a gift card ask for donations of toiletries and gently used clothes

The home is that far away and they have other donors? That would make me think why not give more to my community and since they already have plenty of support and donor they obviously don’t need that much. That is starting to explain these women’s feelings

Sadly people might sense the asking for money will be going to the moms not the babies because of what happened this year. So a LOT of creativity is going to be needed to get money to buy the moms things. Not to mention there is always the people who don’t listen and will buy a baby gift anyway

I know you will do that very well

Some clothes stuff has to be gotten new–like underwear.

Come to think of it, a lot of women have their feet expand during pregnancy, so a lot of the moms probably need new shoes.

 

[Anglewannabe]

Some clothes stuff has to be gotten new–like underwear.

.

Believe it or not, I have gone shopping out of town and come back with 6 pairs of underwear. I only opened 3 of them and wore them and they were uncomfortable. The other 3 have been in a drawer for almost 2 years for when I ‘loose weight’. I would gladly donate them. Or sometimes ordering from ‘Jokey for her’ I need a big order to get free delivery. I would gladly top my order up to get free shipping by buying some underwear to donate. So…underwear can be donated

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

While I wouldn’t contort my face up, I would probably not purchase movie tickets for unwed mothers. Heck 99 percent of those movies glorify and encourage bad sexual morals!

But I would be open to donating items for the care of the mothers as well as the baby. What I would not like is if the tone came accross as preachy or demanding. Then I wouldn’t donate at all.

 

[pianistclare]

Oh my goodness.
We give because we’re Catholic and the Lord asks us to care for those who have little.
End of story and explanations.
If people can’t give out of pure charity and love, then those poor women don’t need their $$$.
Nothing given without a sense of pure charity and love is worth it.
Meh.

 

[57classic]

Thank you all for your responses. You have given me much to ponder.

 

[Maximilan_Kolbe]

While I wouldn’t contort my face up, I would probably not purchase movie tickets for unwed mothers. Heck 99 percent of those movies glorify and encourage bad sexual morals!

But I would be open to donating items for the care of the mothers as well as the baby. What I would not like is if the tone came accross as preachy or demanding. Then I wouldn’t donate at all.

I think the OPs issue is part with the unwillingness to donate, which we can debate, because as stated, there are limits to what folks can do and also to what they deem worthy, and the other part is the overt rudeness of how they decided not to.

To ask if someone was a repeat offender is about as unChristian as it gets. And to make faces is childish and the height of hubris, IMO.

I wonder if eye rolling and exaggerated yawns are okay when listening to a Homily or in a confessional?

When I choose not to donate to something that simply isn’t my cup of tea, I generally don’t take it upon myself to let the requestor know how silly I think their request is, unless there are serious moral issues at play. In this case, it appears the ladies were simply aghast at the suggestion, and didn’t have the décor or civility t0 simply make a mental note to refrain from the mothers’ donations.

 

[57classic]

The home is that far away and they have other donors? That would make me think why not give more to my community and since they already have plenty of support and donor they obviously don’t need that much. That is starting to explain these women’s feelings

LOL everything is that far away!
The home is a strong prolife symbol, the only one on this end of the state meaning it is something concrete we can support without driving to the other end. of the state. They have other donors but in an agriculture based economy donations fluctuate with the price of commodities. I don’t know what they do for the actual maintenance of the house,that may be something else we could contribute to in the future.

I am frustrated as our study group just finished the Wisdom and Works of Mercy workbook and You Did It To Me by Fr. Michael Gaitley that goes with The One Thing Is Three study session. It is all about works of mercy and loving the sinner while hating the sin. One of those who are hostile to the mothers sat right beside me in the study group.

Sigh

 

[Irishmom2]

I think the OPs issue is part with the unwillingness to donate, which we can debate, because as stated, there are limits to what folks can do and also to what they deem worthy, and the other part is the overt rudeness of how they decided not to.

To ask if someone was a repeat offender is about as unChristian as it gets. And to make faces is childish and the height of hubris, IMO.

I wonder if eye rolling and exaggerated yawns are okay when listening to a Homily or in a confessional?

When I choose not to donate to something that simply isn’t my cup of tea, I generally don’t take it upon myself to let the requestor know how silly I think their request is, unless there are serious moral issues at play. In this case, it appears the ladies were simply aghast at the suggestion, and didn’t have the décor or civility t0 simply make a mental note to refrain from the mothers’ donations.

Yes, this. If they don’t want to give, for whatever reason, just don’t. No need to be rude, no need to editorialize. Just don’t give.

 

[Irishmom2]

I am frustrated as our study group just finished the Wisdom and Works of Mercy workbook and You Did It To Me by Fr. Michael Gaitley that goes with The One Thing Is Three study session. It is all about works of mercy and loving the sinner while hating the sin. One of those who are hostile to the mothers sat right beside me in the study group.

Sigh

You can lead a horse to water…

People hear the Gospel readings every week and yet continue to ignore the message unfortunately.

 

[Xantippe]

LOL everything is that far away!
The home is a strong prolife symbol, the only one on this end of the state meaning it is something concrete we can support without driving to the other end. of the state. They have other donors but in an agriculture based economy donations fluctuate with the price of commodities. I don’t know what they do for the actual maintenance of the house,that may be something else we could contribute to in the future.

I am frustrated as our study group just finished the Wisdom and Works of Mercy workbook and You Did It To Me by Fr. Michael Gaitley that goes with The One Thing Is Three study session. It is all about works of mercy and loving the sinner while hating the sin. One of those who are hostile to the mothers sat right beside me in the study group.

Sigh

The maintenance help is a very good idea and should get a friendlier hearing.

 

[SuperHappy]

I would like to offer one other reason why some people would rather donate items instead of a gift card…some people cannot afford a $25 gift card whereas they could afford to buy diapers, baby clothes or other supplies using coupons and sales.

Also while there is nothing wrong with asking for donations for the mothers, that should probably be a separate offering, maybe for people like yourself who feel led to that particular ministry.

You’re doing a great thing, helping others!

 

[Xantippe]

**I would like to offer one other reason why some people would rather donate items instead of a gift card…some people cannot afford a $25 gift card whereas they could afford to buy diapers, baby clothes or other supplies using coupons and sales. **

Also while there is nothing wrong with asking for donations for the mothers, that should probably be a separate offering, maybe for people like yourself who feel led to that particular ministry.

You’re doing a great thing, helping others!

Yes.

I get that they could easily be over-supplied with baby clothes (as baby clothes can be reused), but could the maternity home possibly be full-up on diapers and wipes? That doesn’t sound very plausible. Depending on the size, they could easily be spending $500 a month just on diapers.

I’ve occasionally heard of “diaper showers” being done for second-time mothers who already have the basics.

There’s also baby shampoo, baby Tylenol, etc., baby Motrin, diaper cream, etc. that are consumables (and really not that cheap).

 

[SuperHappy]

Yes.

I get that they could easily be over-supplied with baby clothes (as baby clothes can be reused), but could the maternity home possibly be full-up on diapers and wipes? That doesn’t sound very plausible. Depending on the size, they could easily be spending $500 a month just on diapers.

I’ve occasionally heard of “diaper showers” being done for second-time mothers who already have the basics.

There’s also baby shampoo, baby Tylenol, etc., baby Motrin, diaper cream, etc. that are consumables (and really not that cheap).

And although expensive, those items can be purchased very inexpensively if someone knows how to coupon and stack deals. And some people, despite appearances, may not have the extra money to buy gift cards. It’s better to allow people to help as they can afford and as they feel led. Try not to judge because you don’t really know why the ladies reacted as they did.