Want to get married, but don't want children

[Diamond93]

You would promise before God to “lovingly accept children from God”. There is a difference between “I do not want to be pregnant” and “I will abort any pregnancy”. Where on that scale would you see yourself?

I’m on the “I don’t want to be pregnant” side. I would never, ever, ever even think about abortion. As a Catholic, I am 100% against abortion, and as much I would hate being pregnant and having to go through childbirth and all that, the word “abortion” would never even cross my mind.

 

[alice24]

You would promise before God to “lovingly accept children from God”. There is a difference between “I do not want to be pregnant” and “I will abort any pregnancy”. Where on that scale would you see yourself?

As NFP can fail and a Josephite marriage has to be open to change into a sexual relation, too of a spuse wishes - would you accept the children you may get lovingly?
If not, marriage is not a way to go.

 

[Diamond93]

Where you are wrong, though, is that the requirements for being a good wife are different from the requirements of being a good mother. Your understanding of a Catholic marriage and family are not accurate. Both require tremendous sacrifice and self-giving. When you marry someone, it’s no longer about what you want. You make decisions together about how to spend holidays, what to have for dinner, how to spend free time, how to spend money, where to live, etc. I won’t lie- this is hard. But when you choose to become a wife, your life is not your own anymore. This is really not any different than having children. Many of us on here either wives, or wives and mothers, and have a personal perspective on what a Catholic marriage is. If you’ve never been in a relationship, it would be well worth your while to read up on what a Catholic marriage looks like, and what God’s purpose for a marriage and family are.

Yes, I know both involve sacrifice, but the types of sacrifices involved with marriage are different than that of having children. And I’m capable of making the sacrifices involved with being married, but not of raising children. So I agree with you that they both require sacrifice. But the types of sacrifices between the two are different, one of them I’m cut out to do (marriage), the other one (having kids) not so much.

 

[Sunbreak]

You are not alone in having these thoughts. Unfortunately, the Catholic idea of marriage and kids doesn’t allow for this possibility.

 

[alice24]

Unfortunately, the Catholic idea of marriage and kids doesn’t allow for this possibility.

Because you cut the rights of your spouse and ask a person to change never within marriage - if there´s no rule to accept children in marriage, exactly this would be the result. Two people meet, agree to not have children, one spouse changes (as it happens often) and is emotionally forced to become very desperate because he or she either accepts to not have children or to loose the marriage.
You may ask now why the decision is towards the child wishing spouse, as the spouse who stays happy with the decision against children could also be unhappy with the new situation. Here the nature of marriage gives the answer - children are a natural, good consequence of a marriage, not a neutral product beside. This may be difficult to understand for some people today in the western culture, but it´s part of the human nature in which god designed us.

 

[Diamond93]

As NFP can fail and a Josephite marriage has to be open to change into a sexual relation, too of a spuse wishes - would you accept the children you may get lovingly?
If not, marriage is not a way to go.

Yes, I would accept the child lovingly. And as far as the whole Josephite marriage idea goes…ehhh not for me.

 

[Mintaka]

The main thing here is that you don’t need to be in a hurry. It sounds like you haven’t actually met somebody whom you want to marry. Don’t burn your bridges before you even see them in the distance!

The sorta-amusing thing is that you are talking about pregnancy with the same sort of tone that a lot of girls used to use to talk about married sex, when they were in the first few years of contemplating how it works. It was all “I could never do that” or “that is gross” or “I know I would hate it.” And yet, through the magic of puberty, they all changed their minds eventually.

Whereas in my generation, a lot of the same girls that were grossed out by the idea of sex were highly familiar with the gritty details of pregnancy, and not daunted at all by it. They used to give out free maternity magazines at department stores, and I wasn’t the only young kid who read all about that part of human reproduction when I wasn’t that long out of the womb myself. (And of course, anybody who liked horses got hold of the really detailed horse anatomy books, and learned all about breeding and broodmare life.) There were always a lot of pregnant women around, so it was both interesting and familiar.

Re: strenuous exercise, I guess you’re not considering belly weightlifting as a sport!

 

[Mike_from_NJ]

I find in general that people tend to dismiss the idea that someone is not interested in having kids and being a parent. It’s most often not a flight of fancy or something that may change in time. Not everyone has that innate desire to procreate. And getting back to changes, while yes there are some who resist having kids then later pull a 180, the same is true for those who have kids. Regret is probably too strong a word, but there are some who had children (at least a few have because “that’s what you do”) and then look back thinking if they had to do it all over again maybe make other choices.

There are those who talk about the traits to be a spouse and the traits to be a parent. Certainly there is some crossover, but these are two different types of relationships. Just as there are some who want to be parents but aren’t interested in being a spouse, there are those who desire to be a spouse and not a parent. To become one in service of becoming the other can at times be disastrous.

To the OP, I can’t speak as to what is right or allowed based on the Catholic faith on this matter; but I want to let you know that your thinking is reasonable. Don’t let others tell you that your thoughts on this matter come from a place of misunderstanding what it means to be a spouse or to be parent. I hope you can find happiness with whatever you eventually do.

 

[Diamond93]

The main thing here is that you don’t need to be in a hurry. It sounds like you haven’t actually met somebody whom you want to marry. Don’t burn your bridges before you even see them in the distance!

The sorta-amusing thing is that you are talking about pregnancy with the same sort of tone that a lot of girls used to use to talk about married sex, when they were in the first few years of contemplating how it works. It was all “I could never do that” or “that is gross” or “I know I would hate it.” And yet, through the magic of puberty, they all changed their minds eventually.

Whereas in my generation, a lot of the same girls that were grossed out by the idea of sex were highly familiar with the gritty details of pregnancy, and not daunted at all by it. They used to give out free maternity magazines at department stores, and I wasn’t the only young kid who read all about that part of human reproduction when I wasn’t that long out of the womb myself. (And of course, anybody who liked horses got hold of the really detailed horse anatomy books, and learned all about breeding and broodmare life.) There were always a lot of pregnant women around, so it was both interesting and familiar.

Re: strenuous exercise, I guess you’re not considering belly weightlifting as a sport!

I know that there’s no hurry for me, but like I said before, this has been bothering me a lot lately, and I’ve been wanting answers on it so that’s why I came here. It is something I need to think about for my future.

And wow gosh, man how times have changed…haha.

 

[alphawoman]

Me too! Think careerist on steroids meets motherhood for me. I fell in love with motherhood even more deeply than I’d ever dreamed, and I was originally of the mindset that I had no desire to ever be married, let alone have children.

Perspectives do change, and a lot of that comes from lived experience in a close, persona relationship.

And regarding exercise in pregnancy- I kept up an aggressive 5-6 day a week (~12 hours) training regimen into my third trimester. The only changes I made were: no overhead lifting after T2, no supine lifting from T2 (so no heavy bench pressing or pull-overs, IOW), I capped the weight I lifted at 100lbs from 20 weeks, and heart rate wasn’t to consistently exceed 145bpm from T2. These decisions were all made in consultation with my OB, and in the context of my being very active for years prior to pregnancy.

(I must admit, I loved being 8.5 months pregnant and repping out more pull-ups than the men around me!)

 

[alphawoman]

I think this is a fair point. Ultimately, your life has to be true to who you are. If you do choose to marry and not have children (NOT through abortion), that’s your decision and your and your spouse’s life to live.

Just be aware that, in the context of the church, directly willing no children at the time of marriage is a condition for invalidity. What you do with that knowledge is up to you, and you alone.

God bless- these aren’t obvious decisions.

 

[Peeps]

There’s nothing “unfair”–it’s the way God created us. We humans have a desire to reproduce and continue our race. If we didn’t have this desire built into us , humans would become extinct.

 

[Anicette]

You are not elligible to catholic marriage, because openness to procreation is a requierement.

And your civil marriage will not be recognized as valid, if you marry a catholic, and more, if you still refused the gift of cildren.

I doubt there is a lot a person who wish to marry someone who don’t want to have children at all. more, religious persons.

Procreation is the natural end of intercourse. pretending the contrary and act the contrary is a lie.
What do you do, if even with birth control you became pregnant?

Wife and spouse are not a separate role too.

You are currently not ready to get married, at least in a christian: or any religious persepective.

 

[Diamond93]

What do you do, if even with birth control you became pregnant?

For the umpteenth time, I have already said that if I did get pregnant, I would keep the child, raise it, and love it. Gosh, how many times do I have to keep repeating myself?

 

[Anicette]

Sorry, I have see your reply after.

I will add, in my perspective it is not serious to want to practive NFP without want children at all. It is contrary to is nature, and a child can be quickly conceived on an impulsive decision of the couple.
So there are chances that a couple with sexual activity, will have children.

 

[Anicette]

Humm…

I don’t think that don’t want to have children, but don’t abort if any child will be conceived is sufficient to be married.

Abortion subject is not raised in marriage preparation. It is not asked in the vow. But the question of accpet children is.

Of course, I don’t know for Orthodox Churches…

 

[Diamond93]

There’s nothing “unfair”–it’s the way God created us. We humans have a desire to reproduce and continue our race. If we didn’t have this desire built into us , humans would become extinct.

It is unfair that because I don’t feel the way most women feel about having children, through no fault of my own, that I’m not allowed to get married in my own Church and am labelled as being selfish and immature for feeling the way I feel when I have perfectly valid reasons. It seems to me like most of the people here live in a fantasy world with rainbows and unicorns who go on and on about how wonderful children are when they haven’t seen the worst side of them that I’ve seen. I feel like I’m always forced to see the worst in people, while everyone else goes on and lives their happy little sheltered lives ignorant of all the worst life has to offer, and yet I’m supposed to act just as carefree as them? I don’t think so. I feel like God expects too much out of me a lot of the time.

 

[jlc2k2]

We haven’t seen the worst of children? Honestly, you’re not making it easy to take you seriously. Do you think that I haven’t seen the worst of children while raising them? Not only have I seen the worst of them, I’ve seen the worst of myself and my husband. But I’ve also seen the absolute best of us all.

Motherhood is not all hairshirts and gnashing of teeth (nor is it all fun). Marriage is not all birds singing and warm fuzzies (nor is it all bad) .

 

[TheLittleLady]

You are not elligible to catholic marriage, because openness to procreation is a requierement.

Actually, our OP has said that she will lovingly accept children from God. That is the promise that must be made. After that, it is between her and her future husband and their priest. It is up to them to decide if the reasons for using NFP to avoid is a serious reason.

I will again pope Pope Pius XII " Serious motives, such as those which not rarely arise from medical, eugenic, economic and social so-called “indications,” may exempt husband and wife from the obligatory, positive debt for a long period or even for the entire period of matrimonial life. "

Back to quoting me, to practice very conservative NFP for an extended period is not easy. I cannot imagine that anyone with a less than serious motive could do it.

 

[Anicette]

That’s not what I have understood to her post.

She wrote about accepting the already conceived child versus abortion. But will never have willingly children. And it is totally possible with contraception.
She said she don’t want a “josephite marriage”. So your quote will not apply.

As for us, we have been asked directly by the priest if we want to have at least one or two children. Same in marriage preparation. Not if we will accepted them versus abortion.