What do you say to someone despairing over not finding a date?

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DarkLight said:
The trouble here is it’s going beyond getting his feelings hurt - to the point where telling him the truth basically sends him into “life is hopeless and I hope I get hit by a car.”
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I am no mental health pro, but I’m pretty sure there’s much more going on here than simply not finding a relationship or having one end. That in and of itself, while frustrating and crushingly disappointing for any guy, should not immediately cause despair and suicidal thoughts.

He may have been suffering from depression long before this and for unrelated reasons, and the breakup pushed things into the foreground. Someone with an already very poor self image would be more likely to take rejection as a scathing indictment of his value as a person, rather than an experience to learn from or possibly just the result of not finding the right match.

He really ought to see a professional about this. I don’t know the best way for you to help here though.
 
DarkLight said:
I don’t think he is. We’ve been close - he helped me out during much of my worst times for depression. We’ve definitely discussed a relationship and pretty much both decided it wouldn’t work, for various reasons (one of which being he doesn’t want to date a Catholic, particularly).
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That’s a relief.

On reflection, if he’s like this in February, he may be in total crisis by the end of his academic term. What you have described doesn’t sound like a guy who is capable of keeping his academic ducks in a row or doing original work. He could easily be genuinely suicidal once he’s facing several course incompletes–which would put him even further away from finishing his program and leaving town.

Do you know anybody else in his program?
 
Bill_Martin said:
I am no mental health pro, but I’m pretty sure there’s much more going on here than simply not finding a relationship or having one end. That in and of itself, while frustrating and crushingly disappointing for any guy, should not immediately cause despair and suicidal thoughts.

He may have been suffering from depression long before this and for unrelated reasons, and the breakup pushed things into the foreground. Someone with an already very poor self image would be more likely to take rejection as a scathing indictment of his value as a person, rather than an experience to learn from or possibly just the result of not finding the right match.

He really ought to see a professional about this. I don’t know the best way for you to help here though.
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Yeah. Also, graduate school itself can be very hard on the mental health and self-esteem.

Edited to add: It’s HARD to go from being one of the smartest in your undergraduate program and getting lots of head pats to being average to well below average in your graduate program.
 
Listen, my first husband committed suicide.
I know what I’m talking about.
When people start peppering their conversations with “I’d be better off dead” “I thought about it, and I think I’ll just go away permanently” and things like that,
It’s time to pay attention.
This is beyond what you can do.
He needs professional help.
My late husband didn’t like what the therapists told him either.
That’s part of the mental state they are in. Denial.
 
pianistclare said:
Listen, my first husband committed suicide.
I know what I’m talking about.
When people start peppering their conversations with “I’d be better off dead” “I thought about it, and I think I’ll just go away permanently” and things like that,
It’s time to pay attention.
This is beyond what you can do.
He needs professional help.
My late husband didn’t like what the therapists told him either.
That’s part of the mental state they are in. Denial.
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To add to this:

I think if someone is using suicidal threats, then you need to call the police.

Don’t buy into that self-pitying drama that some people will use over your head.
 
Xantippe said:
Yeah.

That crossed my mind too–he might just possibly be trying to guilt you into a relationship.

And that’s another reason for you not to be his free therapist.
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Per usual, I think the original account posting on here should refer the friend to a therapist and the university disability services.

The idea of a friend or someone on-line being a counselor only goes so far, and probably not too far in these kinds of cases.
 
SuperLuigi said:
Per usual, I think the original account posting on here should refer the friend to a therapist and the university disability services.

The idea of a friend or someone on-line being a counselor only goes so far, and probably not too far in these kinds of cases.
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The worry is that I’ve already suggested it, and the suggestion angers him and he just asks what they’re going to do to get him a girl. I’m afraid if I push on it it’ll just lead to him withdrawing from everyone.
 
DarkLight said:
The worry is that I’ve already suggested it, and the suggestion angers him and he just asks what they’re going to do to get him a girl. I’m afraid if I push on it it’ll just lead to him withdrawing from everyone.
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“I don’t know–you haven’t gone yet. What’s the harm of going and seeing what they can do for you?”

You can also suggest his making an appointment with his pastor (if you’re pretty sure that his pastor is not a weirdo) or seeing student health.

What happens if he gets to the end of the term and has several incompletes and has royally annoyed all of his professors and burnt all of his bridges? Then he’ll be REALLY suicidal if he wasn’t already.

I’m not sure what you’re waiting for beyond “I wish a car would hit me.”

Come to think of it–does he have a reasonable relationship with his family? Now might be the time to send up rescue flares. If you know anybody in his family and you know they’re not totally evil, now’s a good time to get in touch and say something vague (but urgent) like: “I think Steve isn’t doing well. I think somebody should visit.”
 
Xantippe said:
“I don’t know–you haven’t gone yet. What’s the harm of going and seeing what they can do for you?”

You can also suggest his making an appointment with his pastor (if you’re pretty sure that his pastor is not a weirdo) or seeing student health.

What happens if he gets to the end of the term and has several incompletes and has royally annoyed all of his professors and burnt all of his bridges? Then he’ll be REALLY suicidal if he wasn’t already.

I’m not sure what you’re waiting for beyond “I wish a car would hit me.”

Come to think of it–does he have a reasonable relationship with his family? Now might be the time to send up rescue flares. If you know anybody in his family and you know they’re not totally evil, now’s a good time to get in touch and say something vague (but urgent) like: “I think Steve isn’t doing well. I think somebody should visit.”
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Yes.
Absolutely.
You can’t sit on your hands.
You’ve immersed yourself so far in, and he’s very dependent on you.
It’s not a betrayal. It’s a lifeline.
Act.
 
pianistclare said:
Yes.
Absolutely.
You can’t sit on your hands.
You’ve immersed yourself so far in, and he’s very dependent on you.
It’s not a betrayal. It’s a lifeline.
Act.
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DL, you’ve done literally everything you can do for this guy, and what you can do is not good enough.
 
Tell him to be a man. You know, those “creatures” society has placed on the endangered list under the guise of equal rights, femanism, and any other malarkey.

Tell him NOTHING is stopping him from getting in his car on his day off and flirting with the ladies. It could be anywhere. So many girls are literally waiting for a handsome made to walk up to them, tell them how great they look, and at least ATTEMPT to sweep them off their feet.

God gave him a Johnson for a reason. As a man its traditionally HIS job to court the girls and chase after them. If he is wallowing in self pity it is nobody’s fault but his own. He can either lay in bed and die a lonely death breaking the commandment of coveting what others have…OR he can go do what GOD designed him to do.
 
Bill_Martin said:
I am no mental health pro, but I’m pretty sure there’s much more going on here than simply not finding a relationship or having one end. That in and of itself, while frustrating and crushingly disappointing for any guy, should not immediately cause despair and suicidal thoughts.
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Actually there is evidence that suggests that romantic rejection can be enough to cause someone to fall into clinical rejection: sciencedaily.com/releases/2005/06/050607031344.htm
"But rejected men and women in societies around the world sometimes kill themselves or someone else. In fact, studies indicate that some 40% of people who are rejected in love slip into clinical depression.
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This is just rejection, not a break up.

I agree though. Instead of use trying to analyze him through someone else’s forum post on the internet he should get professional help.
 
XenaFan said:
Actually there is evidence that suggests that romantic rejection can be enough to cause someone to fall into clinical rejection: sciencedaily.com/releases/2005/06/050607031344.htm

This is just rejection, not a break up.

I agree though. Instead of use trying to analyze him through someone else’s forum post on the internet he should get professional help.
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Ya and we can slap a fancy label on it all we want or try to rationalize their actions over nothing…but at the end of the day it’s called not being a 13 yr old school girl. Leave it to the self proclaimed white collar intelectual left wingers to label cowardice as a legitimate illness.

I’ve been rejected so much. All the freaking time I would get rejected by girls. Boo hoo, it’s akward and sad believe me I know. We can cope by drinking Coors Light and looking at the stars with tears in our eyes…OR

Be a man
 
Polluted said:
Ya and we can slap a fancy label on it all we want or try to rationalize their actions over nothing…but at the end of the day it’s called not being a 13 yr old school girl. Leave it to the self proclaimed white collar intelectual left wingers to label cowardice as a legitimate illness.

I’ve been rejected so much. All the freaking time I would get rejected by girls. Boo hoo, it’s akward and sad believe me I know. We can cope by drinking Coors Light and looking at the stars with tears in our eyes…OR

Be a man
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Please educate yourself on depression. It is a very real disease. In some case the chemistry of the brain has physically changed to where feel good hormones have nothing on the neuron to bind to or worse bind to a Mal-formed receptor and create a negative response. Nearly all depressed people need medical treatment to get any better.
 
your friend did find a “date”

it didn’t work out

that can happen

maybe try a catholic singles website?
 
brian_custer said:
your friend did find a “date”

it didn’t work out

that can happen

maybe try a catholic singles website?
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OP has a lot more posts in this thread that give much needed context. He has been trying online dating for some time now.
 
DarkLight said:
I have a friend who seems to have fallen into a deep depression over not being able to find a date. He was going out with a woman he was convinced was perfect, and she broke up with him (it sounds like largely because he was moving too quickly). Now he’s depressed because he feels like he can’t meet women - his job is in a small town and he’s having trouble getting out of it - and that the few he does meet don’t work out. He says all he wants in life anymore is to get married and have children.

I’m not sure what to tell him. He’s a very good friend and I want to help, but I just have never experienced this kind of thing.
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Is your friend Catholic? I was stuck in a town that was not only small but isolated up in the mountains. What I did was call my diocese and ask what was available for singles in my area. I was expecting maybe a Singles Club at a particular parish, but it turned out there was a Singles Club for my entire diocese. Going to their events meant a lot of driving on my part, but it was worth it because that’s how I met my husband!
 
catholicnewsagency.com/cw/post.php?id=639

This is another article that I found helpful as a single person, the first part especially.

Also it may help your friend to know that he is far from alone in his feelings. Single Catholics now make up 48% of the Church (Pew Center Research May 2015). A lot of people struggle with living a life that God did not design them for. I pray for single Catholics all the time.
 
opera said:
catholicnewsagency.com/cw/post.php?id=639

This is another article that I found helpful as a single person, the first part especially.

Also it may help your friend to know that he is far from alone in his feelings. Single Catholics now make up 48% of the Church. A lot of people struggle with living a life that God did not design them for. I pray for single Catholics all the time.
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Yikes! I didn’t know it was that bad! We really do have a singles crisis on our hands!
 
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