Wife would rather go to church on Saturday as it ruins her Sunday?

[barhoram]

Come to think of it, going by herself with only a child or two is probably much less stressful for her.

Maybe you need to focus on primarily on reducing the stress level surrounding Mass.

That may be a lot of the attraction of the more laid-back parish–it’s a less stressful environment.

agreed. no matter what time we try to go with 5 kids, its stressful on her. It’s less stressful on me too as I don’t need to worry about being late. However, that leaves us going separately…

 

[Xantippe]

If it were me and I knew I was dealing with a bigger problem I would go to the closer one for now.

Summer is just a few months away - maybe the drive won’t be an issue then.

Right.

And that’s a reasonable deal to make with her.

 

[Lou2U]

her logic on Sunday mass options:

8AM. Way too early.
9:30. Have to leave at 9:05 to make it. Too Early…sometimes we try. Always late a crowded mass = no seats. Sitting in kids area or standing in back.
11:00: Doesn’t end until 12:15ish…aren’t home until close to 1. Day shot.
12:30 Same as above.
6PM: We have school on Monday!

If Sunday isn’t working, go on Saturday. I know you don’t want to, but I think you should listen to your wife on this. Show a bit of willing, and you’ll get a bit of willing back. It doesn’t have to be permanent, but as lax16 says, deal with the bigger problem. Mass is only a symptom.

Lou

 

[AnnArbor]

Is the closer parish your actual home parish?

 

[CradleJourney]

I’m a mom of six, married 20 years.

My best advice - it’s not mass. It’s the whole schedule issue. She’s probably burned out or in the process of burn out. It happens. Raising a large family is tough beyond belief, and the stress on the mom - no matter how much help from dad - is huge. And I suspect you’re probably pretty stressed too.

So forget figuring out mass as an isolated thing. To you it is, but to her, it’s probably not, even if she’s unaware of it. The being late is a symptom.

I’d suggest you both look at making your lives less stressed and approach the entire weekly schedule that way. Understand that what stresses you (the style of attire at a parish, being late) may not be a stressor for her - and hopefully she can see the same thing when it comes to you.

Does everyone have enough time in your family life to relax, play, be alone, and have family time - both as an entire group, and one-on-one time with each other? And remember what counts as “enough” is based on each person’s age and personality - not what just works for one person.

I suspect, based on my experience, that not one of you is getting all you need in all those areas - and so this mass issue may be coming into play with it being a relief for you to have everyone together and attending Sunday mass at that location, while it is a relief for your wife to have a much smaller number of the kids with her at on Saturday at the closer location.

And if that’s the case, neither of you will be happy about any mass arrangements until peace in the rest of the weekly schedule is found.

Again, just extrapolating from personal experience, and what I’ve read throughout the thread. I hope you are both able to work out something that brings you both peace.

Thoughts and prayers,
CJ

 

[barhoram]

Is the closer parish your actual home parish?

What defines actual home parish?

It’s literally 2 miles from our house…but the city we live in has 2 Catholic parishes. The second one is even more progressive than the first.

The one we are registered at and send kids to school at is 2 cities away (18 miles by the map) …but a majority of the people are from different parishes (as noted, its about the only conservative church left).

 

[lax16]

her logic on Sunday mass options:

8AM. Way too early.
9:30. Have to leave at 9:05 to make it. Too Early…sometimes we try. Always late a crowded mass = no seats. Sitting in kids area or standing in back.
11:00: Doesn’t end until 12:15ish…aren’t home until close to 1. Day shot.
12:30 Same as above.
6PM: We have school on Monday!

I can understand- a day off seems in order.

 

[AnnArbor]

What defines actual home parish?

It’s literally 2 miles from our house…but the city we live in has 2 Catholic parishes. The second one is even more progressive than the first.

The one we are registered at and send kids to school at is 2 cities away (18 miles by the map) …but a majority of the people are from different parishes (as noted, its about the only conservative church left).

Parishes are territorial – my guess is that the one two miles away is your actual parish. Regardless of registration, canonically, the pastor of your home parish would need to give permission for sacraments, weddings, funerals, etc. to occur in the other parish.

Is your wife as committed to the school at the other parish as you are? And is she the one who drives them to school?

I can imagine that, after a week of commuting with small children in tow, she might want to skip it on Sunday. Just a thought.

 

[twf]

except B isn’t the our registered parish, or the parish our kids go to school at…just closer. and maybe that is OK…just trying to figure it out.

While North American parishes push registration for practical reasons, it doesn’t mean anything canonically. You ARE members of your geographical parish. No way out of it. You are NOT members of the parish you registered at…not in any canonical sense. Of course you’re more than free to worship at any parish…but this is an important point as it comes up for issues requiring jurisdiction (marriage for example…to marry outside of your geographical parish is illicit without your geographical pastor’s permission - registration means absolutely zilch in anything to do with canonical jurisdiction).

 

[barhoram]

I’m a mom of six, married 20 years.

My best advice - it’s not mass. It’s the whole schedule issue. She’s probably burned out or in the process of burn out. It happens. Raising a large family is tough beyond belief, and the stress on the mom - no matter how much help from dad - is huge. And I suspect you’re probably pretty stressed too.

So forget figuring out mass as an isolated thing. To you it is, but to her, it’s probably not, even if she’s unaware of it. The being late is a symptom.

I’d suggest you both look at making your lives less stressed and approach the entire weekly schedule that way. Understand that what stresses you (the style of attire at a parish, being late) may not be a stressor for her - and hopefully she can see the same thing when it comes to you.

Does everyone have enough time in your family life to relax, play, be alone, and have family time - both as an entire group, and one-on-one time with each other? And remember what counts as “enough” is based on each person’s age and personality - not what just works for one person.

I suspect, based on my experience, that not one of you is getting all you need in all those areas - and so this mass issue may be coming into play with it being a relief for you to have everyone together and attending Sunday mass at that location, while it is a relief for your wife to have a much smaller number of the kids with her at on Saturday at the closer location.

And if that’s the case, neither of you will be happy about any mass arrangements until peace in the rest of the weekly schedule is found.

Again, just extrapolating from personal experience, and what I’ve read throughout the thread. I hope you are both able to work out something that brings you both peace.

Thoughts and prayers,
CJ

You hit the nail on the head. 5 kids with 4 in school 1/2 and hour a way is probably the biggest issue. We are all stressed all the time. My wife refuses to send them to the local public school (daughter went there for 2 years and she hated it). We talked about changing to a closer catholic school, but that would save 10 minutes, and we don’t know anybody (more stress for my wife). She decided not to. Not sure weekly schedule peace is anywhere in the near future. And I’m OK with that as I think the hassle is worth it for the kids and I try and offer all the driving up. Moving closer would either result in doubling our mortgage, moving into a 3 bedroom ranch, or my wife working full time. None are ideal.

 

[Irishmom2]

Ok, having read all the responses…

I still say for all of you to go on Saturday, take two cars if you want to be on time. It doesn’t bother your wife to be late, so let her be late. She has Sunday as a day where she doesn’t have to drive anywhere with a time schedule.

YOU go to mass on Sunday by yourself if you feel Sunday is a better fit for you.

You really do have a way of making a mountain out of a molehill. You are sort of treating your wife like a child and not a spouse, and she is therefore reacting like a rebellious teenager. If you do not work on the family dynamic now, in a few years, you will actually have children acting the same way as your wife is now. If you think bossing them around is going to make for a happy life, guess again.

 

[barhoram]

Is your wife as committed to the school at the other parish as you are? And is she the one who drives them to school?

I can imagine that, after a week of commuting with small children in tow, she might want to skip it on Sunday. Just a thought.

We split the driving 50/50 or as close as we can. She loves that parish and school and would want to move there…but not the effort involved with what it would take to move there.

 

[barhoram]

Ok, having read all the responses…

You really do have a way of making a mountain out of a molehill. You are sort of treating your wife like a child and not a spouse, and she is therefore reacting like a rebellious teenager. If you do not work on the family dynamic now, in a few years, you will actually have children acting the same way as your wife is now. If you think bossing them around is going to make for a happy life, guess again.

I’m open to your (name removed by moderator)ut…it’s Sunday morning and I’ve already fed the kids breakfast and helped them to start to get ready for church. I have to then get myself ready, and finish up with the kids and pack the diaper bag and a snack for my youngest son…and grab money for the collection. Wife is still in bed on facebook…and we need to be out the door in 20 mintues…to make it on time…what would you do?

 

[Lou2U]

I’m open to your (name removed by moderator)ut…it’s Sunday morning and I’ve already fed the kids breakfast and helped them to start to get ready for church. I have to then get myself ready, and finish up with the kids and pack the diaper bag and a snack for my youngest son…and grab money for the collection. Wife is still in bed on facebook…and we need to be out the door in 20 mintues…to make it on time…what would you do?

Does your wife actually understand how much you do, and how much time it takes?

Some reasons for this could be:

1. She doesn’t understand time management and needs to work on it ASAP
2. She is used to you doing everything and so doesn’t bother because she knows you’ll pick up the slack
3. She is burnt out and trying to recover by procrastinating, as well as looking at something that makes her happy

In all these cases, you need to go with your wife to get counselling because she needs help with dealing with being burnt out, dealing with time management, and dealing with how to cope when all she wants to do is bury her head in the sand and ignore it. It sounds like you both could benefit from learning to communicate better.

Lou

 

[Irishmom2]

I told you what I would do. If you need to get them ready all by yourself, do it. Moms have been doing this for centuries… Sometimes, while their husband stayed home…
And then, GO ON SATURDAY, not Sunday with the kids, and let your wife get there when she does. You cannot force your wife like you can your children.

I am sorry if this sounds cruel, it’s not meant to be. It is reality. At least for now. Consider it a phase. Your kids will get older and it will get easier. Trust us.

 

[Irishmom2]

Does your wife actually understand how much you do, and how much time it takes?

Some reasons for this could be:

1. She doesn’t understand time management and needs to work on it ASAP
2. She is used to you doing everything and so doesn’t bother because she knows you’ll pick up the slack
3. She is burnt out and trying to recover by procrastinating, as well as looking at something that makes her happy

In all these cases, you need to go with your wife to get counselling because she needs help with dealing with being burnt out, dealing with time management, and dealing with how to cope when all she wants to do is bury her head in the sand and ignore it. It sounds like you both could benefit from learning to communicate better.

Lou

You missed one, Lou.
4. She actually does most of the “doing” all week and thinks it’s her husband’s turn.

 

[Lou2U]

I told you what I would do. If you need to get them ready all by yourself, do it. Moms have been doing this for centuries… Sometimes, while their husband stayed home…
And then, GO ON SATURDAY, not Sunday with the kids, and let your wife get there when she does. You cannot force your wife like you can your children.

I am sorry if this sounds cruel, it’s not meant to be. It is reality. At least for now. Consider it a phase. Your kids will get older and it will get easier. Trust us.

When your kids get older, they’ll be able to get themselves ready.

Focus on the problem, not the symptoms.

Lou

 

[Xantippe]

I told you what I would do. If you need to get them ready all by yourself, do it. Moms have been doing this for centuries… Sometimes, while their husband stayed home…
And then, GO ON SATURDAY, not Sunday with the kids, and let your wife get there when she does. You cannot force your wife like you can your children.

I am sorry if this sounds cruel, it’s not meant to be. It is reality. At least for now. Consider it a phase. Your kids will get older and it will get easier. Trust us.

True.

 

[Xantippe]

You missed one, Lou.
4. She actually does most of the “doing” all week and thinks it’s her husband’s turn.

That’s a possibility.

 

[barhoram]

Does your wife actually understand how much you do, and how much time it takes?

Some reasons for this could be:

1. She doesn’t understand time management and needs to work on it ASAP
2. She is used to you doing everything and so doesn’t bother because she knows you’ll pick up the slack
3. She is burnt out and trying to recover by procrastinating, as well as looking at something that makes her happy

In all these cases, you need to go with your wife to get counselling because she needs help with dealing with being burnt out, dealing with time management, and dealing with how to cope when all she wants to do is bury her head in the sand and ignore it. It sounds like you both could benefit from learning to communicate better.

Lou

1. Correct. Probably has undiagnosed ADHD (daughter has it)
2. Correctamundo.
3. Yes.

We did go to counselling for a year with a priest. He saw pretty much the same thing. At the time he strongly recommended we go to church as a family (we were not becuae we had a newborn). She got upset with him and we stopped going.