Wife would rather go to church on Saturday as it ruins her Sunday?

[Irishmom2]

1. Correct. Probably has undiagnosed ADHD (daughter has it)
2. Correctamundo.
3. Yes.

We did go to counselling for a year with a priest. He saw pretty much the same thing. At the time he strongly recommended we go to church as a family (we were not becuae we had a newborn). She got upset with him and we stopped going.

It sounds like your wife often feels overwhelmed. Whether you are or aren’t doing most of the heavy lifting, maybe she just can’t cope with it. Maybe 5 kids stress her out. Again, you have to look at it as a phase. It won’t last forever. Children grow and this problem will be replaced with another. That’s how it goes.

 

[Lou2U]

You missed one, Lou.
4. She actually does most of the “doing” all week and thinks it’s her husband’s turn.

That’s also true. Some people snap quicker than others when it comes to feeling ignored. The OP’s wife appears to be building slowly up to it.

I was thinking about my no.3. A few months ago, I was suffering from high anxiety and stress. I spent more time on the internet and listening to music than actually doing what needed to be done. In my mind, I equated work with all the things I couldn’t do and wasn’t good at and if I tried, I’d only get more anxious and stressed, so I shouldn’t bother. I’m feeling better now because I’ve learnt to recognise what makes me anxious and stressed, and how I can deal with it. It may be that the OP’s wife needs to learn some coping mechanisms that proactively deal with the situation.

OP - it would be worth your wife going to a doctor to see if she does have ADHD. That’ll really help her. Could you make a rota for chores that gets the family involved, not just you and what you wish your wife would do? I would also suggest counselling from a professional, so your wife doesn’t have to worry about seeing her when she should be focused on Mass.

Lou

 

[barhoram]

You missed one, Lou.
4. She actually does most of the “doing” all week and thinks it’s her husband’s turn.

No offense, but that’s the attitude that men get these days and it’s just wrong. You assume this because what, I am male?

During the week I work full time, do 1/2 of the driving for the kids, all of the cooking, most of the kitchen clean up, all of grocery shopping, all of the bills, garbage, help with homework, help with bathes, 90% of the laundry, half of the cleaning, all of the home fix-ups… so when exactly does “my turn” start?

 

[CatholicRaven]

I’m more confused than ever now.

She is going to be late pretty much whatever church we go to on whatever day. It’s acceptable to her, and I can not change that. Yes–it appears some of that reason is resentment. The other reason is that it’s not that important to her. I will work on the resentment.

My heart tells me that attending the church that we belong to, that our kids to to school at, were baptized at and we were married at as a family is the right thing to do.

It doesn’t matter what time I tell the family we are going to church on Sunday, or how many of the kids I get ready, she is going on Saturday. She has decided she would rather go on Saturday to a closer parish because it is easy and doen’t ruin her Sunday. . I guess I will go against my heart and start going with her to the local church…but it doesn’t feel right to me. Not sure what else is even an option at this point.

I apologize. I didn’t read all of the thread before posting (I thought I had), and I missed some important details because of that. I thought the problem was that you didn’t mind which Mass or parish you attended, but wanted to be ON TIME, regardless. Now I see that’s not the issue at all. Sorry, that was my oversight.

I feel for you. Our “home” parish (both our “registered” parish and the closest in our diocese) is 25 minutes away. There is one that’s 10 minutes closer in the diocese across the state border from us, but it doesn’t have the CCD program and parish events and groups that the kids and I love, so I make the longer drive. I have been taking our kids to Mass by myself for years, because my husband refuses to go at all. It’s not easy, especially now that I’m pregnant with #8.

I agree, it looks like your options are either going where she wants to go, so you can all go together as a family, or taking the kids by yourself on Sunday to the parish you prefer. If you feel led to go to the more conservative parish, then go there with some or all of the kids. If you feel it’s more important to go as a family with your wife, then go with her to the closer church.

As others have mentioned, it may be more about taking everyone at once that’s stressing her out, than the time of Mass or the drive. It’s hard to deal with a lot of kids in the car and then keeping them in line during Mass, especially little ones, and trying to stay focused and not be distracted by them. It might simply be better for now to go to two different Masses. The kids will get older and will need less attention at Mass eventually, and then perhaps she’d be more willing to travel further and/or go to Mass with the whole family.

Remember, whatever you decide to try doesn’t have to be a “forever” thing. More like a, “as long as it’s working for our family” thing.

Will pray for you.

 

[Irishmom2]

No offense, but that’s the attitude that men get these days and it’s just wrong. You assume this because what, I am male?

During the week I work full time, do 1/2 of the driving for the kids, all of the cooking, most of the kitchen clean up, all of grocery shopping, all of the bills, garbage, help with homework, help with bathes, 90% of the laundry, half of the cleaning, all of the home fix-ups… so when exactly does “my turn” start?

I did not assume anything. I said that maybe your wife thinks she does everything.
Actually, I kind of figured you did a lot, and now you confirmed that. But it also sounds like what we have been saying all along. It’s not really about mass. Mass is a symptom of something else. You sound a little resentful and maybe rightly so. So again, maybe some counseling would help.

 

[lax16]

I’m open to your (name removed by moderator)ut…it’s Sunday morning and I’ve already fed the kids breakfast and helped them to start to get ready for church. I have to then get myself ready, and finish up with the kids and pack the diaper bag and a snack for my youngest son…and grab money for the collection. Wife is still in bed on facebook…and we need to be out the door in 20 mintues…to make it on time…what would you do?

Is it possible she does this all week so she lets you do it on Sunday?

If so, then the Saturday vigil mass just might be the answer.

Saturday before mass kids don’t need to eat a meal. After mass, get something to eat at a restaurant or pick up something easy and eat at the park or get a couple of $5 pizzas and bring them home to eat. (If you have a babysitter, go out to dinner or dessert/coffee/whatever with your wife after you get home).

On Sunday, it’s not structured and both of you can figure out meals. Crock pot works well.
Sunday becomes a free, unstructured day. Yay!!

 

[pensmama87]

One practical tip that has helped us get out the door faster, if the OP has not tried it yet - I lay out the next day’s clothes the night before and pack the diaper bag if we need it. At this point, for church all I need is two diapers and a pack of wipes I keep in my purse “just in case.” (My kids are almost 5, 2.5, and 5 months old). The two older kids are each responsible for carrying their own book to look at during the homily.

Depending on what you do for a snack for the littlest, it could even be packed as well. I am usually not a fan of pre-packaged snacks but things like granola bars or cracker packs would come in real handy.

I usually require they get dressed before they have breakfast because otherwise they will drag their feet about clothes. But being hungry is a good motivator.

These help with the stress of getting out the door in a reasonable amount of time.

 

[MT1926]

No offense, but that’s the attitude that men get these days and it’s just wrong. You assume this because what, I am male?

During the week I work full time, do 1/2 of the driving for the kids, all of the cooking, most of the kitchen clean up, all of grocery shopping, all of the bills, garbage, help with homework, help with bathes, 90% of the laundry, half of the cleaning, all of the home fix-ups… so when exactly does “my turn” start?

I you took it up to a 60 hour work week, added all the farm work, and removed the laundry, you just described the first 20 years of my marriage. Let me just say I will pray for your strength. Cause I have been there and you will need it. Going on year 24 and it still isn’t my turn, cause now we are into sports and colleges. Keep strong and keep focused on the husband God wants you to be.

With that being said from some of your other posts it does sound like your wife might need some professional help and some medication. She might be suffering from some postpartum depression.

If it turns out she isn’t and doesn’t need medication than from personal experience you are enabling her. Now the enabling is your choice you can chose to keep doing it or just stop and let her choose to do more. I for one chose to put myself last. Am I happy about it? Not all the time, but it is what I chose. I have had many weeks just like yours, doesn’t matter if you do 1000 things for everyone else, the one thing you ask for still won’t happen. It is hard I know, I have been there. It is times like these that you need to focus on what is most important to you, what you want or what your family needs. Our spouses aren’t built like us and therefor we shouldn’t expect them to act like us. Like they say opposites attract. So basically you, as I have always done, are enabling your wife if she is depressed this might be necessary. If she is not then you need to chose whether or not you want to continue enabling her.

God Bless

 

[Xantippe]

I you took it up to a 60 hour work week, added all the farm work, and removed the laundry, you just described the first 20 years of my marriage. Let me just say I will pray for your strength. Cause I have been there and you will need it. Going on year 24 and it still isn’t my turn, cause now we are into sports and colleges. Keep strong and keep focused on the husband God wants you to be.

With that being said from some of your other posts it does sound like your wife might need some professional help and some medication. She might be suffering from some postpartum depression.

If it turns out she isn’t and doesn’t need medication than from personal experience you are enabling her.

God Bless

Yes.

On the other hand, going to the Mass she prefers would not be enabling.

It’s an authorized Mass and it does the job just as the much as the one that is hard to get to.

 

[Xantippe]

OP,

Your wife may need a part time job to add a little more structure to her life.

Also, once she is working a little, you may discover that she was doing more than you thought, once she stops doing it.

With regard to the house stuff, I would encourage you to do what I encourage wives to do in the same position and offer her her choice of chores and ask her what she would like to take on.

Of course, I note that you didn’t mention much in the way of kid supervision tasks, so it may be that with five children, just the supervision and homework management is fairly challenging for your wife. That would not surprise me.

Another thought–your school-age kids should be helping more. I would encourage you to take advantage of the next long break (maybe spring break, maybe summer vacation) to offload a substantial portion of housework onto your older kids. The age your older kids are, they should be taking on more and more. You don’t want to turn them loose at 18 totally innocent of the mysteries of the dishwasher and washing machine.

Also, I strongly suspect that your wife will do better working side by side with some of your older children. Doing housework alone can be pretty dismal.

 

[MT1926]

Yes.

On the other hand, going to the Mass she prefers would not be enabling.

It’s an authorized Mass and it does the job just as the much as the one that is hard to get to.

Agreed, I was referring to all of the other things he was doing. Sorry I didn’t make that clearer. In an earlier post I said he should go to mass with her as a family on Saturday and since he doesn’t like that mass he should go again in the morning to the regular church by himself to set an example for his children.

 

[Xantippe]

Agreed, I was referring to all of the other things he was doing. Sorry I didn’t make that clearer. In an earlier post I said he should go to mass with her as a family on Saturday and since he doesn’t like that mass he should go again in the morning to the regular church by himself to set an example for his children.

I was pretty sure that’s what you meant, but I was concerned the OP would think of going to the convenient Mass as enabling.

 

[MT1926]

I was pretty sure that’s what you meant, but I was concerned the OP would think of going to the convenient Mass as enabling.

Great minds think alike

 

[heart4home]

Hi. Thanks for all of the responses.

I’d say it’s a mix of going to mass separately for a long time due to having 5 kids in 12 years…we’ve always had at least 2 or 3 in diapers…and a bit of my wife falling away…or just never being as strict about making it a priority to get to mass on time, every week. She’s always been of the belief that it’s more important to be a “good person” all week than make it to mass and be on time each week. She’s told me this. I don’t agree…but there’s not much I can do about that other than holding on to my belief. I thought leading was sticking to my belief and making sure I and as many of our kids get to mass on time to the church we belong to. She has chosen to do her own thing.

I also think there is a bit of resentment in her. I come from a family of 5 kids as well, and all 5 are married and go to church every week with their family. She come from a family of 3 and both her brother and sister are divorced and don’t even go to mass ever. Her parents are catholic, and they even went to catholic school…but both her brother and sister or non-practicing. It’s very hard to say this, but I really think she resents me and my family because we still all are actively practicing, and her siblings are not…

I’ve thought about offering to go to Saturday evening mass with her, but It would just be the same thing as Sunday mornings, a day early. She literally starts to get ready for church about 15 minutes before mass starts, and yells to the kids whoever is going with her needs to get ready…she is leaving. I would have to tell her that it takes her at least a half hour to get ready and we should leave so we get there at least 5 minutes early…and then go and get all 5 kids and myself ready.

In my opinion from what you’ve said this isn’t just a Mass issue, it’s a marriage issue. Your wife is showing no respect for you here.

It’s time for a heart to heart. “Look dear, if you don’t want Sunday’s “ruined” then I’m willing to compromise and attend Saturday evening. However in return I’d like to arrive at Mass on time and stay for the entire thing. This is an important example and message to give our children.”

If you cannot come to an agreement on such a simple, but fundamental part of a Catholic family life, in raising your children responsibly in the faith, and showing up on time unless there are unforeseen or unavoidable circumstance, then I think there’s a lot more to this story, that you are either ignoring, or not sharing.

This is really about respect and compromise, a necessity in any healthy marriage, and something seems to be lacking.

 

[Xantippe]

In my opinion from what you’ve said this isn’t just a Mass issue, it’s a marriage issue. Your wife is showing no respect for you here.

It’s time for a heart to heart. “Look dear, if you don’t want Sunday’s “ruined” then I’m willing to compromise and attend Saturday evening. However in return I’d like to arrive at Mass on time and stay for the entire thing. This is an important example and message to give our children.”

If you cannot come to an agreement on such a simple, but fundamental part of a Catholic family life, in raising your children responsibly in the faith, and showing up on time unless there are unforeseen or unavoidable circumstance, then I think there’s a lot more to this story, that you are either ignoring, or not sharing.

This is really about respect and compromise, a necessity in any healthy marriage, and something seems to be lacking.

What if she agrees to punctuality, but doesn’t follow through? What then?

I do like framing it as a compromise though–he yields on time and location, but she acknowledges the need to make an effort. (But she may need a lot of support in making that happen.)

As the time keeper for my family, I have to warn the OP that the time stuff is going to have to be primarily his responsibility. There are people who just don’t get time, and it sounds like his wife is one of them.

Try hard not to think of it as a respect issue but as a brains-are-different issue.

 

[heart4home]

What if she agrees to punctuality, but doesn’t follow through? What then?

I do like framing it as a compromise though–he yields on time and location, but she acknowledges the need to make an effort. (But she may need a lot of support in making that happen.)

As the time keeper for my family, I have to warn the OP that the time stuff is going to have to be primarily his responsibility. There are people who just don’t get time, and it sounds like his wife is one of them.

Try hard not to think of it as a respect issue but as a brains-are-different issue.

If that’s all it is, maybe, but there are ways to work on punctuality. People who are chronically late, often think they are not inconveniencing anybody but themselves, but that is seldom the case and it can become a matter of sin if we aren’t willing to work on such an issue, especially when she is thereby making her children late to Mass.

If it’s simply a matter of a person who has problem with keeping time, then I’d suspect that the person would be open to receiving gentle reminders, just as one might have to with a child. Not in a degrading way, but finding a way to make punctuality more important.

If one is late every single day for work, there are often consequences. If a student is late every day to school, it can actually become a matter of truancy, so these issues need to be worked on.

 

[Burt_Macklin]

her logic on Sunday mass options:

8AM. Way too early.
9:30. Have to leave at 9:05 to make it. Too Early…sometimes we try. Always late a crowded mass = no seats. Sitting in kids area or standing in back.
11:00: Doesn’t end until 12:15ish…aren’t home until close to 1. Day shot.
12:30 Same as above.
6PM: We have school on Monday!

I agree with your wife. It’s torture trying to get a baby to sit through a long mass plus with all of eyes on you it feels really uncomfortable.

The way things go for us is that you have to leave at 8:15 to get a seat at 9 AM mass. 11 AM mass is packed to the gills, stuffy, and always runs over. To save time we always go to 7 AM mass since we can sleep in our church clothes and roll out of at 645 and still get a seat. The babies sleep through the whole thing and the AC is at its coldest. If we don’t make it we wait until 6 pm.

 

[barhoram]

OP Here.

Thanks for all of the replies.

After thinking about this for quite some time, the bottom line is that she doesn’t think being habitually late is a big deal and kind of enjoys the smaller commitment on the weekend…she’s gone and back in less than an hour.

I was raised to think differently, but am not in the position to change her mind on it. It’s pretty cut and dry to me (mass is a top priority of the week). All of the time management strategies, etc do not matter–if it’s not her goal. I guess that’s between her and God and not my position to question that…have tried and tried until the current level of resentment.

We have talked rationally about it, and in her mind, God doesn’t care if you show up late as long as you are a good person–maybe SHE is right?

Yep–there is certainly resentment on her part and that is part of it… The other part is that she doesn’t think its an issue. I’ll work on what I can on the resentment part. Nothing I can do about the other I’m thinking.

 

[barhoram]

I agree with your wife. It’s torture trying to get a baby to sit through a long mass plus with all of eyes on you it feels really uncomfortable.

The way things go for us is that you have to leave at 8:15 to get a seat at 9 AM mass. 11 AM mass is packed to the gills, stuffy, and always runs over. To save time we always go to 7 AM mass since we can sleep in our church clothes and roll out of at 645 and still get a seat. The babies sleep through the whole thing and the AC is at its coldest. If we don’t make it we wait until 6 pm.

Not sure I follow how you are agreeing with my wife? I am going to the 8AM early mass with kids for the exact same reasons you mention above. Navy Seals couldn’t get her to the 8AM mass…

 

[Xantippe]

OP Here.

Thanks for all of the replies.

After thinking about this for quite some time, the bottom line is that she doesn’t think being habitually late is a big deal and kind of enjoys the smaller commitment on the weekend…she’s gone and back in less than an hour.

I was raised to think differently, but am not in the position to change her mind on it. It’s pretty cut and dry to me (mass is a top priority of the week). All of the time management strategies, etc do not matter–if it’s not her goal. I guess that’s between her and God and not my position to question that…have tried and tried until the current level of resentment.

We have talked rationally about it, and in her mind, God doesn’t care if you show up late as long as you are a good person–maybe SHE is right?

Yep–there is certainly resentment on her part and that is part of it… The other part is that she doesn’t think its an issue. I’ll work on what I can on the resentment part. Nothing I can do about the other I’m thinking.

Here’s a fair question for your wife–maybe God doesn’t mind, but does she think that the other six members of her family like waiting for her in the car and not having a place to sit?

But on the other hand, I think you need to wean yourself of the idea that super-awesome-conservative-parish is the only real Catholic church and that going to your geographical parish is somehow cheating.

It might even be worthwhile for your family to suck it up and move into a 3BR house. Long-term, your gas savings would be huge.