C
CilladeRoma
Guest
No kidding. 
That is exactly what I said in the post you quoted.
That is exactly what I said in the post you quoted.
- Status
P
phil19034
Guest
I don’t agree with that as a blanket statement, actually.
[/quote]
There might be an exception or two, but generally, I stand by it.
If you have total proof that a friend is cheating, I would rather give the cheater ample time to clean up their act and make things right with the spouse.
I would only tell the spouse if it was a potentially physically dangerous situation. However, I might threaten to tell the spouse, but I still wouldn’t do it.
I would NOT want to be the reason why a couple divorced - esp if they have kids. And if that lost me my friend or sibling, I would be willing to live with the consequences.
[/quote]
There might be an exception or two, but generally, I stand by it.
If you have total proof that a friend is cheating, I would rather give the cheater ample time to clean up their act and make things right with the spouse.
I would only tell the spouse if it was a potentially physically dangerous situation. However, I might threaten to tell the spouse, but I still wouldn’t do it.
I would NOT want to be the reason why a couple divorced - esp if they have kids. And if that lost me my friend or sibling, I would be willing to live with the consequences.
P
phil19034
Guest
I can respect that.
But for me personally, I don’t think I would be able to ignore my gut if one (or both) of the spouses was a loved one. I would have to gently approach the potential cheater and figure out what was going on. But I sure as hell would not discuss it with the spouse.
P
phil19034
Guest
I don’t think it would be my place to tell the spouse (even if the spouse was my sibling or child). I think it’s better for the cheater to tell the spouse, the spouse to never find out (if it was a moment of weakness) or the spouse to find out on his/her own.
I know many people would disagree with me and I’m sure my one or two of my siblings would hate me for not saying anything, but I just don’t think it’s my place to say something that would most likely lead to a divorce. If the cheater tells his/her spouse (and shows remorse) there is more of a chance they might be able to work it out. But if I tell the spouse, the chances of them working it out become less.
I know many people would disagree with me and I’m sure my one or two of my siblings would hate me for not saying anything, but I just don’t think it’s my place to say something that would most likely lead to a divorce. If the cheater tells his/her spouse (and shows remorse) there is more of a chance they might be able to work it out. But if I tell the spouse, the chances of them working it out become less.
I’m not a member of marriage police. My goal isn’t to administer justice. My goal would be to help the couple help themselves. But as they say, you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink. If the cheater doesn’t want to fix the marriage after learning that someone knows, then that’s on him/her. It’s almost impossible to a spouse to keep cheating without eventually getting caught in this day and age.
Sure, I would ultimately decide on a case by case basis. I did acknowledge that there are exceptions. However, in general, I wouldn’t want a marriage destroyed before the cheater had the opportunity to make things right again.
P
phil19034
Guest
No, I wouldn’t lie. I would give an ultimatum, most likely a vague or subjective one. But I would NOT draw a line in the sand like “tell him by Sunday or I will.” I would most likely say something like “I’m not going to tell your spouse, but if you don’t get your act together and work to save your marriage, you might leave me no choice in the future. This is NOT something I want to do, so if you really love your spouse, stop this now and fix your marriage.”
I’m also not necessarily of the view that a spouse needs to know that they were cheated on. Sometimes ignorance is bliss. I often feel when a cheater tells his/her spouse (who is totally unsuspecting) that they cheated simply to make themselves feel better - it’s a selfish move.
If my wife has a one time, moment of weakness, I wouldn’t want to know. I would be very happy living out my entire life having no idea. And I think I would be very resentful of the person who felt it was their place to tell me that my wife had an affair.
True, but I would be the reason & way the spouse found out. It’s always better to learn about these things from your spouse than to learn them from another person.
I’m also not necessarily of the view that a spouse needs to know that they were cheated on. Sometimes ignorance is bliss. I often feel when a cheater tells his/her spouse (who is totally unsuspecting) that they cheated simply to make themselves feel better - it’s a selfish move.
If my wife has a one time, moment of weakness, I wouldn’t want to know. I would be very happy living out my entire life having no idea. And I think I would be very resentful of the person who felt it was their place to tell me that my wife had an affair.
P
phil19034
Guest
https://aws1.discourse-cdn.com/catholic/original/1X/2016e752503d49f7f839b4241c8ce61f71b278b5.gif
With all due respect, how on Earth do you justify that reasoning?
I just cannot personally understand why someone would think that that would be best.
I mean, even if the spouse were your sibling or child? That’s all of the more reason why you ought to tell them if you have proof, I’d say.
What if they found out that you knew and never told them? I would think that that might not go over well, although I don’t know anything of your siblings or children (if you have them) so I can’t say for sure, of course.
There are certain things that I would rather not know, but this is one that I most definitely would want to know about.
[/quote]
All my answers come down to this… I would rather live my whole life believing that my wife loved me without reservation, than to spend years resenting her for a moment of weakness.
HOWEVER, please note: I’m saying “a moment of weakness.” However, if she was going out every week to raves and sleeping with different men every week, then that’s a totally different thing. Again, I said I would tell a spouse if the cheater was doing something dangerous (which that would be).
But I wouldn’t want to marriage destroyed over one moment of weakness that never happens again. So I would hope that a friend or family member would never tell me that my wife had a moment of weakness.
But again, if she was living a double life, had a 2nd family, multiple partners, … different story.
So because I try to live by the code “do unto others as you would want them to do onto you,” I’m not going to tell someone something that I wouldn’t want them to tell me.
And if it causes me a relationship with them, well, that’s the choice I made and I would have to live with it.
God bless
With all due respect, how on Earth do you justify that reasoning?
I just cannot personally understand why someone would think that that would be best.
I mean, even if the spouse were your sibling or child? That’s all of the more reason why you ought to tell them if you have proof, I’d say.
What if they found out that you knew and never told them? I would think that that might not go over well, although I don’t know anything of your siblings or children (if you have them) so I can’t say for sure, of course.
I agree, but it’s better to learn them than to not learn them at all.
There are certain things that I would rather not know, but this is one that I most definitely would want to know about.
How? Why?
[/quote]
All my answers come down to this… I would rather live my whole life believing that my wife loved me without reservation, than to spend years resenting her for a moment of weakness.
HOWEVER, please note: I’m saying “a moment of weakness.” However, if she was going out every week to raves and sleeping with different men every week, then that’s a totally different thing. Again, I said I would tell a spouse if the cheater was doing something dangerous (which that would be).
But I wouldn’t want to marriage destroyed over one moment of weakness that never happens again. So I would hope that a friend or family member would never tell me that my wife had a moment of weakness.
But again, if she was living a double life, had a 2nd family, multiple partners, … different story.
So because I try to live by the code “do unto others as you would want them to do onto you,” I’m not going to tell someone something that I wouldn’t want them to tell me.
And if it causes me a relationship with them, well, that’s the choice I made and I would have to live with it.
God bless
Last edited:
P
phil19034
Guest
In regards to this… this is why I would be spending every effort I could with the cheating in-law to make sure they straighten up, because I would not want my nieces, nephews or grandchildren living in a broken home.
It’s all about the children.
(NOTE: for your FYI, I do have nieces and nephews and I do have kids, but my kids are little at the moment)
Last edited:
J
JMMJ
Guest
Why do you presume a lie would be lived? Quite possible his wife would still love him without reservation (if she had a one-off affair) but had a period of weakness that he has no need or desire to know about. Perhaps she had a period of selfishness, but then came to her senses. Life is messy. These things aren’t cut-and-dry.
I have to say, I am a bit surprised at the people posting here who say they would be willing to insert themselves into the intimate relationship between a man and a woman. I would never go there. And I would not want someone going there in my marriage, either.
I have to say, I am a bit surprised at the people posting here who say they would be willing to insert themselves into the intimate relationship between a man and a woman. I would never go there. And I would not want someone going there in my marriage, either.
Last edited:
P
phil19034
Guest
It’s not a lie. I just don’t need to know everything.
I never said I would resent her indefinitely. I said resent her for years. I would forgive her right away, but forgiveness doesn’t mean that trust is automatically rebuilt and that we totally forget what happened. It would take a while for me to get past it, and possibly years. I might not be mad, but I will still be hurt.
Yes. That’s why I said if my decision caused me to lose my relationship with them, it’s something that I would have to live with. I can say the same thing can be said to you… This is why sin doesn’t just affect the sinner, but it has effects on everyone. The bigger the sin, the more people affected.
And again, I wouldn’t expect the adulterer to necessarily tell the spouse. But I would expect them to stop cheating. Just like if I found my kid shoplifting, I wouldn’t make them call the police. But I would expect them to return the product or make amends some way.
I never said I would resent her indefinitely. I said resent her for years. I would forgive her right away, but forgiveness doesn’t mean that trust is automatically rebuilt and that we totally forget what happened. It would take a while for me to get past it, and possibly years. I might not be mad, but I will still be hurt.
Yes. That’s why I said if my decision caused me to lose my relationship with them, it’s something that I would have to live with. I can say the same thing can be said to you… This is why sin doesn’t just affect the sinner, but it has effects on everyone. The bigger the sin, the more people affected.
And again, I wouldn’t expect the adulterer to necessarily tell the spouse. But I would expect them to stop cheating. Just like if I found my kid shoplifting, I wouldn’t make them call the police. But I would expect them to return the product or make amends some way.
Last edited:
P
phil19034
Guest
Agreed. It’s one thing to approach the cheater and charitably urge them to stop.
It another to tell the spouse and throw gas on the fire.
Last edited:
T
Thorolfr
Guest
There is, of course, disagreement among many Christians about what exactly God teaches.
Who cares about a dictionary definition in this case? All the gay people getting married now don’t care. And Justice Kennedy didn’t base his majority Supreme Court opinion which struck down laws prohibiting same-sex marriage in Obergefell v. Hodges on something in a dictionary.
Clergy in many Protestant denomination now perform same-sex marriages and they obviously think that gay people meet the criteria to get married. They don’t think they know better than God, they just don’t interpret Scripture in the same way as those who think that it is impossible for same-sex couples to get married.
Who cares about a dictionary definition in this case? All the gay people getting married now don’t care. And Justice Kennedy didn’t base his majority Supreme Court opinion which struck down laws prohibiting same-sex marriage in Obergefell v. Hodges on something in a dictionary.
Clergy in many Protestant denomination now perform same-sex marriages and they obviously think that gay people meet the criteria to get married. They don’t think they know better than God, they just don’t interpret Scripture in the same way as those who think that it is impossible for same-sex couples to get married.
Tis_Bearself
Patron
Spouse A may even know that Spouse B is having an affair and for whatever reason be okay with that, or be willing to put up with it/look the other way.
Don’t always assume that people don’t know what their spouses are doing. There are plenty of couples who have personal arrangements, and they don’t welcome outsiders prying into their arrangement.
J
JMMJ
Guest
This is so true. In fact, I was going to post earlier that the wife is NEVER the last to know. However, I decided not to post it because it probably isn’t true. But I am older and have seen a lot of things in my life. I can say with certainty, the wife is usually not the last to know.
Married couples often times have arrangements. The last thing I would be willing to do is step in the middle of that!
Married couples often times have arrangements. The last thing I would be willing to do is step in the middle of that!
P
phil19034
Guest
I think “arrangements” are less common than people think. Granted, they might be more common that people think too.
But generally, I don’t think this is something that is common outside of Hollywood and people of power.
Even in open marriages where they are ok with swinging, they usually are not ok with dating.
Last edited:
Tis_Bearself
Patron
Depends on who you hang out with. It’s definitely not limited only to Hollywood though.
I spent most of my life hanging out with artists and musicians. Not in Hollywood but in several rather humdrum East Coast cities and in the Midwest. I heard about or saw pretty much every weird couple situation you could dream up. Pretty common actually.
Last edited:
P
phil19034
Guest
Ok, they count as “Hollywood types.”phil19034:
Depends on who you hang out with. It’s definitely not limited only to Hollywood though.
I spent most of my life hanging out with artists and musicians. Not in Hollywood but in several rather humdrum East Coast cities and in the Midwest. I heard about or saw pretty much every weird couple situation you could dream up. Pretty common actually.
I usually say “Hollywood” to mean all actors, musicians, and other artists. They don’t have to be actually in LA or rich
Many of them have a Hollywood view on life
Last edited:
J
JUPITERMADCAT
Guest
Every human is born with cancer cells it just takes something to activate them. So are you saying God was not involved?
P
prayerrider
Guest
Yes and the only interpretation of Scripture that could justify same sex “marriage” would be a false interpretation.
Last edited:
J
JMMJ
Guest
I follow my conscience and my common sense. It has never lead me astray.
J
JMMJ
Guest
As I said, using my conscious combined with my common sense has always lead me in the right direction. I am on the far end of middle age. For me, I can say it is a tried-and-true method for making these decisions. Works for me.
Last edited:
- Status