16 Yr old daughter is sexually active

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You should take her on a retreat to mundelein seminary in Illinois. It’s a beautiful place very amazing experience to have there. Along with Mary town which is right up the street.
 
Hi OP,

Sorry if this has already been mentioned but I am wondering whether the therapist she saw was on her own or in your presence?

As others have mentioned,it may take a few therapists until she finds one she likes and is comfortable with.

Personally I think you should postpone any serious discipline etc for the time being until the suicide issues have been dealt with first as you don’t want to risk distressing her further or alienating her.

Kids can take drugs for either of two reasons:
1.simply because they want to have fun and they choose this decision and this would be a disciplinary issue.
or
2.because they have some distress or mental illness and this is better addressed as a psychological issue.

Do you know what it was that happened at school to make her react this way?
Is it purely the school friend issue that made her want to commit suicide or is she also feeling distressed with the home situation?
Does she feel she can confide in her sister?
 
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While you’re dealing with the very serious psychological problem please don’t forget to take your daughter to the gyn.
 
What to do and what will get her “back on track” will have less to do with clamping down and more to do with addressing all the hurt. Even if you had not mentioned the suicide attempt I read the things she is doing as the actions of a girl who is hurting so bad. Having one parent who is too lax can make you feel like they don’t care about you. Having another swoop in blaming the other and clamping down can feel like who are you all of the sudden to start caring now.

This is a life and death matter. Keep seeking professional help for her and do the same for your marriage. The parenting arrangement you have with your wife was years in the making and the fruit of both of your decisions, not just hers. Your other kids may feel the same way but their natures causes them to react differently.

Baby girl needs to feel loved. She is hurting so badly. See her. Love her!
 
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Beyond the delicacy of the situation of the suicide attempts, there is also the issue that the things she is doing plus the trouble between you all at home make her fit the profile of many victims of human trafficking. If she decides to run away or has some tangle with the law, it puts her at greater risk for that.

So much hurting in your family. I’m so sorry this has happened.
 
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Boy lot of responses here. Cant respond to all but will to the advice of not clamping down. I cant see allowing her to continue abusing her driving privlidges. She is running around
Dont clamp down on that? Are u serious?
 
I don’t think anyone was saying for there to be no consequences at all, just don’t go overboard. Unfortunately, your wife is probably viewed as the “good cop” and you are the “bad.” That is why you both need to come together. Speak with your wife about consequences and both of you need to come up with a plan/punishment to present to your daughter.
 
Just reading this it seems she has low self esteem and is seeking validation from friends in these negative ways and looking for love in all the wrong places.

She may also have an undiagnosed issue which is best addressed with a professional on how to parent to these things.
 
Tbrightson said:
Boy lot of responses here. Cant respond to all but will to the advice of not clamping down. I cant see allowing her to continue abusing her driving privlidges. She is running around
Dont clamp down on that? Are u serious?
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You’re right. I think maybe the phrase “clamping down” is why you got the rush of responses. You are right to limit some freedoms. I think we just saw clamping down and thought of someone responding less delicately in their presentation of the rules. As a loving father who is doing these things for her protection you of course will be more delicate. No: Listen here missy. We’re clamping down!
 
Now you can bring her to a professional. In a few years she can refuse.

Of course she has to want to participate. So you can also ask a family counselor ways to motivate her to want to get help.
 
Well there is a lot of onion layers to peel. Here is one. Wife believes kids come before marriage. Said this flat out to a supposefly catholic marriage counselor who said nothing. Wife has pretty much worked that way. I think the fact wife and i are not much more than roommates has been a negative influence big time.
 
I’m sorry to hear that. And such a tricky time to try and fix that misconception. You can’t really whisk her away on a vacation or retreat to build things back up right now because you cannot leave your daughter alone. Maybe see what resources your parish has for married couples? And somehow make her think it’s her idea. Some people are like that. You’re in a tough spot but you obviously care a great deal. God bless you.
 
Here an example. Kids have been slobs dropping clothes everywhere and I told them i would be tossing said clothes items in the accessible crawlspace where they can fetch them. Wife doesnt care about this whole issue. So after doing this one kid(not the been talking about) says she is glad i am doing that as crawlspace is closer to washing machine. Well i responded that then from now on They will be tossed in a pile on the property line outside. And i did just that. I come home from work to find my clothes strung out over the yard. I see this and observe a smirk in wifes face. She let the kid do it. Why did you let her do that to me? " well i was pissed too because u threw out expensive makeup"
 
Tbrightson said:
And is taking xanax. So what to do?

My wife has been raising the kids a lot more liberally than I would like. “I give them freedom so they can experience the world” …:roll_eyes:

I am complete opposite in attitude- a lot more strict in who what and where they are doing. -I could go on and on about that…but I digress…these events have not surprised me in the latest. My thought to my wifes “experienceing the world” remark was “Yeah they are going to experience the world alright” My way of approaching parenting was rejected to the point of them leaving me for a time. So I was relegated to just watching the carnage unfold….Thankfully the other two teenagers seem to be doing ok. It was one of them that tipped us off about the situation and I thanked her for that.

[snip for space]

But I know that what is important right now is not recriminations but getting my daughter back on track.

Thoughts and prayers appreciated
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I’ve been reading ahead. I’m sorry you’re going through this. As a father and grand father myself, I can more than sympathize.

I might have missed it, did you mention what faith you are or that you and your family practice a faith.

I’m sure that what I’m going to say follows what you’ve been saying, and others have said

I know that much of the problems we have today in society and the world, is the result of too many families not living their faith anymore. And as a result, sin is crushing them or will crush them. Sin isn’t given even a cursory nod, nor the consequences waiting as a result of all the sin. I’m not talking about consequences like parents taking away stuff from the kids, I’m talking about what awaits them in life as a result of all the sin, and most importantly the life after this life awaiting them as a result of one dying in mortal sin. People think life is bad NOW?

You mention your daughter’s drug usage and attempted suicide. In addition to the professional help you’re pursuing

I’m adding you and your family’s intentions, to my daily mass and rosary.
 
That clothing situation I can almost see from both sides. Note that I said almost because I can’t see a situation where I’d smirk as they threw their daddy’s clothes outside, even though I’m a smirker by nature. There are more minor situations where one of us proceeds with punishment in the heat of the moment or without consulting the other. The other person is left scrambling to intervene or enforce something they might not agree with. If the situation allows, you have to have a sidebar about what the two of you think should be done. That might not be easy given how differently you two parent, but it might keep your clothes out of the yard.
 
Your wife openly mocked and disrespected you to your children.

This is about you and your wife. Your children are the bearers of the collateral damage.

If no one else in your family will go for counseling, go by yourself for the sake of your children. Not just for the daughter outwardly affected, but for all of your children. It is your duty and responsibility to care for them and you may need help to proceed from where you are now. It’s not going to go away, it’s not going to fix itself, and your wife has already shown she cannot be depended on.

What are you waiting for?
 
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She may be battling bi-polar illness that is causing her to self-medicate and act permissively; you really need a diagnosis.
 
On the clothes thing i was tossing clothes into the crawlspace for weeks before i escalated. My wife knew about my escalation a head of time. The child did the dirty deed while i was at work with my wifes blessing. I come home and at first noticed clothes on the line. Thought they decided to line dry clothes and i praised what i initially saw out the back window. Seen my wife grinning or smirking. Then noticed what was really going on. Felt betrayed. Told her no matter how mad i would be at her i would never my kids disrespect her like that.
 
Yeah, so? Your wife knew and betrayed you. And then relished your kids disrespecting you.

Again, this is about you and your wife.

P.S. If you were throwing clothes in the crawl space for weeks and then “escalated,” it clearly was not working.
What were the consequences for throwing your clothes outside, btw?
 
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Tbrightson said:
Kids have been slobs dropping clothes everywhere
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Confiscate whatever is left, put in a large lawn/leaf bag and secure it somewhere. Make them earn everything back. 😀
DisorientingSneeze said:
I’d smirk as they threw their daddy’s clothes outside,
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One thing that sticks out to me is the entitlement of the kids, thinking their level of authority is on par with that of the parents. “I can do this to you (scatter your clothes in the yard) because you did it to me!” It is more like children bickering than parent/child relationships.
Tbrightson said:
Told her no matter how mad i would be at her i would never my kids disrespect her like that.
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Yes, there is an evil, mocking spirit at work trying to destroy your family.
Irishmom2 said:
P.S. If you were throwing clothes in the crawl space for weeks and then “escalated,” it clearly was not working.
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Good point. Another method is needed.

These problems are not uncommon, and you just need to work with a professional on ideas that are effective, over which you have control when your wife will not support you. It may have limited effectiveness if wife is refusing to participate in co-parenting the Children.

Her error in the thinking that the children come before the marriage is that the children will reflect the condition of the marriage.
 
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