Can a marriage survive this?

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ptsearch said:
If you seek the advice of a marriage counselor the first thing they will tell both of you is “all contact with the OP must cease”. If that means changing jobs, moving, whatever it takes. Your marriage has to be the priority.
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Yes. This is what I’m hoping for. That she sees that this is not something I WANT, it’s something that NEEDS to happen. I’m done being a pushover on this. That’s all there is to say.
 
I think you will do well, Rascal, pushing for what is right. This guy is so much older and so not a keeper. She is probably going to wake up and realize how utterly foolish she has been. Although, the tougher part will be getting her to open up, and that is going to take some individual counseling for her.
 
She wants to do the equivalent of this:

If she were an alcoholic, she would be proposing that she would “handle it” while still keeping an open bar in the living room.

For her to toss Romeo out of her life would be to admit he really wasn’t “just a friend” and it all was “totally innocent.”

The worst lies we tell are the ones we tell ourselves.
 
Yeah, I’m still sitting on the “drug addict” line. Saving it for when it will be most powerful/useful.

I asked her once, why she kept going back if it meant that she could lose me. She told me it was like a drug. That she was addicted to it.

She may not know it, but I remember most everything she told me. The worst part is what did she NOT tell me? I do believe her when she told me that the never had sex, but I don’t think it was far off based on the emails I read.

I’m finding my spine. She may not like it at first, but I can’t be “whipped” forever.
 
I gave up sex for Lent, hoping it would make me stronger through all of this,
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Um, I don’t think this was a good idea.

First of all, one 1/2 of a married couple can’t just “give up sex for Lent” unless it is something you both agree to do together. I couldn’t even give up television for Lent without my dh doing so also because we ended up spending too much time in separate rooms.

Since you two aren’t communicating well, even if she agreed to give up sex for Lent also, you don’t know if she felt pressured to do so or even felt relieved, as it might give her an excuse to bond more closely with the “other man”.

Good luck, I have been praying for you in all this.
 
So, I’ve been emailing her the past 2 days. Which really seems weird, seing as how we still share our life and our house (I prefer to call it one life instead of 2 lives, and have done so all through this). But, she works weekends (“he” didn’t work yesterday, I don’t know about today, she didn’t say). And, I find it easier to put into words what I want to say when I write it. I can make it less confrontational, less “angry”, and more to the point. Besides, I emailed her because I told her I would send her some links.

Anyway, this is what I wrote today
I told you. I can’t do this alone, and we can’t do it separately. I Love You too much for this to tear us apart. I’m still going to look into counseling. I hope you’ll go with me. I hope that your issues with “opening up” will be resolved as far as it goes with me. I need you to be completely open and honest with me. About everything. I’m going to work harder to be a better confidant. I know I’m severely lacking in that area. I’m done being a wimp about all this. Done hiding from it, and hoping it goes away. I have to be strong for you. For our family. This site says that most people take 2 years to recover and reconcile. But, only if we both work at it.

Look. It’s like this. You and I are the CORE unit of everything in our life. On the strength of our relationship is everything else balanced…Our Kids, career/school, our extended family, our home, everything else. If WE fail, then all of that comes crashing down. There is nothing worth that. I won’t let it happen.

There is nothing more important to me on Earth, than our marriage. It is what holds the rest of our life together. If there is anything outside the bonds of our marriage that you want me to give up because it’s a threat to us, all you have to do is ask.
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(If anyone thinks I should change anything, now’s the time to tell me. I can still edit it for 2 more hours until she comes home from work.)
 
I will be keeping you in my thoughts… I hope there is a solution at the end of this that suits you both.
 
RJ, that email you wrote to her sounds good to me. The only thing is that I hope she doesn’t get you wrong in any of it. If it were me receiving that email, the quotation marks around “opening up” would cause me to bring up an argument with you. Why? Just because of how confrontational I can be and would ask if you are making fun of me by putting it in quotation marks. I hope that’s not the case with her and I know it’s already too late for you to change it. I hope she responds well to your email. Maybe this way she’ll really understand what she is doing to you, to your marriage and to your family. Many prayers for you.
 
Rascal,

I have secondhand advice to give you, if you’re looking for advice. Why not focus a LOT on how hurt you are, how much she is hurting you, how much grief and pain and stress she is putting on you?

I was reading your recent posts and it reminded me very much of a neighbor who went through his spouse having an emotional and then physical affair. He talked about how he was always trying to be nice to her and help her, thinking she had a problem with the marriage, an unfulfilled need, etc.

They made it through the emotional affair and one of the things that stands out to me is her admittance that she felt okay doing it because she didn’t feel guilty over hurting her husband…in other words she was able to justify it.

I say, don’t be unloving, but do make a big stink. She shouldn’t be able to sink into a relativist idea of happiness. She needs to feel everyday that she is hurting herself, leading the other guy along and deeply hurting you. She needs to see how much this costs.
 
All I want right now, is for her to quit talking to him, and to quit working with him. I tried to find links to sites that say what we should be doing. Those sites seem to all say she needs to cut contact with him. I want her to hear it from someone other than me, so she doesn’t feel like I’m being selfish or demanding. Someone above posted a link to survivinginfidelity.com. I saw that had advice for both the betrayed and the wayward. I passed the link on to her. I’m hoping she’ll read it.

I hate communicating with her via email. But, it’s a start.
 
RJ,

I have to agree with Hasikelee here. It seems you are being passive about your wife’s infidelity. I’ve been through it. Platitudes don’t work. If she didn’t do a complete reversal when she was first caught, don’t expect her to change when you are wishy-washy.

She’s already convinced herself that this is OK for her, you and the marriage. I’m afraid some cold water in the face is called for here. First your face, then hers.

I’m praying for you all.
 
Think big, think strong.

Think old movie - think John Wayne and Rhett Butler. She needs you to stand up and FIGHT for her. To say, I love you, you are precious to me and I will be D#$%#d before I let another man take you from me.

Email is passive - sorry, she needs action, big huge gestures. This guy has swept her off her feet. It is going to take something more than an email to win her heart back.

Have you walked up to the man and said “You are not going to take my wife from me, I love this woman.”

She works weekends in some sort of retail place? Get a baby sitter and show up at her store, bring flowers. Don’t be shy.

She has to quit this job. If she brings up $$ for gas, tell her you would rather take the bus than give her up to that man. If she says she needs to be out of the house, tell her you have signed up for a ball room dance class togehter. Be willing to win her back.
 
I’m trying. You guys ARE helping. It’s tough going from a “don’t want to make waves and drive her away” to “dammit, I don’t care, I deserve better”.

I’ve always been rather passive. But, I’m changing. I can’t take it any more.

I’m really hoping to get in to some sort of counsellor/advisor soon.
 
RascalJones said:
I’m trying. You guys ARE helping. It’s tough going from a “don’t want to make waves and drive her away” to “dammit, I don’t care, I deserve better”.

I’ve always been rather passive. But, I’m changing. I can’t take it any more.

I’m really hoping to get in to some sort of counsellor/advisor soon.
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Prayers for you. One word of caution - the “I deserve better”.

Your MARRIAGE vows deserve better. The Sacrament deserves better. Keep God first and foremost!
 
Yes. That’s true. That IS the way I feel. I just got carried away.

BTW, I deleted the email before she read it.
 
Buddy you are in a train wreck and watching it happen. I can understand what you are going through but there is really nothing else you can do. The ball is in her court. She is going to do what she wants. Thats whats shes been doing. I feel so bad for you but from what i have read you have done all you can. She is either going to end this or see it thru. And trust me he doesnt want her. there is a saying watch how a man treats his wife, he did her to her he will do it to you. If that mans wife found out he would be begging his wife to forgive him. He would blame it all in her. How many calls do you think he would take from her if he was with his wife. None thats how many. She is going to lose it all. He is going back with his wife after this (whom i presume he never left) and you are going to be the one to suffer. Can you forgive her. THats what you need to think about. Oh you may now but if she doesnt stop you will resent her for this. And she needs to know that. What i would do is this. Tell my husband ok you either end this. Or end us. No both ways no more. but you have to be willing to suffer the results. But the pain cant be much worse than it is now. No more Mr nice guy, you did that. My way or the Highway. Sorry thats my advice.
 
I think the previous poster brings up a good issue. Anything that hot has to cool down eventually. And that kind of man finds someone new to feed his ego. When he casts her aside, how will that suit you that she comes back to you because you are “second choice?” Because you are all that’s left?

You need to know that she is choosing you all over again too. That she is choosing you because she prefers YOU. And the time to hear that is now.

Or it will be harder to fix it when the other guy kicks her to the curb.

Let’s call it what it is… it’s emotional masturbation they’re doing. They’re using each other. Before the relationship becomes physical, she needs to LEAVE HIM ALONE! But right now she’s calling it by lovely names… “friendship” “deep friendship” maybe even “soul mates.” YOU are supposed to be her soul mate.

Are there rules at the office about office romances? Can you talk to her supervisor? Can you find her a new job elsewhere?

You’re more patient than I. By this point I would have called the man’s wife and told her to call off her husband.
 
Liberanosamalo said:
You’re more patient than I. By this point I would have called the man’s wife and told her to call off her husband.
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I think I would not recommend this…could backfire if the wife kicks him out and he is suddenly “available”. It would make repairing your marriage so much more of an uphill battle than it really is.
 
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