Can a marriage survive this?

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scott1228 said:
I also agree with the temporary use of anti-depressants, though I will add, most doctors will suggest seeing a counselor in conjunction with their use for maximum effectiveness.
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I refused these against my doctors advice. Then again, I hate prescription drugs unless they are absolutely necessary.

You may find yourself getting ill or losing a lot of weight in this time. That is not uncommon. I lost 15% of my bodyweight (and I wasn’t overweight) and developed some serious digestive problems. Definitely see your doctor. I’m sorry to say this but you need to get tested for STD’s and AIDS. I’m very sorry. Most people in EA’s will later admit to PA’s. Get tested and consider ceasing all sexual contact with your wife until this is over. Again RJ, I’m so sorry.
 
RascalJones said:
“I’m Sorry” loses it’s power after about 20 times for 20 different events of the same thing.
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It is better than not being sorry, or even inventing things to accuse you of to try to make herself feel better about the choices she knows (at some level) she is making. BTDT, and its much worse than what you are dealing with now, but its good you are taking action now instead of waiting until it gets to that point.
RascalJones said:
As far as someone’s suggestion with the anti-dep’s, I’m not interested.
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I would make sure that you get enough sunlight and perhaps try the St. John’s Wort herb if you are not on other meds that interact with it, to keep yourself up mentally
 
RascalJones said:
How about “I’m sorry…but I still care for him.”
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Still more promising for reconciliation than lies, or accusing you of being controlling, abusive, or spying on her. “I’m sorry” doesn’t make you into the bad guy so she can use guilt to keep you from seeing the truth and trying to stop the affair and save your marriage.

Seriously, I know it SUCKS right now but, in my unexpert opinion, it sounds like y’all have a good chance.
 
RascalJones said:
As far as someone’s suggestion with the anti-dep’s, I’m not interested. I can handle this.
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I am not saying you should take them, but this was my initial reaction to the idea as well. The idea of it seemed to be a sign of weakness in my initial reaction. But through prayer I was told that I should not refuse help out of pride. I am not saying you need to get on them, I don’t know you or enough about your situation to even suggest that you should (I only mean to mention they can help in some situations), but in the larger sense the part about not refusing help is true. You can not handle this alone, you need God. He often works through others so make sure you listen to him and don’t refuse the help he offers or guides you to. It is not always miraculous or spiritual, sometimes it is simply practical.

By the way, when I got them I took them for maybe 2 weeks, and supposedly they do nothing the first week. If I remember right, things sort of came to a head at that time, and then got better and so I stopped taking them. Interesting how the timing worked out for me if seen through the lens of faith.
 
I’ve been married for almost 20 years. (Boy that makes me feel old:) ) There have been big downs in thoses years, but the things that have made it work, are faith, the knowlege that marriage is forever, and a partner that believes in the same.

We know that sometimes it is hard to be together, we know that we grow as people at different rates, we know that we have made this promise before God and with God, and we know that means we MUST work through it. That being said, if one partner is not in agreement then you have more tha just an emotional affair to work out.

The person that had the affair must be willing to work to save the marriage. That must include a total break with the other person. I have seen the damage an emotional affair has and I think it is much more damaging than a physical affair. Many people can understand a physical attraction but the damage that the betrayal of emotion is much harder to overcome. Forgivness is nearly impossiable with the “wrong” in your face all the time.

Remaining “friends” is simply a way to carry on an emotional affair under another name.

I think that we seek help all the time for ills of the body, but not for ills of the heart, mind and soul. Both partners need to seek that help to mend their relationship and save their marriage.
 
Melford said:
I’ve been married for almost 20 years. (Boy that makes me feel old:) ) There have been big downs in thoses years, but the things that have made it work, are faith, the knowlege that marriage is forever, and a partner that believes in the same.

We know that sometimes it is hard to be together, we know that we grow as people at different rates, we know that we have made this promise before God and with God, and we know that means we MUST work through it. That being said, if one partner is not in agreement then you have more tha just an emotional affair to work out.

The person that had the affair must be willing to work to save the marriage. That must include a total break with the other person. I have seen the damage an emotional affair has and I think it is much more damaging than a physical affair. Many people can understand a physical attraction but the damage that the betrayal of emotion is much harder to overcome. Forgivness is nearly impossiable with the “wrong” in your face all the time.

Remaining “friends” is simply a way to carry on an emotional affair under another name.

I think that we seek help all the time for ills of the body, but not for ills of the heart, mind and soul. Both partners need to seek that help to mend their relationship and save their marriage.
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Very succinct and beautifully stated. Thank you.

I’m going to need lots of prayers. Tonight is the night that I lay it all on the line. I’m not going to get angry and scream. I’m not going to beg and plead. I’m going to state my case, and let her decide what she wants. If it’s not me, then I’ll start crying…and probably won’t stop for a month.
 
I also will be praying for you Rascal. At least you will know will you stand, sometimes the not knowing is the worst part. I really hope it works out for you, and she sees how lucky she is.
 
RascalJones said:
Very succinct and beautifully stated. Thank you.

I’m going to need lots of prayers. Tonight is the night that I lay it all on the line. I’m not going to get angry and scream. I’m not going to beg and plead. I’m going to state my case, and let her decide what she wants. If it’s not me, then I’ll start crying…and probably won’t stop for a month.
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My prayers are with you as well.
 
RascalJones said:
Very succinct and beautifully stated. Thank you.

I’m going to need lots of prayers. Tonight is the night that I lay it all on the line. I’m not going to get angry and scream. I’m not going to beg and plead. I’m going to state my case, and let her decide what she wants. If it’s not me, then I’ll start crying…and probably won’t stop for a month.
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I am adding you and your family to the list of people I pray for everyday.

BTW, and just something that a good friend told me about her experience. Her husband of 10+ years had several adulterous affairs one after the other over a period of 3 years (and through one of her pregnancies.) She always felt ‘something wasn’t right,’ but never dreamed it was as awful as it turned out to be. It has been 4 years since all of it came out, and they are working hard on their marriage. What she told me was this: How she wished someone had told her about her husband sooner! In fact, she makes it her own personal mission to tell women about (well-founded) rumours she hears about their husbands in order to help them get to the bottom of things before 3 years worth of affairs goes by. Also, when she found out, she went straight to her spouse’s parents and made him tell them both in front of her. It was pretty awful for everyone, but he needed to see and feel the hurt he caused EVERYONE in his family (IMO).

God bless you!
 
Well. Lots of tears last night. Hers, not mine. I said all the things I wanted to say. She didn’t make a choice yet…or at least SAY that she did. I know she’s hurting, but I told her that if she’s going to keep him in her life, then she’s going to lose me. She never blamed me for anything. The only thing she said was “you want me to quit my job, which is the only thing that’s kept me sane for the past year”. I told her there are other jobs she can do. She was ready to keep her job and let me leave at one point. She did finally open up and tell me that she’s depressed a lot, and that she loves me, but there seems to be this huge distance between us. I said, “well, then, let’s work on that. but i can’t start until he’s gone.”

the only REAL heated part of the conversation was when I metioned that his wife needs to know. she gave me all kinds of excuses why not to. tried to make me promise i wouldn’t. i told her i couldn’t promise that.

i also told her that the priest that i went to confession and talked to (and she’s familiar with, he used to be at our old parish) told me that if she wanted to talk/go to confession he’d be there for her.

all in all, it’s still up in limbo. but at lesat she knows where I stand…and she may not believe it, but i’m going to stick to what i said.

she’ll work with him today, i wonder how that will go.
 
good for you. I was praying for you. I am so glad now at least you have a chance. Stick to your guns RJ you have to. She can get a job anywhere. As far as telling the wife that has to be your decision. But between you and me i would tell her all communicaton with him will end today. The first time she talks to him. the wife is called. And i would tell her, i mean it, dont believe me, watch me. and i would then do it Rascal. But i would leave the decision up to her. And i would tell her this is no threat, this is a promise. Good Luck, You deserve the best. And love her, give her another chance. Even if she doesnt deserve it at this point your kids do.
 
RascalJones said:
Well. Lots of tears last night. Hers, not mine. I said all the things I wanted to say. She didn’t make a choice yet…or at least SAY that she did. I know she’s hurting, but I told her that if she’s going to keep him in her life, then she’s going to lose me. She never blamed me for anything. The only thing she said was “you want me to quit my job, which is the only thing that’s kept me sane for the past year”. I told her there are other jobs she can do. She was ready to keep her job and let me leave at one point. She did finally open up and tell me that she’s depressed a lot, and that she loves me, but there seems to be this huge distance between us. I said, “well, then, let’s work on that. but i can’t start until he’s gone.”

the only REAL heated part of the conversation was when I metioned that his wife needs to know. she gave me all kinds of excuses why not to. tried to make me promise i wouldn’t. i told her i couldn’t promise that.

i also told her that the priest that i went to confession and talked to (and she’s familiar with, he used to be at our old parish) told me that if she wanted to talk/go to confession he’d be there for her.

all in all, it’s still up in limbo. but at lesat she knows where I stand…and she may not believe it, but i’m going to stick to what i said.

she’ll work with him today, i wonder how that will go.
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Hang in there, Rascal. You did good. I offered a prayer for you at the Stations of the Cross last night.
 
RJ:

I think that you did a good job. Hope you read the information about the no contact letter on marriage builders as well.

She will have to find a new job. Bottom line.

Best wishes,
 
I wonder if she will go to work today and tell him about your ultimatum…and the part about telling his wife. If he thinks this might have a negative impact on his life, I think that there is the chance that he might encourage her to quit too. That would be great in getting her to see the reality that she in truth is nothing to him and everything to you.
 
RJ - you did great.

She knows now that you can’t build your marriage if she remains friends with him.

What I am concerned with is that she didn’t jump on the band wagon and agree to anything and she’s going to work today.

I am praying for you.
 
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