Guilty Spouse Confessing Adultery

[PaulinVA]

Parish priest has a deep and profound understanding of the sacramental nature of marriage as well of God’s mercy and forgivness. He gives advice with the intent to help you and your spouse heal and get to heaven.

Counselor has book knowledge from whatever college he went to, experience from other people he has counseled, and the desire to keep a continuing paying customer.

Guess who’s advice I’d follow?

I can’t help but say this - the mentality of “shhhh, be quiet and you are forgiven. Don’t tell anyone” brought us the sex abuse scandal.

 

[thomfra]

For the “tell your spouse” side of the house… after Confession, do you tell your spouse every sin you confessed?

Oh, well those people don’t sin you see (nothing really nasty anyway). So they don’t have such problems.

 

[PaulinVA]

Oh, well those people don’t sin you see (nothing really nasty anyway). So they don’t have such problems.

Well, that was snarky.

 

[iamrefreshed]

Yes, but you are a teenager and are not married, you know not of which you speak.

That was very condenscending KC.

I have been cheated on and lied to. Does that give me the one up on you so I can tell you that you know not of which you speak?

 

[iamrefreshed]

For the “tell your spouse” side of the house… after Confession, do you tell your spouse every sin you confessed?

Apples and oranges and a strawman to boot. Nice try though

When you harm another don’t you ask for their forgiveness as well as Gods?

 

[shannyk]

I have to say I think the idea of not telling, and justifying it, is bizarre.

If my husband cheated (which mine did and more than once) and didn’t tell, I’d have found out eventually anyway, then been even more upset because he betrayed me not just by cheating, but by omitting purposefully what I have a right to know.

So then you have a double whammy. Cheated, which involves sneaking and lying all that, and then you have hiding it and going on in our married life under false pretenses.

You can’t really accurately compare the relationship of husband and wife to any other, because it’s a unique relationship where two people become one.

If my husbands cheats, I have a right to know because it’s not just about HIM. His sexuality is intimately entwined with mine. I have a right to know what he’s done, so that I can make an informed decision about my own body for my own health, physical, mental and emotional.

By not telling you are also taking away the chance for the two of you to address whatever problem has caused this in the first place, and seek healing from it. if the spouse is not told what hope is there of tackling the issue and getting over it? More likely it will grow and fester and happen again and again. It’s rarely a one time deal.

I’d not want to know, because of the pain it would cause, but I would need to know for my own good.

 

[shannyk]

Apples and oranges and a strawman to boot. Nice try though

When you harm another don’t you ask for their forgiveness as well as Gods?

Yes I have to wonder this too…what about restitution? When you sin against someone especially in such a profound way, you owe a debt to them that must be paid. Sweep it under the rug and you’ll still have to make up for it at some point…purgatory anyone?

 

[kage_ar]

Apples and oranges and a strawman to boot. Nice try though

When you harm another don’t you ask for their forgiveness as well as Gods?

This is a valid question in the debate. What we are talking about is sin. Either spouses are advised ? expected ? required ? commanded ? to reveal sin to one another or they are not.

As far as asking forgivness from a person against whom you have sinned, that is not always advisable, and it is not required per se.

Let’s say a person steals $500 from his employer. He goes to confession, he has contrition and a firm purpose of amendment, and recieves absolution. If the person goes and confesses to his boss, or if he pays the money back to his boss, he will be fired and will be unable to support his family. The Priest does not require the man to confess to his boss. The Priest can advise that he donate $500 to a charity as repairation, or that he work some extra hours for that boss without taking pay for it. The sinner is not required to confess to the boss and risk his livelyhood.

If a person confesses that they axe murdered 15 people, the Priest cannot make confessing to the families of these people or to the law a condition for forgivness.

This is a very valid question.

Are spouses required to confess every sin to both the Priest AND the spouse?

 

[PaulinVA]

This is a very valid question.

Are spouses required to confess every sin to both the Priest AND the spouse?

20 "But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him.

21"The son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.’

22"But the father said to his servants, ‘Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. 23Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let’s have a feast and celebrate. 24For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’ So they began to celebrate. "

I would answer your question this way - if I sin against my wife somehow, then yes, I should apologize ans ask for forgiveness. If I confess to a priest that I am prideful and arrogant, well, she already knows.

 

[iamrefreshed]

By not telling you are also taking away the chance for the two of you to address whatever problem has caused this in the first place, and seek healing from it.

This is an excellent point that has thus far not been addressed. At the risk of TMI I’ll share something.

I found out that over an 8 year period my wife cheated on me. Not in the conventional affair way but rather casual sex with total strangers. There were several, I finally found out.

This happened a few times over those 8 years in very short intense bursts. Totally out of character for her. It’d be like finding out your grandmother was a bisexual. That’s was how out of character it was for her. She let strangers sexually abuse her. If you’ve ever heard of ‘cutting’ this is another way to hurt yourself.

Well, because I found out, we were able to get to the bottom of it eventually. She was sexually molested by her father and raped as a child. I knew none of this before marriage. Without the truth my wife would probably be dead today.

Truth led us to her problem. Her lying only delayed the help.

 

[shannyk]

This is an excellent point that has thus far not been addressed. At the risk of TMI I’ll share something.

I found out that over an 8 year period my wife cheated on me. Not in the conventional affair way but rather casual sex with total strangers. There were several, I finally found out.

This happened a few times over those 8 years in very short intense bursts. Totally out of character for her. It’d be like finding out your grandmother was a bisexual. That’s was how out of character it was for her. She let strangers sexually abuse her. If you’ve ever heard of ‘cutting’ this is another way to hurt yourself.

Well, because I found out, we were able to get to the bottom of it eventually. She was sexually molested by her father and raped as a child. I knew none of this before marriage. Without the truth my wife would probably be dead today.

Truth led us to her problem. Her lying only delayed the help.

iam, God bless you both and I can’t imagine the pain this caused you both.

I imagine though, that in helping your wife heal, it helped you heal too…?

I think it’s admirable, your willingness to bear the burden of this with your wife who obviously needed you to know the pain she was in inside in order to get the help she needed.

Marriage is a life of pain and sacrifice indeed.

 

[shannyk]

I will tell you ladies this - if you cheated on me, ended the affair, and never told me, and I found out one day, I would divorce you.

If you came to me at the time and asked for forgiveness, I would give it to you.

The difference is, it is my decision whether to stay with you after you cheat. If you do not give me the courtesy of making that decision and remaining with you voluntarily, then every day you are living a lie. Every day that you kiss me and tell me you love me you are lying to me, because you are not faithful to me. If you do not allow me to stay with you by my own decision, knowing all of the facts, then when I find out, you will be out.

I’m sorry, I’m usually much nicer and conciliatory, but I just can’t imagine living with someone who lied to me and led me to believe I had a good marriage when I didn’t.

I feel exactly the same way.

 

[Litcrit]

For the “tell your spouse” side of the house… after Confession, do you tell your spouse every sin you confessed?

Some, yes… especially if I feel he has the right to know who his wife has been lately…

If I were to sin against him in any way, I’d probably tell him first and apologize even before confessing to God, as I’d probably have a chance of seeing him before I had the chance of getting to a church.

I never said one is required to confess infidelity to a spouse in order to be forgiven by God. As in examples mentioned of sinning against employers etc., it might not be prudent to always confess your sins to the person they are committed against, and it is not required. I do believe it’s the noble thing to do, but that’s a different matter.

But your spouse is one body with you, not a casual acquaintance or a stranger. It is only sane that you would own up to any sin you committed against your spouse and apologize, even if it would mean your spouse would get angry, because even little rifts need repairing. Adultery is a serious sin against your spouse and your marriage, causing a huge rift between you. The only way for it to truly heal is to be open about it.

 

[Pro-Life_Teen]

For the “tell your spouse” side of the house… after Confession, do you tell your spouse every sin you confessed?

I was going to go to Confession a few weeks ago. I mentioned it to my boyfriend-- what had happened was upsetting me. He asked about it and lightly pestered until I said. It made me feel loads better, he offered some advice and it was easier for me to tell a priest soon after. I do tell him most everything, I trust him. It’s a wonderful feeling to be able to trust another in such a way that no matter what is said they shan’t turn away.

That was very condenscending KC.

I have been cheated on and lied to. Does that give me the one up on you so I can tell you that you know not of which you speak?

Thank you for the help. It did seem a little out of place- I am sorry about what happened to you. And in a way, yes, I suppose you can say that they do not know of what they speak.

If I didn’t have Teen in my name, I know many people here wouldn’t realize I was a kid. No, I’m not married, but I know love and trust. I know I will always forgive as Jesus commanded, always give another chance. To wrap one’s mind around the concept of forgiveness isn’t hard. If my love strayed and asked my forgiveness, I would give it.

That’s what a spouse is for- helping their other half get to Heaven. And it seems to me, turning them away when they have fallen is wrong. They are in this hypothetical asking for forgiveness, not rubbing it in your face. They are apologetic, perhaps pleading. Making them keep this secret is wrong.

One flesh and soul until death do us part. Through good times and bad, in sickness and in health.

That they have fallen so low and without obligation asked forgiveness is of you is noble. They could easily keep it secret and hope you don’t find out- as many are advocating. It’s a lie. I want my husband to be able to tell me if he strayed and know I’ll help. If we spend our whole lives shielded away from the horrors of life, how are we going to deal with it if we find out? What if there is an STD that the test missed, or the child you thought was your spouses has a hair colour no one in your family has?

Either the two can work together as husband and wife, because they are one flesh, or half of the marital body can be ill. And all the while the other does nothing to help because it doesn’t know.

Your spouse does not become less your other half if they stray. The body of the husband belongs to the wife, and the body of the wife belongs to the husband.

Yes, I am a teenager. But I know what love is, I know what trust is. I know what forgiveness is, and I know what Our Lord taught.

 

[iluvmybabies]

I will tell you ladies this - if you cheated on me, ended the affair, and never told me, and I found out one day, I would divorce you.

If you came to me at the time and asked for forgiveness, I would give it to you.

The difference is, it is my decision whether to stay with you after you cheat. If you do not give me the courtesy of making that decision and remaining with you voluntarily, then every day you are living a lie. Every day that you kiss me and tell me you love me you are lying to me, because you are not faithful to me. If you do not allow me to stay with you by my own decision, knowing all of the facts, then when I find out, you will be out.

I’m sorry, I’m usually much nicer and conciliatory, but I just can’t imagine living with someone who lied to me and led me to believe I had a good marriage when I didn’t.

I agree with you…I don’t know if I would be able to stay with my fiance, I mean I would not be able to trust him nor anything like that but I am sure if he was really sorry and really wanted to work things out with me and made up for it, then maybe I would stay with him, I would forgive him because I was raised that way, but it wouldn’t mean I would stay with him…But like I said I might or I might not…At least he would have done the right thing which was being honest and truthful!!! The consequences from such a thing are a different story!!

 

[iamrefreshed]

I was going to go to Confession a few weeks ago. I mentioned it to my boyfriend-- what had happened was upsetting me. He asked about it and lightly pestered until I said. It made me feel loads better, he offered some advice and it was easier for me to tell a priest soon after. I do tell him most everything, I trust him. It’s a wonderful feeling to be able to trust another in such a way that no matter what is said they shan’t turn away.

Thank you for the help. It did seem a little out of place- I am sorry about what happened to you. And in a way, yes, I suppose you can say that they do not know of what they speak.

If I didn’t have Teen in my name, I know many people here wouldn’t realize I was a kid. No, I’m not married, but I know love and trust. I know I will always forgive as Jesus commanded, always give another chance. To wrap one’s mind around the concept of forgiveness isn’t hard. If my love strayed and asked my forgiveness, I would give it.

That’s what a spouse is for- helping their other half get to Heaven. And it seems to me, turning them away when they have fallen is wrong. They are in this hypothetical asking for forgiveness, not rubbing it in your face. They are apologetic, perhaps pleading. Making them keep this secret is wrong.

One flesh and soul until death do us part. Through good times and bad, in sickness and in health.

That they have fallen so low and without obligation asked forgiveness is of you is noble. They could easily keep it secret and hope you don’t find out- as many are advocating. It’s a lie. I want my husband to be able to tell me if he strayed and know I’ll help. If we spend our whole lives shielded away from the horrors of life, how are we going to deal with it if we find out? What if there is an STD that the test missed, or the child you thought was your spouses has a hair colour no one in your family has?

Either the two can work together as husband and wife, because they are one flesh, or half of the marital body can be ill. And all the while the other does nothing to help because it doesn’t know.

Your spouse does not become less your other half if they stray. The body of the husband belongs to the wife, and the body of the wife belongs to the husband.

Yes, I am a teenager. But I know what love is, I know what trust is. I know what forgiveness is, and I know what Our Lord taught.

Well young lady you are wise beyond your years!

 

[iluvmybabies]

Another thing…One of my bffs she was married, what seemed a happy marriage…Catholic wedding and all…very expensive wedding! Well her hubby being 8 years older wanted children almost right after they got married, she told me she has known about NFP all her life, good one she could have said something before, anyhow, so she had been practicing it for several years with her hubby, so on their 3rd year anniversary he asks her and tells her he wants a child, she of course being young and enjoying the great passion and relationship they have, tells him no…that she’s not ready yet…

Well that was the beginning of the end.

Every time he wanted to have sex with her she would refuse because usually it was during her fertile cycle…After all those years he knew when and what…But she would refuse. He started mistreating her and abusing her mentally, and emotionally! The people she would run to would me myself and her childhood bff as well…Because I was then married I couldn’t come to her as often as I’d like so the only one there was her childhood bff. He was her shoulder to cry on…Well after an entire year and a half of her hubby running out on her 24/7 when she wouldn’t have sex with him, one of those nights she called me around 1 am, telling me how he punched through her nice mirror, and I couldn’t believe it, he rushed to the hospital with really big wounds in his hands, he wouldn’t even let her take him…He called some girl he worked with to pick him up, and he left with her. So of course without consolation to give her I didn’t know what to do, she grabbed his stash of alcohol and started drinking her heart out, I couldn’t leave to see her and I spent hours talking with her and her bff seeing if there was any way to stop her…At around 3 am he shows up to see her…She tells him to have a drink with her, and I remind him he needs to hurry because his wife would be upset him going home and smelling like alcohol…He agrees with me and his wife ends up calling me and I explained what was going on. His wife a sweet and compasionate woman, agrees my bff needs her bff…So she goes back to bed and tells me to tell her hubby she loves him…Then my bff crying and drunk tells him “why didn’t I accept your date proposal instead of dating this AHOLE!” I was like WOAH WHAT? So he ends up explaining that like 10 years before he loved her and wanted to date her but saw that being bff it was too weird so he only asked her once and then they spoke about it and decided they were too much like siblings to really see each other like that…

I was like OK!! PHEW!! SO they continue drinking and talking with me on speaker phone I start dozing off, etc, party starts in her house, just about…loud music and she is screaming forget him blah blah blah! SO I was like dude you need to go home…He was dead drunk by then too! I made them turn down the music and we called her hubby, he was in the hospital still and he didn’t want to talk to anyone, to leave him alone. So I asked if he was coming home to his wife, he said his friend was dropping him off at one of his guy friend’s house as soon as he was out and that he would see his wife the next day after work! Of course her hearing this goes all psycho and falls to the floor screaming bloody murder and broken heart…So it was a good thing her bff was there to take care of her…He ended up calling his wife, around 5 am and telling her he was going to pass out in the car bcuz he was too drunk, she said fine, he told her he would see her after work…she agreed! Well little did we know that after I hung up with them at 5 am, and he with his wife, things heated up between them…really bad! They ended up having sex and to tell you the truth I don’t even know how in the world they were so intoxicated I couldn’t even understand what they were saying!!?

I found out this because his wife called at 10 am asking if I knew what had happened cuz he wasn’t at work!! I called his cell phone and my bff’s phone and there was no answer…I called that day off and ran to see her in her place, I had a spare key which I never had used but I was not about to let his wife come in and be traumatized banging down her door…So I walk in, no one in the living room except a huge mess, then as I continue in the kitchen there were pieces of clothes, leading to the bathroom and from then nothing else, so I open the door and scream at them, butt naked asleep in her hubby’s and her bed!!! I couldn’t believe it! AND being her fertile time, and NFP practicer, had sex with her bff without protection at all!!!

I dropped to the floor in sadness and disappointment…They had been bff since they were 5 years old I met her when we were in 5th grade and him in 7th grade…I couldn’t believe they did that!

He confessed to his wife and she left him, she left with her 3 children…He swore he loved my bff and couldn’t live without her any longer so he didn’t know what else to do, he told his wife he wanted her…My bff divorced her husband, she went looking for him that morning to confess what she did and caught him in the bed of his bff…He told her that she turned him bi…

She ended up pg from her bff and they now have 3 girls, but guess what, he abuses her physically, and emotionally, he has even abused her little sister physically…

Was it worth it, to her it is because that’s her love and to him it is even though he lost a good wife to get with a woman he doesn’t even trust because hello their relationship started with an affair!! An accidental affair but it happened…

Would her husband have forgiven her, maybe…as long as she would have lied about the child being born and stated it was his…But things turned out differently and now my bff won’t speak to me unless it’s Christmas or some blessed occassion…

Last time I saw her she looked destroyed…but it was the life she chose…

 

[jmcrae]

It is manipulation. The cheater is witholding information from their spouse that is necessary to decide if they desire to remain married.

The decision to remain married was made at the Altar, on the wedding day. “Til death us do part.” There is no “unless” clause in the marriage vows.

Not to mention living a lie within one of Gods Sacraments.

That’s what the Confessional is for; that’s what repentance is for. That’s where you get your clean slate from, to start over again and become the spouse you had intended to be, from the beginning. Once it’s confessed in the Confessional, it’s gone. There is no need to burden your spouse with it, unless they have a need to know - STD, out of wedlock child, blackmail, etc. - but apart from those sorts of things - what for? So you can hurt their feelings? So you can try to get to the root of what they did wrong that made you cheat?

 

[gmarie21]

iluvmybabies, I’m sorry to hear about your friend. However, she entered the marriage NOT being honest about her desire to delay children. If she wasn’t ready, imho, she shouldn’t have married him. Unfortunately she’s in a mess, and obviously needs to reexamine her ability to discern those she allows in her life, but she could have spared some of the hurt to herself and her ex-husband if she had just been HONEST before the marriage about not wanting children in the immediate and long term.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

The decision to remain married was made at the Altar, on the wedding day. “Til death us do part.” There is no “unless” clause in the marriage vows.

That’s what the Confessional is for; that’s what repentance is for. That’s where you get your clean slate from, to start over again and become the spouse you had intended to be, from the beginning. Once it’s confessed in the Confessional, it’s gone. There is no need to burden your spouse with it, unless they have a need to know - STD, out of wedlock child, blackmail, etc. - but apart from those sorts of things - what for? So you can hurt their feelings? So you can try to get to the root of what they did wrong that made you cheat?

**Obviously this makes sense to some, but not all… I agree with you 100%.

I think the problem is more when spouses have opposing views. It really doesn’t matter one hoot to me what any of you do in your marriages. But if I have an “honesty is best” policy and hubby carries around a “I’ll protect her from hurt as much as possible” mentality then if either of us ever strayed the other would be hurt by our different way of handling it.

I guess the big lesson here (other than Don’t ever cheat) is to make sure you know what you believe and what your spouse (or future spouse) believes. And if they oppose, how does it get handled? If I would want to know but hubby wouldn’t, do we do what we want, or what they want?**