I am Catholic and my girlfriend is Protestant

[TC3033]

Why don’t you first start going to RCIA classes together?

OP, I would also not be upset if she doesn’t. You have to remember that she’s going to have to go through Pre Cana with you too.

Same thing with her parents. You can invite them, but don’t be disappointed if they say no. Me personally, I wouldn’t.

 

[Hume]

To be pithy, someone is going to lose.

And if you think the conflict is bad now, wait until you have kids.

Now, if faith isn’t all that important to one or both of you, this isn’t a major problem. However, that does not appear to be the case.

So give her a kiss on the cheek, thank her for the memories and apologize for wasting her time.

Then move on.

 

[TC3033]

And if you think the conflict is bad now, wait until you have kids.

Can you extrapoloate, keeping in mind I’ve been in a “mixed” marriage now for over 16 years and we have 3 kids.

 

[Hume]

Sure. In human nature exceptions abound to every behavioral rule.

You are that exception and I genuinely congratulate you for it.

For most, one partner surrenders their faith or the marriage fails. This is our observable reality on major faith differences in a marriage.

 

[TC3033]

Well, I guess for it to be a rule…there shouldn’t be an exceptions, and I guess that’s my point. So many talk one here of absolutes when I really question the statistics. I, for myself, have not witnessed many (if any) of these issues in my marriage or with other “mixed” marriage friends.

Like I’ve said once, and I’ll keep saying it…I’m glad my wife never came here for relationship advice…

 

[Lara]

As a 52 year old woman, I can tell you no woman is chill about anything. She wants to keep you around and not face these differences right now, so she’s saying “all of this is not a big deal.” Later, she’ll dig in her heels.

There is no reason for confusion. Almost every reply in 108 suggests it’s very difficult to overcome this difference in religion.

 

[TC3033]

Almost

Yep, almost…

I wonder how many have actually been in one of these “mixed” marriages we speak of.

 

[TheLittleLady]

I have seen mixed marriages, similar to what you describe, survive for years. They are where both are willing to compromise on some aspects. You have mentioned before that you help your kids with their rel ed homework. Some non-catholic spouses would refuse to do that. Not everyone is as accepting of the other’s beliefs as you and your wife seem to be.

One that comes to mind is a Catholic Deacon married to a Protestant Minister. She leads her services, he goes to Mass. The only thing that they are both sad about is that their now adult children have rejected both religions.

 

[vz71]

I wonder how many have actually been in one of these “mixed” marriages we speak of.

I don’t.
It seems apparent to me which has practical experience and which is just repeating what they think will be an issue.

In either case, it is a valued opinion.

 

[Michael16]

@amap27,

I think the deck is stacked against you. When you mentioned she’s going to be a youth preacher and the statement “ as long as certain things are understood “ I’m thinking this doesn’t look good for you.

If she was the kind of girl that sits in the pews and does the Sunday services and that’s it; that would be one thing. But you’re talking about a girl who’s a preacher’s daughter, who had religion at home and on Sundays; who wants to be a preacher herself.

That means she’s all fired up for her father’s tradition and is actively propagating that tradition and wants to form young minds in that tradition at church.

If this woman wants to form other women’s kids; it’s a foregone conclusion she’ll do that for her kids. You’ll be facing the Reformation in that home every time you two want to teach religion to the kids, man.

The other thing that sounds ominous to me is the “ as long as certain things are understood. “

If I were in your shoes, I’d have a strong talk with her about what exactly she means by that. Then, I’d deeply contemplate whether or not her “ certain things “ are something I could live with and still have a strong and honest Faith.

I agree with the other posters on this point: In mixed marriages, one has to back down on their faith and let the other dominate. I don’t see a preacher/preacher’s daughter doing that.

Otherwise, I just see the kids getting confused. Our Faith and the Protestant faiths are in many ways diametrically opposed.

She wants to be, and her father is; Protestant clergy. They likely have a strong faith and extensive knowledge of Scripture and what their tradition teaches what Scripture says and how to preach it and defend it.

That’s who you’ll be up against for the souls of your kids.

I don’t know how strong your Faith is, how knowledgeable about your Faith you are and how well formed you are, my friend.

Think hard and pray.

 

[TC3033]

You have mentioned before that you help your kids with their rel ed homework.

No, actually I don’t. When my wife’s parish went from classes to a family of faith which requires the parent go to the classes…any I quote from my wife… “I already did my time going to class, will you go to the meetings for us?”. Me: Sure, cuz I’m a good spouse and Dad. She did the lessons.

Not everyone is as accepting of the other’s beliefs as you and your wife seem to be.

No, that’s why I say mutual respect is the key to a marriage like ours working.

It seems apparent to me which has practical experience and which is just repeating what they think will be an issue.

Yep

In mixed marriages, one has to back down on their faith and let the other dominate.

Disagree, but I"m in one…so what do I know… I’ve actually gotten stronger in mine.

That’s who you’ll be up against for the souls of your kids.

So, you believe the souls of non-Catholics are lost?

Maybe the 3 or 30th time I’ve said this today…I’m glad my wife didn’t come here for relationship advice.

 

[vz71]

So, you believe the souls of non-Catholics are lost?

I would not.
But…
Just how much knowledge of God’s Church would kids in a mixed marriage have and would it be sufficient to be held responsible for leaving it, should they choose to go elsewhere.

I suppose this could be an issue in any marriage, but it is especially big when there is a second church close at hand.

 

[Michael16]

No, I don’t believe the souls of non Catholic kids are lost. They simply have the best chance in the Church.

 

[TC3033]

I would not.

No, I don’t believe the souls of non Catholic kids are lost.

OK, that sounds opposite of what was written, thank-you for clarification.

 

[Michael16]

You didn’t quote the rest of the sentence, @TC3033.

The kids have their best chance in the Church. @amap27’s responsibility as a Catholic father is to help his kids get to heaven. He can’t do that very well if he’s married to a Protestant preacher that’ll fight him every step of the way.

If that happens; his kids will likely not have any faith at all because of Mom and Dad fighting about it over them.

 

[TC3033]

You didn’t quote the rest of the sentence,

Wouldn’t have changed my reply.

He can’t do that very well if he’s married to a Protestant preacher that’ll fight him every step of the way.

Again, how do you know this will happen? It’s the constant “doom and gloom, at war, at battle, etc…” picture that is painted here (and the video by Fr. Mike that had my wife’s eyes rolling). I had no idea I have a marriage that should have failed 10 years ago until I came here…

I will go back through the thread again as apparently I missed a post. I didn’t see where she wanted to be a preacher, but rather a “part time youth preacher” which is a lot different.

@amap27 Like I’ve said, I’m glad my wife never came here looking for relationship advice 20 years ago. We would have missed out on a lot of great times and 3 awesome kids.

 

[Lara]

Okay. We get it. You said it enough times.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

Again, how do you know this will happen?

If I’m not mistaken, I think Michael16 came from a mixed situation that was not happy, and, while his spouse has passed on, he is still dealing with her non-Catholic family when it comes to the kids.

Take it from one who had a happy mixed marriage: there are bad ones out there. Of course, there are also bad marriages out there where both spouses are Catholic.

I think you are correct though that most people who post here have not been in a happy mixed marriage and cannot imagine one existing where the couple aren’t bickering over religion all the time or trying to convert each other. It’s as someone already said here: the Church still frowns on mixed marriages, they’re just quieter about it nowadays because they don’t want the Catholic spouse to stomp off and join the other church.

And in this particular case, there are a lot of reasons why I don’t think the OP’s particular pairing sounds so great.

 

[TC3033]

Okay. We get it. You said it enough times.

LOL, if everyone else can repeat their points…why can’t I?

Take it from one who had a happy mixed marriage: there are bad ones out there. Of course, there are also bad marriages out there where both spouses are Catholic.

Agreed, sure there are.

I think you are correct though that most people who post here have not been in a happy mixed marriage and cannot imagine one existing where the couple aren’t bickering over religion all the time or trying to convert each other.

I would also say that there are some that have never been in a mixed marriage and make a huge assumption that these problems will automatically arise. Kinda like Fr. Mike’s video on mixed marriages. A lot of n=1 and wide brush strokes of assumptions and stereotyping that had my wife rolling her eyes. Especially when he said two couples just came up to him and told them they’d do it over if they had the chance. Who does that???, especially unprovoked.

And in this particular case, there are a lot of reasons why I don’t think the OP’s particular pairing sounds so great.

Possibly, but I also don’t see it as the “doom and gloom” others have either.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

Kinda like Fr. Mike’s video on mixed marriages

Father Mike’s videos are pitched at a young audience with a short attention span. He’s basically trying to give them a set of super quick guidelines that will help them to avoid risks.

In my job, I spot risks all day and advise people about them. A mixed marriage presents an increased risk with respect to religious conflict and/or loss of one’s own religion. You can spare yourself the increased risk by dating within your Catholic faith. Father Mike tries to teach young people to avoid risks. It’s the kind of teaching they used to get from their parents at home back in the olden days but probably don’t now.

Is some of the stuff he says oversimplified? Yes, because he has to fit it within a few minutes in order to reach his audience. But if you’re old enough to be pondering the oversimplification inherent in a Fr. Mike talk, then you’re not his target audience.