I cheated on my husband

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LaSainte said:
Actually I don’t. Not in my own marriage. I just look at my kids and I can’t imagine anyone (let alone my own husband) doing anything to hurt them, let alone the ONE THING that could hurt them more than anything in the world, to put their family in jeopardy because of selfishness.

And don’t make it out like I am the one doing anything to my children by demanding truthfulness in my marriage. The CHEATER in this scenario has done ALL of the damage, the spouse and children being the victims of a person’s unbelievable selfishness. Anything that happens as a result is from the actions of marital infidelity, not of the person who wants to live in a truthful marriage. This is victim shaming at its worst.
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How did you get that from my post? :confused: What I have said is that the marriage may well be destroyed. It doesn’t matter from what side it comes. Children who come from broken homes are wounded in ways that distort their own relationships and marriages, and sometimes they don’t even realize the impact of divorce unless they get therapy. And that is how the brokenness continues on through generations.

You would be within your rights to demand the truth and let the chips fall where they might. That would be your choice, and I understand that for you, the idea of betrayal by not disclosing an affair is beyond the pale.

FYI, I would not advise keeping a continuing affair to oneself. Having a mistress is another situation entirely. However, in some cultures, it is common for a man to have a wife and a mistress and many times, both are aware. I don’t know how women deal with that - it would mean the end of the marriage if I found that my husband had kept a mistress.
 
thewanderer said:
It really sounds like you are on the right track. And, from what you have said, I admit that your case just might be one where it is better not to tell him (and thats coming from me 😉 ) But do continue to both think and pray about it, to make sure that you are following what he would wish as well as you can. You’ll be in my prayers. :hug1:

TRJ, I really hope you meant that reply simply for the OP’s specific situation rather than as a universal rule after you have heard the opinions of all of those on this thread who insist that they would want to be told. There are absolutely so many circumstances where the only moral action is to tell your spouse about your affair. I hope you can recognize this.
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I hope you know that I would not advocate FORCING anyone to do what I think is right/not right. And it is a narrow window of circumstances where not disclosing is the better choice. If there is disease, a pregnancy, a long-term affair, a child by the other woman, others know, then the best course is unfortunately to tell the husband/wife and deal with what happens next. But with full awareness that lives will be destroyed, not due to the unsuspecting spouse, but from the fallout of sins.
 
TheRealJuliane said:
I hope you know that I would not advocate FORCING anyone to do what I think is right/not right. And it is a narrow window of circumstances where not disclosing is the better choice. If there is disease, a pregnancy, a long-term affair, a child by the other woman, others know, then the best course is unfortunately to tell the husband/wife and deal with what happens next. But with full awareness that lives will be destroyed, not due to the unsuspecting spouse, but from the fallout of sins.
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Don’t worry, I’m not at all saying you are trying to force anyone. 🙂 I guess I had just hoped that you would be able to respect my (and others) preference to actually be told the truth and recognize that if the innocent spouse wants to know the truth it should not be hidden from them. But i probably shouldn’t have said anything as it was hardly a comment that was helpful to the OP.
 
silentfactor80 said:
If it was my wife I would absolutely want to know if I contributed. Of coarse I would work on good communication skills from the start so it never got to that point but yes some people can drive others away.

Saw this article and thought I would share:
huffingtonpost.com/2013/04/01/cheating-wife-_n_2993519.html
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If you had cheated on her (IOW, was not “innocent” in terms of canon law) or had abused her, I’d say it OK to imply that you “contributed”. Otherwise, I think problems in the marriage or areas that could stand improvement can be addressed without using them to blame anyone for what anyone else did. Whenever possible, it is better **not **to try to pass the buck, or even any of the change.
 
90Domer said:
Wow, that article did catch me by surprise. And I have to admit that the HuffPo’s comments are always doozies!
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Like this one:

*I still love you… As you try learning how to fly out the third floor window *

:eek: :rotfl:
 
90Domer said:
Wow, that article did catch me by surprise. And I have to admit that the HuffPo’s comments are always doozies!
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Did the researcher find his respondents by polling people who went to a web site named “Survive Her Affair”? If so, I think the respondents might not be indicative of the general public. Even if he found a way to poll men whose wives had affairs by some other means, the men whose wives had hidden their affairs would not be polled.
 
EasterJoy said:
If you had cheated on her (IOW, was not “innocent” in terms of canon law) or had abused her, I’d say it OK to imply that you “contributed”. Otherwise, I think problems in the marriage or areas that could stand improvement can be addressed without using them to blame anyone for what anyone else did. Whenever possible, it is better **not **to try to pass the buck, or even any of the change.
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Agree mostly but here is the thing. Let’s say the wife cheats b/c the husband is a workaholic and never takes time out for her. It is NOT his fault she cheated but he wasn’t doing everything in his power to take care of her needs and keep her safe. People come first before jobs. Some may disagree with that but that is b/c we live in a materialistic world. Likewise if a husband cheats because the wife is cruel to him or manipulates him with sex its NOT her fault but she made it easier for him to stray. It is called the power of influence. The devil influences us to sin but he does not sin on our behalf. We do that on our own.
 
EasterJoy said:
Did the researcher find his respondents by polling people who went to a web site named “Survive Her Affair”? If so, I think the respondents might not be indicative of the general public. Even if he found a way to poll men whose wives had affairs by some other means, the men whose wives had hidden their affairs would not be polled.
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I think you have been talking to my statistician husband, who never fails to give me a lesson on sampling techniques.
 
Thank you. You are right, I should not lean one way or the other. I am trying to be open to both options; a few days ago, I was not.
silentfactor80 said:
I think you should not lean one way or the other and let the Holy Spirit influence which way you go. I read your earlier post about how the affair happened and unless you work on those issues the temptation can come back. You shouldn’t have to be unhappy in your marriage because that crack is how negative things influence you.

Personally if it was me I would want to know if my wife did something like this. Sure I would be enraged and disappointed but at the end of the day I’d feel more sorry for her that someone used her un-lovingly when I would have given her everything if she asked. That is what would hurt me more. A man’s wife is his queen, his closest confidant, and his lover. If she’s hurting inside then he will too whether he knows why or not. Something led to the affair and from your posts it is not clear that something has been dealt with. That something may very well be part of your husbands issues too.
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Yes, if he were to ask me I would definitely tell the truth…all of it.
EasterJoy said:
Get counseling from a priest, but based on what your are saying, I’d agree that you not tell him, but if he asks you, you admit what you did and why you chose not to tell him unless he asked…that is, because you felt so sure that he would rather you repent and come back to him wholeheartedly, but without telling him what you did. You are both vulnerable until you get the problem addressed that lead to your vulnerability to falling. (Who knows, if you have grown apart, he might have fallen himself at some point, too, and might be carrying his own burden of guilt.)
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silentfactor80 said:
Agree mostly but here is the thing. Let’s say the wife cheats b/c the husband is a workaholic and never takes time out for her. It is NOT his fault she cheated but he wasn’t doing everything in his power to take care of her needs and keep her safe. People come first before jobs. Some may disagree with that but that is b/c we live in a materialistic world. Likewise if a husband cheats because the wife is cruel to him or manipulates him with sex its NOT her fault but she made it easier for him to stray. It is called the power of influence. The devil influences us to sin but he does not sin on our behalf. We do that on our own.
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I think it is better to take responsibility for falling, but not to let that imply either that the spouse did anything to cause is or that there is no room for improvement on the spouse’s side because “at least he/she didn’t commit adultery.” If your spouse commits adultery of which you are innocent (because you neither encouraged the illicit relationship nor committed adultery or openly coveted someone else yourself), that does not mean you are innocent of any of the other misdeeds a spouse can commit or that you cannot be failing in any way.
 
onellama said:
Yes, if he were to ask me I would definitely tell the truth…all of it.
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That’s good. If he gives you reason to believe you misread what he wants or that he’s changed his mind, then it is a good thing to tell him what he has a right to know.
 
90Domer said:
My husband and I have talked about this with engaged couples in marriage prep, and I wanted to pose this question to you. Say your husband did cheat on you. Would you be able to look even a tiny bit inward to see if you contributed to the infidelity? I am not saying that you would have done so knowingly, but could you even consider that you may have been part of the problem?
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After I shot him, maybe 🙂 Just kidding. That would take a while. There is never an excuse for infidelity. The vows that we take at the altar aren’t conditional. Maybe after some counseling I could come to terms with that, but I think blaming the victim is pretty low. I hate those movies where a woman is unappreciated by her husband, so she goes and finds a lover and the whole audience is like “You go, girl!” NO.
 
TheRealJuliane said:
How did you get that from my post? :confused: What I have said is that the marriage may well be destroyed. It doesn’t matter from what side it comes. Children who come from broken homes are wounded in ways that distort their own relationships and marriages, and sometimes they don’t even realize the impact of divorce unless they get therapy. And that is how the brokenness continues on through generations.

You would be within your rights to demand the truth and let the chips fall where they might. That would be your choice, and I understand that for you, the idea of betrayal by not disclosing an affair is beyond the pale.

FYI, I would not advise keeping a continuing affair to oneself. Having a mistress is another situation entirely. However, in some cultures, it is common for a man to have a wife and a mistress and many times, both are aware. I don’t know how women deal with that - it would mean the end of the marriage if I found that my husband had kept a mistress.
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Sorry, maybe I misread your intentions there. I thought you were blaming the wife for what happens to the family if she insists on being told the truth.

Also, something people have not considered is that it takes 3 MONTHS to get a 97% accurate HIV test, and 6 months to get near 100% accuracy. So what is the spouse who had the affair supposed to do for these 6 months? Sleep with the spouse and hope nobody gets AIDS for the sake of sparing his/her “feelings”? Make up some other lies about why they can’t have sex for 6 months, ADDING to the deception and betrayal?

This whole thing stinks. Honesty is the only way to go, for the marriage, for the marital bond, for the health of the people involved.
 
LaSainte said:
I would hope that with the help of the spirit of Jesus and possibly a LOT of marital counseling, the Catholic spouse would find it in his heart to forgive her 🙂

Another thing people are missing here is that in order for a person to stray, something is SERIOUSLY wrong in the marriage, something that probably requires counseling with both parties involved. How can this be done if one party cheats and just covers it up? This is terrible advice.
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I wholeheartedly agree that there is always something seriously wrong in any marriage afflicted by infidelity - that seriously wrong thing is the unequivocal sin on the part of the offending spouse that can never be justified or explained away by any action whatsoever by the innocent spouse. Perhaps it’s not the way you meant it, but the statement above, and/or its many variations prescribing counseling, seem to suggest that there is something the innocent spouse may have done to invite the adultery.
 
hurting said:
I wholeheartedly agree that there is always something seriously wrong in any marriage afflicted by infidelity - that seriously wrong thing is the unequivocal sin on the part of the offending spouse that can never be justified or explained away by any action whatsoever by the innocent spouse. Perhaps it’s not the way you meant it, but the statement above, and/or its many variations prescribing counseling, seem to suggest that there is something the innocent spouse may have done to invite the adultery.
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I absolutely did not mean to imply that at all. I simply meant that one person cannot work to repair the marriage bond on their own. It takes two people, fully committed to rooting out and fixing any problems in a marriage, to fix one that is broken to this extent. One person attending clandestine therapy sessions while lying to their spouse about where they are and where all that money is going is only going to make things worse when the spouse eventually gets suspicious and figures out what’s going on.

Covering up an affair requires years of continuous lying-destroying emails and phone records, destroying credit card receipts, lying about where you were on such-and-such a day when you were sleeping with another person/getting tested for STDs/seeing your priest/in therapy, lying about why you can’t sleep with your spouse for 6 months while waiting for your AIDS test to come back, lying about the money you are spending on therapy to figure out why you cheated in the first place, etc.

Each of these lies drives a wedge between you and your spouse, and will of course eventually make your spouse suspicious enough to check up on you, at which point they will find out about the whole nest of lies you have been telling to “spare their feelings”-more like to trap them in a relationship you didn’t give a **** about while you were sleeping with somebody else.

I cannot believe people are advocating this.
 
LaSainte said:
After I shot him, maybe 🙂 Just kidding. That would take a while. There is never an excuse for infidelity. The vows that we take at the altar aren’t conditional. Maybe after some counseling I could come to terms with that, but I think blaming the victim is pretty low.** I hate those movies where a woman is unappreciated by her husband, so she goes and finds a lover and the whole audience is like “You go, girl!” NO.**
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That is the result of feminism. Feminists chant ad nauseum how women have a right to a sexually fulfilling life apart from the “oppression the conservative white religious male places on her.” You know b/c guys have nothing better to do that sit around thinking of ways to suppress female sexuality…paranoia anyone?
 
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