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KostyaJMJ
Guest
You’re a lot different than I am. I’ve never learned the terrible truth about anyone and felt better off afterwards.
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LaSainte
Guest
Of course it would be awful, but at least I could move on with my life. Face it, someone who cheats on their family like that loves themselves more than they love anyone in the world. I would never want to waste my life with someone who loves themselves more than he loves my kids and the life we have built together. Better to know what a selfish person he is so I can stop wasting my time.
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RACJ
Guest
Say nothing, and get yourself right with God. Do special things for him, like wear your hair or dress as he likes. He'll like your attempts to please him, and he may not suspect why the new you. Say something about the fling, and it may ruin everything forever. God may always forgive a penitent heart, but flesh and blood humans often do not. God bless. :( Rob
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SuperLuigi
Guest
I think you need to discuss this with a priest.
Know that God forgives the repentant unless they blaspheme the Holy Spirit and refuse mercy.
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minkymurph
Guest
One thing I would say: why do you want to tell your husband? Only you can answer that.
The reason I ask is because you will still suffer with guilt even if you do tell him. If that is the only reason you want to tell him, because you will continue to feel guilt and suffer if you don’t, it’s a bad reason.
I can fully understand you want to offload this onto someone else. That is perfectly natural. I don’t know your husband is the best person. If what you are going to tell someone will devastate them, you need to think long and hard about telling them. What do you hope to achieve by telling him?
There is no doubt it will have a negative impact on your relationship, and possibly the lives of your children depending on how well the two of you can shield them. If you tell him you have to be prepared for the fall out. I wouldn’t say you shouldn’t tell him. In fact, at some point you probably will. What am saying is do you have to tell him now, if so, why? Is now the best time?
People who are content don’t cheat. Another poster said if people cheat it is an indication there is something wrong. Unless the person cheating is a serial love-rat which does not seem to be the case here. I would suggest working on what caused you to cheat first, and building stronger bonds in your relationship. When you do this, your relationship may be better prepared for a confession and has a better chance of surviving it if that is what you want, which it would appear you do.
Cheating hurts and you can expect a rocky road once you tell. It will take time to built trust and intimacy again. However, it may be the case, and I don’t know, that is already lost. Marriages that survive infidelity often emerge from it as a stronger marriage if the couple chooses to stay together. Good Luck.
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Eponine1
Guest
Tell your husband.
Marriage must be based on complete and total honesty. If you don’t disclose, there will always be this secret between you!
Yes, it will be hard.
Yes, it will hurt.
Choose time and place and disclose everything.
There are many resources online that can help:
Surviving Infidelity
Marriage Builders
Marriage Advocates
DearPeggy.com
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migueltojose
Guest
Stifle it. Grow up. It’s all about you not being all about you.
“Silence is golden but words can heard like lead…
in the alchemy of love,
some things are better left unsaid.”
“Silence is golden but words can heard like lead…
in the alchemy of love,
some things are better left unsaid.”
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HolyRosaryChild
Guest
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It is technically not a lie by not telling him anything; however if he ever asked; you would need to be honest with him.
It is technically not a lie by not telling him anything; however if he ever asked; you would need to be honest with him.
- Go to confession as Ike has advised as quickly as possible
- Visit a Psychologist/Counsellor to start working on the reasons as to why you felt this way (despite whether you already consciously know the reasons) as they come from deep seated issues either from your childhood or feeling low in self esteem (we all suffer from this one way or another at any time during our lives)!
- I pray The Holy Rosary and am strongly suggesting for your Marriage to pray The Holy Rosary twice a day too, in order to fully open up your Heart to Jesus and Our Lady Mary Mother of Jesus for Jesus and Mother Mary to flow His Divine Love, Mercy Wisdom and Healing through your Soul (He truly Heals your Heart on all matters quickly through The Holy Rosaries) and gives you strategies to strengthen your Marriage. The Holy Rosary Card with Our Lady Mary on the front should be in your Catholic Parish or Catholic Bookshop or Christian Bookshop; I use these to focus initially on Jesus Stations of His Cross while praying feeling what He endured to open up your Heart more to Him (now I picture Jesus Stations of His Cross in my own mind while praying) doing tasks and offering up all tasks/Crosses to Him.
- Change your relationship ‘routines’ within the Home ie undertake more outside activities together. For instance, join one or two groups together and you join a women’s group of some type learning new skills (more on the hobby side that you have not done before and expressed a prior interest to learn). The more interests you have keeping busy and meeting new people; the less time you will find to sit on a computer or meet a man in which you may be seeking deep down to be the ‘father’ or ‘brother’ you may not have had in your eyes. Or a Charity group if you do not already belong to one!
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HolyRosaryChild
Guest
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5. I would pick up a Green and Brown Scapula and keep them close along with Jesus Crucifixes and Holy Images throughout your home and in your vehicle as a reminder to you that Jesus is watching every thing we do daily along with Our Lady Mary Mother of Jesus and there arrives the time (whether it be before we die to open up our Hearts and Souls asking and pleading for forgiveness (truly remorseful) or after we die making it more difficult asking for forgiveness and moving out of Purgatory; if we do not enter into Heaven.
The Holy Rosaries - I pray two different versions; for Mortal sins: The Jesus Rosary with 25Our Father’s and for all other Causes: The Sorrowful Mysteries, Joyful Mysteries and other Mysteries.
Praise and Thanks be to Thee Dear God our Heavenly Father now and for Eternity Amen.
Love and best wishes to you
5. I would pick up a Green and Brown Scapula and keep them close along with Jesus Crucifixes and Holy Images throughout your home and in your vehicle as a reminder to you that Jesus is watching every thing we do daily along with Our Lady Mary Mother of Jesus and there arrives the time (whether it be before we die to open up our Hearts and Souls asking and pleading for forgiveness (truly remorseful) or after we die making it more difficult asking for forgiveness and moving out of Purgatory; if we do not enter into Heaven.
The Holy Rosaries - I pray two different versions; for Mortal sins: The Jesus Rosary with 25Our Father’s and for all other Causes: The Sorrowful Mysteries, Joyful Mysteries and other Mysteries.
Praise and Thanks be to Thee Dear God our Heavenly Father now and for Eternity Amen.
Love and best wishes to you
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HolyRosaryChild
Guest
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You will feel a great deal better coming closer to Jesus and Our Lady Mary to rid yourself of the guilt by asking for Jesus forgiveness and doing Penance via praying The Holy Rosaries first; trust me on this!
For any one who chooses to judge on adultery/infidelity:
“Thou shalt not judge” Jesus says.
“those with a viper tongue, I truly tell you, it is better for you to cut out your tongue than live” says Jesus; I have been reading more of the old Testament recently.
Jesus is the Judge for all Sins (both Mortal and other Sins); not us!
I ‘suspected’ my Children’s Father may have had a fling halfway through the Marriage when I was away with the Children visiting relatives for a weekend. Did I confront him about what I ‘suspected’ during those years? No! I put the feelings and ‘suspicions’ aside, moving on, still loving him and supporting him as I always had despite negatives. Am I saint? No! I have committed sins within the Marriage just as he had over a 20 year union.
No-one is to judge other Marriages (and I have learned this through God and Mother Mary about my Relatives with their Marriages, Friends with their Marriages, Separations and Divorces).
“No-one knows what goes on behind closed doors” (within Marriages and Homes) other than God who is 'Judge and Jury" on all things!
You will feel a great deal better coming closer to Jesus and Our Lady Mary to rid yourself of the guilt by asking for Jesus forgiveness and doing Penance via praying The Holy Rosaries first; trust me on this!
For any one who chooses to judge on adultery/infidelity:
“Thou shalt not judge” Jesus says.
- for many different reasons; one in which is the following;
“those with a viper tongue, I truly tell you, it is better for you to cut out your tongue than live” says Jesus; I have been reading more of the old Testament recently.
Jesus is the Judge for all Sins (both Mortal and other Sins); not us!
I ‘suspected’ my Children’s Father may have had a fling halfway through the Marriage when I was away with the Children visiting relatives for a weekend. Did I confront him about what I ‘suspected’ during those years? No! I put the feelings and ‘suspicions’ aside, moving on, still loving him and supporting him as I always had despite negatives. Am I saint? No! I have committed sins within the Marriage just as he had over a 20 year union.
No-one is to judge other Marriages (and I have learned this through God and Mother Mary about my Relatives with their Marriages, Friends with their Marriages, Separations and Divorces).
“No-one knows what goes on behind closed doors” (within Marriages and Homes) other than God who is 'Judge and Jury" on all things!
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HolyRosaryChild
Guest
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I forgave my Children’s Father; he never admitted it. I got on with the marriage and put it aside supporting him all the way; his rollercoaster rides on his side of the Family. There are far greater mortal sins and sins committed to Jesus and one’s partner than being unfaithful on one occasion; all the Glory and Honour are Yours Dear Jesus Christ our Saviour and Dear Our Lady Mary Mother of Jesus now and for Eternity.
It is not condoned nor approved and is a mortal sin against God and one’s Spouse within Marriage.
Praying The Holy Rosary will assist you in being truly remorseful, focussing on everything that Jesus endured for all of us by deeply focussing and reflecting on each of His Stations of The Cross and realising the pain it has caused Jesus when we commit mortal sins and grave sins. This is the most important step ie being fully remorseful and contrite to Jesus before anything else. Your Husband comes second. We all get up there and every part of our Lives are flashed before us in which we feel the pain in whom we have hurt through Jesus. This is my belief and knowledge; something I am sharing with you in order to make it easier for yourself after here.
Therefore I would not be as concerned about your Husband as I would be about your relationship with Jesus at this point in time. Once you have Jesus’ absolution and pray for the right way to go with your Husband (believe me you will know Jesus’ absolution if you pray The Holy Rosaries three times a day, coming closer to Jesus and Mother Mary); you will be able to heal yourself and your Marriage.
For every sin committed in which we are truly contrite and ask for forgiveness; Jesus is able to forgive and He intercedes to assist if it be His Will in relation to the love/good of our Souls. All through Jesus’ choice of His Divine Love and Mercy.
Pray the Holy Rosaries to come closer with God (now) and not later!
I forgave my Children’s Father; he never admitted it. I got on with the marriage and put it aside supporting him all the way; his rollercoaster rides on his side of the Family. There are far greater mortal sins and sins committed to Jesus and one’s partner than being unfaithful on one occasion; all the Glory and Honour are Yours Dear Jesus Christ our Saviour and Dear Our Lady Mary Mother of Jesus now and for Eternity.
It is not condoned nor approved and is a mortal sin against God and one’s Spouse within Marriage.
Praying The Holy Rosary will assist you in being truly remorseful, focussing on everything that Jesus endured for all of us by deeply focussing and reflecting on each of His Stations of The Cross and realising the pain it has caused Jesus when we commit mortal sins and grave sins. This is the most important step ie being fully remorseful and contrite to Jesus before anything else. Your Husband comes second. We all get up there and every part of our Lives are flashed before us in which we feel the pain in whom we have hurt through Jesus. This is my belief and knowledge; something I am sharing with you in order to make it easier for yourself after here.
Therefore I would not be as concerned about your Husband as I would be about your relationship with Jesus at this point in time. Once you have Jesus’ absolution and pray for the right way to go with your Husband (believe me you will know Jesus’ absolution if you pray The Holy Rosaries three times a day, coming closer to Jesus and Mother Mary); you will be able to heal yourself and your Marriage.
For every sin committed in which we are truly contrite and ask for forgiveness; Jesus is able to forgive and He intercedes to assist if it be His Will in relation to the love/good of our Souls. All through Jesus’ choice of His Divine Love and Mercy.
Pray the Holy Rosaries to come closer with God (now) and not later!
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on_the_hill
Guest
If the OP is still around:
You really have to look at this from the perspective of your marriage and your husband.
If I were to cheat and subsequently tell my wife, there’s no doubt in my mind that she would file for divorce.
If you are certain your admitting it would end your marriage, you have to think about whether or not that’s a consequence you can live with.
If you are not certain it would end your marriage, you have to decide what you will to do save your marriage from this point onward.
You really have to look at this from the perspective of your marriage and your husband.
If I were to cheat and subsequently tell my wife, there’s no doubt in my mind that she would file for divorce.
If you are certain your admitting it would end your marriage, you have to think about whether or not that’s a consequence you can live with.
If you are not certain it would end your marriage, you have to decide what you will to do save your marriage from this point onward.
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thewanderer
Guest
Sorry, but this is looking at it from the selfish standpoint of how the consequeunces of your sin will effect you and which consequences you do or do not want to have to deal with. Cheating breaks the marriage, the damage has been caused by the OP. Now what the OP should do is whatever her spouse would want her to. If her spouse would want her to stay quiet then thats what she should do, no matter how painful it is for her. If however her spouse would want to know the truth she absolutely has a duty to tell him, no matter what the consequences. This isn’t about her anymore, she is the one who broke the marriage, now she needs to think about her spouse and what he would want her to do.If the OP is still around:
You really have to look at this from the perspective of your marriage and your husband.
If I were to cheat and subsequently tell my wife, there’s no doubt in my mind that she would file for divorce.
If you are certain your admitting it would end your marriage, you have to think about whether or not that’s a consequence you can live with.
If you are not certain it would end your marriage, you have to decide what you will to do save your marriage from this point onward.
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on_the_hill
Guest
Hmmm…o.k. I’ll go with that. It would have been more accurate had I conveyed the notion that she needs to prepare herself for potential consequences. She needs to consider his likely reaction and come up with a way to best deliver the news.
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gracepoole
Guest
Telling your husband benefits you – it helps to alleviate the guilt you feel, which places a tremendous and very real burden on you mentally and physically. A secret is a load, a weight, with which the brain and body must contend. But telling your husband will not benefit him. In fact, it may destroy him. Instead, throw yourself into your marriage. To have an affair in the first place means you clearly weren’t being the wife you should be to him. Turn toward him now. Make him and your marriage your first priority – what can you do each day to make him grateful for the blessing of your marriage? Do thankless tasks without expectation of being thanked. Put aside work to snuggle with him. Kiss him unexpectedly. Give him time to play and enjoy hobbies. Make love frequently. In turn, he will provide the same and more for you. If it feels unnatural at first, it won’t for long – feelings follow actions, though we often believe it to be the other way around. Use this failure to become the wife you haven’t been, the wife he needs.
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thewanderer
Guest
Please stop perpetuating this myth. Some people care about knowing the truth, even if it is difficult. They especially expect this of their spouses. It is a despicable injury to keep such information from a spouse if they would want to know the truth. I am one of those people. If my husband were to cheat on me I would absolutely want to know. I deserve to know, and I would feel horribly betrayed if that information was kept a secret from me. A husband cheating on me I can deal with so long as he is actually repentant. It’d suck and itd be tough, but I can deal with it. A husband cheating on me and not telling me about it? That is the kind of person I would not want to be with. I don’t care how repentant he is. Thing is, I’m not the only person that feels this way. Since coming on CAF I have been absolutely horrified at the number of people I have seen who give the advice that a person should hide the fact that they cheated from their spouse as though it is an offense against their spouse to tell them the truth. The only legitimate reason to keep something like that a secret from your spouse is if you know your spouse would prefer to not know. There are some people who prefer to not know the truth if it is painful. But unless you know you’re spouse would want you to withold such information from you you absolutely owe your spouse the truth about something like this. So can people please stop claiming that it is wrong or selfish to tell your spouse you cheated?
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thewanderer
Guest
And I’m sorry if my last post came off harshly, but whenever I hear people saying that it is universally wrong and selfish to tell your spouse you cheated I can’t help think about what I would feel like if it was my spouse they were giving that advice to, and, I’m not gonna lie, I would feel like you were encouraging my spouse to betray me. So please realize that there are people out there who feel as I do and don’t ever give this advice in a universal manner again. Because while you may think you are helping the betrayed spouse, you may in fact be harming them. Please be considerate of people like me when giving advice about situations like this in the future.
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gracepoole
Guest
But I actually didn’t say it was wrong to tell him – my point is that there won’t be any positive outcome from it (for the OP or for her husband). I certainly didn’t meant to disrespect you or anyone else. But I do think there are multiple perspectives that could be seen as valid here.
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TheRealJuliane
Guest
One further factor is the children. Would telling the spouse mean a certain divorce? Doesn’t that outcome temper the desire for raw honesty? These things have to be carefully and prayerfully considered, especially when children are involved. And the OP did say that she and her husband have children. If there is a good chance that her husband would divorce her, I would still advise her to think very carefully before telling him. These are decisions that can have consequences which last into generations, not just two people.But I actually didn’t say it was wrong to tell him – my point is that there won’t be any positive outcome from it (for the OP or for her husband). I certainly didn’t meant to disrespect you or anyone else. But I do think there are multiple perspectives that could be seen as valid here.
By the way, it doesn’t look as though the OP has been on this thread in some time.
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thewanderer
Guest
Which is false. I benefit by knowing the truth, even if the truth is harsh and hard. That is something which actually positively benefits me. I agree that there are multiple perspectives on it, which is why I think you should not give the universal advice of “don’t tell”.But I actually didn’t say it was wrong to tell him – my point is that there won’t be any positive outcome from it (for the OP or for her husband). I certainly didn’t meant to disrespect you or anyone else. But I do think there are multiple perspectives that could be seen as valid here.
If it does end up in divorce that is not a consequence of telling the truth, that is a consequence of the cheating itself. Just because cheating leads to divorce doesn’t mean it is ok to deceive your spouse into thinking nothing is wrong with the marriage and that they have never been cheated on. The spouse deserves to know that they have been cheated on. It is wrong to withhold information which a person deserves unless that person has made it clear that they do not want to know. And please don’t take this to mean I am not strongly against divorce. I come from a broken family. I know firsthand the devastation that comes from a broken family. But the point is that that devastation is the consequence of cheating. That is part of why cheating is so terrible. If a person refuses to admit to their spouse that they cheated because they are afraid it will break apart their family they are injuring their spouse for the sake of avoiding the temporal consequences of their own sin which they have already committed. The family breaking apart is a consequence of the cheating, not of telling the truth.
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