Looking for some advice!!!

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I am definitely not a crazy women (wife) that’s for sure. I know that everything is in his hands as far as changing. I know that the women and men at work are wrong because I know that all men and women do not view porn.

There is still no excuse for him to view porn even if the girls aren’t in the room and if he only looks every so often. He has no reason. He definitely receives his sexual activity on a daily basis no matter how I feel. He is definitely not deprived.

He definitely has a temper issue. Here is another example. He was making his cigarettes the night before last. His machine was acting up and his first instinct is to slam it around. Now keep in mind that this will be the 4th machine that I have bought for him since he started making his own cigarettes.

He does a lot of talking for me but when I voice my opinion or say he is wrong. That is not a good situation. He literally turns it around on to me. Thanks for listening!!
 
You are having SEX with a man who treats you and your kids this way?
 
heather0370 said:
I am definitely not a crazy women (wife) that’s for sure. I know that everything is in his hands as far as changing. I know that the women and men at work are wrong because I know that all men and women do not view porn.

There is still no excuse for him to view porn even if the girls aren’t in the room and if he only looks every so often. He has no reason. He definitely receives his sexual activity on a daily basis no matter how I feel. He is definitely not deprived.

He definitely has a temper issue. Here is another example. He was making his cigarettes the night before last. His machine was acting up and his first instinct is to slam it around. Now keep in mind that this will be the 4th machine that I have bought for him since he started making his own cigarettes.

He does a lot of talking for me but when I voice my opinion or say he is wrong. That is not a good situation. He literally turns it around on to me. Thanks for listening!!
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*Oh my gosh, this makes me so sad…this is a dreadful situation. Prayers that you find the courage to leave. I’m not an advocate for families splitting up, but this guy sounds very scary to me. He forces you to have sex, whether you want to or not? Ugh!!! :(:(😦

Please look into some books about abuse…if you google books by Patricia Evans, I think her name is…you’ll find some good ones by her.*
 
Sweetheart, you have gone through a lot in the last 15 years. And you have been worn down to an extent you can’t even appreciate. You have been living in abnormality so long you think it is normal.

This is a very tenuous time for people who are breaking out of a bad and abusive relationship. And I hope all the readers here can understand what is going on here. What she is doing is starting to break the silence. This is a BIG step. She is starting to give details of what she has endured to others… objective people. And she is realizing what she considered to be normal is viewed with horror by most people. It’s like a bucket of water in the face.

Be gentle.

She is with a violent man who breaks things, hurts people physically, emotionally, financially and verbally. He forces himself on her on a daily basis (I suppose even while she was going through chemo???)

She is an abuse victim. And she is finally beginning to admit it to herself and to the world. That is the first step toward healing.

Heather, PLEASE CALL A DOMESTIC HOTLINE AND TELL THEM WHAT YOU HAVE BEEN TELLING US! PLEASE GO HOME TO YOUR PARENTS NOW! NO ISSUE YOU HAVE WITH THEM IS AS UNSAFE AND DEGRADING AS WHAT YOU ARE DESCRIBING ABOUT THE HUSBAND!
 
Liberanosamalo said:
Sweetheart, you have gone through a lot in the last 15 years. And you have been worn down to an extent you can’t even appreciate. You have been living in abnormality so long you think it is normal.

This is a very tenuous time for people who are breaking out of a bad and abusive relationship. And I hope all the readers here can understand what is going on here. What she is doing is starting to break the silence. This is a BIG step. She is starting to give details of what she has endured to others… objective people. And she is realizing what she considered to be normal is viewed with horror by most people. It’s like a bucket of water in the face.

Be gentle.

She is with a violent man who breaks things, hurts people physically, emotionally, financially and verbally. He forces himself on her on a daily basis (I suppose even while she was going through chemo???)

She is an abuse victim. And she is finally beginning to admit it to herself and to the world. That is the first step toward healing.

Heather, PLEASE CALL A DOMESTIC HOTLINE AND TELL THEM WHAT YOU HAVE BEEN TELLING US! PLEASE GO HOME TO YOUR PARENTS NOW! NO ISSUE YOU HAVE WITH THEM IS AS UNSAFE AND DEGRADING AS WHAT YOU ARE DESCRIBING ABOUT THE HUSBAND!
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Please heed this advice, heather. I dated an abusive man in college…it almost seems like all of these men I hear about, are one in the same. 😦 You have grown to accept this behavior through no fault of your own–it’s called taking the path of least resistance to keep peace (I remember it), you know in your heart and mind that you’re not imagining things…but they make you feel that way…please call professionals who can help you get out of this abusive situation. It won’t stop on its own. I’m here to tell you, it won’t…Liberano can tell you it won’t. I will pray for you…please get help. I pray for your husband also…that he gets help, too…he is a very lost and trapped soul. But, you can’t let his problems continue to hurt you. God bless and good luck on this situation.
 
Yes, he is still getting his sexual activity. He makes it very difficult if he doesn’t have his sexual activity (guilt trip, badgering, and anger etc). If I say no, he will constantly hound me about it until we go to bed. Even on a day that he is getting sexual activity, he constantly reminds me that we are having this activity. It is constant. He can’t say anything without out something being said about sex and women. He made a comment that I knew he was like this. I said to him “I beg to differ”. It was after we married that I found out truly how you were. He didn’t say anything. It was dropped.

I didn’t get a chance to look up anything on abuse or Patricia Evans this weekend. We were digging out from 2 feet of snow. I will check into this today while I am at work. I will be able to take time to look this up.

My past 15 years has been a roller coaster. A lot of this is because of the choices that I have made as far as picking a partner. Nothing changed when I was sick either. He would continue to want his sexual activity. I can remember this one time I had gone for a chemo treatment. Mind you I traveled 2 – 2 1/2 hours from my home to be treated. So we had the two drive which at this time my mother-in-law took me this time. We would live my house by 5:00 am to be at an 8:00 am appointment. They would give me the treatment and we would leave the facility by 1:00 pm and travel back home 2 – 2 ½ hours home. This time I got really sick from the treatment and we ended up stopping several times on our way home. We didn’t get home till almost 5:00 pm. When we finally got home, she dropped me off and she went to get the kids from daycare. Instead of lying down like the normal person when they are sick, I got dinner ready so that the kids and my husband could eat. My mother-in-law brought the kids back to the house and by this time my husband was home. She left and I served dinner after talking with my kids for a few minutes.

They ate dinner and I was in the kitchen getting lunches packed and dishes done. I then after that had to help the kids do their homework which my husband refused to help with. He said that I was much smarter than him so I needed to do it. So, I would do homework with all 3 kids. So, by this time it was bath time for them. The older ones got their baths and I had to bath my youngest that was in preschool at the time. He sat on the couch watching TV. While I did all of this there was several times I had to go to the other bathroom due to me being sick? I got the kids in bed and he came up and said good night to them. He went back down stairs and got on the computer. I went for my shower. When done I had gone down stairs and he said to me we going to bed to have our sexual activity. I said to him I really do not feel good. He said you don’t need do anything but lay there. I said can we just go to sleep and he said I want sex. I was to tired and sick to fight. I said whatever. He got his sexual activity. It was like this quite often while I was going through my treatments.

He gets so upset when he doesn’t get his sexual activity. There are just so many examples I can give you. He really gets mad when one of the kids interrupts us. That just happened recently.

I have an appointment with my priest this week and I have called DV and asked some questions but I haven’t done anything as of yet. You are right I do try to keep peace in this situation. Hopefully the appointment with the priest goes okay. Once I see him, I will most likely call DV again for further assistance.

I just feel physically, emotionally, financially and verbally beaten up. We are having problems financially as well as all these other issues. I will get there I know I will with the help of your advice.

Thank you for the advice and being patient with me!
 
Print out what you just wrote. Take it to the priest. Show him this disgusting story.

This man is a sex addict. He is a narcissist. He is sick and without an ounce of compassion or empathy.

Get out of there while there is anything left of you. Move back in with your family. NOW.

A man who would do that to his wife… who knows what else he would do to anyone else.

ARE YOU SURE HE’S NOT MOLESTING ANY OF THE GIRLS???

GET OUT NOW!!!
No money is worth this! You may find out that with a simpler life and without his financial issues you do BETTER financially than with him.

GET OUT NOW!!!
 
In case I wasn’t clear in my other post… he is wearing you down. Do you want cancer to recur because he is destroying your health?

Let me emphasize:

GET OUT NOW!!!
 
Oh, and let me guess… when it comes to digging and two feet of snow, I bet you dug more than he did.
 
Hi Heather:

I see you have been moving right along—making an appt this week to see your Priest and calling DV hotline for advice. And OH YES, I agree with your husband—you ARE much smarter than he is !! Gads what a jamoke this guy is! :cool:

Anyway, I have been reading about how sexually abusive your husband is. This might be a time to bring out the salt peter. 😃 After about a week he’d be so concerned about why “little mickey” can’t perform that you would have plenty of sleep time. LOL!

This is only a joke to lighten the subject up some so please no PM’s.

I hear the same story from other women so you are not alone. This is a terribly abusive tactic used to control you further.

Yes please, do print out what you wrote above concerning the sexual abuse and show it to your Priest. He needs to know exactly what is going on in your situation and honestly, I’m sure this isn’t the first time he will be hearing this going on in a marriage—I’m sure he has heard alot worse.

Are you any closer to being able to seek help from your parents?

You and the children really need a support system close at hand.

In the meantime, know that you are making great progress Heather in moving forward.

Do not be afraid—keep going forward towards your future.

Each day you will become stronger.

He will be weaker.

More prayers will be said for you and the children during morning Mass.
 
I think you should be more concerned about failing as a mother than failing as a wife. Your children are your first priority over any man! They are children and look to you for protection and guidance. Your husband is a grown malicious man who is selfish in his pathetic decisions. You lost your son because of your deranged, sick husband and you’re more concerned about failing as a wife?! And your daughters are living in hell because of this situation! There’s a point where you have to choose where your loyalty lies. Believe me when I tell you that you will regret loosing your children and destroying your relationship with them if you don’t do something now.
 
I want to apologize if what I am posting is upsetting anyone. I really have not talked about much of this but I am now starting to open up about the things in my life that have happened to my children and me. This just shows how much your advice has helped me since I originally posted. Each day I take an additional step.

I have questioned both of my girls and they both have told me no he has not touched them that way. I know that I would have a simpler life without him. All the stress will be gone to a certain degree. I do worry about my health and that my cancer will come back due to all of the stress that I am under. Doctors told me my illness strives for stress.
So, this is a concern of mine.

As far as helping with the snow removal, it is about 50/50. It is a little much for me. I do a lot of stuff that a wife typically wouldn’t do. I cut fire wood, stack it, change oil in vehicles, mow the lawn, tend to the pool, trim trees, build things, move rocks for our creek, plus all of the inside chores that need done. Neighbors question me as to why I am doing this stuff. I said it is part of my job as a wife.

I am not any closer to talking to my parents. I am trying to deal with my other issues before throwing them into the mix right now. Eventually this will happen but it will take a little bit till I can tackle that issue.

As I wrote in a different post, I fear failing as a wife and mother. I know that I am failing but I am working on getting things straightened out. This has been a hard time for me and I know that I am to blame due to my choices that I have made. I have gotten a lot of advice from different people on this forum and it is helping a lot.

Thank you very much for the advice!!!
 
You didn’t fail as a wife. He failed miserably as a husband and a father.

You have done MORE than most wives. And still it isn’t working. That should be your clue that it is not YOU.

A NORMAL man would be out helping and not making a cancer-stricken/recovering wife chop wood!

:mad: :mad: :mad: :mad:

Oh, he doesn’t “make” you, but if you didn’t do it, it wouldn’t get done.

YOU WOULD BE BETTER OFF IN AN APARTMENT THAN WHERE YOU ARE NOW.

You are locked in fear that you can’t live without him. You need to understand something: I found this out myself. I already did all the work. Actually when the ex left, I had LESS work because he wasn’t around leaving a trail for me to clean up after. And I had more energy to do the work that I had always had to do by myself.

Your neighbors question you because they know also that you aren’t just doing the stuff a good wife does. You’re a darn pack mule for the lazy slob.

You are doing the wife’s work and the husband’s work. Your neighbors are noticing.

I’m sure he NEVER talks to the neighbors, because he knows they think he’s less than a man, so he avoids them.

You are like a horse in a burning building. Someone needs to throw a blanket over your head and lead you out. And keep you away so you don’t run back in.

And I am telling you, you NEED to be honest with your parents and go talk to them. They are waiting for YOU to wake up and admit your husband is a reject. NOT YOU. YOUR HUSBAND IS THE REJECT!

You aren’t a failure as a mother if you can get your kids out of this situation and away from this man. He is sick. He needs to heal. But he needs to do it on his own time at his own expense and with his own labor. YOU HAVE DONE TOO MUCH. It is killing you.

The thing about a trail of bad choices… you can stop it and start making good healthy choices. It’s only bad if you justify another bad choice because of all the bad choices that came before it.

And by the way, that snow removal should have been 100/0 his effort. What the hell does he do? Sit on his computer surfing porn while you’re out killing yourself chopping wood, mowing the lawn and shoveling snow, before you come inside and cook his dinner, do his laundry and then fall into bed at night exhausted after midnight and then service him?

GET OUT! YOU ARE A CHILD OF GOD! THE APPLE OF GOD’S EYE. YOU DESERVE BETTER THAN TO BE TREATED LIKE A MAID AND SEX SLAVE.
 
I work very hard and I continue to do everything that I can. It is difficult most of the times but I do not let on that it is too difficult. He does help with everything but certain things I feel a wife should not do, it’s a man’s job. But you see our relationship is not a typical husband wife scenario. He expects me to help him with everything that he does outside no matter what it is. As far as the inside jobs that need done, he does help with the cleaning for the most part lately that has been falling on me since he has been helping his parents. I do have to give him credit that he does do some things when he feels like it otherwise he is on the computer, watching TV, or napping.

Your comment about he doesn’t make me it wouldn’t get done is partially correct. If I don’t help do it then he would be riding me about not helping and sometimes that is even worse then doing it and getting it done.

I agree with you if he left I would have less work to do and wouldn’t be so stress. I clean up after him and his daughter constantly. They leave stuff all over the place. My children pretty much are self sufficient at cleaning up after themselves and I can count on them for that but when it comes to my husband and stepdaughter that is a different story.

He does talk to the neighbors and they tell him that I shouldn’t be doing the work that I do. They also know that I am a recovering from cancer. There are times that my neighbor will say to me let me do that for you. I say ok. They do look after me to a certain degree but it is not their responsibility to.

My two daughters have said that they feel that I am my husband’s slave/maid. That bothers both of them. They say that I don’t stick up for myself and they are correct. I keep everything in. I don’t want a confrontation with him.

My appointment with my priest was scheduled for tonight but it is cancelled due to the huge amount of snow that we are getting today. So, I have to reschedule with him in the next day or so.

As far as my parents, that will come in time. I need to get through this other stuff before I bring them into the mix. Don’t get me wrong, I know each day I don’t get in touch with them it is one more day that I don’t see my son. He responds to my texts only when I text him. He doesn’t text me and say love you or find out how I am. He came at Christmas time and then again when he needed information from me for his financial aide for college. I asked him last night why he doesn’t come see he and me said that he is busy and then he asked when do you want to see me? I did respond to him. I want him to come see me if he wants to see but I don’t think he wants to because he never texts or calls me asking if he can come. Lately it has only been for stuff that he needed from me. I love my son and til this day I fully do not understand why he left. Someone told me it was because of my husband plus he didn’t like the rules. I don’t know.

Please let me know if I should text and tell him to come see me or if I should just let it go and wait to see if he wants to see me. What are your thoughts??? Thank you for listening and giving me advice.
 
I think by now your parents have a good idea why your son doesn’t want to see you. You need to have a serious discussion with them on how to reintegrate yourself into your son’s life. But that will not come until your husband is out of yours.

And be grateful your parents got him out of that situation so that he didn’t spend his all of his formative years watching a man treat his mother that way.

Do you want him to grow up and treat someone the way you were treated?

Don’t push your son. Keep telling him you love him and miss him.

He doesn’t want to come visit as long as that man is in the house is my guess.
 
heather0370 said:
I do feel that I will fail as a wife again. This is not the first time. This would be the second time that this has happened. I am also feeling that I am failing as a mother as well but I know that I have control of that.

You are also right about my kids getting upset with me because I don’t stand up for yourself. They constantly tell me this and I actually just heard it the other day from my youngest. Since I have posted this thread, I have noticed even more that my children are picking up certain traits from him.

I am a strong person. I have battled cancer and I am in remission at the age of 39. It has been a long 13 years of dealing with this as well. I wanted to get better so that I could see my kids graduate and see my grandchildren. If I am strong enough to survive cancer then I would think that I am strong enough to make the right decisions for my children and finally stand up for me but for some reason I don’t think I am. Like I said before it is a combination of things fear, love, failing etc…

As I said yesterday, my husband wanted to go to my daughters counseling appointment. The counselor had taken him and myself in first. He naturally did most of the talking with me interjection at certain points. She left us go out and took my daughter in for the rest of the session. Midway through the session she brought me back in to discuss some things with her. My daughter requested that I come back in and not my husband. She did not want him in for this. This was the first session since Christmas. She has an appointment ever week the rest of this month.

As far as my youngest, I am still waiting on the approval from the insurance to get her into counseling. I had her to the family doctor and she is showing signs of depression. With her it is a little harder, she doesn’t swallow pills so I am not sure what they will do with her. Hopefully within the next week, I will have approval from the insurance for her to start counseling.

I know that I can’t change my husband. He has to be willing to change on his own. We have been through the counseling thing and that doesn’t work because he just reverts back to doing the things he says he is not doing. He tells the counselor what they want to here just to get through the session. He doesn’t make a commitment to change.

Someone this morning here at work just made a comment that all men look at porn and that is normal. I am not sure how it got brought up but I just kept to myself and didn’t say anything because there were guys and girls all around me who were discussing this and they all were agreeing with the person that said it who is female. This is when I second guess myself about what my husband is doing. The thought just start coming again. I know that it is not normal but it is really hard when you hear this kinda stuff.

I know that I keep moving forward and backwards. It is just so hard.

Thanks for listening!!!
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I will keep praying for the entire situation. You are right, the people in your office are wrong.
I will also pray for your strength and for the kids ability to shield themselves from this.
 
heather0370 said:
I want to apologize if what I am posting is upsetting anyone. I really have not talked about much of this but I am now starting to open up about the things in my life that have happened to my children and me. This just shows how much your advice has helped me since I originally posted. Each day I take an additional step.
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Don’t apologize. Even though we do not really know you we care about you. That is why people sometimes respond saying something is “so sad” or whatever.

Heather, the bottom line is you need to get out! Your husband is sick and there is nothing you can do to change him. The fact that he does so little, is a big enough problem even if you had not been sick.

I know you are progressing in this. That is evident by the change in tone when you are talking about your husbands actions. But you need to get out. The longer you wait, the harder it will be to leave. He is abusing you in almost every way. You are a child of God and deserve respect!
 
I do not want my son to ever treat his girlfriend the way that his mother is being treated. I try not to push my son but I want to see him and miss him greatly. I just want him to want to see me but he never has time he says he is busy all the time. He spends a great deal of time with his girlfriend and my parents which hurts. I just wish that he would take the first step and tell me that he loves me and misses me the way that I love him and miss him. That hasn’t happened and won’t happen. I will continue to tell him that I love him and miss him.

Thank you for taking the time to read my posts and caring about what happens to me and my daughters. I have taken everyone’s advice and I am constantly thinking about it. I find myself coming back and reading the advice several times a day. I have been making small steps each day but still am struggling with telling him we are done. My appointment with our priest was canceled yesterday due to the weather yesterday. I will be calling today to reschedule to see him again. Once I see him and we discuss all of what I have written, I will then call the DV to get more advice from them.

I want to give you another situation that just happened to me yesterday. This is just another example where he doesn’t respect me as a person. We are getting lots of snow and we made it to work. My husband works with me. I work in the office and he works in the shop. So, he expects me to take break and lunch with him everyday. When I don’t, he gets upset with me and says stuff like are you made at me??? So, I go to lunch with him. He said to me why aren’t you eating? I said that I am not feeling very well. My stomach was uneasy. So, I didn’t eat. So, he says to me in a quiet voice so our evening activities are off then. I said to him. Why do you do that? He said Do what? I said everytime I am sick or don’t feel good and I say something to you you make that comment. He said I like my sexual activity. I left it at that.

So, we get off work and go home. He says I am shovel are you going to help? I said no, I am going in the house to get some stuff done in there that I needed to get done. He got mad. I said you don’t need me to help you when I have stuff to do in the house. I had to clean up after the kids, throw in his work clothes, clean our wood burner out, do the dishes, pack his lunch, talk with my daughters and get dinner ready. So, when was I going to be able to help shovel??? He came in and said well the shoveling is done and I said that is good. He got his shower and I lifted dinner. I then cleaned up the mess and finished what I needed to get done.

I really did not feel good after I ate dinner even more. I tended to the fire and did my laundry in between. As bedtime rolled around, I was feeling worse. I made a comment to him about sexually activity and get got mad. I said I feel like I could throw up and you want me to have sex with you. He expected me to do everything like I usually do. There were no excuses. I said whatever. So, he got his sexually activity and I threw up right after we were done. As he was getting his sexually activity, he would bring up conversation about his daughter, work,or things that need done. I finally said to him do you really need to discuss this stuff while we are having sex? He shut up. IS THIS NORMAL TO TALK ABOUT THIS STUFF WHILE ENGAGING IN SEXUAL ACTIVITY??? I don’t think so. He does this a lot. It doesn’t make me feel any better about myself.

He didn’t even check on me when I was sick. He didn’t ask if I needed something. If that was him, I would have checked on him and seen if he needed something. I never get that. This really upset me last night. I ended up crying(secretly) to myself. I do this a lot and he doesn’t even know.

We got up this morning and he didn’t ask how I was feeling. It was just another typical day. He started about sexual activity tonight. I didn’t say anything. I came into the office and he went into the shop.

I want to thank everyone for the prayers and advice. Each day, I see myself getting stronger and stronger with the help of all of you. Please keep the advice and prayers coming. THANK YOU!!!
 
Goodmorning Heather:

No, none of this is normal. He is a real sicko and all this forcing you to have sex, telling you idiotic stuff while engaged in sex, reminding you, YOU will have sex every night, even if you are sick and maybe expecially when you are sick, is nothing more than the way he wants to control you. HE gets off on this stuff. He seems to love to cause you distress every waking minute. This is not even a husband, this is an animal.

It is a good sign that you ARE upset by this stuff because it means he has not totally broken you, at least not yet, which is why you really need to get out of there. I may be wrong but I think your son might make a total change if you got out of there. He is probably wondering if you have lost all sense of your dignity and self respect. He is probably wondering if there is anything left of his Mom. Very sad.

Heather exactly why are you still there?
You said that you make enough to support you and the girls so it can’t be financial.
He treats you worse than an animal he found in the woods so it can’t be love.

If you had to leave the home today with your girls what would be your greatest fear?
What keeps you there with this animal?
 
It is so sad, that he had poisoned your mind so you don’t understand that NONE of this is normal.

Have you talked to your boss about his abuse? That is another “duck to get in a row” so when you leave him, you do not have to see him at work. Start looking for a new job today.
 
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