Opposite-Sex Friends

[vluvski]

Good post, Abby.

 

[rayne89]

WindyFire12:

But do you know your close friend that well? What you might not consider a near occasion of sin for yourself may be a near occasion of sin for your friend.

The guy is stark raving fundementalist baptist that saved himself for marriage. I hardly think this over opinionated papist is a temptation for him.

WindyFire12:

Also, simply saying you “know yourself” doesn’t guarantee that you will not fall into sin when you place yourself in the near occasion of sin. With that reasoning we could put ourselves into almost any potentially sinful situation but because we know we won’t cross the lines it’s not sinful.

In regards to close opposite-sex friendships the potential is always there that lines may be crossed. It’s in our very nature.

Let me be crystal clear. My husband is the only serious relationship I’ve ever had. We met in highschool and he is the only man I have ever been in love with. We have hard times and we have had great times. He is my best friend. There is **NOTHING **that would make me cheat on my husband. I don’t care what situation I’m in - I will never be unfaithful to my husband. I don’t care if my husband was cold wife beating jerk. My marriage vows are not just to my husband they are to God. I know my heart, it’s not in the range of possibilities. You can believe whatever you want but I know there is no potential in my life to be unfaithful to my husband. I don’t know about your nature but it is not in mine.

 

[allhers]

Mt19:26:

Just a quick off topic comment here. We are called to judge one another. It’s our duty as Catholics to judge the deeds and actions of others. What we are not to do is judge whether or not someone is going to Heaven or hell.

Plus, I agree with WindyFire too.

As for me, I trust myself and know myself also. I would never be tempted because I don’t ever put myself in that situation.

 

[maendem]

P. Abby’s last post is good. I think the main issues are:

1. Prudence - will this friendship lead you or the other into temptation? Will it give unecessary scandal?
2. Consideration - is your spouse 100% comfortable with the friendship?
3. Humility - will you be able to acknowledge and break or cool off the friendship if you recongize it moving into areas of emotional intimacy that should be reserved for your spouse?

The answers are different for each relationship and couple, and so black and white rules are not appropriate. Good communication with your spouse, and a recurrent examination of conscience, are.

 

[Karin]

WindyFire12:
Nothing is hard for me to understand and of course none of the others have said they are attracted to their friends. That would destroy their argument. Also, you are attracted to them in such a way they you like their friendship. So there is attraction there. Enough attraction for you to consider them “close”. You know, most cheating starts out with people who are “just friends”. And both of them usually believe it will never go beyond friendship but somtimes it does. That’s the ‘seed’ Satan plants and it’s what he tempts us with. That is why it’s wrong to have close opposite-sex friends. Am I saying you’ll eventually cheat with one of you close male friends? Absolutely not.
Oh please…I have been friends with these people for over 15 years…way before I married my husband.

Let me ask you this. What are those close friends there for? What do that have that your husband doesn’t have? If nothing, then why not share that closeness with your husband? If there is something then they are filling the void or quality that your husband doesn’t have. In a Sacramental marriage we are to share ourselves 100% with our spouses. All closeness is to be reserved for them and them exclusively. If something is lacked we shouldn’t go out searching for that in members of the opposite-sex. We should work with our spouses to fix what is lacking.
**They are there as friends. They do not have anything that my hubby does not…and I do share a closeness with my husband …as I have stated before there is nothing lacking in my marriage…both my husband and I are both quite secure in ourselves and our marriage:thumbsup: . **

 

[dulcissima]

We are all members of the communion of saints. Let us love one another, but let us always be mindful that God comes first in our lives and in our relationships. You have to know yourself and know your limits. I think it is worth taking some risks, not to protect yourself selfishly against all possibility of temptation. God will give you the grace that you need if you trust Him.

1 John 4:11-12 Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.

1Thess 3:12 May the Lord make your love increase and overflow for each other and for everyone else, just as ours does for you.

1Pt 1:22-23 Now that you have purified yourselves by obeying the truth so that you have sincere love for your brothers, love one another deeply, from the heart. 23 For you have been born again, not of perishable seed, but of imperishable, through the living and enduring word of God.

Rom 12:10 Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves.

Heb 10:24-25 And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. 25 Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another–and all the more as you see the Day approaching.

Gal 5:13 You, my brothers, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature; rather, serve one another in love. 14 The entire law is summed up in a single command: "Love your neighbor as yourself.

 

[kage_ar]

Princess_Abby:

Thank you, exactly. My husband is my best friend and the person whom I most love talking to about a variety of issues, my feelings, fears, etc. But I have plenty of friends whom share an interest or two or three with me and there is no reason to not enjoy conversation with them as well. That doesn’t mean I love my husband less, it just means I enjoy interacting and having a social life! Whether that makes them “just friends” “close friends” or whatever else, I don’t know. All I know is that talking about religion or politics or parenting or telling funny stories about a picnic three years ago doesn’t make me feel attracted to someone other then my spouse!

Yup - the one thing I cannot discuss with my DH is politics, that raises the blood pressure far too much!

 

[Karin]

Princess_Abby:

Thank you, exactly. My husband is my best friend and the person whom I most love talking to about a variety of issues, my feelings, fears, etc. But I have plenty of friends whom share an interest or two or three with me and there is no reason to not enjoy conversation with them as well. That doesn’t mean I love my husband less, it just means I enjoy interacting and having a social life! Whether that makes them “just friends” “close friends” or whatever else, I don’t know. All I know is that talking about religion or politics or parenting or telling funny stories about a picnic three years ago doesn’t make me feel attracted to someone other then my spouse!

Totally agree! Great post!

 

[LSK]

Karin:

carol marie:

LOL!!! You can talk to a man about anything that you can talk to a woman about.

weeeellllll, I have to disagree with you on this one…I am a member of a 12 step group and one of the reason we have same-sex meetings is because there are some things women need to share at group level ONLY with women, that would be inappropriate to share when there are men present and I am going to go out on a limb and guess that that is why the men have same-sex meetings for men. Now, I am going to be 50 in December…if you had asked me this question when I was 30 I would have sputtered in outrage and said, ‘That is just not true and very sexist’…of course, I wasn’t sober then either so maybe that is not a good example to use…:whacky:

 

[Karin]

LSK:

Karin:

weeeellllll, I have to disagree with you on this one…I am a member of a 12 step group and one of the reason we have same-sex meetings is because there are some things women need to share at group level ONLY with women, that would be inappropriate to share when there are men present and I am going to go out on a limb and guess that that is why the men have same-sex meetings for men. Now, I am going to be 50 in December…if you had asked me this question when I was 30 I would have sputtered in outrage and said, ‘That is just not true and very sexist’…of course, I wasn’t sober then either so maybe that is not a good example to use…:whacky:

by all means disagree as I have to disagree with you. I was not equating my personal friendships with a 12 step program (dont even now what that is) these are people I have known for years and I have no issues discussing ANYTHING with them and vice versa.

 

[LSK]

Karin:

LSK:

by all means disagree as I have to disagree with you. I was not equating my personal friendships with a 12 step program (dont even now what that is) these are people I have known for years and I have no issues discussing ANYTHING with them and vice versa.

A 12 Step program is a program that is designed to help people with various addictions. The 12 Steps have been in existence for over 70 years, and their original form can be found in the book Alcoholics Anonymous, though there are over 300 different 12 Step groups in existence world wide today. You can locate them online if you are interested. Their spiritual significance has been likenned to the spiritual discipline designed by St. Ignatius of Loyola. In fact, the only place 12 Step Program are truly anonymous are in Muslim countries, where addictions are often times considered ‘illegal’. In Turkey, for many years, rather than going to a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous one had to go to a meeting of the American Banking Association…

You may, in your experience, be able to speak to men about anything. My experience has been that men, simply because they do not have the experience of being a female cannot relate to me on every level and I do not have the experience of being a man and therefore cannot talk to them about everything. I have a confessor who is male, and I can confess to him everything but he is never going to understand the what it is to be female. It would not surprise me if, while you feel you can talk to your male friends about everything your male friends do not regard you in the same manner. But that is a moot point, as we will not be able to get their opinion on the subject - only your’s!

Being different is not bad…it is only being different. I am equal but I am different. It took me many years to understand that and while I know and appreciate all of God creatures I know that men will never understand some things in my life and so I do not bore them with the subject.

 

[Mt19_26]

Orionthehunter:

But you better do it with factual knowledge or your judgment is sinful. If you tell anyone **anything ** negative based on presumption or only partial facts you have borne false witness against me.

Yes, I agree with you completely here. Judging done on incomplete facts is sinful.

 

[dsmommy]

Karin:

LSK:

by all means disagree as I have to disagree with you. I was not equating my personal friendships with a 12 step program (dont even now what that is) these are people I have known for years and I have no issues discussing ANYTHING with them and vice versa.

There are some things that would very much be inappropriate to discuss with a male friend, especially if you were married. There are things I talk about with my female friends that would be completely innappropriate to discuss with a male other than my husband.

 

[Karin]

d(name removed by moderator)my:

Karin:

There are some things that would very much be inappropriate to discuss with a male friend, especially if you were married. There are things I talk about with my female friends that would be completely innappropriate to discuss with a male other than my husband.

Really …I assume you are speaking about the S word?!?
I guess my husband and I once again are secure in ourselves and our marriage that this is not an issue… we also do not have hangups about our bodies or what our bodies are capable of doing. For that matter none of our friends have this issue either (married and single friends that is)

 

[CuriousInIL]

Karin:

Really …I assume you are speaking about the S word?!?

Hmm, the “S word,” I wonder what that might be?

 

[Karin]

CuriousInIL:

Hmm, the “S word,” I wonder what that might be?

SEX…I can not imagine what else some people may not be able to talk to a man (other than husband or female friend) about…

 

[12345678]

Karin:

d(name removed by moderator)my:

Really …I assume you are speaking about the S word?!?

I guess my husband and I once again are secure in ourselves and our marriage that this is not an issue… we also do not have hangups about our bodies or what our bodies are capable of doing. For that matter none of our friends have this issue either (married and single friends that is)
Seeking to protect modesty and purity has nothing to do with lack of security or bodily hang-ups.

 

[Karin]

12345678:

Karin:

Modesty and purity have nothing to do with lack of security or bodily hang-ups.

Hmmm…interesting point of view.
Guess i nor my husbad are modest or full of purity I guess…but heck do we enjoy life with each other, our family and friends

 

[soccerDad]

Is anyone worried about appearances anymore? Is this all about yourselves, and how you feel? If you are secure, without “hangups” as is uncharitably suggested, and have a strong marriage, that means it’s OK to have a close relationship with the opposite sex? Will you know if your friend feels the same platonic purity, really? Will situations and feelings never change?

I have heard Billy Graham would never be alone in a room with a woman other than his wife. How many of us have made even a small portion of this sacrifice and devotion?

“…I see you walkin’ real slow and you’re smilin’ at everyone
I can tell you my love for you will still be strong
After the boys of summer have gone.” - Don Henley

 

[Karin]

soccerDad:

Is anyone worried about appearances anymore?
What is the big deal…if the people involved are not having a problem with this why should anyone else?

---

Is this all about yourselves, and how you feel? If you are secure, without “hangups” as is uncharitably suggested, and have a strong marriage, that means it’s OK to have a close relationship with the opposite sex? Sure, why not. **This is not for everyone I have to agree. **

Will you know if your friend feels the same platonic purity, really? Yes and so would their spouses or my own. I have known these people for many years and this has never been an issue, nor do I expect that it will ever be.

Will situations and feelings never change?
I dont know …maybe or maybe not…but if they have not changed in over 15 years I really have to say more than likely not.